Phoenix
by Beyond Dreamer
Summary: Oh, but I can't talk to you the way I've wanted too. I've been telling lies but I'll tell you the truth. Darling, I'm tired and I should be leaving, leaving. You know I'm tired and I should be leaving, leaving tonight. - Margot and the nuclear so and sos.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: A friend suggested I post this here, she's a super huge fan, so I decided to go ahead. I just want to thank everyone who takes the time to read this, it's a lot, but hopefully you won't find it too bad. It does deal with some pretty heavy issues- rape, drugs, sex, abuse- so don't read if you're not into that. Feedback is always appreciated, tell me how bad you feel for Ashley or tell me I fucking suck, positive/negative, I love it all. Thanks guys!

Chapter 1

15, 14, `13, 12, 11 – The pressure was on, the score tied 88 to 88. They were playing overtime. Sweat dripped down to her eye, she wiped it away and in that same second jumped to catch the rebounded ball. The crowd roared as she dribbled down the court knowing full well she was about to win the game for the team. "Phoenix! Phoenix! Phoenix!" The King supporters chanted for her, she tuned them out and zeroed in on the basket. Time was running out, adrenalin pumped through her veins, she pushed her tired legs hard, running as fast as she could. Approaching the goal, she jumped up releasing the ball from her grasp. Time slowed down, her eyes obsessively watched the orange ball go through the hoop. The buzzard sounded and she landed on the court. A mili second later she was bombarded by her teammates.

"Phoenix! Phoenix! Phoenix!" Everyone continued to shout as she was lifted onto a broad shoulder. She lifted her arms up in victory, her vibrant blue eyes scanning the crowd's faces. Everyone looked at her with admiration and joy. She was the star player on an all boys basketball team and they loved her.

"You guys will never witness King's defeat!" Spencer smiled at the crowd's loud applause, she loved getting them all rallied up. Being placed back down on the ground, she spent the next 20 minutes greeting people, taking pictures, and giving little kids her autograph. Team members also approached her, giving her a high five or a pat on the back.

"Phoenix!" Aiden Dennison playfully howled walking up beside her. "You were on fire tonight! We would have lost if it wasn't for you catching that rebound. You're a hero."

"We're all heroes." She replied nonchalantly, losing count of the King Games she had won for the team. It stopped being such a big deal after the first couple of years. Spencer had been playing basketball almost all of her life. Growing up with her twin brother Glen, it was their favorite activity to do together. It wasn't until 7th grade that she began playing on a team. Luckily her father Arthur was good friends with the coach. After watching her play one day after school with the guys, he decided to remove her from the girl's team and let her play with the big boys.

She impressed them all.

"Heroes that will party like Kings tonight!" He looked over at her. "You're coming to the party, right? I can't go without my girlfriend." In a much lower voice he added. "People might think something's up."

"You're paranoid." She stopped walking outside the girl's locker room near a water fountain. "And I'll go so nobody suspects anything." She lightly poked his chest. "Just don't try to have sex with me." She grinned at his eye roll.

"Trust me doll, you don't have the right parts." He chuckled and gave her a wink before walking away.

Spencer entered the girl's locker room with silence as her only company. She reached the small blue locker in the back, the one she normally used, and began undressing. She was never shy about her body but the rare privacy in the locker room was always appreciated. The quiet air after playing a long, loud, rowdy game of basketball was refreshing.

Her lean strong body was wrapped in only a towel. Flip flops covered her feet as she walked to the showers holding only a bag with shampoo and soap inside. Turning the two silver knobs, she removed the towel from her body and neatly set it aside on a nearby shelf. The blonde stepped into the shower stall, washing away the sweat and grime from the night's game. Her eyes closed as she savored the feel of hot water hitting her tired muscles. The soothing heat was nirvana to her body. She was under a spell of relaxation and bliss. She contemplated never leaving.

The perky voices of the cheerleaders floated into the stall, breaking the spell. Spencer opened her eyes and reached out for the bar of soap. Soaping her hands, they ran all over her flawless skin, wincing, she looked down and noticed a nasty bruise inches above her left breast. She disregarded it and continued washing her body expecting to find a couple more bruises. Bruises, scrapes, and aches were guaranteed when playing basketball with boys twice her size.

Spencer finished washing her hair and then turned the silver knobs, bringing the shower to an abrupt stop. She heard the brigade of girls before seeing them seconds later. With one towel wrapped around her torso and another wrapped around her hair, she smiled a greeting.

A good five minutes was spent making small talk with the group of cheerleaders. All of them knew her as Phoenix and Phoenix only. Even the teachers used the name to address her. The coach screamed it out during one of her games in 7th grade. Phoenix. It passed his lips as she won the game with a slam dunk. The name expressed her strength, speed, and excellence in the game. She was simply the best player on the team and everyone knew it.

"I'll see you guys later." She walked away from the girls and headed back to her locker. To her surprise, there was a young lady her age lying on the bench in front of it. "Are you awake?" She asked kneeling down to get a better look at her childhood friend. The dark haired brunette wore expensive coach sunglasses matching her designer jeans, expensive heels, and provocative black blouse. Spencer flashed her a lop sided grin as she turned her head, regarding her quietly.

"I am now." She finally mumbled sitting up.

The blonde stood up and faced her locker, opening it. She grabbed a clean bra and matching panties. Without hesitating, she removed the towel from her body and slipped the underwear on. Next was the bra. She brought it up to her chest and then paused when she felt Ashley's presence behind her. "Let me." Her voice was soft near her ear. Spencer held her breath, feeling a sudden rush of heat go through her. Gentle fingertips glided the soft material over her naked breasts. Her nipples hardened knowing who was touching her.

When the brunette finished, she felt both relieved and disappointed.

It didn't last long.

Warm arms wrapped around her naked waist from behind followed by a soft chin on her shoulder. Spencer felt Ashley's breasts press against her back. She bit back a moan. "I'm sorry I missed your game." The words were spoken against her neck, quiet and full of shame. Spencer almost missed them, focused on the lips pressed against her skin. They did terrible things to her half naked body.

The blonde placed her left hand over Ashley's and caressed the darker skin. "It's no big deal, Ash." Her right hand soon joined the left and was placed on top of Ashley's. Spencer looked down at her abdomen with a smile, feeling both sad and content. "You've seen me play a million times."

"I still feel like shit, Spence." She felt Ashley's thumb move up and down her abs, caressing the soft skin over taunt muscles. "I'm always letting you down."

Ashley Davies. She never knew who she was talking to anymore. The fun, adventurous, daring girl she grew up with was completely different now. Always high on something, she came down, and when she was down, she was sweet and full of sorrow. Spencer stopped trying to change her friend and sadly accepted her for who she was.

A junkie.

"You didn't let me down." When a soft snort was her reply, she turned around in tanned arms, vaguely aware of the hands still on her hips. Spencer reached out and cupped the left side of Ashley's soft face. Her heart hammering in her chest, she used the other one to remove the brunette's sunglasses. The brown eyes she rarely saw anymore were glazed over, confirming her suspicions. She was high. "You didn't let me down." She repeated softly, her voice quivering.

Her blue eyes held a floodgate of tears. She tried to stop them from falling but one or two escaped, slowly sliding down her face. "You're a terrible liar." Ashley gently pulled the blonde to her and with her lips caught the two tears, kissing them away forever. Spencer's arms instinctively wrapped themselves around her best friend. Her blue eyes fell shut as she savored their rare closeness. "How've you been, Spenny?"

"Lonely."

"You've got Aiden."

"Aiden's not you."

Ashley smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead. "There's nothing special about me." She looked back into her face. "I highly doubt I'm worthy of the great Phoenix's friendship."

"Don't call me that." Spencer pleaded never wanting to be anything more than Spencer to the brunette, not the star the school had made her out to be. "I love you and your more worthy than anyone else I know." The closeness was beginning to get to the blonde. Blue eyes stared deeply into the brunette's and for the first time in a long time she just saw Ashley. Love and desire pooled in her dark brown orbs, Ashley cupped the left side of her face. Her breathing sped up, her eyes dropped to Ashley's full lips. She moved forward, feeling Ashley's warm breath on her skin, she needed to kiss her.

It didn't happen.

"I hate cheerleaders." The brunette mumbled pulling away as their lips were about to touch. In the back of her foggy mind, Spencer heard the showers stop and knew it was only a matter of time before the cheerleaders came running out.

With a racing pulse, she slid the dark glasses back over brown eyes, hiding the evidence that always pained her. "Am I going to see you at the party?" Ashley asked tucking stray strands of blonde hair behind her ear.

Spencer nodded. "Yeah," She spoke as casually as she could, trying to ignore the pounding between her legs. "Aiden practically begged me to go."

The brunette's face stayed emotionless as she pulled her hand away. "You never were the partying type but I'm sure he doesn't want to go without his beautiful girlfriend." She forced a smile and nodded as if to agree with her. The truth was Aiden was gay and their whole relationship was a horse and pony show.

Completely fake.

Ashley's cell phone began ringing in her purse. She looked away from Spencer. "Glen's waiting for me in the car." Her hands dropped from Ashley's body, reminded they didn't belong there in the first place.

"I'll see you at the party."

With a nod, Ashley grabbed her purse and left the locker room. Spencer watched until she was gone. Something she found herself doing more and more often.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Since their first encounter in Kindergarten, the two girls spent almost every day seeing or talking to each other on the phone. Spencer at the young age of nine couldn't control the strong bond she shared with the brunette. They had so much in common from movies to books and always managed to make each other laugh. The little blonde would even send her best friend letters in the mail. Ashley occupied a huge chunk of her life, she couldn't imagine living without her. _

Spencer stared out the window. Sitting in Aiden's car, she couldn't stop her mind from drifting. The person who occupied much of her thoughts left her feeling confused and frustrated in the locker room. Ashley was going to kiss her, she knew it, but did that mean anything? Of course not. She was high. Her mind on a different reality.

The blonde closed her eyes and sighed, it wouldn't be the first kiss she shared with the brunette.

_Two little girls, one 9 the other 10, sat on the edge of a twin sized bed watching Snow White. Spencer watched fascinated as the prince bent down to kiss the princess awake. Her face scrunched up in disgust. "That's so gross!" She looked over at Ashley who noticeably didn't agree with her. _

"_It's romantic." _

"_How do you know?!" Spencer exclaimed. "Have you ever done that before?" _

"_No." She answered. "But I bet I'm the best kisser in the world." _

_The little girl's confidence in everything she did always amazed Spencer. "Not uh." The little blonde protested. It was impossible for her to be the best if she'd never kissed anyone before! Practice makes perfect, her father drilled that in her head._

"_Yeah huh." Ashley hopped off the bed and walked in front of her. Blue eyes widened as two hands cupped both sides of her face. Ashley dipped her head, placing a kiss on her lips. It was soft, gentle, and didn't last very long, but still sent chills down her young body. "See?"The brunette whispered pulling back. Spencer noticed a difference in her friend's eyes. They were darker, hooded, and almost daze like. She wondered if hers looked the same. _

"_I- that was romantic." There were no other words for the 9 year old. Spencer stood up and moved forward, wanting to do it again. And she did. This time it was her lips against Ashley's, and it made her feel warm and strange inside. She had been holding Ashley's hand since kindergarten, but this was completely different. _

_This made her dizzy. _

_There was a knock on the locked door. The two girls pulled apart as if being burned. Spencer answered in a voice that sounded strange to her ears. "Is Ashley staying for dinner?" The older blonde asked from the other side of the door. _

"_I – I can't." The 10 year old stuttered walking to the door. "I'll call you later."_

_Spencer watched her greet Paula and then briskly walk away from them. "What's her hurry?" Her mother asked, the words deaf to her ears. She couldn't hear anything over her frantically beating heart. She was afraid and felt like she did something wrong. "Honey, are you alright?" _

_Spencer looked at her mother and nodded. "I'm fine." _

"Phoenix," A deep concerned voice brought her back to reality. Blue eyes blinked as Spencer turned her head, looking at Aiden. She wasn't sure how many times he had said her name but had a feeling it was more than once. "I'm sorry." She replied to his raised eye brow. "I was just thinking about something."

"Something or someone?" He pushed. "I do the same thing, Doll. But only when I'm totally hot for someone I can't get out of my head."

"I'm not hot for anyone." She answered honestly deciding to forget the locker room scene with Ashley. She was high, and Ashley was a very sexual person in that state. "And even if I was," She started playfully. "Why would I confide in you about it? You're my boyfriend. You might get jealous and kick his ass."

"Oh no, Hun." Aiden briefly ran his eyes up and down her body. "You're hot as hell which means your man will be hot as hell which means I'd fuck his ass before kicking it."

"I guess that means I can confide in you." Spencer chuckled taking one of his hands into her own. "You're such a good guy. I'm happy to be your pretend girlfriend."

"I'm glad you feel that way." He responded serious. "But I feel bad."

"Bad about what?" She inquired curiously.

"Phoenix, you've been my girlfriend for the last two years. Two years! For the last two years I've kept you unavailable so nobody would suspect how big of a queer I am. It's not fair to you." He sighed. "I'm being selfish."

"You're not being selfish." Spencer reassured. "I haven't had time for a real relationship." She explained honestly. "Between my straight A's and basketball I don't have time for anything serious. You're doing me a favor."

"Are you sure?" He prodded.

"I'm a thousand percent sure." She leaned over and kissed his freshly shaven cheek. "Stop worrying, okay? You don't want wrinkles at an early age, do you?"

"Heavens no."

Smiling, Spencer settled back into her seat and turned her head. They were seconds away from pulling into the party. Jacob Stevens was responsible for the night's heavy partying. His parents were always out of town, handling work related business, and left him all alone in their huge mansion sitting on 5 acres.

Spencer was first to step out of the black Tahoe. Her eyes scanned the front yard and she wasn't surprised to see groups of teenagers scattered everywhere. Most of them held plastic red cups, others openly made out, and plenty were smoking. There were a few people simply talking without anything to drink, smoke, or make out with. "Are you ready, Baby?" Aiden asked offering his well muscled arm. Smiling, she accepted and began walking arm in arm with him.

Everyone loved seeing them together. Aiden and Phoenix, the power couple of the school. They didn't make it to the front door without being invaded by a few of their friends. Spencer was used to being Aiden's girlfriend. Nobody ever questioned their false relationship. The blonde never understood how they were so convincing when she'd never even kissed the guy!

"I'll see you guys around. Come have a drink with me." She called out to the small group forming around them. They were mostly guys from the team, guys who loved embarrassing her. The men all started to chant 'Phoenix' as she walked to the front door. She turned around and blew them a kiss before entering the house, laughing at their obnoxious howls.

"That never gets old." Aiden laughed heartily near her ear. The music was blaring. It was hard to hear anything. Spencer looked all around, her vision filled with shirtless guys and teenage girls lacking anything decent on their bodies. It was all good though. She first attended a real house party her freshman year, her blue eyes would widen at the sight, but over 3 years later she was completely comfortable with the chaotic surroundings and managed to dress decently. Usually something cute from the mall, she loved anything sleeveless with jeans or a skirt. Her love for basketball had little effect on her femininity.

The two made their way into the kitchen, smiling and waving at their friends. Spencer occasionally stopped to chat with a couple of people. Aiden stayed at her side smiling and nodding a lot. They finally broke away from another group of people and entered the less noisy kitchen. "I cannot believe Val showed up without her underwear!" It was very surprising considering how short her dress was.

"It's amazing what people tell you when they're drunk." Spencer responded close to his ear. She followed her friend to the kitchen island. The counter top was cluttered with stacks of red cups, bags of chips, and hard liquor bottles. Aiden went to the refrigerator and grabbed two beers.

"Yummy," Spencer mumbled taking a very small sip. Unlike her twin Glen, she wasn't a drinker. She imagined piss would taste similar to beer. The thought never made drinking the horrible liquid any easier, it was the reason she could never finish her first drink, but it did keep her from getting drunk and waking up confused in a stranger's bedroom.

"Phoenix." Spencer turned her head toward the voice and was greeted by another friend of hers. Head cheerleader Madison Duarte. The Latina was bitchy, conceited, and downright cruel at times, but never to her. She had no reason to dislike Madison but also knew not to trust her with anything personal. She was notorious for blackmailing and spreading nasty rumors.

"Madison," She accepted a hug from the cheerleader and then watched her do the same with Aiden. It was no secret that she wanted her tall friend, and she was far from jealous, but she did feel bad for her. Her friend would never be interested in anything lacking a hot six pack and penis.

"Let me guess," She looked at the green beer bottle in her hand and grinned devilishly. "That's like your 5th one right?"

"Totally." Spencer shook her head and chuckled. "You know I don't get past number 1."

"Yeah, I've figured it out but it's so strange considering Glen gets so drunk he passes out in the middle of a room. I thought you guys were twins." She teased.

A strong arm was wrapped around the basketball player, followed by a tender kiss to her temple. "I'm proud to be dating the non alcoholic twin." Spencer looked up at him with a grateful smile and kissed his cheek once more.

"You guys make me sick." Madison commented enviously. "Just so happy and full of love." She looked from her to Aiden. "You guys should be out there dancing! Everyone loves seeing you two together. Plus, you can make all of them sick as well." She winked at Spencer.

The blonde looked at Aiden who was already staring down at her. "I don't mind dancing." She nonchalantly responded despite her discomfort. Madison was giving them a look she often gave them. Very suspicious and almost threatening, it made both teenagers nervous.

"Lets go boogie, Baby."

The spacious living room was transformed into a crammed dance floor. The lights were dimmed, faces hard to make out, and personal space was a joke. It was as if half the school was on the dance floor, Spencer walked through the crowd feeling various body parts brush against her, Aiden held her hand until they reached a good spot. Smiling in the dark, she loosely draped her arms around his neck and began moving with him to the music.

They're dance was far from sexual. It was fun moving to the provocative rap music blaring from the expensive speakers hanging on the walls. Blue eyes closed, moving to the next song playing, and her arms unconsciously left Aiden's body as she danced to an upbeat techno song, oblivious to reality. There were jostling bodies all around her, some of her peers even had a quick dance with her. They were oblivious to her, she drifted away to a fantasy land, the music crept deep inside her, it was all she could feel as she moved to it.

Gasping, two hands slipped up her shirt from behind, placing themselves comfortably on her hips, Spencer opened her eyes and moved back into the body, feeling soft breasts press into her for a second time that night. The warm breath on her neck, quick nip at her earlobe, Spencer was finding it hard to think, her pulse quickened as she felt soft lips run down the length of her neck, and then they were back, breathing softly into her ear. "Do you always let people touch you like this?" The huskiness in her voice only added to the fog clouding her mind.

Spencer turned around, facing Ashley, she slipped her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, fusing their bodies together, her clit began throbbing. Ashley's breasts were pressed tightly against her own, she felt her nipples harden at the contact and breathlessly murmured into the brunette's ear. "You're the first." Her mind, foggy with arousal was beginning to get to her. The soft electro music playing only added to the mood, making her want her best friend more.

Her hands slipped up the brunette's back, patiently exploring warm, smooth skin. Ashley's breathing became more labored, hot against Spencer's neck. "Spencer," Her name was pleaded in a desperate sigh. "You don't want to dance with me."

"Why not?" She kissed the skin beneath her ear.

"I'll make you wet." For a brief second, the room began spinning and she felt her back hit the wall. There were people surrounding them, she had no idea what part of the room she was at, her mind was too foggy to comprehend anything other than lips kissing down her neck. Blue eyes closed, a thigh was pressed firmly between her legs, teasing her wet center, Spencer groaned into Ashley's ear and clutched onto the back of her shirt, holding on as she unconsciously moved back against the brunette.

Her breaths were released in shaky pants, the throbbing in her clit more intense, her legs began quivering – Her hold on the brunette vanished, the body molded into hers was gone, her eyes snapped opened and she couldn't see anything. The room had gotten darker. With trembling legs, Spencer urgently pushed through the crowd, needing to find Ashley.

She finally made it out of the living room and stood near the front door. Across from her was a massive staircase leading to a second story. Her blue eyes watched, stunned, as Ashley was led up the marble steps by Glen. He loosely held onto her much smaller hand, leading them into one of the many bedrooms. Ashley didn't turn her head or say a word to the third person entering with them. He was a young man around Glen's age. Spencer didn't know him and didn't care to know his involvement with her brother and Ashley. All she wanted to do was disappear. There was a faint throbbing between her legs, she ignored it and walked outside, needing distance from the loud party.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The air was refreshing as it caressed her lightly perspired skin. She closed her eyes and ran a hand through her blonde hair, wanting to leave but not having a ride. Blue eyes hidden behind closed lids fought hard not to cry. She felt humiliated, used, dirty- and she didn't know why. Ashley Davies. Everyone at school saw her as a sex symbol by the way she dressed and partied. Spencer hardly ever paid attention to the sexuality that oozed off her friend, but it was hard when she directed that sexual energy towards her. To Ashley it was simple fun, but to Spencer – it seemed to be more painful.

But Ashley couldn't help it. She was most likely drunk or high during their dance. It didn't mean anything, the brunette wouldn't remember it in the morning, and the blonde hated the reality that was Ashley. How naïve she felt thinking her friend was ever in her right mind when they interacted. That was hardly ever the case anymore.

"Phoenix!" She opened her eyes and regarded the woman standing beside her. Madison's brown eyes were hooded, her lips turned in a lazy smile. Spencer looked at the small shot glass in her hand. She watched the clear liquid reach her mouth and followed it down the Latina's throat. "You look so sad!" Her wrist was grabbed. "I know what you need." The blonde followed the head cheerleader around the house to the backyard. She was led to a group of 25 huddled around a bon fire. "Phoenix needs a shot!! Give her a shot!!!"

"Madison," The blonde started to protest not liking hard liquor.

The latina faced her and began shaking her head.

"You need this." She insisted handing her the small glass.

"I-" Spencer stopped talking and brought the glass up to her lips. The alcohol burned as it ran down her throat, her insides warmed as it settled in her stomach. She handed the glass back to Madison, blushing as everyone continued to chant 'Phoenix.' They hollered, clapped, and whistled as she took a seat on the grass, staring into the fire. She would occasionally make small talk with her peers, laughing at their drunken blabber until they left.

The blonde watched Nathan, a fellow team mate, get up and stagger away. She turned her head and gazed into the warm flames.

_Blue eyes fluttered awake. Spencer sat up in bed, wiping the grogginess from her eyes, she watched a girl her age climb through the open window. "Ashley?" The young brunette's back was to her as she stood with her forehead against the cold glass. The younger girl got out of bed and walked over to her. "Ashley?" She placed a hand on the small of her friend's back. _

_Ashley's chest rose and fell with desperation as she tried to catch her breath. "I did it again, Spenny." She hoarsely mumbled, her voice soft, hollow. Her body turned towards her and the blonde immediately gasped at the sight. In the moonlight she made out the violent dark circle staining the skin around Ashley's left eye. She stepped closer and with a shaky hand reached out, cupping her friend's soft face. "Oh Ash," She whispered lightly running her thumb over the bruise bringing tears to her eyes. _

_Her wrist was taken and Ashley linked their hands together, a smile making its way onto her lips as she gazed into her blue eyes. "Don't be sad, Spenny. It doesn't hurt." The 12 year old took her hand away, crying harder, she wrapped her arms around Ashley's waist, sobbing into her shirt. "It didn't hurt, Spenny." Ashley murmured into her ear. "I took some medicine and didn't feel anything when she hit me. Valium, Spencer. I took three and I didn't feel anything when she hit me. Nothing hurts anymore." _

_Ashley sunk to the ground, her back against the wall as she cradled her friend in her arms. Spencer looked up at the brunette, tears continuing to fall, flooding her face. "I'll kill her," She sobbed. "I'll make her disappear. I'll make her stop hurting you."_

"_No," The brunette brushed the tears from her face. "It's okay. I feel great." She reassured, her head lulling back against the wall. "I just had to go for a walk, but then I started running, faster and faster, "Her eyes fell shut. "I had to leave." She paused. "And then I came here." _

_Spencer leaned forward and kissed away the two tears falling from the brunette's closed eyes. "I love you Ashley." She whispered tenderly cupping Ashley's face in her hands. Brown eyes opened and gazed sadly into blue. "I love you too, Spenny." The blonde pulled her friend into a tender embrace, Ashley's head rested against her chest. "Stay here forever." The blonde pleaded as she ran her fingers through Ashley's hair, messaging her scalp. _

"_I can't." The brunette mumbled as the blonde's fingers began caressing her face. "I don't want to make her mad again." _

_She moved her fingers under her chin, urging her to look up. Spencer stared deeply into her friend's dazed eyes, wanting to take her pain away. "Then spend the night. Please?" _

"_Okay." The young blonde stood up and then helped Ashley to her feet. She grabbed her hand and walked her to the bed. She watched Ashley get in first and then followed. Lying on her back, Ashely released her hand and rolled on top of her. She felt nothing but the heat from her best friend's body stretched over hers. "Thank you, Spenny." Her eyes closed as Ashley dipped her head, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. _

_Her eyes opened and she watched Ashley began to get off her. "No." She softly argued confusing herself and Ashley. She gazed into brown eyes for what seemed like eternity. Her mind was a puddle of confusion, the heat from the brunette's body was intoxicating. She didn't want it to go away and yet her body craved more. _

_The twelve year didn't understand what her body wanted from Ashley, until she finally got it. The brunette dipped her head a second time, kissing her lips. Her hands moved on their own accord running down the length of her back. "Ashley," She gasped into her mouth as she felt her leg move in between her thighs. _

"_Do-do you want to stop?" _

_Say yes! Say yes! "No." She couldn't stop the one word answer from escaping her lips. Strange things were happening to her as Ashely's mouth found hers again. Her body instinctively moved against the thigh pressed against her center. She couldn't explain the wetness forming between her legs, she didn't understand much of anything that was happening to her. She grabbed Ashley tighter as she felt her tongue brush against her lips. Curious, she parted her lips and invited her in. Ashley's tongue was soft and gentle as it ran over hers, the faint taste of listerine still evident in her mouth. She heard Ashley whimper and realized she had straddled her thigh. The two girls moved eagerly against each other as their tongues continued to dance. Her breaths were beginning to quicken as the muscles in her stomach quivered. Her eyes clenched tight as her head fell back, breaking the kiss, she bit down hard on her bottom lip to keep from screaming._

"_Spencer?" Three knocks followed causing her heart to stop. Ashley nearly jumped off her falling soundly off the bed. "Y-yeah?" She called out shakily staring up at the moving ceiling fan. She didn't know what to think, what to feel- her heart hammered in her chest as she tried to control her erratic breathing. _

"_The cops are here looking for Ashley, is she there?" _

_She turned her head and met Ashley's gaze. The brunette stood by the bed, her arms tightly folded around her body. "I'm here, Mrs. C." She watched Ashley look away and walk over to the door. _

"_They're waiting downstairs, Honey." Her mother told Ashley. "They want to bring you back home. Say goodnight to Spencer and come down." She walked away from the open door, Ashley turned around. "I'll see you around, Spenny. Good night." The words were rushed and she didn't once look her in the eye. Spencer didn't sleep much that night. Confusion, fear, anger, and even sorrow kept her from dreaming. She wasn't sure what happened. Did they have sex? Was that sex? Can you have sex with another girl? Her exhaustion finally got the best of her as the sun began to rise. She fell into a dreamless, miserable sleep. _

_The next time she saw Ashley was at school the following Monday. She was talking to Glen in one of the many hallways. They were talking more and more often. He had a broken leg and she had a shattered soul. It was a beautiful combination. _

"Phoenix!" Madison plopped down beside her looking more trashed then the last time she saw her. "Do you need another drink?" She slurred handing her an empty red cup.

"No thank you." She politely declined. " I think I'm going to get out of here."

"Come on, the party just got started .You don't want to leave!"

"I'm tired. You know with the game and everything." She leaned over and gave the head cheerleader as good a hug as their positions allowed. "I'll see you around."

The blonde stood up and walked away from the warm fire, approaching the glass sliding doors. Her footsteps abruptly stopped before entering the house. She spotted Aiden in the living room. He stood talking animatedly to a guy she had never seen before. The joy on his face convinced her to stay longer. With a sigh, she turned around and wondered what to do next. She wasn't in the mood to deal with her intoxicated friends and contemplated sitting alone somewhere until Aiden was ready to leave.

She decided to go with it.

Blue eyes scanned the vast yard, looking for a comfortable place to sit. They stilled on a group of 4 sitting in a dark corner. Their backs were against a dark red shed, secluded from everyone else. Spencer scanned their faces and didn't recognize any of them.

She moved toward them out of curiosity, getting a better look with each footstep. A girl with long black hair sat cross legged with a sketch pad in her lap. Beside her was a tall young lady wearing a bright green bandana, her hair was light brown and short. Sitting to her right was a dark skinned girl also holding a sketching pad and next to her was a thin blonde haired boy wearing tight clothes and running his mouth.

To her surprise, she was the reason for it.

"Are we not pretty enough to be here, Princess? Does our presence make you sick? Does it bother you that we're not stuck up prissy bitches like you and your friends?" The boy's dark hazel eyes glared into hers, waiting for an answer.

Spencer didn't know what to think. She looked at everyone else and realized they were also waiting for her to say something. "I'm Spencer." She introduced herself nonchalantly as if never being attacked, surprising the small group. "I've never met any of you and I thought I'd come by and say hello."

"I'm Erin." Her eyes snapped over to the black haired girl. "And this is Jonica." Erin gestured to the girl in the bright green Bandana. "I'm Chelsea." The dark skinned girl announced raising her hand. "And Justin." The boy with the blonde hair added with an attitude. "And we know who you are." He flashed her a nasty grin. "Phoenix." His eyes rolled. "We often debate whether to call you a stupid Jock or a stuck up bitch. What do you think?"

The blonde stood, half stunned, half interested in her new acquaintances. It had been so long since anyone addressed her with disrespect of any kind. She was not you're average blonde haired blue eyed popular girl. She was genuinely nice to everyone she met, and they were always nice back. This was different, and in some sick way, she liked knowing there were people out there who wouldn't kiss her ass up the king High social ladder. "You're the one labeling me. You decide." She turned her head and locked eyes with Erin. Her face was quizzical, she seemed confused. "What are you drawing?" She inquired with authentic interest and took a seat beside her.

Erin was the only one out of the four who didn't seem to hate her. She didn't know why, but she wanted to stay in the dark corner with these people. They were different from her friends, and not drunk off their asses. "That's Madison." She grinned at the various positions Erin had drawn her in. All of which, the head cheerleader's facial expressions were embarrassing but very accurate. "Do you normally come here to draw our drunken peers?" The question came out playfully but Justin didn't catch it.

"No, we come here for the free booze and something to do with our Friday nights."

"I'll drink to that." Jonica quipped momentarily holding her beer up before bringing it to her lips.

"I don't trust her you guys." Spencer watched him get up and start looking around. He then approached her, staring down at her with suspicious hazel eyes. "They sent you over here didn't they?? This is all one big prank and before you know it there's going to be a bucket of pig's blood spilled all over us."

"Come on, Jay." Her eyes moved over to Jonica. The short haired girl was smiling at her. "Just look at that angelic face of hers. She's completely sweet." She paused, her eyes moving down to her lips. "I just can't help but wonder how sweet." She added flirtatiously.

"Hey!" Chelsea playfully grabbed her short brown hair and forced her to look into her face. "The only lips you're allowed to taste is mine."

"Yes maam." Jonica purred moving forward to take her girlfriend's lips.

Spencer watched the two girls kiss, their lips hungrily consuming each other, she wanted to look away but found herself transfixed. She had never seen two women kiss in real life. Her body instantly reacted to it. A deep flush painted her face as she felt her clit begin to throb between her legs, she shifted. "Isn't this the part where you preach how disgusting homosexuality is, Breeder?" The blonde swallowed hard and looked at Justin. "What?" She asked, her voice hoarse.

"She's not disgusted." She looked at Erin who chose that moment to look up from her sketch pad, meeting her flushed face. "She's turned on."

Jonica broke the kiss and looked at her, amused. "We turn you on?"

"Um,"

"Cat got your tongue, Phoenix?" Justin taunted. "Or should I re phrase that to 'would you like your tongue in a pussy?"

Spencer stood up, feeling highly uncomfortable. Four curious pairs of gay eyes were on her. "I really should get going." She cleared her throat, hoping to sound a lot more confident than she felt. "It was nice meeting you all." She turned her attention to Erin. "You're very talented." And then regarded the group. "Say hi if you see me around school."

The blonde briskly walked away from the people she hardly knew feeling humiliated. She stopped thinking, wanting to forget the whole encounter and focus on finding Aiden's car. She wanted to sit alone. She even planned on taking a quick nap in the passenger seat.

Walking out to the front, she quickly walked through the yard, looking for her friend's car.

She stopped, noticing something very wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The sidewalk was lined with cars of all sorts. Spencer walked as casually as she could feeling anxious. Her vision was solely focused on one person, her eyes saw nothing else. The mystery man who had gone up stairs with Ashley and Glen stood inches away from her. His hands gripped tightly onto her upper arms, his voice low, but as Spencer neared them she could hear the anger in his tone. "Hey, Ash." Her voice was friendly as she addressed her friend. The brunette's head snapped to the left and she met frightened brown eyes.

Spencer didn't know the situation or the angry man, but that didn't stop her jaw from clenching. Her blue eyes turned to the man's and her own anger flared up inside, expressing in the scowl she greeted him with. "Is there a problem?" Her voice was cold, impatient.

She watched his hands fall from her friend's body as he took a step back. Without hesitating, she gently urged Ashley into her own. Her arms enveloped the smaller girl in a warm embrace, her eyes stayed on his as she felt Ashley's arms tighten around her. Discomfort masked his face, without another word he left. Blue eyes closed, she could feel Ashley's warm breath against her neck, her anger slowly started to fade.

The fear in Ashley's eyes brought back horrible memories. She looked like a frightened little girl, the same little girl that made her heart ache. The blonde wanted to ask questions, but she didn't. Ashley would talk if she wanted to, if not, it was none of her business. "Ashley?" The blonde whispered realizing the body in her arms had gone limp. The softness in her friend's breathing told her she had fallen asleep.

With some brief maneuvering, Spencer managed to support both her legs with one arm, and with the other, supported her upper back. The same way a husband would carry his new wife over a threshold. "Wrap your arms around my neck, Ash." She stared down at the brunette's face, for a moment, brown eyes opened and stared up at her. The brunette was light and easy to carry, which didn't surprise the strong athlete. She had lost some weight since freshman year. The disorientation in her eyes told her the reason. Of course, she knew the cause of her weight loss before tonight. "Wrap your arms around my neck." She repeated softly. The brunette did so and she spent the next ten minutes trying to find her dark gray Porsche.

To her relief, the car was unlocked and she had no trouble getting Ashley settled in the passenger seat. Her eyes scanned the brunette's outfit. She had changed clothes since going into the room with Glen and the other guy. She now wore a skimpy low cut black dress with big tears in the middle, showing off her flat stomach and the barest hint of a lace bra underneath. "Damn." She muttered knowing Glen must have the keys to the Porsche.

Spencer closed the car door and rushed back to the party. She pushed past people, apologizing with every other step, and frantically looked around for her twin brother. The idea of Ashley being alone, high out of her mind in the car made her nervous. There was no telling what she would do if she woke up. And then she thought of the mystery man. What if he were to find and take advantage of her again.

"Who are you looking for?" The blonde spun around and was greeted by Aiden's curious expression. "Have you seen Glen?" She asked near her tall friend's ear.

Spencer pulled back and watched him shake his head no. "What do you need him for?" He asked sipping a long white straw from the coke in his hand.

The blonde took Aiden's free hand and led him out the front door where it was quieter. He stood on the front porch watching her with a mixture of concern and amusement. "Long story short, Ashley's sitting passed out in her Porsche and Glen has the keys so I can't drive her home."

Aiden sighed deeply. He didn't approve of her friendship with Ashley and constantly preached how bad of an influence she was.

"Honey, that's one cracked out Barbie you need to let go of. She's going to end up dying of AIDS before graduating high school."

"I need to find Glen." She responded flatly, Aiden's words deaf to her ears. "Since Ashley was his ride can you do me a favor and give him a lift back to my place?"

Aiden couldn't deny her a thing. Despite his strong feelings toward the brunette, he agreed and then turned his head. "There's Glen."

Spencer followed his stare and sure enough saw her twin brother. "Tell him to find me when he's ready to leave." She nodded and briefly hugged her taller friend.

The blonde's twin stood near the backyard fence talking to a couple of guys his age. Glen Carlin was her brother and still lived at home but she didn't know more than the basics of his life. They had some of the same friends but hardly ever hung out. He was always too busy with Ashley. Not that she was complaining. He wasn't a fun person to be around.

Spencer casually strolled up to her brother, stopping directly at his side. He turned his head and regarded her with confusion. "Can I help you with something?" He finally asked in a tone that told her she was interrupting something important.

She briefly looked at her brother's company. They were both tall, blonde clean cut looking guys. She recognized them immediately. They were two of the school's best wrestlers. "I need Ashley's keys." She answered making eye contact.

"Is Ashley going somewhere?" One of the guys asked sounding nervous and confused. "That's cool, I mean I guess we can schedule something some other time-"

"Ashley's not going anywhere." Her brother cut him off.

"Ashley's sick and I'm taking her home." Spencer didn't understand the angry look Glen shot her. It didn't scare her. She didn't care what her brother had planned. Ashley needed to go home and sleep, not stay up and do more drugs with Glen and whoever else. "May I please have her keys?"

"Give Phoenix the keys." She looked at the other tall blonde. "Give the girl some rest and I'll holla at you tomorrow and see what's up."

"She'll feel better tomorrow." Glen reassured with a confident smile. "She just partied a little too hard. You know how that goes."

Both boys smiled and gave a slight nod. "We'll call around noon." They looked at her and complimented her game before walking away.

"Here." Glen pulled out a set of key from his left pocket and handed them over to her. "Are you picking me up after you drop her off? I don't feel like leaving right now."

A pang of anger shot through her as she gazed into her brother's face. He had been dating Ashley for over 4 years now and still showed little concern when it came to her health, both physical and mental. "Aiden's giving you a ride. Just text him when you're ready to leave." Glen opened his mouth, ready to say something else, but she didn't want to hear it. "I have to go. Ashley's passed out in the car."

The blonde walked away from her brother feeling aggravated and disgusted. Glen was terrible for Ashley and she never enjoyed seeing them together. It was harder when they first started dating. She wanted to ignore the brunette's existence, but loved her too much to ever go through with it.

Even now, when they hardly saw each other outside of school, the urge to hurry back to her was overwhelming. She feared for her safety more than anything, even her own emotions.

Slipping inside the car, she was relieved to see Ashley fast asleep in the passenger seat. She reached over for the brunette's seat belt and paused when her friend woke up, her eyes wide with fear, "Wha…who.." Spencer's face was inches away from hers in the dark car. "It's just me. Don't be scared." She buckled the brunette in and then settled back into her seat.

Ashley in her disoriented state began looking around the car. "I don't want to see her. I can't see her. Spenny, don't take me to her. Please, don't take me to her. Don't ever take me to her, Spenny. Please."

Spencer fought the urge to take the brunette in her arms once again. The fear in her glazed eyes, she knew where it came from, who caused it and she wanted more than anything to make it go away, something she wanted for years now. "We're going to my house." The blonde turned her head and started the car. "There's nothing to worry about." She reached out and held one of Ashley's hands.

Despite the high price of the car, Spencer found it easy to maneuver through the empty streets of L.A. It was her first time behind the wheel of the gray Porsche. The car originally belonged to Ashley's father and then became hers after he died. Ashley was never the same after his death, and then the events that followed only added onto her anguish. Sometimes the blonde didn't blame her for turning to drugs. On the other hand, she always hated not being enough for the brunette to turn to.

She was always there for Ashley growing up as little kids and the brunette had no problems confiding in her, and then her father died and she became distant. After her and Glen started dating Spencer didn't spend as much time with Ashley as she should have being her best friend. But was that really her fault? Ashley was the one doing drugs while she was busy studying or practicing for her next game. They started to completely drift apart in 8th grade, their lives going in opposite directions. Glen would often bring Ashley over to the house, but Spencer never wanted to see them together, she would think of any excuse to leave and go.

Despite everything, the blonde always considered Ashley her best friend. She could never throw her away like a lot of their other friends. The brunette would always have a part of her heart, even if it hurt at times.

The Porsche slowly pulled to a stop reaching the Carlin's driveway. Her parent's Buick Rendezvous was parked at a dock somewhere. Paula and Arthur were on a cruise celebrating their 18th year wedding anniversary. Spencer missed her parents but was happy they were taking some time alone together. Lately they'd been at each other's throat. The cruise would do them some good.

Spencer turned the Porsche off and melted back into the black leather. She turned her head. Ashley was fast asleep, her head resting against the window as her soft breaths filled the silence of the car. She couldn't remember the last time she watched her friend sleep. She knew it was sometime before her and Glen started dating. Too long, she reasoned and leaned over to unbuckle Ashley's seat belt.

The brunette's head jerked up, her eyes wide as they gazed into blue. "Spenny?" She murmured, her eye lids beginning to droop as a grin made its way onto her lips. "Spenny." Her arms loosely draped themselves around her neck. "I looooove you, Spenny." Her words came out slurred as her head lulled back, and then immediately jerked back up. Ashley began chuckling, her arms sliding off her body. "I'm so fucked." She groaned as her head fell back against the seat.

Watching brown eyes close, Spencer moved away from the brunette and climbed out of the car. She walked around the Porsche and stopped at Ashley's side. Opening the door, she caught the brunette before she could fall out of the car. "Up you go." She murmured tucking her arms under the brunette's body, she managed to safely get her out of the car. Carrying Ashley, she kicked the door closed and walked up to the house.

With some maneuvering, she managed to turn the front door knob without releasing Ashley from her arms. The Carlin's hardly ever locked the door knowing the big dog living inside would protect the house from any intruders.

"Hey, boy." She greeted the large white German shepherd lounging lazily on the couch. His head came up for a second and then dropped back down as she left the room, heading up the staircase.

Spencer entered the dark bedroom and placed Ashley down on the edge of the bed. She lowered her upper body onto the mattress, her legs dangling off the edge, Ashley's eyes twitched but stayed closed.

The blonde kneeled down and began unbuckling her expensive black heels, taking them off, she placed them aside and then stood back up. Blue eyes examined the girl sprawled across the bed sheets. The black dress was far too tight to sleep in. Spencer sat the brunette up and began unzipping the back of the black material.

Ashley's eyes opened, unfocused and wild, she started kicking and flailing in Spencer's arms, screaming 'No,' at the top of her lungs. Straddling Ashley's hips, the blonde grabbed both her wrists and pinned them above her head. "Calm down, Ash. It's just me. It's just me, Ashley. Calm down. It's just Spencer, Honey. It's just Spencer."

Brown eyes connected with blue and the brunette slowly started to relax, Spencer hovered over her, their noses a hair's breath away from contact, the blonde released her wrists and attempted to get off her friend but was stopped by the arms encircling her neck. "I'm sorry, Spenny." Gentle fingertips began stroking the soft skin behind her neck. "I thought you were someone else."

"You don't have to apologize." She reassured feeling the brunette's hands wander down the length of her body.

"You look good on top of me." Ashley smiled, her fingers running up and down her spine. "I've missed you, Spenny." She added in a low murmur. "We used to be so close…I miss us."

Sincerity pooled in the brown eyes staring up at her, Spencer refused to question the honesty in Ashley's words. She believed them, ignoring the fact her friend was high, she believed Ashley missed her just as much as she missed Ashley. "I miss us too." She replied in a voice soaked with emotion.

"Don't cry, Spenny.." The brunette smiled. "You'll have me crying just as hard." She added in a much softer voice.

She tried to muster up a smile but found it impossible. The party came to mind, their dance came to mind, she didn't want to feel like that again. She feared those feelings. "I'll put a smile on that face." She felt fingers move under her shirt, they began tickling her naked sides. Spencer immediately broke out in laughter and rolled off her friend, landing on her back, she laughed harder as Ashley straddled her hips and began an assault on her ribs.

The fingers finally came to halt after a minute of pleading. Spencer's breaths were ragged from laughter, her eyes slightly hooded as she stared up at her best friend. "You look better underneath me." Ashley smirked pulling her shirt down over her exposed abdomen.

The smile slowly started to disappear. Blue eyes watched, surprised, as the brunette moved off her body and hurried out of the bedroom. She could hear her in the bathroom emptying the contents of her stomach.

Spencer quickly got out of bed and entered the bathroom, kneeling down next to her friend. She kept wavy curls out of her face with one hand and used the other to soothingly rub her back as violent wracks assaulted her petite frame. "Fuck," Ashley groaned as she reached up to flush the toilet.

Spencer stood up and poured a bit of Listerine into the bottle's large black cap. She remembered Ashley telling her how her father used to take care of her when she was sick. He would make her rinse her mouth out with Listerine, drink a bit of water, and have a couple bites of toast.

The blonde kneeled down and offered the brunette the Listerine. She immediately poured it into her mouth. Spencer helped her stand up and they walked over to the sink. The brunette spit the Listerine out and cupped a handful of water.

"I'm sorry." Ashley softly said as they walked back to the bedroom. "You don't deserve my bullshit."

"Don't worry about it." Spencer moved behind her and unzipped the black dress. "I like taking care of you." She pulled the tight garment down her friend's body. She watched Ashley step out of the black dress and then walked her to the bed.

She sat on the edge wearing a lace bra and matching panties. "I'll give you some pajamas to throw over that." Digging in her dresser, she pulled out a plain white t shirt and black snoopy pajama pants. She handed them to Ashley and then grabbed her own sleeping attire.

"I'll be right back." She told the brunette before leaving the room and then headed to the bathroom. After changing into a faded pink tank top and gray Old navy pajama pants, the blonde headed downstairs to the kitchen. She filled two glasses with water and then brought them back up to her room.

Wearing the shirt and pajama pants, Ashley lied on her stomach in the middle of the bed. Her head was turned towards her, Spencer could tell she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. "Will you hold me while I sleep?" Her voice was low, exhausted.

Spencer placed the glasses down on the dresser and approached the bed. She lowered herself onto the sheets next to Ashley. Lying on her back, the brunette snuggled up to her, her long curls sprawled over her chest as she rested her head above Spencer's left breast. Reaching down, the blonde pulled the covers up over their tired bodies. "How's that?" She asked running her fingers through flawless brown waves.

"Perfect." Ashley murmured as she began massaging her scalp, luring the brunette into a deep sleep.

"Sweet dreams, Ashley." The blonde whispered closing her blue eyes, a soft smile unconsciously shaping her lips as she felt tanned arms tighten around her.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_The two preteens lounged around the dark pink room. It was night outside, the moon was out, and only a small desk lamp lit up a portion of the room, the rest shadows. Music played in the background, the radio set on a hit station. The small blonde sat on the full sized bed watching her older friend nervously. _

_Ashley sat in the corner farthest away from the light in a big, red, bean bag. It was a birthday present from Ashley and her Dad when she turned 10 last year. Twice her size and fun to jump in, it was by far her favorite present. "Do you want to go outside and jump?" She asked her silent friend thumbing through one of her many teen magazines. _

Brown_ eyes looked up from the magazine. She crossed her fingers hoping Ashley would want to jump on the trampoline instead of looking through the magazines. Her mother bought all the new ones, including the ones reporting Raife's death. "Isn't this a great picture of him?" She asked holding up the cover. The blonde's stomach turned. It was a picture of his open casket. "I guess we're lucky it was a drug overdose and not a car accident." _

_Spencer got off the bed and sat next to her friend on the bean bag. She took her hand and held it tight. "Please stop. I know it hurts and I don't want you to hurt anymore. I don't want you to ever hurt again." _

_Ashley threw the magazine aside and stood up, releasing her hand. Spencer watched her move to the closet, she opened it. "I want to live in your closet, Spenny." She walked inside disappearing from her view. Spencer got up and followed her inside. It was a walk in closet, everything was neatly arranged, leaving plenty of room for both girls. "I'll live in here and protect you from everything bad. We can be neighbors!" _

"_You're silly." The brunette looked at her, hurt. Spencer grabbed her hand and led her out of the closet. "I want you to live in here with me." She smiled brightly. "My bed will be our bed and we'll share everything! You're too good for the closet, Ash." _

"_Are you sure about that?" Ashley placed her hand on her waist and pulled her closer. Spencer stared curiously at her as she raised their linked hands up. Their arms stuck out to the right, the little blonde placed her free hand on her friend's shoulder. "I'm positive." She'd seen the position many times before in Disney movies. The ballroom waltz her father called it. _

"_Have you done this before?" Ashley moved her hand to the small of her back. Spencer shook her head. "Have you?" she asked right back. _

_The brunette nodded. "My Dad and I took lessons when I was younger." She took a step to the left, Spencer also moved, stepping on her feet. "Sorry." _

"_Don't be." Ashley smiled softly. "You're adorable when you blush." _

"_Shut up." Spencer giggled. "You're trying to make it worst." _

"_It's working." The blonde stuck her tongue out, Ashley snapped at it with her teeth. "Okay, let me teach you how to dance." _

_Spencer paid attention to everything Ashley told her and within a couple of hours she was moving in sync with her best friend. Her arms were numb but she didn't care. She enjoyed the closeness, the escape that dancing brought them. Raife's death wasn't a dark cloud over their heads, Ashley was having fun, smiling at her as they moved throughout the room. _

_And then they played one of his songs. _

"_Close your eyes, Spenny." She did what she was told. "Do you trust me?" Her blonde head bobbed up and down. "Good." Ashley began to move faster, Spencer followed, it was the same steps they'd been practicing, just a lot faster. Adrenaline filled the young blonde's body. She could run into something at any moment, but Ashley wouldn't let that happen. _

_The song finished and their bodies stopped moving. Spencer opened her eyes and darkness filled her vision. They stood in the closet, Ashley's back against the wall, her breathing hard. She finally lowered her arms, releasing the blonde's hand, but Spencer wasn't ready to let her friend go. She took a step forward and wrapped her arms around her waist, resting her forehead against the brunette's temple. She tightened her arms around Ashley, feeling her friend return the embrace. "I'm sorry your Dad died, Ash." Her tone was hushed, sad. _

_Ashley moved her head down to her shoulder. Spencer could feel her warm breath against her neck. "He would kill him." The words were softly spoken. The blonde almost missed them. _

"_Kill who?" She whispered not understanding the comment. _

"_Micheal." _

_The one word answer made Spencer's heart beat a little faster. Micheal was dating Ashley's mom, Christine. She never understood how Christine could start dating someone two weeks after her husband's death. It devastated Ashley. They've been together four months now and she could tell it still bothered her friend. "Did he hit you?" She wondered out loud fearing the answer. _

"_No." Ashley answered darkly, pausing a moment. "He fucked me."_

Spencer eyes opened and then closed. The dream, she couldn't explain how it felt to hear Ashley say it. _He fucked me. _Michael raped Ashley. The young blonde didn't know what to say.

Ashley left her speechless.

Blue eyes opened. Ashley hadn't moved since passing out on top of her. The blonde's hand stayed entangled in her dark hair. She left it there, her eyes absently staring up at the ceiling. They watched the blades of the fan move in fast circles. Around and around and around and around....

_Brown curls briefly tickled her nose as Ashley lifted her head. She couldn't make out her friend's face in the dark closet but could feel her brown eyes staring harshly into hers. "Say it." She whispered the command menacingly. _

_Spencer didn't understand. "Say what?" _

"_I wanted it! I seduced him! I'm a fucking whore! A fucking slut! I wanted him. Say it. That's what Mommy thinks. It must be true if she can say it to my face." Spencer reached up and felt the tears on her friend's face. "Don't touch me." She snapped, pushing her aside as she left the closet. _

_The blonde followed after her. Stopping in the middle of the room, she watched Ashley collapse on the bean bag, putting the magazine back on her lap. "Raife Davies was found in his Hollywood home dead Saturday, March 11__th__. An autopsy will be done……suspicions of a drug overdose…..and he leaves behind a grieving Wife and young daughter." The brunette angrily threw the magazine aside and stood up. "You're wrong. It doesn't hurt me." She closed the distance between them. Smiling, she placed her hands on her hips and dipped her head. "I promise I'll never ever hurt again, Spenny. You have my word." She whispered softly into her ear. _

"That feels nice." Spencer stilled her hand, having no recognition of stroking Ashley's hair. She looked down, feeling the body on top of hers stir, she was met with sparkling brown eyes. The sunlight from the window shunned lovingly on her friend's face, highlighting her dark eyes.

"How are you feeling?" She ran her fingers through brown and blonde bangs feeling strangely comfortable with Ashley. It was as if they picked up right where they left off, before Glen and the drugs.

"I just woke up from the best sleep I've had in ages. What do you think?"

"I must make an amazing pillow."

_Ashley pulled away, her eyes hollow as they stared into her blue. She blinked and a tear slid down her cheek. "Don't cry." She kissed the tear away and then moved up to her forehead, placing another there. "You're mom is wrong, Ash." The brunette's eyes fluttered shut as she placed a soft kiss on her lips, tasting them for the first time in two years. _

She moved her hand from soft bangs down to her face. Blue eyes followed gentle fingers down smooth skin, fascinated by the difference in their skin tones. Ashley had natural tanned skin that was envious, darker than her mother but lighter than her father. Her face was sculpted beautifully, skin flawless, she was gorgeous as a little girl and absolutely stunning now as a teenager. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"_I love you. You're my best friend and nothing will ever change that." Ashley cupped the left side of her face and they kissed for a second time. Their young inexperienced lips slowly moved against each other, both exploring the other's mouth in a strong daze. _

"I like taking care of you." Her breath caught in her throat as Ashley moved forward. She could feel her friend's warm breath on her lips, her eyes fell shut. A gentle kiss was placed on the left side of her face. Blue eyes opened as she pulled back, meeting brown. "I appreciate it." Her friend whispered gazing down at her.

_Spencer melted into her friend's embrace feeling loving hands roam her body, leaving a trail of fire wherever they went. She had never felt such powerful emotions. She yearned to show Ashley how much she loved her. How she would find a way to protect her from Micheal. From everyone._

Lying on her back, blue eyes stared up into brown. Ashley hovered over her staring deeply into her eyes. Spencer placed her hands on her hips, her gaze never wavering.

"_I love you, Spenny." Ashley whispered breaking the kiss. Spencer opened her eyes and met her hooded gaze. "I love you too, Ash." Her voice was shaky as her heart raced in her chest. "Promise we'll be friends forever. I can't live without you."_

Ashley slowly lowered her body, hooded brown eyes never leaving blue. Her breathing quickened as anticipation coursed through her veins. She felt Ashley's lips brush against hers, time stilled and she felt her heart flutter, it was the best few seconds she had in a long time. The kiss was sweet and lingered.

And then it was over.

"_I promise, Ash." She pulled her friend into her arms, hugging her tightly. "Forever." _

Spencer's breaths were slightly erratic as she stared up at the ceiling. She couldn't face Ashley. Timed moved backwards and she was 9 years old and terrified. There were no excuses this time. Ashley was sober and she couldn't help but wonder, 'Did it mean anything?'

Does it ever mean anything? Her mind harshly answered.

"Good morning."

Her blonde head turned. Aiden and Glen stood at the open door way, their eyes moving from her to Ashley. "Watcha guys doing?" Her friend asked moving deeper into the room. He plopped down on the bed next her. She scooted over, giving him more space to lie back.

"I have to go."

The brunette stood up from the edge of the bed and began collecting her clothes off the floor.

"You and Glen have stuff planned?" Aiden asked almost tauntingly. Spencer caught it in his voice. By 'stuff' he meant drugs.

Glen answered for her. "Yeah. We have a busy day a head of us." He looked at Ashley. "I hope you're all rested up, Babe."

Ashley approached him and she watched his hand cup her chin and urge her lips toward his. The innocent gesture was painful and confusing to watch. She didn't understand her feelings. She didn't want to understand them. "Good." He cooed and then looked at Aiden. "I'll see you around, Dude. Be nice to my sissy."

Her eyes moved over to Ashley. She stood staring at the ground before leaving the room with her brother. "Your brother was completely fucked last night." Her friend chuckled beside her. "I let him crash at my place because I didn't want to wake you up and he was a complete mess. Puking everywhere and then saying the most stupidest random shit." He turned his head and looked at her. "How trashed was Ashley?"

Spencer didn't want to answer but the curiosity in Aiden's eyes told her he wasn't going to let it go. "After the first twenty minutes I say she was sort of okay."

"Sort of?" He chuckled. "Did she puke?"

"Why is that important?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. According to Glen they were only smoking rock last night and I didn't think rock could make you sick."

Her brows knitted in confusion. Rock? She wasn't too sure what it was. Staring into her friend's face, she was torn between delving into her curiosity and leaving it alone.

"You do know what rock is, right?"

"No." She answered truthfully. "Do I want to know?" She asked hesitantly.

"I don't think it's a big deal." Aiden shrugged. "It's crack. You know? Crack cocaine. You mix cocaine with a little baking soda and water and wala. You have rock."

Spencer looked away from Aiden and stared down at the bed sheets. Crack cocaine. The idea of Ashley doing anything with cocaine scared and angered her. What was she thinking? Her mind demanded. She wasn't naïve. She knew Ashley was doing drugs, she just didn't know what kind. A part of her hoped it was something like pot. Illegal yes, but nothing you can die overdosing on. And then there was Glen. He supported Ashley's drug addiction. He probably found her the drugs. He didn't give a damn about her. She lightly shook her head, smiling sadly.

Did anyone give a damn about Ashley?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Her back sat straight against the blue plastic chair as her eyes scanned over the small black text of the large book. Slender fingers absently moved in a wave thumping against the hard wood table as her mind soaked in the Chemistry information. She rarely spent the school morning in the Library studying for a test but she wasn't in the mood to spend any of her weekend studying. Between the party, Ashely and Aiden, she was too tired to do anything more than relax. "Hey, Breeder." A cocky tone broke her concentration, she blinked looking up into the familiar face of the boy from the party.

"Justin, right?" She confidently asked giving him a friendly smile.

"The one and fabulous." He grinned. "And why aren't you outside with the cheer bitches giving the football players lap dances and hand jobs under the picnic tables?"

"I'm more of a pole dancer blow job kind of girl." She teased closing the text book on the table. Studying wasn't going to happen with Justin in her presence. "You can sit down if you want."

He pulled out the seat across from her and sat down. "This may tarnish my queer reputation but my therapist thinks I should give more straights a chance." His eyes rolled. "Of course he's straight but does look good in jeans."

"I never thought I could be bad for anyone's reputation." She mused as Justin ran a hand through his short blonde hair.

"What do you think? I tried out a couple new products this morning. Is it working out or do I need to switch?"

"Uhm," Her eyes examined the seemingly flawless blonde hair. "It's working out." She chuckled. "I've never met a guy like you. In fact, you remind me of Madison."

"That bitch. I'm nothing like her." He lowered his arm and placed it on the table. "I'm far more prettier and classier." He smiled coyly and sat up straighter in his seat. "You better watch out for me, girl. I'm so pretty I can get yo man in my bed with a bat of my eye lashes."

"Do you think Aiden's cute?" She prodded wondering if he was serious or not. Justin wasn't exaggerating. He was one the prettiest guys she had seen around school.

"You mean tall, dark and perfect. Fuck yes." He confessed, his hazel eyes playfully rolling back into his head as he groaned. "You have fabulous taste in men, my dear. Erin doesn't stand a chance."

The comment took her by surprise. Erin? The name instantly came with a face. "What do you mean Erin doesn't stand a chance?"

"She's mentioned you a couple of times since the party." He smirked. "She's totally into you but I've reminded her you're far too straight to be curved. Don't worry about getting hit on by a dyke." He chuckled and then slowly sobered at her silence. "You are too straight to be curved, right?" She opened her mouth, wanting to say yes, but couldn't. Her lips touched and sealed tight as she stared confusedly into hazel eyes. "Fuck me," He gasped. "You really are into pussy aren't you?"

"No!" Spencer found her voice and felt a sense of relief at hearing the bell. "Where are you headed?" She asked eager to change the subject.

"400 wing. You?"

"300 wing. Want to walk me to first hour?" She asked getting up from her seat.

"I suppose it's better than walking by myself." He turned toward her as they made their way to the exit. "But I'll go ape shit if I hear a jock or cheer bitch say something equally close to faggot."

"That's fair." She replied as they made their way to first hour. The two blondes made small talk the whole way there, discussing the people Justin couldn't stand in her clique. "Alright, Mr. Justin. I've enjoyed your company." She leaned over and gave him a brief hug."Everyone does." He said as they broke apart.

"Who was that?" Aiden asked as she took off her back pack and took a seat in the desk next to his.

"His name is Justin." She answered nonchalantly. "A guy I met at the party."

"Oh." He replied looking down at the twirling pencil in his hands. "Do you like him?"

"He's...different." She chuckled thinking he could easily be the boy version of Madison. "And I'm thinking he's just starting to kind of sort of like me. He wasn't as mean today."

"He's mean to you?" He asked incredulously with bulging eyes. "Phoenix you're the nicest girl I know! What the hell is his problem??"

"I don't take it personally." She responded casually. "Something tells me he treats all 'breeders' like crap."

"Breeders?" Aiden thought a moment and then realization struck. "He's...gay?"

"Who's gay?" Ericka asked turning around in her seat. The red head sat in front of Aiden and was constantly getting into their conversations. Spencer didn't mind but it always bothered her friend.

"The fag bag that walked Spencer to class." He answered with disgust.

"Don't be such a homophobe." Spencer shot him a dirty look.

"Whatever, Babe." Aiden blew it off and took out a blue notebook from his book bag.

"I thought he was a cutie." Ericka mused. "It's too bad he's gay. He looked my type." The red head added before turning around in her seat.

Spencer met Aiden's gaze and smiled when he rolled his eyes.

The rest of the school day passed by uneventfully. She walked out of 7th hour and headed to the gym. After school basketball practice was always more fun than work. She was on the varsity team and everyone wanted a piece of her. From playing one on one to asking for advice, she was the go to person on the team.

The blonde was first to finish a set of suicides and began running around the school. The team was practicing outside under the hot brutal sun. Sweat drenched her face as she ran laps, pushing her body past its limits. The team ran around the school twice finishing a day of long hard practice. Spencer was ahead of everyone, as usual, and was about to reach the gym when she spotted Ashley.

The brunette sat on one of the many dark picnic tables outside the gym. She watched her friend's eyes scan her body as she slowed down and approached her. "Here," The brunette slightly turned to the right, "Drink this before you pass out." She handed her a bottle of Dasani.

"Thanks." She brought the cool water to her lips and eagerly swallowed it down until nothing was left. Her arm lowered and she noticed how much was gone. "Sorry, it's becoming a habit. I'll buy you a new one."

"Don't worry about it." Ashley flashed her a playful smile. "You can make it up to me a different way."

"How about a hug?" She joked knowing her body, perspired from the heavy physical activity under the hot sun, was far too disgusting for anyone to touch.

Spencer arched an eyebrow watching Ashley get off the picnic table. The brunette closed the distance between them and without any hesitation hugged her. "You have to be grossed out." She chuckled as the arms tightened around her.

"You never gross me out, Spenny." Ashley kissed her cheek, she thought back to the other night, and then pushed the memory in the back of her head. She wasn't going to bring the kiss up. It was easier to ignore and pretend it never happened.

Like Ashley was doing.

"Thanks. What are you still doing here?"

"Too drowsy to drive." She confessed. "I'm being responsible, Spenny." Her head leaned forward and rested comfortably against hers. "You should be proud of me."

Cocaine. The word entered her mind with such vigor that she dropped her friend's gaze. Staring at her shoes, she couldn't believe Ashley would touch the drug. The idea angered and appalled her. Cocaine was the drug that killed Raife. "You're mad." She looked up into brown eyes.

"I'm fine." She lied. "Give me twenty minutes and I'll drive you home."

The idea surprised her friend. Her head jerked back, the arms fell from her body and she watched as Ashley folded them around her thin frame. Spencer had seen the gesture plenty of times. It meant she was nervous. "How are you getting home?"

"Aiden doesn't live too far from you. He'll give me a ride back." The expression on Ashley's soft face told her she was still unsure. "What's wrong?"

"You tell me." She shot back with a slight smirk.

The reply took her by surprise. "Nothing's wrong."

"Bullshit. I can tell when you're angry."

"And I can tell when you're nervous."

Ashley stayed quiet for a moment. "You know why I'm nervous."

The reason behind Ashley's nervousness began to make sense. She couldn't remember the last time she was at the brunette's house.

The last time she saw Christine.

She didn't know how she'd react to her presence. "Do you want to go back to my place?"

"It'll piss her off if I'm not home when she is."She didn't want to accept the answer. The last thing she wanted to do was leave Ashley alone with her mother. She feared for her friend's safety around the crazed woman. "You can drop me off home. I'll be okay." Ashley added reassuringly.

"Okay." Spencer finally gave in. "Give me twenty minutes and we'll leave." Ashley gave her another hug and whispered a thank you near her ear.

Spencer headed to the locker room in deep thought, she prayed Christine wouldn't be home. She didn't know what she'd say or do to the woman who both physically and mentally abused her best friend.

The warm water falling from the shower head hit her skin and she closed her eyes.

Her mind stopped and she felt peace.

The car ride to Ashley's was comfortable and quiet. The radio played softly in the background. Spencer kept her eyes on the road, her mind on Christine. She would look over to the right from time to time and see Ashley turned toward the window, lost in her own thoughts. She assumed she was thinking about Christine and turned back to the road, her grip on the wheel strained.

The silver Porsche glided to a slow stop in front of the Davies Mansion. Spencer wasn't concerned with the house or its gorgeous landscape. She was too busy searching for a black Mercedes. "It looks like she's out." Ashley said beside her, she turned her head. "Wanna come in?"

She nodded not having much of a choice. Aiden was more than okay with picking her up and driving her home. She just had to wait an hour for him to show up. She didn't dread the time she would have to spend with Ashley, she was actually looking forward to it, it was Christine she was worried about.

Spencer walked up to the house with Ashley at her side. They were silent as the brunette entered the key and unlocked the front door. The blonde entered the gorgeous house and looked around. A lot had changed since she was last there. Standing in the living room, her blue eyes noticed the expensive furniture and paintings. Despite the high cost of the room, she felt like she was standing in a model home. Far from homey or cozy, it was almost depressing and nothing like it was when Raife was alive. "I'll be right back." Ashley said from behind. She turned around and met her gaze. "Make yourself at home." She added before walking out of the room.

The blonde did what she was told and began looking around. The marble fireplace caught her attention. She approached it and then stopped. Picture frames lined the marble shelf, all of them lacking Ashley. They were all of Christine and various men. A frowned shaped her lips. Her body whirled around and she looked at all the other picture frames in the room searching for a trace of her friend.

She froze, her blood running cold. She couldn't believe her eyes. They had to be lying to her, she tried to convince herself as she approached the glass coffee table. Her hands reached out and grabbed a black picture frame placed next to a stack of magazines. Her hands slightly shook as she stared down into Micheal's grinning face.

Familiar arms wrapped around her from behind. She turned her head and met Ashley's gaze. "How could she keep this?" She watched brown eyes drift away from hers and land on the picture in her hands.

"He did nothing wrong." She simply answered. "I seduced him-"

"That's bullshit and you know it." Her voice was low but full of fire. "You were a fucking kid, not a seductress."

The brunette stayed quiet staring at the picture. Spencer didn't know what was running through her head. Ashley stared at him for seconds but it felt like hours of deep concentration. And then it was broken. She looked into her face and with one hand reached out, grabbing the picture frame. Their gaze stayed locked as she removed Micheal from her grasp and lowered him back onto the coffee table.

Spencer's right hand was taken by her. The blonde allowed Ashley to lead her through the door to the backyard. They stood under the shaded porch. Without breaking eye contact, the brunette closed the distance between them. Her free hand reached down and undid the button of her jeans. "A-Ash," She stuttered feeling her stomach tighten and her body tense.

"Trust me?" Ashley asked softly. She nodded without any hesitation and held onto her upper arms as she pulled the tight denim down her legs, her heart racing the entire time. She stepped out of the jeans and next came the shirt. The brunette grabbed the hem, pulled it over her head, and then tossed it aside.

Her eyes watched Ashley's hands move down to her own body. "Let me." She interrupted stepping over to her. The brunette removed her hands from her body and allowed her to undress her. She started with the jeans and unbuttoned them, trying hard to keep her hands from shaking. She was beginning to regret the whole situation. What the fuck an I doing? She wondered keeping her eyes on her hands. "Look at me." The voice softly commanded. She looked up into Ashley's face. "You're scared."

"Terrified." She confessed taking her hands off her friend's body.

Ashley took them before they got too far. "Don't be scared." She placed them back on her jeans and guided them down her legs. Her heart seemed to beat a little faster with every inch. She kept her eyes on her legs for fear of being exposed. What if I look up and she sees it? Her mind raced. Sees what??!! The answer was inevitable.

How much I want her.

Her mind stopped when she reached the brunette's feet. She pulled her hands away and slowly stood up watching her step out of the jeans. "We've done this before."

"I don't remember the last time." She answered finally looking up at Ashley. She grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it up over her head and then tossed it aside like she did with her shirt. She kept her hands to herself feeling the familiar heat of arousal threatening to corrupt all common sense.

"You were 9 years old and completely adorable. What's the difference between then and now?" The question was spoken innocently as if everything was just the same.

But nothing was the same.

They stood in their bras and panties. She was having a hard time keeping her eyes on Ashley's face and not her breasts. She was frustrated at her own body. Justin's words came to mind. 'You are too straight to be curved, right?'

"Come on." Ashley took her hand interrupting the internal war in her head. They reached the diving board, her hand was released. She felt a sense of relief standing near the pool, maybe the cool water would calm her raging hormones.

A soft smile reached her lips as she stepped onto the long white board. She walked until she stood at the edge. "Do you remember when we were little kids?" Ashley's hot breath caressed her ear as she felt gentle hands rest on her naked waist, she leaned back into her. "I was Jack and you were Rose and we'd reenact the railing scene from Titanic. You would look up at the sky and whisper, 'Jack, I'm flying, I'm flying Jack' and I would hold you and we'd both stare up at the sky." She turned her head toward the hot voice and met Ashley's darkened gaze. "I want to make you soar again, Spenny."

Spencer found herself drawn more and more into Ashley with each word. "How?" She whispered inches away from supple lips. Her mind became obsessed with tasting them as she gazed into brown eyes. All common sense vanished as she moved closer to them, and then they parted.

"Jump."

"Jump?" She softly questioned and at Ashley's 'Yes' she turned her head and stared down. The clear blue water was clean and inviting. She could feel the hot sun above her head – realization struck like a bolt of lightning and she felt panic.

They weren't kids anymore – they were barely friends and yet she still found herself standing in her underwear with Ashley on the diving board. Her body unconsciously stepped back. "What's wrong?" She urgently turned around, needing to get off the diving board and away from Ashley, but lost her footing and ended up falling into the deep cold water.

Her eyes wide open, she thought back to when they were kids, to Ashley telling her it was only 9 ft deep like it was no big deal. She stared up at the bright spot that was the sun. A large part of her never wanted to reemerge, she was too afraid and the reason behind the fear was still unclear to her. She didn't want to face Ashley, she needed space, she needed to get out of there.

Her oxygen starved lungs compelled her legs to kick hard, she broke the surface of the water and threw the hair out of her eyes with a head shake. They stilled on Ashley. The brunette watched her strangely a couple feet away. "I have to go." She swam to the edge of the pool, both hands grabbing onto the smooth concrete, she was about to lift herself out when Ashley's body pressed tightly against her back.

"You're scared." Her eyes focused on the tanned hands gripping the concrete on either side of her own.

"Terrified." She admitted quietly.

"Of me?"

The question was deaf to her ears. Her eyes closed tightly as she bit back a moan. She was beginning to regret trying to leave and cursed the spot Ashley had her trapped in. One of the many pool jets began gushing water, caressing the sensitive area between her thighs blissfully. "Do you want to move?" Ashley breathed running her lips lightly against her lobe.

_Say yes! Say yes! _"No." She moaned the single word answer and sharply inhaled feeling soft lips move down her neck, placing feather like kisses on her wet skin. "Ashley." Her head fell back as a breathless gasp escaped her lips feeling a hand trail up her body, running over her left breast, it brushed over an erect nipple as the lips on her neck became more insistent, sucking and nipping at her sensitive flesh.

Her legs began quivering under Ashley's heated touch. Her hand ran down the front of her body, and then stopped. Gentle fingers teased the smooth skin above the waistband of her panties, her breathing hitched as they descended underneath the thin material. They stilled at her neatly trimmed hair and it all became too much for her. " Ashley!" She cried out to the sky as her back arched, wave after wave of immense pleasure coursing through her body. She could feel Ashley's fingertips trail up her skin until her hand was removed from her underwear.

Afraid the brunette would leave her, she turned around. The brown eyes gazing into her blue were hooded with arousal. The overwhelming need to runaway from Ashley was gone, replaced with the need to hold her in her arms. With one hand still holding onto the edge of the pool, she used the other to cup the back of her head. Urging her down to her lips, blue eyes fluttered shut-

The sound of a door slamming startled both teenagers. Spencer immediately noticed the shift in Ashley's demeanor and turned around. A middle aged brunette approached them holding two towels. She hadn't seen the woman in years and yet she still looked as gorgeous as ever. Her slim figure was covered in a lady's business suit, dark professional heels covered her feet, and she wore her hair down, the long brown waves flowing freely over her shoulders. She felt Ashley move from behind her and watched her appear beside her out of the corner of her eye.

Christine took off her sunglasses and gazed freely into her blue eyes. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend, Angel?"

Angel. The name took her by surprise. Only Ashley's father ever addressed her by Angel. Ashley was named after her aunt on her father's side. She died at the age of 18 in a car accident. Raife hardly ever called Ashley anything other than Angel and the way he used it was to express the love and care he felt for his daughter. The way it came out of Christine's mouth was anything but loving. You could hear it in her voice, the taunting behind the endearment. It was just another way to remind Ashley of her dead father.

Another way to hurt her.

"Yes, Ma'am." Ashley answered with the utmost respect. "This is Spencer-"

"Sunshine." Christine cut her off using the name she often called her as a little girl. "And how are you doing, Dear? Does Angel still call you that ridiculous name? What was it now? Spitty, Spency, Spi-"

"Spenny." She harshly corrected becoming more and more angry with the older woman. Knowing the pain she caused Ashley over the years, she couldn't pretend to be anything more than cold towards her.

"Yes." She smiled. "I often see your brother hanging around. Heaven only knows what he and my whore of a daughter do when I'm not around."

"She's not a whore-"

"What else do you call someone who lost their virginity at twelve?"

Spencer attempted to lift herself out of the pool, she couldn't let Christine get away with the remark, it struck a sensitive nerve deep within her. A hand was placed over hers but she didn't pay any attention to the owner of it. Her eyes were too focused on Christine to look away, her mind obsessed with the thought of wiping the smug smile off the older woman's face, but Ashley wouldn't let her. Her arms slowly lowered her body back into the water and she looked away, focusing on the tanned hand on top of hers.

"I'm going out." She heard Christine tell Ashley. "I want the house spotless by the time I return. Understand?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Good girl." The grip she had on the concrete became painful, she eased up and relaxed her hand in an attempt to calm down.

The sound of the door opening and closing told her Christine was gone. It was back to being her and Ashley alone in the pool. She felt too many things at once to do anything more than stare at her hand. Brown eyes burned holes into her skin, she refused to face them._I want to make you soar again. _The words replayed in her mind and she couldn't help but wonder what they meant. Was it Ashley's plan to fuck her in the pool?

The hand moved from on top of hers, she closed her eyes remembering how hard she came after feeling that hand between her legs. Knowing it was there was enough to bring her over the edge, she had never felt anything like that before in her life, but it was all too familiar the way she felt now.

Hearing the back door open and close, she took a deep breath and submerged herself under water. She was tired of not mentioning it, ignoring it ever happened, and wondering if it meant anything. Ashley was driving her insane with mix signals. First the party, then the kiss, and now it was her assistance in an orgasm.

She needed answers.

Spencer lifted herself up and out of the pool. The two towels Christine had walked out of the house with were on the ground. She grabbed one of them and began drying off her body and hair. Dropping it on a nearby chair, she began dressing. Ashley's clothes were still outside. She didn't hesitate grabbing them and bringing them inside with her.

There was no trace of her friend inside the newly remodeled living room. She contemplated waiting for Ashley or going to find her. She went with second choice and approached the staircase. Taking the stairs two at a time, she hesitantly walked down the hallway. She remembered where a lot of the rooms were in the house and knew the last door to the right would be Ashley.

The door was opened as she stopped at the doorway. She immediately spotted Ashley sitting cross-legged at the head of the bed wearing a fresh pair of blue jeans and a black bra. Her brown eyes flickered over to hers and stayed there as she sucked a bright red straw up a piece of Aluminum foil. She held the foil with one hand and ran a lighter underneath it with the other watching her the whole time. "You're not the fucking maid." She said around the straw between her lips looking down at the laundry in her hands.

Walking into the room, she placed the clothes on a nearby dresser and then turned around. Her eyes fell on Ashley and watched as she ran the straw over the Aluminum foil a second time, her eyes casted down as the lighter followed the straw's trail from underneath the silver sheet. She approached the bed and didn't hesitate getting onto the mattress, sitting cross-legged at the edge, she continued watching her, finding it hard to keep a collected composure. She never imagined how painful it'd be watching Ashley do drugs.

It was heartbreaking.

Taking the straw from her lips, Ashley turned and placed everything in her hands down on the end table beside her bed. Facing her, she reached out and grabbed her hand. "Why are you so far away?" She asked softly urging her closer.

Spencer uncrossed her legs and moved closer to the brunette. Sitting on her knees, she sat inches in front of Ashely allowing the brunette's hands to rest on her hips. Her eyes were casted down staring into the brown casted up, she placed one hand on Ashley's shoulder and cupped her face with the other. "It's so much better closer."

"For who?" Her thumb began stroking her cheek, Ashely leaned into her touch.

"Us." The brunette answered softly, kissing the palm of her hand.

"It's not for me." She whispered suppressing a shudder as those lips continued up her arm. Ashley moved onto her knees and trailed her lips up her neck, nipping at her pulse point, she sharply inhaled feeling her warm voice near her ear.

"I don't believe that." She sucked lightly at her earlobe as her hands began roaming over her body. "You loved being close at the pool." She gasped feeling a hand boldly cup her right breast. "You were so fucking hot saying my name as you came." She whimpered feeling the palm of her hand tease her nipple through her shirt as she pressed her thigh firmly between her legs, straddling her thigh at the same time. Spencer didn't know what to think, all she could do was drown in the ecstasy that was Ashley. "I wanted you so fucking bad." The brunette moaned as they began moving against each other's sensitive centers. "I want you now." The words were full of want, Spencer's approval was at the tip of her tongue. She wanted Ashley just as bad if not more, her lips parted. "Let me have you now, Baby."

Her eyes closed as a sad smile shaped her lips. She wanted Ashley, but not the way Ashley wanted her. "This is all just for fun, isn't it?"

"It's always just for fun." She answered kissing the skin beneath her ear.

"Even with me?" She whispered.

"Especially with you."

Ashley's lips were back on her neck, she unconsciously tilted her head, offering the brunette more of herself. Opening her eyes, she stared out the open window as a hand made it's way inside her shirt. She blinked and a tear slid down her face, trickling off her chin. She felt Ashley pause, brown curls tickled her nose as she looked up. "Look at me." She did. "You're crying?" She asked with a mixture of concern and confusion.

The question only made more tears fall, she looked down and was only reminded of their closeness. She leaned forward and rested her head against Ashley's shoulder. "What am I to you?" She softly asked feeling a comforting hand run up and down her back. She wanted to melt into the embrace but stopped herself. She lifted her head and gazed sadly into her friend's eyes. "What am I to you, Ash?" She repeated quietly.

"You're my friend." She finally answered reaching up to wipe her tears.

"Do you act this way with all your friends?" Their eyes stayed locked as Ashley lowered her arm, removing her hand from her face.

"I act this way with a lot of people." She answered with a wicked smile. "We don't have to be friends." She looked away as she felt more tears well up behind her eyes. Everything was just a game to Ashley and she was nothing more than a toy to keep her entertained. _A lot of people. _She could see it now. Her, Glen, and some random chick all in one bed. The thought made her sick. Was she just someone on Ashley's to do list?She felt fingertips brush against her damp skin, "Don't touch me!" She snapped looking into her friend's shocked face. "Don't ever fucking touch me!"

On weak knees, she scrambled out of Ashley's arms, off the bed, and headed to the door. "Spencer." Her wrist was grabbed before she could leave the room. She turned around furious, her eyes harshly staring into desperate brown. "Let me go!" She demanded finding it painful to be in the same room as the brunette. "Please just let me go." She repeated as tears continued to flood her face.

"What do you want from me??" Ashley desperately asked cupping the side of her face. "Just tell me what you want." She pleaded gazing into her tear filled eyes.

_I want you to love me! _"I just want to go home," She answered tired and miserable. "Just let me go home."

Ashley stared at her a moment and then slowly lowered her hand off her face and then released her wrist. "Thank you." She murmured and then turned away. She couldn't get out the house fast enough. Her head was throbbing as she stepped out the front door, accompanied by a terrible ache in her chest.

Aiden showed up a couple minutes later, she walked numbly to the car and got in. She could feel his eyes on her as she stared out the window, her eyes fixated on Ashley's bedroom. "What are you waiting for?" She asked allowing her head to fall against the glass and her eyes to close. "Lets get out of here."

"What happened?" The worry was evident in his voice but she didn't care to ease his concern.

"I don't want to talk about it." She mumbled. "Can we please just leave?" She heard him put the car in drive and mentally thanked him.

She needed to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The muscles in her legs were on fire as she dribbled down the court in her sleeveless uniform shirt and shorts. She paused in the middle of the floor, a guy twice her size after the ball in her possession, she sharply looked to the left and then passed the ball to Aiden. He successfully caught it and continued down the court. She followed him to the opponent's basket and silently cheered as the ball fell into the white net, scoring another two points.

A smile never made its way onto her lips as she continued playing. Determination was all she felt and all the audience saw when she had the ball or obsessively attempted to steal it from her opponents. She was never considered a ball hog, but this game was different. There wasn't a second she didn't want the ball. She took it every chance she got, losing herself in the game.

She felt incredible for the first time that week. Her behavior didn't cause concern, it caused the crowd to roar, and the sound was music to her ears compared to being asked 'are you okay?' all week by everyone from teachers to complete strangers at school. She wasn't okay but nobody had to know that. She would smile, lie, and then move on with her day. A good amount of time was spent spacing out in the middle of class or lunch. The teachers showed concern and she lied to them too. After the first couple of days nobody believed her, especially Aiden but she refused to say anything more than, 'I'm fine.'

And then there was Ashley.

Thinking about her resulted in crying, feeling stupid, and hating the fact that she wanted her in the first place. She didn't see her around school and it was a blessing. A part of her never wanted to see her again, and the other part occasionally thought of ways to fix things with her, but she mostly focused on not thinking about her at all and exhausted herself with studying, practice, and taking care of house chores.

The final buzzard sounded and they won the game 67 to 29. Her teammates jumped around out of excitement for the win, hugged, and high fived each other. She was happy with the game but wasn't in the mood to go all crazy like everyone else. She sat on the bench drinking Gatorade while watching everyone. Aiden looked at her from the floor and then approached her.

"What's wrong?" He asked grabbing a plastic cup.

"I'm just tired." She answered standing up. Her eyes stayed on the cup in his hands as he filled it with Gatorade. He brought it to his lips and swallowed greedily, emptying the cup.

"When are you going to tell me the truth?" He asked facing her.

"I'm not lying to you." She insisted and then turned away at hearing their coach. The other team was already lining up to say goodbye. She followed Aiden to their line and they began shaking the hand of each member on the opposing team.

Touching the last person's hand, she broke away from the group and headed to the girl's locker room, more than ready to take a shower and go home. _need a new ride._ She thought dreading the car ride back to her house. Aiden was becoming frustrating with all his concern. Almost every conversation started with 'are you ready to talk about Ashley yet?' She was tired of it and couldn't wait for him to get over her weird mood.

Spencer entered the locker room and headed to the back. She heard voices from all around and hoped the owners wouldn't spot her. She wasn't in the mood to make small talk. Carrying a towel and a small bag, she walked to the showers with no interruptions.

Finishing her shower, she wrapped herself in a towel and headed back to her locker, passing a few cheerleaders along the way. Glancing at them, she noticed they completely ignored her presence, until she walked passed them and heard their low murmuring. _Let them think whatever the fuck they want. _Her mind drifted two days back and she remembered being asked if she was pregnant. She denied it of course and realized there were rumors spreading about her. It didn't bother her too much.

It all bullshit anyways.

"Phoenix." A familiar voice called out from behind. She turned around and faced Madison. Two cheerleaders stood around the Latina and watched with smiles on their faces. "Leave." She told them and from the looks on their faces she could tell they didn't like it, but did what they were told. "Nosy bitches." The head cheerleader mumbled as she walked over to her. "How are you?"

"We won the game, I'm feeling great."

Her brown eyes rolled. "That's not what I meant. Everyone's talking about you and I want to know why. Did you and Aiden break up?"

"No, we're doing fine. Everything is fine. I'm not pregnant or fighting with anyone. Are we finished?"

Madison stared at her a second before answering. "If you're so fine, why are you acting like such a bitch?"

She sighed. "I'm sorry if I'm being a bitch. I'm just naked and tired." She leaned over and gave the brunette a hug. "Thank you for your concern." She pulled away. "But I promise I'm okay and there's nothing wrong with me. You know people love drama at King. All the rumors are false and I don't know why people are starting them. If I do have a problem it's because I'm under a lot of pressure, okay?"

"From Aiden?"

"From life." She corrected. "School, home, basketball- it's gets to be a little too much sometimes."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Madison gave her another hug goodbye and she continued on to her locker. She didn't waste another second getting dressed. She didn't want anyone else to approach her. Pulling black denim jeans up her legs, she stared ahead at the empty space in her locker. _I do have a problem. _She reached up and ran a hand through her damp hair before kneeling down to dig in her gym bag.

After putting on a bra and a white cami top, she picked up the black Adidas bag and placed it on the bench. Slowly zipping it close, her eyes focused on the bench itself. She could see Ashley sprawled out on it, waiting for her to come out of the shower. It was something she started doing when they first entered high school. Even though they weren't as close, she would still pop in from time to time after a game, and Spencer loved it.

Her fingers released the silver zipper slider and she took a seat next to the bag. Her eyes went back to the locker thats been hers for four years now. Every time Ashley paid her a visit it would be in this very spot. The bench she sat on now was the one she lied back on as she waited for her. How bizarre, she thought sitting on the bench. _Am I waiting for Ashley_?

The thought seemed silly to her as she lied back on the bench, reclining until the back of her head hit the hard wood. She lied on the bench as if it was her bed and threw her arm over her eyes, blocking the bright light above her. All she saw was darkness as she continued the silly little thought. She wasn't waiting for Ashley, _then why are you still in the locker room? _Her mind softly questioned. _We just won one of the biggest games of the year, she should be here. __**Are you really so desperate that you'd wait here for her to show up?? **_"Fuck," She gasped removing her arm from her eyes as she sat up. _What the fuck am I doing?! _She got up from the bench frustrated with the single tear sliding down her face. _I'm so sick of crying. _She slammed the blue locker door shut and slung the black Adidas bag over her shoulder.

Spencer walked out of the locker room feeling a sense of relief at seeing Aiden seated on the bottom bleacher. She wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and go to sleep. Bed time was beginning to be something she looked forward to. It paused her life for a few hours and took her to a more enjoyable reality with no problems. "I hope you weren't waiting too long." She said to his standing frame.

"I wasn't." He took her hand as they began their journey to his car. "I feel pretty wide awake." He glanced over at her. "How about you?"

She heard it in his voice. He wanted to take her out somewhere. Jacob Stevens was throwing another party, she assumed that's where he wanted to go and looked at him, ready to say no, but he spoke first. "Come on, let me tell you about it first before you say no. Friday is Grey's teen night."

"What's Grey's?" She asked as she stepped out of the gymnasium in sync with Aiden.

"It's a night club." He paused in his explanation to wave goodbye to a couple teammates standing in the parking lot a few feet away. Spencer also waved. "They normally don't let minors in unless it's Friday. It's a new thing they're doing." He flashed her a dazzling smile. "We have to go, Phoenix. I looked it up online last night and they're supposed to have live music and good food tonight. Who can pass up live music, good food, and a couple games of pool?"

"Since when are you into pool?" She inquired playfully knowing her friend had no real interest in the game.

"Since I found out I can play it in a club I don't need a fake ID for!" He happily exclaimed fishing the keys out of his pocket. "We have to go." He released her hand and faced her. "Say yes, say yes, say yes, say-"

"Yes." She answered knowing he wasn't going to stop bugging her about it.

The closer they approached the club the more excited she felt. Sitting in the passenger seat of Aiden's black Tahoe, she couldn't wait for the night to begin. Her main goal was to forget about Ashley and have fun, maybe dance with a couple of people, and have a drink or two. Tonight would be the end of her down mood and she couldn't wait.

_Grey's Night Club _was packed, the parking lot full of cars and smoking teenagers. She turned her head and regarded Aiden as he waited for a yellow Nissan to back out of a parking space. "This place has double the people Jacob Stevens has." She mused in amazement.

"Triple." He corrected turning the wheel.

Spencer opened the passenger door and slipped out of the Tahoe. She could hear the loud music from where they parked and found the of outside the building to be quite nice. The large sign hanging high above the building was a bright Neon Purple. It was obvious the owner of the club had money to make the place look nice. "Ready?" Aiden took her hand. She nodded and they headed to the entrance.

The two teenagers got in after paying five dollars each. Spencer's blue eyes looked around amazed at everything they saw. The club was one large room and only lights seemed to section it off. In one corner was the stage where bright white lights constantly shined, opposite of that corner was the DJ's booth surrounded by strobe lights, the middle of the room was dark except for the many colored lights that blinked in time with the music, and the bar was illuminated by many dark blue lights. She looked around harder and noticed booths lined with purple and green lights lining the walls and a staircase leading up to a second story.

"This is incredible." She said near Aiden's ear as they seated themselves at the bar. He looked at her and nodded with a huge smile. "I just need to find someone to buy the drinks." He replied and then leaned back looking around. It didn't take him long to spot someone. Spencer watched as he approached a tall familiar red head. His name was Zach and was on the football team. Aiden pulled out his wallet and gave him some cash before returning back to his seat beside her. "He's our age." She said with some confusion.

"Our age with a 200 hundred dollar fake ID." He grinned, his eyes fixated on the bartender. "God, he has a nice ass." He said leaning over to her.

Spencer smiled and then stopped watching Zach hand the Bartender Aiden's money. "What did you order us?"

"Nothing too strong." He reassured grinning wildly. "It's really sweet and something you'll enjoy."

"You're such a liar." She responded watching Zach walk towards them holding two clear glasses of greenish brown liquid. He handed them both to Aiden. "There you go, Man." His brown eyes turned over to her. "Phoenix! Are you ready to drop a Jager-Bomb?" He asked as Aiden handed her the drink.

"What?" She questioned not understanding a word of what he just said.

"It's the name of your drink." Zach chuckled. "Jager-Bomb. Yummy as hell, I highly recommend it." Two men approached them and urged Zach someplace else. He looked over at her and Aiden. "I'll see you guys around, enjoy those!"

She watched him leave and then stared down at her drink. "You have to drink it fast, on the count of three." Aiden said near her ear. She looked at him. "Okay." She replied wiling to be more adventurous with the alcohol tonight.

He counted to three and she brought the glass to her lips, gulping until nothing was left. The taste wasn't too bad, it was like drinking red bull with Nyquil. She placed the empty glass down on the bar and turned to Aiden. "Lets dance." He took her hand and dragged her to the dance floor.

Stepping into the crowd of moving bodies, Spencer's hips slowly began moving in time with the music as she walked with Aiden. They stopped in a dark spot near the stage, she draped her arms over Aiden's shoulders and danced with him until the song ended. She removed her hands from his body and moved with a couple other people. Nothing sexual, if anything, she danced with a smile on her face and had fun occasionally brushing against someone and then turning around to share a dance with them.

Her eyes stayed opened and were always moving, looking around, searching. She knew who she was looking for. A lot of girls reminded her of Ashley and she found herself yearning for the real one to show up and take her breath away. She smiled sadly at the thought knowing how ridiculous she sounded. [i]_Get over her.[/i] _Her mind urged.

It was easier said then done.

"Alright Ladies and Gentleboys, this DJ is going on a much needed break but here are some kids that will gladly take my spot, temporarily of course. We promised live music and here some of it is. I present L.A.'s own 'Fuck Ups."

The dark stage in the corner came to life. Spencer turned her head and watched the band as they began to play. Two girls and two guys, she recognized the two girls immediately. Erin and Jonica, the names came to mind quick as she watched them play their instruments. Erin was playing a black guitar while Jonica expertly moved her fingers across a silver keyboard. The lead singer played bass and another man was on drums. The music was good and easy to dance to. Their sound was a unique mix of indie, techno, and punk.

But the music was the last thing on her mind.

She couldn't stop staring at the lead guitarist. Erin played on stage like a true rock star but it wasn't her playing that had her transfixed. The dark haired girl was absolutely stunning. The leather jacket and tight tee shirt she wore barely covered her torso, every time she lifted the guitar, even a little bit, Spencer caught sight of her hips and the two piercings there. "You're the only one not dancing." She turned her head and was greeted with Justin's smirking face. "Is the music not good enough?"

Her eyes moved back on stage, settling on Erin. "The music's great." She answered somewhat distracted. "I had no idea she was in a band."

"It's impossible to know much about anyone you've known for five minutes." He answered close to her ear and took her hand. "Come with me."

The blonde willingly followed Justin, her eyes glued to Erin the entire time. She hadn't spotted her yet, but Spencer knew that was bound to change. Justin led her to the side of the stage, there were four steps. They walked up two of them and then stopped. Two more steps and she would be on stage, right beside Erin.

The guitarist must have spotted her out of the corner of her eye because she turned her head, their gazes meeting. Erin had soft green eyes that would be easy to drown in, Spencer smiled and she returned it before turning her attention back to the dancing audience. "She really likes you." Justin's voice was in her ear. "You better let her down easy."

She looked at him. "And what if I like her back?"

"Wouldn't that bother your boyfriend?" Justin asked giving her his full attention.

"No, it wouldn't." She looked back at Erin and watched as she caught the stem of a rose thrown from the audience with her mouth. The crowd applauded her as she kept playing the guitar in her hands. She turned her body toward Spencer and approached her. Leaning forward, she offered the rose to her. Spencer stared into her green eyes as she leaned forward, taking the rose from between her lips using her mouth. Their lips never touched as she took a different part of the stem and pulled back. The crowd went crazy and she found herself blushing as she reached up to take the rose from her mouth.

She brought the red rose to her nose and inhaled, enjoying its scent as her eyes stayed locked with Erin's. There was no denying the interest reflecting in gentle green orbs. Spencer twirled the rose between two fingers as Erin finally looked away.

She turned her head and regarded the empty space beside her with surprise.

Justin was nowhere to be found.

From her spot on the steps, she looked around and finally spotted him at the bar sitting with Aiden. _What are they talking about? _She murmured to herself stepping off the steps and joining the crowd on the bustling dance floor. "Can I buy you a drink?" A deep voice asked. She turned to the stranger and politely declined while pushing past people, trying to get to the bar.

As she made her way through the throng of moving bodies, she stopped noticing her twin brother. Glen was going up the staircase holding two beers. She stared until he disappeared. _What goes on up there? _She wondered watching more people approach the staircase.

Her legs moved slowly toward the darkened staircase knowing who she was looking for but not knowing why. The brunette would surely be up there doing god knows what with god knows who but that didn't stop Spencer from slowly descending up the staircase. She was nervous, curious, and scared all at the same time and the feelings only intensified when she reached the top.

The second floor looked nothing like the first. The room was spacious and dimly lit with dark red lights. A thick fog from various types of smoke made it hard to see. She looked all around and noticed bodies scattered everywhere doing everything from smoking pot to having sex.

Twirling the rose between her fingers, she walked deeper into the room and watched as some people did drugs and avoided the ones who were having sex. She stepped around a couple on the floor and accidentally bumped into a hard body hidden by the smoke. "Careful, Sweetheart." A voice with a hint of an accent softly warned. "It would be so easy to get hurt in here." She felt the stranger's hand wrap around her wrist as she started to back away and internally panicked. "So dark- it would be easy to fall and hurt yourself. Would you like to go somewhere less crowded, Sweetie?"

The hand pulled her toward a hard body. "I've got to get going, sorry." She tried to pull her wrist out of his grasp but it only encouraged him to squeeze harder, sending a wave of pain through her, forcing her hand to open and the rose to fall. "Come on, Sweetie. No one says no to Ramone."

"Fuck off." A voice from behind violently commanded.

She watched the man named Ramone direct his eyes over her shoulder. "Why should I?"

"Because," An arm wrapped around her waist, Spencer leaned back into the warm body pressed up against her. Soft, warm breaths tickled her sensitive skin, followed by gentle lips running up the length of her neck, nipping at the pulse point, she released a sigh. "She's mine." Her blue eyes watched Ramone's face as he released her wrist. A tongue peeked out from his lips and ran across the top one.

"Lets share her, Ashley."

"No," Was whispered in her ear as a finger trailed up her throat, along her jawline, and finally Ashley cupped her soft cheek and urged her face to meet her own. Her eyes stared into hers with undisguised lust that caused a surge of desire to run through her. "I want every inch of her for myself." She leaned into the hand cupping her face and kissed the thumb tracing her lips. "Go back downstairs." Ashley removed her hand from her face and the arm encircling her waist.

Spencer looked away. Ramone was gone, she turned around and met Ashley's cold gaze through a thin fog of smoke. "Leave."

"Why?" She questioned softly walking until they were inches apart. She didn't know if it was the smoke or the shock from Ramone but the last thing she wanted was to leave and the first thing she needed was Ashley. Her arms came up, encircling her neck, she continued gazing into her cold eyes. Ashley kept her arms pinned to her sides the whole time. "What if you were the reason I came up here?"

Ashley quickly reached out and pulled Spencer to her. There was nothing gentle about the hands on her hips and Spencer wasn't expecting an 'I love you' to come out of their closeness. The closeness was far from loving and Spencer saw it in Ashley's eyes that she didn't want her there.

"The only reason to come up here is to fuck," The brunette moved her hands to her backside and pulled her tighter against her, Spencer could feel Ashley's thigh press harder against her center, she fought back a moan. "Is that what you came up here for?"

The blonde wrapped her arms tighter around Ashley's shoulders, letting one hand lose itself within many brunette curls. "Who did you come up here to fuck?" She asked moving closer to her lips.

"Not you." Ashley answered slightly tilting her head to the side. "It'll never be you."

"I don't believe you." She murmured feeling her soft breaths tickle her skin. "You love when I say your name as I come."

"I was high at the pool and completely fucked in my room when I said that."

"Are you high now?"

"Very."

"Good."

With the hand buried in Ashely's hair, she pulled her closer until she touched her lips softly. Her bottom lip trembled as her hooded eyes stayed opened. Ashley Davies. All week she obsessed over hating the fact that she loved her, wanting to make up with her, and forgetting about her all together. Now here she was kissing the reason behind her broken heart and tortured mind.

The grip she had on Ashley's hair tightened as she kissed her a second time. Pouring all of her strained emotions into the kiss, her eyes closed shut as her lips moved fiercely against her sweet mouth. Ashley kissed her back just as hard and she was powerless to stop the moans of pleasure escaping her throat. Her hands slipped under her shirt as Ashley tugged insistently on her bottom lip demanding entrance.

Feeling warm hands on her naked skin, Spencer's lips parted allowing Ashley's tongue inside her mouth. Spencer was so lost in the depths of the kiss that she never realized she was moving until she felt her back hit the wall.

But that didn't stop her.

Her hungry mouth continued feasting on Ashley's lips. swallowing her moans as Ashley's left hand moved from the hot skin on her back to the sensitive skin on her neck. She felt the back of her fingers stroke her throat, moving lower and lower each time, she nearly cried out when she felt them brush over her left breast and continue down between their bodies, slipping under her shirt.

The muscles in her abdomen flexed under her fingertips, they traced every inch of her visible four pack, Spencer broke the kiss with a breathless gasp and stared down. She couldn't see the hand stroking her stomach but she was able make out what Ashley was wearing. A short black vest with nothing underneath barley covered her torso and stopped above her hips. She couldn't see anything passed that.

Breathing heavily, she reached out and undid the bottom button of the vest, followed by the middle and then finally the top. Their bodies were so close that she could feel Ashley's ragged breaths across her face, but she didn't dare look up for fear of the spell being broken. Instead, she focused on Ashley's exposed skin.

The now open vest was the only barrier between her and Ashley's breast. With trembling fingers, she touched the valley of her breasts and then slowly trailed her fingertips under the dark material of the vest. Her hand opened fully against her heart and she could feel its rapid beating against her palm. For a moment she wondered whose heart was beating faster, her or Ashley's?

The fingers on her abdomen stilled as she keeled down, moving the vest out of the way, she replaced her hand with her lips and kissed warm, soft, skin, lingering at her fast beating heart. She could feel it's pounding against her lips. Her eyes closed wishing she could take all the pain that seemed to pour from each beat away. Feeling Ashley's hand in her hair, she looked up into her dark eyes while kissing down her breast. They were hooded and she could faintly hear her heavy breathing. She moved her gaze back to her breast and parted her lips, ready to take the erect bud into her mouth, she was stopped by the two fingers placed under her chin. They urged her up.

Standing straight, Ashley took her lips in another hungry kiss. Parting her lips, their tongues shared another dance. Spencer's hands reached out and fully cupped the breasts she couldn't taste. Ashley gasped at the unexpected touch, breaking the kiss, she groaned and buried her face into her shoulder, breathing heavily against her neck. Spencer continued kneading her breasts, teasing her hardened nipples with her fingers, she felt her knees begin to quiver from arousal as Ashley began kissing up and down her neck, sucking and nipping at her sensitive skin. Her hands moved from Ashley's breasts to her curly hair as the brunette began kissing down her body, stopping to suck each of her breasts through her clothing, Spencer moaned deeply as her head fell back against the wall. Through hooded blue eyes, she stared down stroking Ashley's hair as she kissed down her stomach, lifting her shirt to lick and suck at her abs. Tracing every crease with her tongue, Ashley slowly kissed up her body, nipping at her pulse point before meeting her desire filled eyes.

Spencer cupped the left side of her face, moving forward to eagerly capture her lips, Ashley pulled back. She tried again, moving forward to kiss her, and again, Ashley jerked away. She stared confusedly into her eyes.

Ashley didn't say a word as she lifted her arm up. Spencer watched it slowly descend up to her face holding a cylinder shaped object between her fingers. Ashley shook it a couple of times before bringing it up to her nose. Brown eyes momentarily closed as she held down one nostril to snort whatever was in the container with the other. Spencer watched as she deeply inhaled two times before lowering the object. Her hands reached out and cupped Ashley's before it could disappear. Her brown eyes opened and stared questionably into hers as she brought her tanned hand to her flushed face, her nose hovering above the container. She repeated her actions and held down one of her nostrils, Ashley jerked her hand back before she could inhale. "What are you doing?" She questioned softly.

"I want to know what it feels like." She answered bringing Ashley's hand back to her face. "I want to know what it gives you that I can't."

Ashley looked away and seemed to be contemplating something in her mind. Spencer stared down at the glass object in her hand. It was inches away from her face. Again, she brought a hand up to her face and closed her left nostril, "Stop." She looked up as Ashley pulled her hand back. A smirk made its way onto her lips as she lowered her arm. "I'm far more enjoyable then coke." Ashley's mouth crashed upon hers and they kissed deep and hard, her hand reaching up to lose itself within many brown curls. Her tongue was being sucked into a warm, sweet mouth, she moaned deeply into the kiss and found her lungs starved for air when it was broken. "Close your eyes." A low husky voice commanded. She did what she was told and felt Ashley's hands on her shoulders, urging her to turn around. "Start moving, Spenny." The words were spoken softly in her ear as two hands covered her eyes. Her legs blindly carried her through the smoky room guided by Ashley. "It's the worst hell imaginable accompanied by heaven's finest bliss. Sometimes you feel like God himself, you can do anything. And then it slowly leaves your body and you do everything in your power to get it back. And if you don't get it back, you're fucked. It eats at you until you can no longer take it. You find yourself breaking everything within reach, tearing your hair out, grabbing a knife and putting it to your wrist- it doesn't stop until you have it again. The goal is to never run out and you do whatever it takes to make sure that never happens." The hands left her face and she opened her eyes. A figure stood a few feet ahead looking around, it was hard to make out who it was through the darkness and fog, but she did. "Go thank her for the flower, Spenny." She attempted to turn around but Ashley's hands kept her from moving. "You'll never get one from me." The words were whispered in her ear as the hands left her body. Every instinct in her being told her to turn around and go after her.

She refused to listen and forced her legs forward.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Erin emerged from the top of the staircase and cautiously walked deeper into the room, her eyes searching for a blonde woman with a rose. From her spot on stage, she watched Spencer approach and slowly descend up the staircase. Concern gripped tightly at her chest watching her disappear into the dark, smoky, area. She knew what went on up there. The place was notorious for sex and drugs, but also rapes. Finishing their last song, she couldn't jump off the stage fast enough, ignoring anyone who wanted a word with her, she briskly walked to the staircase and took them up two at a time.

At first, her mind urged her to back off and let Aiden go after his girl, but her thoughts abruptly changed when watching him leave the club with Justin. Heading out the front door, she watched them, stunned. She knew where Justin took his men from the bar, they usually went out to his car for some serious make out sessions and Bjs. She couldn't wrap her mind around Aiden, one of the school's biggest basketball stars, going with him. And then there was his girlfriend. Did she know he was outside making out with another guy? On stage, she masked all of her concerns and confusion and continued playing like a rock star not knowing what she would do when she finished.

Now, she looked closely at everybody on the second floor of Grey's, fueled by fear and concern for the blonde. Phoenix didn't seem like someone who would be into drugs and sex at a public club, but then again, she didn't know Phoenix at all.

But she wanted to.

Two hands touched her from behind, placing themselves on her shoulder blades, they ran down the expanse of her back. "Dance with me." The words were spoken into her ear. The dark haired girl turned toward the voice. Her eyes came to rest on familiar blue eyes. She found herself grinning at the lazy smile on Spencer's face, looking harder, she noticed her eyes slightly hooded. "Did you take something?"

"Nope." Spencer giggled placing her hands on her hips as she danced to the music downstairs. The song was upbeat yet sensual, Erin watched Spencer's blue eyes close, her hands moving lower to hook her index fingers into her belt loops, pulling her closer. The blonde moved her hips to the beat, grinding against her as she threw her head back and smiled. Erin believed she didn't take anything. The air was thick with smoke from different drugs, breathing it in was all it took to get high.

She knew she should get them out of there as soon as possible, but the blonde convinced her to stay for one dance. Her hips slowly moved back against Spencer as she loosely wrapped her arms around her neck. Her eyes stayed on her dance partner as she moved to the music, feeling her thigh brush between her legs, she couldn't help the arousal that struck her body. Phoenix was a sexy little dancer she observed watching as she bit down on her bottom lip, her face in ecstasy as she moved deeper against her. "Who are you thinking about?"

In her mind, the question was purred seductively by a low husky voice. "You." Her eyes opened wanting to see the desire in her eyes. The smile on her lips faltered, her gaze landing on someone unexpected. She continued dancing against the dark haired girl trying to remember where she came from. The bits and pieces quickly came together and she found herself blushing. "Thank you for the rose." She blurted out while putting distance between their bodies. Her head felt different, lighter, dizzy. "I need water," She found herself saying as the room began to move from underneath her.

She stopped dancing, Erin's hands fell from her body. "I'll help you back down." She nodded and grasped onto her forearm, trying to keep from falling.

After the difficult task of making it down a flight of stairs, Spencer situated herself at the bar with Erin's help. "I'll be right back." Erin excused herself and went to the other side of the bar. Her eyes watched as she talked to the bartender, ending the conversation with a money exchange. Seconds past and her unfocused mind began to drift to another reality. She no longer saw Erin or the bartender.

Only Ashley.

Her arm unconsciously reached up, running fingers over her lips. She fought back a shudder remembering her sweet mouth. The flavor that stained her breath was enjoyable, like a blend of mixed berries with a hint of alcohol. She could still taste it, the reminisce of Ashley's kisses, caressing her taste buds like her tongue had done moments before.

"Here you go." Her hand shot down from her lips as she accepted the cold glass being offered to her. She forced her mind to focus on Erin and not think of anything else. Anyone else. The drugs in her system didn't help. She felt relaxed, drowsy, but also disorientated.

She didn't like it.

"How are you feeling?" Erin sat barely a foot away on the bar stool next to hers cradling a glass of dark fizzy liquid. A sweet scented perfume filled her senses as she gazed into the prettiest green eyes she'd ever seen.

"Weird, strange, mystical." Her words came out slower than usual, she dropped her head onto the bar, smiling. "I'm out of here if I see a dancing elf." She immediately came back up. "Or a rabbit who tries to get me into his rabbit hole."

Erin couldn't help but smile at the concern etching the pretty blonde's features. "I promise I won't let the bunny hurt you. In fact, I'll tell him to take me instead."

Chuckling, she looked down at the glass in her hand. "I'm being silly."

"You're not." Erin leaned forward so she wouldn't have to yell for the blonde to hear her. "A dancing elf would freak me out, too."

Smiling, Spencer watched her lean back into the bar stool and reach for the glass of Diet Pepsi. The cold water she craved earlier was still left untouched by her lips. She had to wonder, was it fear of losing Ashley's lingering taste that kept her from drinking? There's that name again, her mind taunted. She tuned it out and focused on the person who deserved to be thought of the most. Her eyes studied Erin's profile as she sucked on a long red straw, her gaze lingering on the many bottles lining the wall behind the bar. The hair on her head appeared to be blue, she knew the lighting of the club was to blame for it, but it didn't take away from the natural beauty of her face. And how beautiful that face was, her mind murmured as she looked to her. "Tell me about Aiden."

The request raised many questions in her own mind. Like, where was her tall handsome friend? And where was Justin? Last she saw them, they were where she sat now. She shook off the thoughts and covered her concern with a smile, replying, "What would you like to know?"

A sudden move of green eyes brought their gaze downward to rest on the bar as Erin distractedly twirled around the straw in her Pepsi. "Are you his girlfriend?" The straw was forgotten as she looked back into her face, waiting for an answer.

The words were on the tip of her tongue, but somehow, she couldn't get them past her lips. All the years of hiding Aiden's true self from the world would be shattered the moment she answered what should have been an easy question. Was that all at stake here? Her inner thoughts wondered. And....was Aiden the only one hiding? There was so much she needed to think about, so much, she didn't want to face but had to, but not now, not in her strange state of mind. "I was never his girlfriend."

The brilliant smile that spread across Erin's lips made her feel a sense of relief. Everything will be fine, she could feel it deep inside herself as she gazed into happy green eyes. Nothing bad could come from allowing someone else into what was becoming her complicated life. A hand was placed over hers on the bar, Erin's smile was contagious, she smiled back. "Good because I want to take you out sometime, and it'll be nothing like a house party or a crowded night club." She paused a brief moment spending every second gazing into her eyes. "Maybe we can go to the park and have a picnic, or the movies so I can find every excuse to hold your hand and wrap my arm around you with a fake yawn. Would you like that?" She softly asked.

Blue eyes moved away from green. She focused on the hand on top of hers and linked their fingers together with a soft smile, "It would be a dream come true." With one difference. No Ashley. Her free hand moved to the bracelet on Erin's wrist, slowly moving the rainbow band in circles. She was terrified. Her eyes flickered over to Erin's and saw the concern pooling there.

"I understand if this is too much for you." Erin's voice was comforting and understanding, but also held a bit of sadness. "Agreeing to go out with me, I mean being who you are, it's not an easy choice to make." She gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I'll back off and give you all the time you need." She flashed her a comforting smile. "No pressure"

"I don't know what to say." She confessed nervously, her fingers twirling the bracelet around more slowly as she delved into deep thought. She didn't understand the fear keeping her from saying yes. It seemed to revolve around Ashley more than anything else. How would she feel about her with another girl? A heavy sadness all of a sudden filled her chest. She didn't give a fuck about her relationships. The pain only intensified when she realized Ashley was the closest thing she ever had to a relationship. She finally had an answer to her previous question. She was hiding. Hiding from the world around her, keeping people away with her 'taken' status, why? So she could wait and wait and wait for Ashley. Always waiting...."Give me your cell phone."

The puzzled teen did what she was told. Grabbing a slim silver cellphone from her jacket, Erin handed it over to her. Spencer spent a couple minutes toying with it before handing it back over. "You have my phone number." She smiled at the wonder in Erin's eyes. "Call me for that date."

She was done waiting.

Aiden and Justin casually strolled up to them. They made small talk for awhile longer before calling it a night. Spencer hopped off the her bar stool and waited for Erin to do the same. The dark haired girl was a few inches taller than her, she realized hugging her goodbye. "We need to play a game, Stretch." She playfully suggested slightly pulling back.

"You're on, Phoenix."

"Spencer." She kindly corrected. "You can just call me Spencer."

"Spencer." Erin gazed down at her, trying the name out, a smile played at the corner of her lips as she unconsciously pulled the blonde closer to her. She was lost in pale blue eyes, the activity booming all around faded into nothing and all she saw was the beautiful girl in her arms. "Do you remember my name?"

"Of course." She murmured her fingertips idly stroking the skin on her back as she drowned in the intensity of their gaze. "You're name is Erin," A faint smile shaped her lips. "You're a talented artist and an amazing musician." The gap between their mouths slowly started to close as she continued, "My dream come true, how can I forget your name?"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

The words were faraway, she barely heard them, but it was still enough to get her attention. Spencer jerked back and turned her head just as their lips were about to touch. "I'm sorry, that was..." Erin's words were lost on her as she watched Ashley storm out of the club, car keys visibly in hand. "Are you alright?" Her attention snapped back to Erin.

"I have to go." She murmured faintly. "See you soon?" Erin nodded as she slid her arms from around her body.

"Have a good night, Spencer."

"You too." She briefly kissed her cheek and then turned around, heading for the exit, she caught a glimpse of Aiden's strange stare. The questioning look in his eyes stayed in her mind as she walked out the door. He must be confused, she thought as her eyes scanned the parking lot. One day she's telling him she's happy being single and the next, she's kissing a girl good night, but not just one girl, No, she kissed two girls that night, her mind harshly reminded as her eyes landed on Ashley.

The brunette's back was to her as she stood in front of the driver side door of her dark gray Porsche. She could hear the keys jingling in her hand as she approached her, her feet only stopping when reaching her side. She watched Ashley try to stick one of the many keys on the key ring into the the door, her trembling hand making the task impossible. "Fuck!" She threw the keys on the ground out of frustration and kicked them under the car. "Piece of fucking shit!"

Ashley walked to the hood of the car, ignoring her presence completely, and began climbing on top of it. "Wha- what are you doing?" She fearfully inquired, becoming more horrified by the second. The brunette didn't answer, she just kept moving, climbing up the windshield, she reached the top of the Porsche and with a bitter grin began stomping on the glass sun roof.

Her eyes widened in shock, the sound of cracking glass all she could hear. Without thinking, she reacted and before she knew it, she was on the windshield. "Ashley stop," Her voice was shaky, soft, scared, it did nothing. The brunette continued stomping, the glass becoming more and more damaged, she placed her hand over her tanned one in a desperate attempt to calm her down. The anger boiled visibly in her chocolate eyes as she turned to look at her, her breathing heavy. "Please, stop." Spencer begged, tears spilling from her eyes as she lost complete control and closed the small space between them.

Ashley took her into her arms as she sobbed harder, all the night's emotions becoming too much for her to handle. "It's alright." She murmured into her ear as she buried her face into her shoulder, clinging harder to her as if her life depended on it. Loving hands rubbed her back soothingly as a soft voice whispered caring words to her, promising everything would be okay.

She slowly quieted down and even then, she didn't want to let go. The arms holding her as she cried felt heartbreakingly right. She relaxed into Ashley as her heavy eyes stared out into the parking lot. How funny we must look, she smiled tiredly. Two teenage girls holding each other on top of a Porsche. Not too long ago they were on the second floor of Grey's making out....until Ashley urged her out her arms. Probably to go fuck someone else, her nose unconsciously inhaled and the only perfume she smelled on her was her own. She nuzzled against the soft skin of her neck and with a soft sigh wondered when she became so attached to the girl in her arms.

Her mind took her back to Kindergarten. At five years old she was the new kid at a big school in L.A. It was in the middle of the school year, she recalled how angry she was at her mother's decision to take up a new job in California. The move was brutal. She hated having to say goodbye to all her friends and family and feared being alone. The day came to start school and she was absolutely terrified.

"_You two are just in time for recess." The teacher added with extra enthusiasm, making the little blonde feel a bit better. What if no one likes me? Her young mind feared. She looked at her older brother walking beside her and noticed the fascination in his eyes as he looked all around. She did the same and noticed how different the school was from their last one. Twice the size and double the population, activity boomed from all around them as they walked through a set of double doors. _

"_Okay Carlin twins." Identical pair of blue eyes looked at the teacher who knelt in front of them. "Today we're having a special recess." She pointed to a shaded picnic area. "Free ice crème and pizza over there if you would like some, also we have different activities going on like pogo stick races, popping balloons with your butt, and even a dunk tank! Are you guys okay to adventure by yourselves now?" Two blonde heads nodded in unison. "Good. I'm Ms. Adams if you need anything I'll be over there." She pointed to where the dunk tank was before heading off in that direction. _

_Glen abandoned her for Pizza and ice cream, she wasn't all that hungry and decided to walk around. The playground was noisy from all the extra events going on, she walked away from all the games instead of to them, uncomfortable with all the stranger kids. She felt lost and alone as she kept walking. Looking back, she saw Glen talking to two other boys and felt jealous. Glen was always the more outspoken of the two while she was more quiet and shy._

"_Are you lost?" Startled, she looked away from her brother and met the gaze of a little girl sitting on top of the monkey bars. "The fun and free yummy pizza is the other way. Oh, and if you're extra good an ice cream cone." She finished, her voice soaked in sarcasm._

"_Why aren't you over there?" _

"_Cuz the bitch- I mean the teacher hates me and I hate her back. Besides, if I wanted 'fun and free yummy pizza' I'd have my Daddy rent out an amusement park and the Dominos down the street."_

_Her blue eyes widened in amazement. "He can do that?!"_

"_He's done it before." The little girl with long curly hair boasted. "With a water park."_

"_Wow! So you didn't have to wait in any lines?" _

"_Nope. It was just me and my Daddy."_

_Her brow furrowed in confusion. "You're best friends didn't go?" _

"_My Daddy is my best friend and he's the only one I need." She snorted. "Everyone here is stupid and, and ugly." Spencer's eyes sharply dropped down, hurt from the young brunette's words. She wasn't used to being called names and the girl did say everyone. She was part of everyone in her young mind."Well..your not ugly." She looked back up into her face. "I don't really know you. Who are you anyway?" _

"_I'm new." _

_The girl grinned. "Hi New, my name is Ashley. Nice to meet you."_

"_No," Spencer giggled. "I'm new but my name is Spencer." _

"_That's a boys name." She mused with interest. _

_Spencer knew someone would question her about her name and was mentally prepared for it. "I was supposedta be a boy."_

"_What happened?" The brunette curiously asked, slightly leaning forward to hear every word. _

"_The doctors were wrong cuz they said my Mommy was going to have two boys but she only had one and then me, but she only changed my middle name cuz her Daddy was named Spencer."_

"_What's you're middle name?" _

"_Jenny." She answered without missing a beat. _

"_Spencer Jenny, I'm going to call you Spenny." _

"_Why?" She giggled at the funny name. _

"_Cuz it's cute like you." _

"_Kay." The blonde agreed liking the name. "Do we shake hands now?" _

"_If you want to." Ashley answered smiling at the little blonde on the ground. "Come up here." _

"_No way!"_

"_Why not?" _

_Spencer looked at the height of the monkey bars and shook her head from side to side. "I'm scared I might get hurt." _

"_Then I'll kiss your booboo and make it all better." Ashley stood up and began walking across the monkey bars. She reached the end and climbed down. _

_Spencer watched as she approached her, with the sun out of her eyes, she got a better look at Ashley. She had natural brown curly hair that was impossible to duplicate and the cutest little nose she had ever seen. Her eyes were brown and her hand soft, gentle as it took hers. "What are you doing?" She inquired smiling as Ashley led her walking backwards. _

"_I want you to sit with me."_

_Spencer frowned as they stopped at the monkey bars. "Up there?" She asked staring up at the top. _

_  
"Yep." She looked at Ashley. "First you need to-"  
_

"_I might fall!"_

"_You won't fall. I promise." _

"_Kay." Spencer gave in and did everything Ashley told her to. Two minutes later, she was sitting on one of the middle bars scared to death. "Are..are you sure I won't fall?" She asked as Ashley took a seat on the bar in front of her. _

"_Sooooooo?" She asked non-nonchalantly. "Your only going to be breaking your ankle or neck." she grinned. _

"_That's not funny!" Spencer exclaimed playfully glaring. _

_She shrugged. "I'm a snotty brat."_

"_Well let me wipe your nose." Fear forgotten, she leaned over and pinched Ashley's nose. "There," She said releasing it as the brunette laughed. "Are you going to be nice now?" _

"_Now and always." Her laughter slowly came to a stop. "You're too sweet to be mean to."_

"_So are you." _

_Ashley looked down shaking her head. "Tell that to the nuns at my old school." _

"_What's a nuns?" She asked curiously. _

"_Old bitches." Ashley answered frowning at the memories as she picked at something on her jean shorts. _

_Spencer studied the girl in front of her feeling a sense of guilt. She knew her mother would be mad if she made friends with someone like Ashley. Someone who said bad words and always got in trouble, but she didn't want to leave the curly haired girl. She liked her. "Don't be sad." She took one of her hands and held it tight. "You're too pretty to look sad." She used the words everyone back home told her when she was sad, but they weren't just words. She meant it. Ashley was too pretty to be frowning._

"_I'm not sad, just mad." Brown eyes looked up at her, a smile gracing the brunette's lips. "But not anymore."_

"_Good." Spencer released Ashley's hand and placed it back on the silver bar, holding it with a tight grip. "Cuz I never want to see you like that again." After a second of silence she opened her mouth again. "Are we friends now? I know you said your Daddy is the only one you need but I really want to be your friend and have sleep overs and go to the park cuz my Daddy used to take me and my other friends back home but I'll never see them again and I really like you."_

"_I don't know." She hesitated. "I might be too bad for you." _

"_No you're not!" She argued knowing deep down inside she was right. Ashley was the complete opposite of her friends back home, but somehow she was drawn to it. Drawn to her. _

"_Davies!" A woman's voice called out. Spencer turned her head and noticed Ms. Adams only a few feet away from them. "Why do I have to keep telling you the Monkey bars are for climbing across not climbing on and sitting?!"_

"_Cuz I never listen when you say stuff to me." She smugly replied. _

_The teacher's frown deepened. "Go stand against the wall for the remainder of recess." She looked at Spencer and her eyes softened. "You can go and play with the other kids."_

"_I...I don't want to." She replied looking at Ashley and then back at the teacher. "I broke the rule too so I'm going with Ashley."_

_Ms. Adams sighed not knowing what to think as she stared into the girl's innocent blue eyes. "Okay, Spencer. You can go learn your lesson with Ashley and stand against the wall." She looked at Ashley. "You're mother will be receiving another phone call from me, young missy."_

_Ashley rolled her eyes and focused her attention on the little blonde in front of her. "I'll help you get back down so you won't break anything." Once on the ground, Ashley took her hand and linked their fingers together. Spencer glanced over at her smiling._

_They were going to be friends._

"Fuckers need to stop staring." The brunette mumbled rousing Spencer from her thoughts. The blonde pulled away and looked into her face. Her eyes were softer, the anger drained from them and replaced with exhaustion. Ashley reached up and gently touched her cheek with the back of her fingers, brushing away the remaining tears. "I didn't mean to do that." She leaned forward and lightly brushed her lips against hers. "I'm sorry I made you cry."She whispered leaning her forehead against hers as tears silently fell down her face. "I'm so so sorry, Spenny. For always making you cry."

"It's okay, Ash." She placed a tender kiss to her brow. "I forgive you."

"Why?" She looked at her, confusion pooling in her wet eyes. "You should hate me."

"I..I can never hate you." She laughed bitter sweetly cupping Ashley's cheek as she nuzzled their noses together. "I've tried to, Ash and whenever I convince myself I can't stand the thought of you," She watched her thumb as it traced her lips. "I see you and, and it's so hard to stay away because all I want in that very moment is to see your face and ki-"

"Spencer what are you doing?"

Ashley entangled herself from Spencer at hearing the familiar male voice. The two girls quietly got down from the car suddenly aware of the world around them. The blonde stood nervously in front of Aiden, noticing his gaze on Ashley. "How are you?" He asked quite coldly. "Heroine good this season?"

"Lovely." She answered nonchalantly. "How have the twinkies been treating you?"

Her head snapped over to Ashley and she stared at her in silence. Twinkies. Aiden told her what it meant not too long ago. A hot young gay boy, he defined with a slight groan and then continue to say he wanted a nice twink In his bed. She didn't understand. Did Ashley know about them? Did she know Aiden was gay? "You know, don't you?" She quietly asked as Ashley turned to meet her gaze.

"Whatever." Aiden interrupted gaining Spencer's attention. "Are you ready to go?"

She looked between Ashley and Aiden with so many questions, but decided not to bother. Ashley looked exhausted and she was just as tired. The night was eventful enough. She didn't want to deal with anything else. "Do you need me to drive you home?"

Ashley shook her head. "I'll wait for Glen." She closed the gap between them and softly kissed her lips. "Sweet dreams, Spenny." She murmured pulling away. "Promise you'll be careful." Spencer said before she could walk away. "I promise." Ashley stepped away from her and rolled her eyes at Aiden before heading back to the club.

Spencer watched wanting to go after her but couldn't. If she wanted to leave the club she would have let her drive her home. She leaned back against the Porsche remembering how tired she looked. But Ashley could easily fix exhaustion, she thought sadly. All it took was a hit of whatever was in her pocket.

"What the hell did I walk in on?' Aiden demanded sounding both mad and confused. She looked at him. "And what the hell was that in the club with Erin? You were going to kiss her...? Oh, and since when does Ashley kiss you goodnight like that?"

"Ashley kisses a lot of people like that." She looked away remembering her friend's earlier words. _I act this way with a lot of people. We don't have to be friends. _"As for Erin...." She shrugged. "I think, no, I know I really like her. She's sweet and nice, her eyes, their so beautiful and she's so talented-"

"Do you like Ashley?" Aiden cut her off. She looked at him, the intensity of his gaze intimidating.

"It doesn't matter." She answered softly looking away. "We're just friends."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

_Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run_

The hot sun shinning high above her head beat heavily down on her, the heat would kill anyone else, but she was used to it. Standing in a sports bra and black ADDIDAS shorts, she stood casually in front of her childhood home with a blue phone in hand, a smile planted on her sweat drenched face as she stared down at it. Her cell phone was never too far from her, knowing Erin could text at any moment. She was never disappointed.

_I can't wait for tonight. :)_

Seven days have passed since they last saw each other at Grey's. The blonde often thought about the artist, and from the way Erin texted her, she knew the same could be said for her. Spencer never texted anyone so much in her life, she was doing it regularly throughout the day, sleeping with the phone at her bedside to wish Erin a good morning the second she woke up. Erin in turn started calling at night to wish her a sweet dreams, but it was never a short conversation. They stayed on the phone for hours talking about any and everything that came to mind. She learned a lot about Erin from their pillow talk. Her parents were in the military and it was only her and her older brother Sammy at home a lot of the time. They moved around a lot but were promised L.A. would be their final destination. She started drawing at the young age of three and had her own art studio 10 minutes from the beach, a present from her parents for her 18th birthday. Her brother taught her how to play guitar and Jonica, her neighbor, happened to be looking for a new guitar player for her band. She came out to her parents at the age of 15 and had two decent relationships since then. Sheepishly, she admitted to having a one night stand but felt too dirty afterwards to do it again. She didn't drink or do drugs but being in a band, she was always around it and knew a lot of people who did it. Overall, she found Erin to be charming, sweet, and funny.

_Me too. It's all I've been able to think about. I can't wait to see you. _She texted back and then closed the phone, feeling eyes on her, she turned around and met Aiden's amused gaze. They had just come back from their usual Saturday morning jog. Sweaty and hot, the blonde ignored her friend's stare and headed into the cool air conditioned house. "Are you ever not talking to her?"

She could hear the playfulness in his voice as she opened the refrigerator door, her eyes scanning the contents on the shelves as she answered. "I"m not as bad as you and Justin." She took out a pitcher of cold water and placed it on the Kitchen's island. "Besides I like talking to her, she's funny, smart, creative-"

"Sexy?" He questioned watching her grab a cup out of the dishwasher. "Because right now you could be describing Madison, Sherry, or even…Ashley."

Her eyes focused intently on the water being poured from the pitcher to the glass in her hand. She hadn't heard from the brunette since Grey's and it worried her. She saw Glen every now and then but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't voice her concerns to him. It was always hard talking to him about Ashley. An image of him and her in Junior high passed through her mind's eye. Glen on his crouches and Ashley standing nearby, he popped open his prescription pain medication bottle and handed her a couple - "Fuck!" She placed the pitcher and glass down as water continued to spill all over the floor. Moving to the sink, she grabbed a rag.

Aiden watched her perplexed. "You were looking right at it!"

"Yeah." She dried the floor and counter top before throwing the rag back into the sink. "I do find Erin attractive." She faced Aiden who sat on the island. "I see myself happy with her and that's all that should matter. Who cares what gender she is?"

"Your parents, kids at school, psycho religions people…the list goes on and on."

"Do you have a problem with me dating a girl?" She didn't understand his negativity and didn't like the honesty in his words. Since exchanging phone numbers with Erin, she avoided thinking about the realities of what she was getting herself into. Dating a girl. It scared her, but she wanted to take a chance with Erin. She needed someone else in her life, someone new to take her breath away.

"You're my best friend and I don't want to see you get hurt and deciding to date a girl, it's a big decision to make especially when you hang around with people like Madison who don't hesitate to call someone a nasty ass faggot or a dirty cunt dyke."

"If they're my real friends they'll understand." She took a couple sips from the overfilled glass in her hand. Her eyes stayed on Aiden the entire time and out of nowhere, she thought of Ashley. The brunette knew, that much was obvious, but how long did she know? How did she find out? Her arm slowly descended down as she set the glass on the island. "Tell me about Ashley."

Surprise briefly registered in Aiden's features, it was gone a second later, masked with a taunting smirk. "Lets see, she's a cocaine addicted who-"

"No." She interrupted not in the mood to hear him bad mouth her. His nasty words, she didn't want to believe them, she never did, but somewhere deep inside, she knew it was all true. She was beginning to see a lot of it with her own eyes. "How does she know about us?"

Aiden reached out and grabbed the pitcher. Bringing it up to his lips, he took a few swallows. "She caught me." He simply answered placing the pitcher back down, he looked into her eyes. "I was making out with this gorgeous Latino boy and she caught me." He smiled at the memory. "I had to tell her everything or I'm sure she would have killed me." She stared questionably at him. "She thought I was cheating on you." He explained with a grin. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone that mad."

Spencer was quiet for a moment just taking everything in. "How long has she known?"

"She found out about two weeks after we started 'dating.'"

The answer took her by surprise. For nearly two years, she played along with her and Aiden, never mentioning a word about the falseness of their relationship. The thought bothered her. "Why didn't she say anything?" She didn't expect Aiden to know the answer, but she couldn't stop herself from voicing it.

Aiden brought the pitcher up to his lips again. "Maybe she can relate." He took a couple more swallows. "Her and Glen are basically doing the same thing."

Her eyes bore into Aiden's searching for any trace of a lie in his statement. She waited for him to burst into laughter, or say something stupid like 'You just got Punk'd' but none of that happened. He looked serious. "I..I don't understand." She stuttered from confusion, her head slowly filling with more questions.

A neatly plucked eye brow raised into a sharp arch. "Your brother isn't dating Ashley, but he's not gay." He chuckled. "I asked." His smiled turned noticing the expression on her face. "Did you not know?"

She slowly shook her head from side to side. "How do you know all of this?"

"Glen and I have had the same gym hour since our sophomore year and as a fellow straight guy friend we talk about our women, but I only say the nicest things about you."

"Keep going." She urged trying not to sound too eager, which was difficult. Inside, she yearned to know everything about Glen and Ashley and Aiden seemed to have all the answers.

"Well one day I ask 'what's Ashley like in bed?' and he replies, 'I wouldn't know.' So I think he's fucking with me because Ashley is just the type to be fucking her boyfriend so I say 'Cut the shit, Carlin we all know she puts out.' He laughs and says 'Believe me I've tried, but she won't give in and who gives a fuck about her anyway? I've had better' so I'm confused at this point and I ask if they're dating and he says 'I don't believe in dating, Dude. I just want sex.' So we high five because that's all I care about too and move on to talking about sports and cars."

_Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run_

Spencer grabbed the phone and looked down at the small screen. _Our movie starts at 7. Would it be alright if I came by around 6? _Her eyes scanned the small sentence more than 5 times in an attempt to understand the message. She was having a hard time focusing on anything other than her racing thoughts. Ashley and Glen.....she didn't understand. If they weren't together than why were they always around each other? Why would Glen constantly bring her to the house? Why would she let him borrow her car? They were always out in public together, always hung around each other at school, if they weren't dating then why were they so close? She texted Erin back an okay then her address. "I'm going to shower and take a nap." Closing the phone, she looked at Aiden. "I can feel a headache coming on."

"Okay." The tall boy hopped off the counter top. "Give me a hug." She did. "Have fun on your date." He pulled away and Spencer walked him to the door. She leaned heavily against it once he left, her forehead hovering above the peep hole. She basked in the silence of the house. Not even King, their German shepherd, made a sound. The phone was still in her hand. She looked down at it and flipped the keyboard out. Her eyes scanned the contents of her address book. Ashley. It was second on her list. She selected the name. _What are you up to? _She sent the message and closed the phone along with her eyes.

_I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing, holding on to what I'm feeling, savoring this heart that's healing _

A sad smile tugged at her lips. She couldn't remember the last time she called or texted Ashley. The ring tone she had set for her was forgotten until now, and the lyrics were....too much. What was I thinking? She internally questioned. The answer soon followed. I was thinking I couldn't stop thinking about her whenever I heard this song. Blue eyes fluttered open. _I was sleeping....is something wrong?_

_Sorry. I forgot how early it was. I'll let you get back to sleep. _She quickly sent the message and felt stupid for bothering the brunette in the first place. She's not Erin, her mind reminded, you can't just talk to her whenever you feel like it. Hearing the ring tone, she stopped thinking and looked down, not expecting Ashley to answer back.

_I'm up now. Are you okay?_

Always looking out for me, she thought as her fingers moved across the keypad. _I'm fine. Go back to sleep. _Spencer moved away from the door and headed to her bedroom. Grabbing clothes from the white dresser, she padded down the hallway to the bathroom.

The light sheen of sweat disappeared almost immediately upon stepping under the shower head. A content sigh escaped her lips as she relaxed under the warmth of the water, her mind on Ashley. She could easily picture the brunette exploding at Aiden for 'cheating' on her. The thought brought a smile to her face. She would easily do the same if Glen ever- They weren't dating. They never dated. Glen just wanted sex, but they weren't doing that either. Thinking back, she couldn't recall Ashley ever saying anything about them dating, but then again, she was never with anyone else. Spencer grabbed the loofa hanging from the shower head and began washing her body, forgetting about Ashley and her brother.

After washing her hair, she turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. After drying her body, she put on a simple white T-shirt and black cotton short shorts. Staring into the mirror, she began drying her hair with the blow dryer, running a brush through the long strands of blonde with her other hand as she hummed along to the music playing- Music? She turned off the blow drier and listened.

_I'm checkin' you so hard (so hard)_

_Wonder if you know you're on my radar (on my radar)_

_On my radar (on my radar)_

_And yep I notice you_

_I know it's you I'm choosin'_

_Don't wanna lose you_

_You're on my radar_

Britney Spears? She left the bathroom and followed the music to her bedroom where it played moderately loud from the Zune dock near the window. She stepped into the purple walled room and then stopped noticing the figure on the bed. Ashley sat cross-legged leaning back against the headboard as she flipped through a magazine dressed in a black woman's tank top and jean shorts. "The rocker's counting the seconds until she gets to see you." Her eyes looked up from the magazine. "And you listen to a lot of Britney."

She noticed her cell phone on the bed with Ashley and ran a hand through her hair, trying to keep up with everything without having a panic attack. A lot of every emotion was running through her, she didn't know what she was more, but the confusion was obvious. Her eyes moved back to brown, to the person responsible for the vicious whirlpool in her head, and she couldn't help but wonder, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to check on you."

"I told you I was fine."

The curtness in her voice took the brunette by surprise, but it was only apparent for a moment, and then it was gone. Replaced with an unreadable expression. "And I thought you were full of shit." She dropped the magazine, forgetting it completely. Spencer had Ashley's full attention. "You send me a text message at 7 AM this morning without even realizing it. Is it a date with the rocker that has you so...distracted?"

_No, It's you. _"How do you know who my date is?" She questioned wanting so many more answers but not knowing where to start. If she even should start. Ashley played along with her and Aiden, why not do the same for her? Why not pretend she didn't give a damn about her life, when really, it was eating at her to know everything about the stranger on her bed. Who was Ashley Davies? And why did she seem to know everything about her life without her even realizing it?

"I caught the show and then the after party." She explained, her voice casual. "You were kissing her as I was leaving." She grabbed the phone and tossed it to her. "I assumed it was Aiden texting you but I was wrong. It was the rocker from Grey's, right?" She nodded, the pounding in her head making its presence known. "You're gorgeous and perfect there's no reason for you to be nervous." She reached out for the magazine and stared down at it. "She'll love you like everyone else in your life."

The blonde studied her watching as she casually flipped through each page, her eyes scanning the words without a care in the world. She looked content, focused on nothing more than the magazine in her hand, it angered her. Here she stood, with a headache, staring at the reason for it, who couldn't be more comfortable relaxing on her bed. "Are you always this calm before a date?" She asked flatly watching the brunette look up from the magazine, confusion painting her pretty face.

"I don't-"

"Date, you just have sex, right?" She continued before the brunette had a chance to open her mouth. "Everyone but my brother, I hear and it's so funny because all these years I thought you two were fucking like crazy but I've been so wrong, haven't I?" She hesitated before nodding slowly the puzzlement on her face growing deeper. "God," Spencer gasped angry as the pain inside her head intensified. "And not once could you tell...were you ever going to tell me you weren't fucking my brother?!"

"Why does it mean so much to you?" Ashley softly asked her brown eyes examining her with concern.

"Don't ask me that." Spencer walked across the room to where the Zune dock sat near an open window. She didn't remember opening it, Ashley must have. She was good at sneaking into her room. She looked down noticing how hard it was to climb up the house to her window, but she figured Ashley had it mastered. All those years of sneaking out her own window must have made climbing up her house a breeze.

"I'm sorry." Ashley's arms wrapped around her from behind as she spoke softly into her ear, sending shivers down her spine. "I never planned on telling you. I didn't think it was a big deal if you thought I was seeing him or not. Apparently I was wrong." She leaned back into her, her blue eyes staring at two small children playing in the yard across the street. "Why am I wrong?"

The music softly playing in the background did little to ease the intensified pounding in her head. The simple headache she had earlier was turning into a painful migraine. She focused on the arms wrapped around her body, finding comfort in the warm body holding her. "You left me for him." Her jaw seemed numb as she spoke, the words spilling from her lips. "And no matter how hard I try to get you back, you never stay with me." Her voice was distant as she watched the little girl and boy play tag. She was having a hard time seeing them with the flashes of white crossing over her eyes.

"You're slurring your words." She could barely make out the voice in her ear through the pounding in her head, she felt dizzy, and the light was too much, she closed her eyes and didn't feel the tears run down her face. "Lets get you to bed." Her footsteps were numb but she felt the comfort of melting into the soft mattress of her bed. Surrounded by warm blankets and silk covered pillows, her fingers immediately went up to her temples, rubbing as a desperate attempt to ease the pain. "Sit up, Spenny. I have your medicine, just open your mouth for me." She felt two small pills placed on her tongue followed by a glass rim to her lips. She drank the pills down with water and realized the music gone. She opened her eyes. The room was dark, the window covered with a dark curtain. White flashes continued to taint her vision as her heart pounded fearfully in her chest. "Ashley?"

"I'm right here." A voice answered from beside her. She turned to the brunette and collapsed into her arms, sobbing from the unbearable pain in her head. Her mother was usually around when she had an attack. Migraines. They plagued her childhood. She had her first one at six and continued having them from then on. The doctors weren't sure why they happened to her at such a young age but reassured them it wasn't anything life threatening. The medicine helped but made her drowsy and somewhat delirious. One pill was for the migraine itself, the other an anti anxiety to ease her panic.

"Don't leave!" She pleaded between her tears holding hard onto the brunette to keep her from moving.

"I'm not going anywhere." She reached down and massaged her scalp with loving fingers. "I'm staying here with you." Her fingers moved down to stoke her damp face. "Isn't that what you always wanted?" There was a bit of sadness in her voice. "Calm down, you're okay. Just breathe, you're going be okay." The caring words along with the medicine and her gentle touch slowly relaxed her body. Each attack always left her exhausted and too weak to do anything more than breathe. Feeling one hand stroke her hair and the other rub her back, she snuggled deeper into Ashley's embrace and drifted off to sleep.

**The rubber end of the pencil tickled the soft skin of her jaw as she stared down at the blank piece of paper. A book report due in a couple of weeks was her main focus. She wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Unconsciously the eraser made its way into her mouth, she lightly chewed on it thinking of ways to start the assignment. Being 13 years old in the 7****th**** grade, she wanted to impress the teacher with words that made her sound more mature.**

**A knock at the locked door broke her concentration. "Yeah?" She called out from the other side of the room, her eyes never leaving the paper. She assumed it was her mother and didn't bother getting up. The older woman took a day off from the hospital, to her dismay. She normally enjoyed having her mother around but not recently. They were fighting a lot more for no good reason, Aiden being the focus of their recent argument. Her mother thought they were having sex, which wasn't the case at all. All her time spent with the tall boy was usually basketball related. **

"**Can I come in?"**

**She glanced up from the paper, her gaze landing on the locked door. The voice didn't belong to her mother and for some strange reason she wished it did. Getting up from the computer desk, she unlocked and opened the door. Once upon a time the sight that greeted her brought excitement to her day. Now, she wasn't sure what it brought. Staring into familiar chocolate eyes, she didn't know how she felt. "What's up?"**

**The curly haired teen entered through the door, taking a seat at the edge of the bed, her hands fidgeting, the first words out of her mouth being, "Where's Glen?"**

**The eagerness was clearly evident in her tone. Spencer closed the door, her mood turning sour, and then faced her. "He went to the store with my Dad. I don't know when they'll be back." She walked to the computer desk near the window and took a seat. Staring down at the paper, she ignored the other girl's presence. **_**You can leave now. **_**Her mind internally screamed at the brunette. **_**You're boyfriend's not home.**_

"**Oh." The room was quiet for a moment before she spoke again. "What are you doing?"**

"**Book report." She simply answered hiding all the frustration she felt. **_**You don't care what I'm doing. All you care about is Glen.**_** Every time Ashley came over it was to see her brother. She was getting sick of it. He could barely do anything with his broken leg!! She didn't understand what she saw in him.**

"**That's not due for another two weeks. Why are you starting so early?" Her answer was a meager shrug as she picked up the sharpened number 2 pencil. "Do you really have nothing better to do?"**

**She turned in her chair facing the brunette, book report forgotten. She wasn't going to get much work done. The questions were going to keep coming until she gave her her full attention and ignored whatever else she was doing. It wouldn't be the first time, she thought as her eyes settled on the girl lying on her bed staring at her with amusement. "Well lets do whatever you and Glen are always doing."**

**Ashley rolled onto her back staring at the ceiling as small giggles escaped her. "You don't want to do what me and Glen do."**

**Images of him and Ashley making out passed through her mind, she angrily pushed them away. "Why not?" She demanded feeling left out. Whenever the brunette slept over, she'd wake up in the middle of the night and leave her room. Spencer was always awake, watching as she snuck out to be with Glen. She'd then turn over and fall asleep, angry at the face she woke up to the next morning.**

**Ashley sat up and threw a pillow at her. "Because it's not your thing." **

"**It might be my thing." The blonde caught the pillow and then threw it back.**

**Ashley grinned as the pillow fell onto her lap. "Pillow fights are your thing."**

"**You think I'm just some little kid, don't you!" She accused standing from her seat. "Well I'm not." She added before the brunette got a word in, from the look on her face, she could tell her friend was stifling more giggles. "In fact, Aiden and I are sneaking into a rated R movie this Friday." That wiped the smile off her face. Ashley hated Aiden, bad mouthing him every chance she got, Spencer didn't understand where the anger came from, he was a sweet boy, but she assumed Ashley didn't like any boy whose name didn't start with G and end with N and have LE in between. Her anger internally flared up again, but she didn't show any of it. "Do you want to come with us?" She asked already knowing the answer. **

"**No thanks." She fell back onto the pile of pillows, her eyes returning to the ceiling. Counting the thousands of glow in the dark stars, Spencer assumed. "He's such a fucking moron. How do you put up with him?"**

**The blonde climbed onto the bed and settled next her friend. Turned on her side, she stared at her but avoided brushing against her in anyway. Her body was beginning to act funny when ever they got too close. A simple hug would make her feel all weird inside. She lowered her gaze to her lips and felt the all too familiar urge to kiss them. Her eyes moved back up and she pushed the thought away, hating the fact that she felt that way in the first place. "He's nice and sweet and funny. He makes me laugh so-"**

"**Are you going to fuck him?" The question was asked darkly a trace of anger lacing her tone, her face emotionless. **

"**I'm not sure." She didn't have those kind of feeling for Aiden, but she was only thirteen. Maybe she'd feel like that later on, but not now. She didn't want to be like the other girls in her grade. Losing their virginity to 14 year old boys, she wasn't ready to be anything like that. To be sexual. "Maybe when we're married." She naively gave the first answer that made the most sense to her. **

**The brunette turned her head and their gazes collided. "You're already planning a fucking wedding?" The blonde didn't have a chance to respond before she continued. "Geez, I hope you're kids don't end up half as stupid as he is." **

"**He's not stupid." The blonde calmly defended. "He makes straight A's."**

**Ashley chuckled sarcastically. "Is that what turns you on?"**

**Aiden turn her on? The thought was ridiculous, the whole conversation was ridiculous, she didn't even like him like that! But she didn't know how to answer any of these questions and by the look of Ashley's eyes she could tell her friend was fuming. But why? If anyone should be angry it should be her! **_**And what does Glen do to turn you on? **_**Her mind harshly shot back. "Why are you asking me all these questions?"**

"**You're not a little kid, you can take it, right? Besides, you're practically engaged to the school's biggest tool. Are you going to blow him during the movie tomorrow?"**

"**And what if I do?" She spat becoming increasingly frustrated. Ashley's bad attitude was becoming contagious, her anger rubbing off on her. "At least Aiden cares enough to come see me for me and not my brother!"**

**Ashley sharply looked down the words striking her like an open palm to the face. Silence soon filled the air around them, the blonde wondered what was running through her friend's mind as she did nothing but stare at the pink checkered print of her covers. "I don't come here to see him." She finally spoke looking up at her. **

**She was full of shit as far as Spencer was concerned. "Right. That's why you sneak out in the middle of the night when you think I'm sleeping. To not see my brother. And that's why you always seem distracted when we hang out because you're thinking of me and not him." The blonde moved off the bed, the sight of Ashley's lying face making her sick. Taking a seat at her desk, she stared back down at the blank paper. "I have to finish my book report. You can go wait for Glen in his room." She grabbed the yellow pencil and stared up as it was taken away from her. Ashley threw it over her shoulder and turned the chair to face her, her tanned hands holding each of the arm rests. "You mean so much more to me than he does." Spencer stared at her in silence, every muscle in her body taunt as the brunette slightly smirked, her face barely moving, but moving just enough, closing in her, she could feel her breath tickle her skin and felt her heart leap into her throat. "Let me show you," The cordless phone on the desk began ringing, Ashley looked up at it, moving completely away from her as she read the name of the caller. "Your husband on line one." She moved to the window as Spencer answered the phone, her hands a bit shaky as she kept her eyes on Ashley.**

**The brunette stared out the pane glass with a blank expression on her face. She often saw it, more and more with each passing day. One minute she had Ashley's full attention, and then the next, she was gone, taken to a place only her mother's valium could take her. She was stealing them every chance she got, and always getting in trouble for it. Her eyes stared hard as she agreed to whatever Aiden was saying, looking for any trace of the large scratch marking her friend's cheek. It was from one of Christine's many rings as she slapped her violently across the face. 'I didn't feel a thing' the brunette reassured a few days later, but that didn't stop her from crying. She cried hard, not just for Ashley, but for her Dad, the one person who could keep a smile on her face. She cried for them both and then later on, in privacy of her dark room, she cried for herself.**

"**I'm getting out of here." Ashley turned away from the window and faced her. The blonde immediately got up, phone forgotten, she was oblivious to Aiden's voice as she hugged her friend goodbye. Holding onto her tight, her eyes peered out the window and she caught sight of her father's car, moving her gaze a little to the left, she saw Glen standing outside on his crouches. Ashley's departure made a lot more sense now. **

**She had to leave her to be with him.**

In and out, in and out, the two words repeatedly played in her head as she slowly regained consciousness. Eyes closed, her brow furrowed wondering why those two words were there in first place. Ashley's soft breathing. Two things became apparent as she became more awake. One, the brunette had an adorable barely audible soft snore, and two, she was practically sleeping on top of her. What is she doing here? She internally questioned recalling her last memory. The last thing she remembered was finding Ashley on the bed with a magazine,and the two little kids playing in the yard, everything else was gone. It wasn't abnormal for her to forget the last few moments of a painful migraine before she fell asleep.

Spencer opened her eyes and was met with darkness, making it a lot easier for her groggy eyes to adjust to being awake. They examined the closed curtain, noting the only light in the room coming from the other side of them. Music played softly from the Zune dock, Britney Spears. She smiled as she listened to the 10 year old song. As little girls Ashley and her were Britney fanatics and knew all the songs by heart after owning the 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' album for only a couple days. Ashley's father even got them back stage tickets to her concert where they briefly met the Popstar in her dressing room. The little blonde was in awe the entire time, thankful for the picture the three of them took together. It was proof the encounter was real and not just a dream, back then, it seemed Ashley made all her dreams come true.

Spencer turned slightly in the brunette's arms and peered down at her smooth sleeping face. She looked so young and innocent, a peaceful expression painting her features, one she rarely saw outside the confines of her bedroom. Ashley was so incredibly gorgeous, she thought watching her sleep, the closeness of their bodies giving her a glimpse of what they could have had if things were different. If she never thought Ashley was with her brother, and if Ashley never thought she was with Aiden, if the drugs weren't there and Raife was still alive, this is where they'd be. In each other's arms. "You're my new dream," She whispered to the sleeping girl. "and I never want to wake up." Leaning down, lost in her emotions and thoughts, she brushed her lips softly against the brunette's, so soft, she thought pulling away.

_Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run_

Startled, she nearly jumped off the brunette and scrambled in a panic to put distance between them. The call was like a bucket of ice water poured over her head and she felt incredibly foolish as she searched for her cell phone. The ringtone tone led her to the floor where she leaned over the side of the bed and retrieved it. "Hello?" She asked into the rumor 2, her heart hammering against her ribcage as she heard the brunette stir behind her. Her eyes stayed up on the ceiling as she listened to Erin. "Okay, yeah, that's fine. I can' t wait to see you too. Uh huh, yes, yeah, oh um nothing interesting but um I have to let you go I'm just in the middle of some school stuff I have to get done. Yeah, mmhmm, I'll see you later. Bye." She pulled the phone away from her ear, took a quick glance at the time, and then placed it on the end table.

"Lying before a date with the Rocker?" A sleepy voice asked from behind. "Please tell me it's at least the second or third."

"It's the first." She moved next to Ashley and lied on her side facing her. "Would it make it alright if it were the second or third?"

The brunette was on her stomach, her head turned in her direction, their eyes locked in the darkness of the room. "Who cares as long as she never finds out." She rolled over onto her back and stretched her arms and legs out. "You could have asked me to leave if you needed alone time with your Romeo." She sat up against the headboard. "It would have saved you the trouble of having to lie in the first place."

"Do you think you're the reason I lied?" She curiously asked watching the brunette draw her knees to her chest and wrap her arms around them.

"No." She simply answered. "I know that's why you lied."

The confidence in the other girl's tone had her enthralled. Ashley truly believed she knew everything, didn't she? The blonde gave into her temptation to find out. "Okay, and why would I lie to her about you?"

The question was asked almost playfully as if they were playing a game. A small made its way onto Ashley's lips. "She probably asked you something along the lines of, 'What are you doing?' and of course you couldn't tell her the truth."

"And what's the truth?"

"You spent most of the day asleep in my arms." She reached out and ran her fingers through her hair. Gazing into chocolate eyes hidden in the dark, feeling her touch, she blushed at the memory of stealing a kiss from Ashley. Bad way to start a first date, her mind grimly noted. "How are you feeling?"

"A lot better." Her fingers ran through her bangs brushing them out of her face before moving to her face. "How bad was I?" The tenderness in her friend's touch was a reflection of her emotions. She must have been really worried about me, she thought as the gentle caresses continued.

"It's the worst I've ever seen you." The fear was easily recognized in her tone. Spencer could only imagine what she felt watching her in such pain.

The hand dropped from her face as she leaned over and kissed her cheek, her lips brushing down the skin until she pulled back. "I'm fine now." A tender smile reached her lips. "You took good care of me. Thank you for everything, especially sticking around to let me thank you."

"Yeah because it was a such pain in the ass thing to do." Sarcasm soaked her voice as the brunette ran a hand through her hair. Spencer had trouble making out her face in the dark but felt her eyes as they bore into hers. "Do you really think I could just leave you?"

"After what happened last time you slept over…" The kiss came to mind followed by Ashley's eagerness to get the hell out of her room. "It wouldn't surprise me if you did."

"That silly little kiss wouldn't be the reason I leave you." The words were hushed as the brunette moved closer to her. Holding her breath, Spencer watched Ashley's face as it neared hers feeling her fists clench around the bed sheets as her head tilted slightly to the side. "It'd be the reason I stay."

"You kissed Glen." She whispered her eyes half hooded now.

Suddenly, a warm palm cupped her face, a gentle thumb stroking her skin as Ashley gazed into her eyes. The quiet brunette seemed to be contemplating something, it was as if she was struggling with her words. "I tell him to act that way in front of you to keep you away from me."

"Always looking out for me…" She murmured leaning forward, painfully slow, until she felt soft lips. She moved onto her back, Ashley's body covering hers as the kiss deepened. Her arms came up and wrapped themselves around the brunette's neck, her fingers playing in the soft ringlets of curls as she drew her closer, wanting to feel as much of her as possible. She opened her mouth and invited the brunette in, moaning as a soft tongue explored, tasted, and caressed, she was slowly drowning, losing herself.

Blue eyes opened, her face flushed, lips parted, a faint whimper escaped them as Ashley kissed down her neck, sucking lightly on her tender flesh. She moved her hands down, stroking her back-

_Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run_

Ashley lifted her head and stared incredulously down at her. "Does she ever leave you the fuck alone?" She whispered raggedly reaching over to grab the phone from the end table. She rolled off her and settled on her back, reading the text message out loud. "If you're too busy with your school stuff we can always reschedule. What do you think?" She flipped out the keyboard and began typing away. "I'm done with my project and I'm lying here in bed thinking of you and the wonderful time we're going to have." She sent the message and dropped the phone between their bodies.

Ashley moved off the bed and crossed the room to the window. She opened the dark curtain, the brightness temporarily harsh on her eyes, it took a moment to adjust, and when they did, Ashley filled her vision. Her face emotionless, body language casual, nothing seemed to be bothering her. "I have to go." She stared questionably at her as she moved to where she sat on the bed. "I have to be somewhere in about an hour."

Spencer got up and hugged the brunette, holding her, she didn't want to let go. "Where?" She curiously asked as they broke apart.

"Don't ask me that." Ashley answered walking backwards to the door. "Have fun on your date." She said reaching out for the doorknob. Her eyes followed her out the door, Spencer fell back onto the bed, smiling against the mattress as she heard, 'Don't think of me!' being yelled from the hallway.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 (A)

"So how lucky is Erin getting tonight?"

Her eyes stayed locked on the body mirror as she twirled around examining her outfit. She wore an aqua colored cami with matching necklaces hanging loosely around her neck and tight blue jeans. "I'm not sure."

A dramatic sigh snapped her out of another daze. "I can hear it in your voice, Doll. You're barely listening to a word I'm saying and just saying whatever to shut me up. What's the deal? Are you nervous?"

She walked out of the closet and took a seat on the edge of the bed, running a hand through her newly fixed hair. "I'm not nervous." Blue eyes landed on the dresser mirror, fixated on the small picture of her and Ashley. "Erin doesn't make me nervous, its just...something else." The last part was sighed as she fell back onto the bed. "Aiden, is this a good idea?" She asked into the expensive cell phone in her hand needing someone else's opinion.

"Is there a reason for you to think otherwise?"

A couple, no. Just one, she thought closing her eyes. Everything she did seemed to be contradicting itself. Nothing made sense anymore, and what was making sense, confused the hell out of her. "Ashley came over after you left." She softly confessed for no reason at all or maybe that was her way of answering him.

"Did you guys get into another fight? Is that why you're acting so weird?"

"No, we didn't fight." At least, she didn't think they did. The moments before her migraine episode was blurry, but what made her so weird wasn't the thought of them fighting. It was the complete opposite. How sweet she acted, how she ran her fingers through her hair and kissed her, cursing when an interruption broke them apart.

"She's no good for you regardless. You just need to ignore her existence and move on. Make Madison your girl BFF if you really need one."

"I can't just forget her." She stated quietly knowing no matter how hard she tried, Ashley would always be there.

"She's not a good a friend, not your family, and not your lover. Why can't you tell her to go fuck herself and move on?"

Frustration slowly filled his tone. She understood where it came from, understood why he felt the way he did about Ashley, and he was right. She was bad for her. "I love her." And that's what kept her from saying what she had every right to tell the brunette. To go fuck herself. The problem was, she didn't want her to go away, if anything, she wanted her constantly. In her presence, there at her side, on the bed-

"That wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't one sided but we both know she's a selfish cunt who only gives a damn about drugs."

"She loves me back."

"Did she tell you that lie?" The disgust was evident in his tone.

"She doesn't have to say a word."

A moment of silence passed before he said anything else. "Phoenix, this love...this love you keep mentioning between you and Ashley, its like our love right? Just a friendship love type thing, right?"

It was something strange and confusing, soft one moment and then hard another, blissful before it hurt- it was a love type thing. Something close, but far, affectionate and then distant...."Yeah." She heard a car outside the house. "We're just friends. Nothing else."

"Good, because you can't start seeing someone while in love with someone else. It's just...not a good idea."

"I know." Sitting up, she got off the bed and walked to the window, ignoring the fact she didn't deny being in love with her. "I have to go. Erin's here."

Aiden's words echoed through her head as she walked down the staircase. It wasn't a good idea to go on a date with Erin when Ashley occupied so much of her thoughts, but she was the one who texted her, telling her another lie. _I'm lying here in bed thinking of you and the wonderful time we're going to have. _The message couldn't have been farther from the truth. She was lying in bed looking forward to canceling so she could spend the rest of the day with her....but she had other plans.

_Don't think of me! _How could she ignore her after spending hours asleep in her arms? Only to wake up and have her hovering above her, kissing her... how could Ashley take her phone and push her into going on the date? It obviously meant nothing to the brunette. Not a thing.

Maybe her feelings were one sided, she wanted to be on the other side.

The side that didn't give a fuck.

Lost in her thoughts, her arm reached and she grasped the door knob, opening the front door before her date had a chance to knock. She felt the blush paint her face as her eyes met green, only intensifying the red. "Hey." She greeted smiling to mask her embarrassment. Her eyes briefly scanned the other girl's body and she had to admit the girl looked good. Her ebony bangs stylishly fell across her forehead as the rest of her long, wild hair loosely cascaded over her broad shoulders and back, the tips of the dark mane dyed blonde. She wore a colorful Beatles T shirt over a tight pair of black Levi jeans with holes at the knees and checkered van slip-ons on her feet.

"You look great." Erin complimented noticing the color of her shirt and the effect they had on her eyes. They intensified the blue into a color you could only find on some rare secret island surrounded by the cleanest, purest, water of the sea. She stopped herself from continuing and smiled a nervous, giddy smile. "I spent the entire week thinking about this moment and now that its here, I can finally give you this." She handed Spencer a CD case.

The blonde looked down smiling at the CD itself. At some point in time it was an ordinary plain white disk, but Erin turned it into something beautiful. The sharpie work done on it was impressive. Skillfully drawn hearts, chocolates, flowers, and music notes cleverly filled the circular canvas. She looked up at her. "You're my first date in forever and I spent a lot of time debating whether I should bring you flowers or maybe chocolate but then I thought, you can't have the chocolate without the flowers, but I didn't want you to think I was cheesy or anything so I decided to burn you a CD." Her green eyes dropped to the disk in her hands. "7 songs. Each expressing what I felt when I thought about you that day."

"I love it." Erin didn't resist when Spencer hugged her, wave after wave of relief washing over her. She returned the hug smiling the entire time. "Thank you. I'm sorry I don't have anything for you." Spencer pulled away feeling a sense of guilt as she gazed into her date's eyes. Erin put a lot of thought into the night and in return she wanted to cancel for someone who didn't even care for her love life. "Would you like to come in for a bit?" Somehow, someway, she'd make it up to her.

"Yeah, sure." She stepped into the house and turned around hearing Spencer close the door behind her. "Do I get to meet the rents, too?"

"Unfortunately." The blonde mocked disappointment. "They're on a cruise."

"Oh, lucky them." She looked around and noticed picture frames hanging on the wall pinned against the staircase. "It must be awesome cruising in the middle of December." She moved closer to the pictures and smiled at the one with two adults posing on the beach with two small children. "You have your Dad's eyes and your Mom's gorgeous looks." She looked at Spencer who was right at her side. "Does she still look anything like that?"

"She managed to keep her figure." Her features turned playful. "Just please no MILF comments. I've heard enough to last a lifetime from my brother's friends."

"I wasn't planning on it." Her face scrunched up. "I'm not really into Moms."

"That makes two of us." Spencer laughed and the sound was music to Erin's ears.

A wide toothy grin shaped her lips. "It must mean we're compatible." She regarded the picture again and looked closely at the two blonde toddlers playing in the sand. One obviously a boy, she assumed it was her brother and found it odd that she never mentioned him, but pushed the thought aside. They've only been talking for a week. It'd be ridiculous to know every detail about her life, but she didn't mind slowly reaching that point. "You were a cute baby by the way."

"Thanks. I'm sure you were too with the dark hair and bright green eyes." The older girl turned and she was once again faced with her good looks. Her eyes lingered and she noticed a tiny freckle just below her eye on the right side of her cheek. "Would you like something to drink?" The slight shift in Erin's demeanor brought the question out her mouth. She could tell the dark haired girl wanted to kiss her, but it didn't feel right. At least not yet.

Erin backed away a little. "Sure. Have anything fizzy and bad for my health?"

She smirked. "One Dr. Pepper coming up."

Erin slowly continued up the staircase looking at the rest of the pictures lining the wall. Spencer's obvious attempt to avoid a kiss wasn't discouraging. She assumed she was her first girl date and knew it would take some time before she became comfortable enough to do anything like that with her. "Thank you." She accepted the cold soda being handed to her. "Do you have a sister?" Her fingers popped open the can as she gestured to the picture with a simple head nod.

Her eyes moved to the wall. The picture brought a good memory to mind. It was one of her and Ashley on Halloween dressed as power rangers. She was pink and the young brunette yellow posing like they were ready to kick some ass. "No." The question was understandable. Ashley was in a few of the pictures around the house. "That's Ashley."

"Oh, the famous Ashley?" Erin smiled at the questioning look on her face. "You mention her a lot when you talk."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." A big white dog came from around the corner and headed up the staircase, stopping at the top. "And who's this young guy?" Erin asked showering the dog with affection.

"He's an old boy." Spencer fondly smiled at the sitting dog as she ran her fingers through his short fur. "Ashley found him about 10 years ago digging through the trash. Her mother wouldn't let her keep it so she brought him over here." She could still see the look on her father's face when he showed up with Ashley at their house holding a small white puppy. 'You in the market for a new little brother, Sunshine? Where are your folks? I gotta convince them to adopt this little guy.' "His name is King after our favorite movie at the time 'The Lion King.'"

"What was Simba taken?" She playfully inquired ruffling the top of the Dog's head.

"Ashley didn't like the name for him." She was done talking about the brunette, the guilt was coming back and she didn't understand why. Staring into Erin's face, she didn't see any signs of jealousy or frustration. "Want to see my room?"

"Sure."

They walked down the hallway in silence. Spencer stepped inside the room first followed by Erin. Green eyes landed on the tallest stack of magazines she'd ever seen. "Wow." She turned to the blonde in awe. "This must have taken years of collecting."

She nodded placing the CD on the dresser. She opened her mouth, about to tell the story behind all the magazine, but quickly shut it. "I love to read them." She shrugged hoping the little lie wouldn't bother her conscious. The truth was Ashley was behind her fascination with the magazines. The young brunette would always come to her house with a new story to tell from something she read in a magazine while shopping at the store with her parents. Spencer loved the stories and started collecting the magazines for her and Ashley to sit in her room and read them together, laughing at every other page. The brunette was good at making fun of celebrities. Plus they were fun to cut up and staple to the wall.

Erin steered away from the magazines and walked over to the Zune dock. "Mind if I take look?"

"Go ahead."

She grabbed the small black Mp3 device and began searching through her library, voicing the music they had in common. She was impressed with all the different Genres especially the foreign music and occasional Opera song. "You listen to a lot of Britney." She mused noticing all of the famous Pop singer's CDs.

"Yeah, I love her." Thanks to Ashley. "We should leave now if we want to catch that movie." She had to get out of the house. Before tonight, she was oblivious to all things Ashley related and thinking of her was becoming tiresome. She had to leave.

Erin placed the Zune back onto the dock and faced her. "I was actually thinking we do something else. I drove by the theatre and it was just too crowded. So many kids from school...it wouldn't be a good place to go."

"Okay." Spencer agreed. "Did you have anywhere else to go in mind?"

The large garage style door to the small warehouse was opened by the Artist. Spencer smiled at her as she walked in holding two subway sandwiches in one hand and her purse in the other. Her eyes took in the new surroundings and she found the open room to be charming. A mattress sat in the far corner of the room, the rest filled with tables of art supplies and many blank and full canvases. "This is really awesome."

"I'm glad you like it." Erin stopped at her side. "We can go eat at that table." She gestured to the only one in the room without anything on its hard top. Grabbing two chairs, the taller girl waited for Spencer to take a seat before gently pushing her in.

"Thank you." The blonde gratefully flashed her a smile and watched as she took the seat across from her. "Who taught you how to be so polite?" She playfully inquired unwrapping her food.

Erin grinned. "Nickelodeon." She chuckled along with the blonde while taking her drink out from the cup holder and handing it to her. She did the same with her drink and popped off the lid deciding to ignore the straw.

The two girls ate in a comfortable silence. It was short lived. Spencer's cell phone rang loudly in her purse; with knit brows. she reached down and retrieved the blue Rumor. "I'm sorry." She told her date relieved when a 'no problems' was her reply. The text message was from Glen. She rolled her eyes and turned off the phone after reading it. "That was just my brother, Glen." She looked up at the dark haired girl. "He's throwing a house party and didn't want me to freak when I got back home."

"You don't look too excited about it." She took in the blonde's features and realized, she looked a lot like the only Glen she knew.

"I don't care." She smiled wanting to ignore the frustration bubbling up inside. Last time her brother threw a house party she was the one left to clean it all up. Not this time, she internally promised. "My parents come back in a couple of days. He's just celebrating what's left of his freedom."

Erin nodded taking a bite out of her sandwich. She watched Spencer do the same and after swallowing voiced her curiosity. "Is your brother Glen Carlin?"

"Yeah." She was fearful and curious at the same time. "Do you know him?" She picked up her ice tea and took a couple a sips, hoping Glen didn't have much to do with her.

"Not really." Erin answered having some more of her drink before continuing. The blonde's answer some what surprised her. Glen was nothing like her. "I see him around a lot at clubs and stuff. Plus he has somewhat of a reputation around school it's strange you two are related. Then again, I'm sure people say the same thing about me and Madison."

She nearly choked on the liquid sliding down her throat. "You and Madison are related?"

"Only by blood." She smiled at the shock on the other girl's face. "My real name is Eleanore Marie Duarte. Madison and I are cousins, but we don't get along. Never have never will."

She thought back to their first encounter. "That explains the drawing." They shared another smile before moving onto the next topic. They talked about kids at school, her last game, Erin's last show, and didn't stop until they finished their meal.

"Want to do some painting?" Erin asked collecting her trash.

Spencer did the same and walked with her to a nearby trash can. "Sure." She looked at her. "Just don't expect me to be good."

"Deal."

Spencer was in awe as she stared at the finished pieces. Erin used a lot of color in her work and it amazed her to be able to tell the mood behind some of them. Like the darker colored ones always sent a sad or angry message. The brighter colored ones usually depicted a happy image, and then there were some that forced her to wonder what was going through the other girl's mind, just way out there, almost trippy, she had fun trying to figure them out. "You're incredible."

Erin stood behind the blonde watching her move from canvas to to canvas, admiring her work. She was touched and the honesty in her compliment brought an appreciative smile to her face. "Thank you." She moved in front of the blonde and gently removed the used canvas from one easel. "Now show me watcha got." She placed the finish piece on a table and grabbed a stool.

Spencer took a seat and accepted the think black brush handed to her. Staring at the empty canvas, she felt Erin's presence behind her and stared up. "I don't know what to do." She confessed gazing into her face.

Erin knelt down until her lips were adjacent to her ear. "Just paint what you feel. Happy, sad. How do you feel right now, Spencer?"

The voice was soft in her ear, the closeness of her body affecting her ability to think straight. She was scared, the brush trembled in her hand, she tightened her grip trying to get it to stop shaking. _Erin doesn't make me nervous._ Her earlier words came to mind and she wanted to laugh at the falseness of them. Fear coursed through her as she felt the eyes on her, watching, waiting, the simple turn of her head was all it took.

Blue eyes closed, Spencer turned her head.

She felt the smoothness of her lips and with a shaky hand reached up and cupped her cheek, feeling the height of her cheek bone against the palm. They kissed slowly, Spencer stood up from the stool and felt the Artist's hands slowly touch her body. They ran up and down her back as she parted her lips. Erin's tongue entered the warmth of her mouth to meet hers, they moved languidly together, deepening the kiss. She clenched her eyes shut tighter, trying to keep Ashley away.

The only thing running through her mind as their lips teased, tasted, and played was how different she was from Ashley. She begged her mind to stop and pushed the thought away moving her hand from the girl's face to her hip and regretted the move. She was reminded how different her body was from the brunette's and felt the tears stinging behind her eyes. This isn't what she wanted. Erin was a great kisser and had a body to die for but it wasn't right. Nothing felt right. "I'm sorry." She broke the kiss and stared into perplexed green eyes. "I'm so so sorry. I..I can't do this. I'm sorry but I..I just can't."

Erin's heart sunk and she felt confused but refused to show any of it to Spencer. The tears slowly falling from her face kept her from doing or saying anything that'll make her feel worse. "Don't be sorry." She forced a smile of reassurance. "It's okay. I understand." Erin placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Lets get you home."

The ride back to her house was quiet. Spencer stared out the window as tears silently rolled down her cheeks. Erin hadn't said a word since leaving the warehouse, She didn't blame her. Her earlier words came to mind and she was thankful for them. She deserved to hear the worst from her mouth but instead, the artist said nothing but kind caring things. I understand. No you don't, Spencer argued in her head. How could you possibly know when I don't have a fucking clue?

The car pulled to a slow stop and her eyes caught sight of the many cars outside her house. The house party. She wanted to cry all over again. The night was miserable and the funny part was, she did it to herself. "I'm sorry." She looked at Erin for the first time since entering the car.

"Don't be." She wasn't angry but the soft smile on her face didn't seem real. "I'm here when you're ready, Spencer."

Having nothing left to lose, she leaned over and hugged her trying to keep from sobbing. Erin was such an amazing person, nice, kind, and caring- why wasn't that enough? Why couldn't she just kiss the girl and enjoy it? Enjoy her and forget..."Thank you." She pulled away and got out of the car.

Wrapping her arms around herself, she walked numbly to the house and didn't give a damn about her appearance. The kids in the yard stared but she didn't care. She deserved the humiliation. Turning the doorknob, she entered the house and leaned back against the door. There were people everywhere, fast techno music blared from their surround sound, she turned head and stared at the dancing bodies in the living room. Her eyes landed on Ashley, she wanted to look away, but stood transfixed.

The brunette danced close to another woman, their hands on each other's body as the blonde whispered in her ear. Ashley's face stayed expressionless as she gazed into the sea of moving bodies, not responding to a word the girl was saying.

Spencer watched Ashley move to the music with the pretty girl feeling angry at herself. Did she really ruin an amazing night with Erin for her? The brunette didn't have any problems forgetting her existence and doing whatever to whoever. There was nothing on her face, just a remote blank look, like her mind was somewhere else, but it wouldn't be on her. She was never on her mind. That much was obvious.

The blonde pulled away from her ear and moved forward to kiss her, but Ashley turned her head, and their eyes met from across the room. Spencer stiffened under her gaze and she all of a sudden cared about her appearance, cared about openly staring at her and the girl, and her peers who surely walked by thinking 'what the fuck is up with her?' She had to get away from there. Away from Ashley's probing gaze. What was she searching for anyway? It didn't matter. Spencer didn't care.

She moved to the stairs and hurried up to her room, thankful to find it empty. She collapsed on the bed but didn't cry.

She was out of tears.

Chapter 10 B

The door to her bedroom slowly opened but she didn't care to turn and greet the intruder. She knew it was Ashley and in her mind wished she'd turn around and go away. A bitter grin shaped her lips. She thought that a lot in one night, but her wish never seemed to come true. Especially on her date when she needed it to happen the most. Of course, Ashley kept coming to mind and she just had to end the date only to find her dear Ashley with another woman in the living room. Yes, she was jealous and had every right to be. "_That silly little kiss wouldn't be the reason I leave you." The words were hushed as the brunette moved closer to her. Holding her breath, Spencer watched Ashley's face as it neared hers feeling her fists clench around the bed sheets as her head tilted slightly to the side. "It'd be the reason I stay."_

Fuck you.

The bed shifted and seconds later she was eye to eye with her. It was just like Ashley to get in her face instead of talk to her back. She wondered what the brunette saw in her eyes, the lights were on, there was no hiding in the dark. Not this time and she didn't want to hide anything. She wanted Ashley to see the misery reflected in her harsh gaze. "What'd she do to you?"

Nothing. Not one fucking thing. Its you. You're the reason I'm like this. "I don't want to talk about it."

Ashley's gaze never faltered as she remained silent. Spencer boldly stared back, her running thoughts adding fuel to the flames, each passing second only making her more angry. "It has nothing to do with her, does it?"

"I'm not talking about it." She curtly repeated turning on her other side. Blue eyes closed and she listened closely to the girl behind her, waiting to hear her get up and leave. It never happened. Instead of running, Ashley moved closer, wrapping her arms around her, she spoke softly into her ear. "Dance with me." Spencer laughed and it was far from joyful. Did Ashley really have no clue? Was she not dropping enough hints? Right now she didn't like the brunette, and here she was, asking her to dance. "Come on, we'll get down like a couple fags on E."

Opening her eyes, she moved on her back and peered up at the brunette. "Is that what you're on?"

Never breaking eye contact, Ashley straddled her hips, a ghost of a smile kissing her lips. Spencer lied silently underneath her wordlessly staring, wondering what she'd do next. "I'm on you." She simply answered. "Now will you dance with me?"

"I'm not in a dancing mood." Her eyes dropped the brunette's gaze and she focused on the hem of her shirt. With one hand she reached out and played with the thin material, her fingers occasionally brushing against the soft skin underneath. "Besides, you already have a hot little blonde to dance with. What do you need me for?" It came out harsher then she intended, but it was hard to mask anything under Ashley's gaze. The closeness of her body was another distraction, it seemed the butterflies in her stomach would never die.

"I'm sorry it hurt you to see me with her and I know it did." She sharply looked up. "But I wasn't going to sit around and do nothing while you and the Rocker..." Ashley trailed off and then continued again, "Hung out." It was all in her voice what she meant by 'hung out' and for some reason she was reminded of the Aiden incident so long ago. She wasn't as blunt but the message was still the same. Ashley thought the worst of what they did together and almost seemed jealous because of it. Spencer didn't know whether to set her mind at ease or let her think she slept with Erin.

She went with the first choice. "I'm not like you." She gently started letting her hand drop from her body. "I can't just hook up with anyone and be okay with it."

"You could have fooled me." The reply was softly spoken with a smile to match.

But Spencer didn't smile back The reason she couldn't hook up with just anyone sat on top of her and it killed her how easy it was to fall for her, for every word she said. Her earlier words came to mind and she stared at Ashley wondering if she really was her dream, or her nightmare. "It's different with you." She confessed quietly staring up at her with an almost pained look in her eyes.

Ashley looked down and this time, it was her hand playing with the hem of her shirt. Up until now, she seemed casual, almost playfully, but there was a noticeable shift in her demeanor. The girl sitting on top of her no longer wanted to dance, she wanted to run far far away and never look back over her shoulder. There were actual emotions playing over her features, and when she looked back up into her eyes, she noticed the fear. "It's different with you too."

The words were spoken quietly. Her eyes searched for any trace of a lie, for something false, but there was nothing. Blue eyes saw nothing but the raw emotion of a scared girl. It spoke three words she needed to hear. "Show me."

Ashley hesitantly leaned forward, Spencer's blue eyes watched her anxiously, expectantly, and kept their gaze locked as she took her face in her hands, her thumb brushing over the single tear running down her cheek. The brunette whispered a thank you as she dipped her head, "No," She paused a hairs breath away from her parted lips, confused. "Tell me." The vulnerability was easily seen on her soft face, time passed, and she was almost afraid Ashley would get up and leave her. But she pulled her closer, whispering with trembling lips, "I love you," before closing the distance between their mouths, and showing her.

The kiss was nothing like anything they'd shared in the past. Spencer wrapped her arms around Ashley's neck, her hand buried in dark curls, the knuckles white from the intense grip. She moved her lips just as hard against Ashley's, swallowing the brunette's whimpers and moans as they released all their pent up emotions, giving into their hunger for each other until their lungs begged for air. Eyes closed, Ashley pulled away another soft moan escaping her as Spencer lightly sucked on her bottom lip. "Look at me." She whispered breathlessly as she brushed the back of her finger's over the softness of her new love's face. Brown eyes opened, the hooded, dark, desire in them sending another wave of arousal through her. "I'm scarred too."

"Don't be." She placed a soft kiss on her lips. "I don't want to hurt you anymore." She kissed her again, "I want to be your first." And again, her lips lingering a second longer before she pulled away, staring deeply into her blue eyes. "And your forever."

She smiled running her fingers through the curly hair she adored as a tear spilled from her eye. Ashley kissed it away forever, pulling away, she returned the smiled before moving back down to capture her lips in a sweet gentle kiss, her fingers trailing down her body, stopping at the hem of her shirt. The blonde cupped the back of her head deepening the kiss as Ashley's hand slid up her abdomen, the muscles quivering under her touch.

Spencer moaned deeply into the kiss feeling Ashley slip underneath her bra, her hand cupping her breast, blissfully teasing the hardened bud with the palm. She shuddered under the brunette and slightly cried out, her hips jerking as the pounding between her legs intensified. Never in her wildest dreams did she think it'd feel this good to be with Ashley. Sex wasn't something she ever strongly desired, but under the brunette's hands, she didn't want to ever stop. The closeness was intoxicating, Ashley's soft kisses made her heart soar, her hands ecstasy to her skin, the love so easily felt with each touch. Her fingers gripped tightly onto the brunette, one hand buried in her hair while the other held onto her shirt. Gentle kisses were placed along the soft skin of her jaw. "You're so beautiful, Spenny." She groaned at the huskiness of the warm voice in her ear, her slender hips sharply rising and falling as loving fingers teased the sensitive skin surrounding an erect nipple.

"Ashley." The name breathlessly escaped her lips as a jean clad thigh settled between her legs, "Ashley" She pleaded her hand moving up to her shoulder, ready to push her away. Everything was too much, her senses overloaded with a pleasure that seemed both perfect and painful. It terrified her. "Shh," Ashley whispered into her ear lightly rocking against her, teasing her aching center. "Don't worry, I've got you." Her fist enclosed on the material of her shirt covering a slender shoulder. Moaning, she threw her head back with a slight tilt to the right, offering Ashley the soft flesh of her neck. The brunette accepted and kissed down the sensitive skin, nipping and sucking until she reached the V-neck of her cami.

Blue eyes hooded with desire, Ashley kept her gaze moving to sit on her knees, her fingers moving down, lifting her shirt up. Spencer sat up and lifted her arms up allowing the thin material to be removed from her body. Ashley threw it aside and then dipped her head, kissing her while removing the blue strapless bra covering her breasts. Spencer's hand came up and cupped the left side of her face as she was lowered back onto the mattress. Another soft moan escaping her as she felt the fullness of Ashley's body against her naked torso. Nothing before in her entire life felt so right, their bodies fit so perfectly together, Ashley broke the kiss and with her own dazed hooded eyes stared down at her with a small smile on her lips. it was almost as if they were made for each other.

The brunette dipped her head placing a loving kiss on her brow, both sides of her face, and then another on her lips. Blue eyes fluttered shut as her hands moved up and down her sides, her thighs trembled as Ashley rocked slowly against her. She sighed into her mouth feeling a hand knead her breast. "Ashley," She moaned against her lips, "Ashley," She turned her head and buried the left side of her face into the pillow as her hands clenched tightly onto her shirt, knuckles white as the brunette moved her hips faster, the throbbing between her legs unbearable, her hips moved desperately back against her as her body screamed for release.

She cried out as the brunette moved completely away from her. "I'm not going anywhere." She husked reaching down between their bodies, undoing the button of her jeans. Their eyes stayed locked as Spencer lifted her hips, only breaking the gaze to watch tanned hands slowly lower her jeans and underwear down her legs until she was left completely nude. Brown eyes traveled down her body taking in every inch of her flesh. Spencer felt a bit self conscious under her gaze, and blushed when she dipped her head kissing the neatly trimmed hairs between her legs, she looked up into her face with desire burning her eyes as she sucked and licked up her abs, nibbled up her neck, she lightly suckled her earlobe and hotly whispered "You're perfect," before moving down to take her lips in a hungry kiss.

Spencer jerked back sharply inhaling as Ashley's fingers brushed across her sensitive clit. "You're okay." The brunette dipped her head and kissed her lightly, her fingers lightly stroking up and down her sex. The blonde buried her hand into her hair and deepened the kiss, groaning into Ashley's mouth as she suckled her tongue. "Ashley," She moaned into the kiss as the fingers between her legs became more insistent. "Yeah?" She playfully asked sucking on her bottom lip as her thumb made slow circles around her clit. Her hips jerked as another moan escaped her, her heavy lid eyes gazing almost painfully into brown. Her body screamed for release as her hips moved up to deepen the contact against her hand, "I want.." She sighed against Ashley's parted lips, "Ashley," She moaned as the brunette moved her thumb a little faster, "Please," She panted sucking her bottom lip into her mouth and biting down to keep from screaming.

Ashley placed a lingering kiss on the base of her neck, dragging her lips against her skin until she reached her ear. "I love you." The words were softly whispered, her hands clutched hard onto the brunette's shoulders as she felt her thumb move a little faster. "Ashley!" She groaned deeply her hips jerking off the bed as she felt a finger gently enter her.

Sliding in and out of her, blue eyes rolled back as she felt the brunette add another finger. "Ashley," She continued to moan and scream begging her not to stop, her legs tightly squeezed the hand between her legs as she felt her climax approaching. "Open your eyes." Her blue eyes opened meeting the hooded brown above her, she felt the tears fall down her cheeks, the intensity of the pleasure crashing through her body overwhelming, "I love you." Ashley whispered as she felt her inner walls quickly tighten and relax over and over again against the fingers inside her. The brunette moved faster into her; Blue eyes closed, her back arched off the bed as she cried out 'Ashley', her nails digging into the skin of her lover's hips as she shuddered violently from an intense orgasm that dragged on as the brunette continued to move slowly inside her.

She fell limply back onto the bed breathing raggedly. Her hands fell from Ashley's body as she fought hard to control her trembling limbs. Soft lips lovingly kissed her face as caring arms held her close. A satisfied smile shaped her lips as the brunette lightly kissed them.

Blue eyes opened and gazed fondly at Ashley as she placed another tender kiss on her naked shoulder. Her jello like arm reached up and she ran her fingers through her dark curls, watching as she sucked across both her collarbones, nibbling at the hollow of her throat, her brown eyes looked up as she slowly kissed her way down her body, lingering at her heart before hovering above an aching bud.

Spencer unconsciously lifted her body to the warm breath, feeling aroused all over again. The look in the other girl's eyes was nothing but pure want. She let out a soft groan feeling the warmth of her mouth envelop her tight bud. Ashley's brown eyes closed as she sucked and licked, driving the blonde crazy all over again. Her fingers raked through her hair, messaging her scalp as she sighed feeling her clit twitch between her legs. Just watching Ashley was enough to send her over the edge. Her eyes watched her fingers as they disappeared into a sea of brunette waves, wondering if all this was really happening. For so long, she wanted Ashley and it almost seemed unreal that she had her. A part of her was unbelievably happy while the other part feared- she didn't want to think about it anymore. "I want to see you." The brunette stiffened at hearing the huskily spoken words. With a blank expression, Ashley pulled away from her and moved onto her knees, diverting her gaze from Spencer.

Hesitating, she reached down and grasped the hem of her shirt. For a moment she sat frozen like that, and then ever so slowly lifted the shirt off her body. Removing it completely, she ignored the gasp coming from the blonde and continued to remove her bra, Spencer's blue eyes oblivious to her tossing it aside.

Across Ashley's rib cage read the words 'KILL ME' freshly engraved into her skin. She was mesmerized by the bright shade of red, Ashley had done it recently, there was no question about it. She looked back into her face. Brown eyes stayed glued to the wall, her face free of any emotion. There was no indication of what she might be thinking. Spencer opened her mouth but had no words.

Her gaze lowered back to the two words and she moved closer to them, her fingertips tracing each letter, trembling. Ashley didn't hold back. There were a couple of cuts that needed stitches, the depth of them terrifying. How could someone hate themselves so much...Spencer closed her eyes, replacing her fingertips with her lips, she kissed along each letter, silent tears falling the whole way across, she kissed every inch of tattered skin and when she reached the end, she continued up her body, kissing her until she sat on her knees, face to face with the brunette.

She dropped her head onto her shoulder, kissing the skin she found there. Her arms encircled Ashley's body as she turned her head, slowly kissing up her neck, she felt Ashley's arms slowly wrap around her and pressed her forehead to her temple. "I love you, Ashley." She whispered placing a lingering kiss on her cheek. "I love you so much."


	11. Chapter 11

**Ashley**

Prologue

**The brunette staggered up the driveway with a cigarette hanging loosely from her lips. The roar of the expensive Porsche as it drove away was deaf to her ears as she struggled to keep from falling. There was dried blood staining the skin on her face, right under her nose, but she didn't care. Right now, nothing mattered. She felt nothing as she lifted her arm and pushed the doorbell more than 10 times in a row. In her mind, it was just twice.**

Standing on the doorstep, her hooded eyes stared at the door waiting for someone to answer. Normally, she'd never EVER ring the bell to get into the house at 3 AM, for fear of getting hurt, but in her current state of mind she didn't know the difference between night and day. She saw a woman approaching through the glass on the door. A smile graced her features. It was her mother and she knew tonight would be the night she changes. Tonight she'd take her into her arms and call her her baby, tell her she loves her and never hit her again.

The door opened and her head violently snapped to the right as an open palm fell across her face. "Get inside!" Her hair was grabbed and then yanked forcing her small body inside the house. Two hands threw her to the ground, she landed face first onto the marble floor. "Where have you been?" The back of her head was tightly grabbed, she could feel the tips of her sharp nails digging into the skin of her scalp as her head was forced back. "Look at me when I talk, Whore."

She opened her eyes as best she could and then felt another sharp sting on her face when they rolled into the back of her head. She was dizzy, the room was spinning, she felt sick. Another sharp sting. She opened her eyes less then halfway. "Out." She finally answered the vision in front of her slowly starting to blur.

"Out doing what?"

"Fucking." Her head was released and she fell face first onto the floor. Her eyes tightly shut as she felt a wave of nausea sweep through her. A violent kick to the abdomen soon followed but she didn't flinch or even try to defend herself for the second blow, her mother screaming the whole time. Calling her a whore. Another blow after that and she was alone in the living room.

"I love you so much." Ashley held the blonde in her arms as she silently cried against her shoulder, the warm tears coating her naked skin. A pang of frustration ran through her. She was always making her cry one way or another. "I love you, too." She murmured near her ear as her hands rubbed up and down her back. Her brown eyes landed on the bedroom door, she wanted to get out of there. The Xanax she took earlier had worn off and she needed something else. Her mind switched gears and she wondered how much money she had and who she can buy from downstairs- No, Spencer needed her. She couldn't leave. "Lay down with me."

Spencer removed her hands from her body. Ashley got off the bed and walked the short distance to the light switch. Turning off the lights, she moved back onto the mattress and got under the covers, covering half of Spencer's naked body with her own. She moved up and took her lips in a gentle kiss. "Good night."

**She made it to the top of the staircase and stumbled into her bedroom. Her first priority lied under the bed in a shoe box. Falling onto her hands and knees she searched around for the shoe box and showed no excitement when she found it. She just placed it on top of the bed and then took a seat after removing her clothes. Grabbing a razor, she crushed up three different pills and in no time had two white lines. She didn't waste another second leaning forward and snorting them.**

Leaning back against her headboard, she stared at the far wall her fingers unconsciously scratching the skin on her arm. Despite the three muscle relaxers, she still felt dirty. Every inch of her body filthy. She felt the barest hint of warm liquid and looked down. The tip of her index finger was bleeding. She looked at her other hand and noticed the razor in hand. "Hit me." She mumbled leaning further back in bed. "I don't give a fuck." Her words were slurred as she brought her hand to rest on her abdomen. "Fucking kill me." She snarled dragging the razor over her body, she smirked.

"Fucking kill me." The blood spilled instantly as she ran the tip of the sharp corner up and down her body.

"Bitch." 

**Chapter 11**

The full moon filtered through the exposed window highlighting the room in its light, allowing her to see the beautiful girl lying next to her. She loved everything about her, from the soft little mumbles she made in her sleep to her irresistible statuesque body. Spencer was perfect. Everything she could ever want in a person, everything she needed- she had attempted to leave three times since she fell asleep.

Reaching out, Ashley carefully ran her fingers up and down Spencer's arm her eyes never leaving her sleeping face. Spencer was never good at hiding her feelings. "You've always been in love with me," She whispered gently brushing the hair out of her face. She pulled her hand back and carelessly let it fall to the mattress. "And I've always been in love with you." Her body craved something, anything, and once again she felt a deep regret. Gazing into her love's sleeping face, she felt a sense of panic. "But you have no idea who I am."

Reality hit her hard. What would happen when Spencer woke up? They would have to go back to their worlds eventually. To their very different lifestyles- Ashley attempted to get up, ready to bolt out the room, but stopped herself again.

She wasn't going to ruin Spencer's first time. She loved her too much and hated herself for letting her know it. For letting things get out of control. She rolled onto her back and stared up.

Drugs didn't do much to numb the feelings she had for Spencer. They were deeper and stronger than any dosage of prescription medication. She would even think about her after several lines of cocaine, wanting her more than the high.

And now she had her.

Rolling onto her side, propped up on one arm, she gazed into her sleeping face for the thousandth time that night. Spencer slept soundly on her back, her head turned in her direction. _You left me for him and no matter how hard I try to get you back, you never stay with me._ Since hearing those words, she never wanted to leave her side again. She knew the blonde was oblivious to her own words, but they spoke the truth. A painful reality she saw in the living room. The raw anger in her eyes as she watched her dance with another girl and the pain and confusion that followed. She followed Spencer needing to fix everything, but what happened was so unexpected.

She never expected to open up to her, to tell her she loved her and then go on to say she wanted to be her first and forever. Ashley wanted to blame the drugs, but couldn't. The words came straight from the heart Spencer held lovingly in her hands, making it flutter with every kiss to her body, filling her with a unique warmth that both scared and pleasured her. A feeling no drug could numb no matter how bad she wanted it to.

Another craving plagued her, one that ruthlessly assaulted her senses worst than any other. She finally gave into it. Ashley carefully crawled back under the covers, snuggling up to Spencer's side, the need to be in arms overwhelming. She kissed the bare skin on her upper chest, allowing her lips to linger there. She closed her eyes feeling the blonde stir beneath her. "I thought it was all a dream." A soft sleepy voice mumbled.

Her lips moved all around her chest showering her with soft delicate kisses as she slowly awakened. "Are you disappointed?" She asked kissing her shoulder before moving up to meet her gaze.

"No." Blue eyes became more aware as a drowsy smile painted her lips. "You're finally real."

Guilt ripped through her, she quickly pushed it away and took her lips in a slow deep kiss, feeling Spencer's fingers in her hair while her other hand ran up and down the length of her back. She lost herself in the kiss and the softness of the blonde's body, her gentle caresses, sweet and subtle, adding onto her arousal. She was normally numb, her mind somewhere else when it came to sex, but not this time. Not with Spencer.

The muffled sound of shattering glass got her attention. Ashley broke the kiss and met dazed eyes. "Should we go down there?" She breathlessly questioned, feeling Spencer's fingers graze up and down her naked sides. She fought back a moan as they moved to the front of her body and trailed up, brushing over her hardened nipples before stopping at her shoulders.

"You're all that matters." Spencer answered with a small smile. "The night is ours." Her eyes flickered down before meeting hers again as the fingers on her shoulders tapped nervously on her skin. "I want you." Ashley smiled at the uncertainty in the blonde's eyes. The words were shyly spoken and she was reminded of the blonde's inexperience.

It was her first real time with anyone, guy or girl, and she smiled a little wider. She doubted she even touched herself, growing up catholic. Her parents took her to mass with them every Sunday and she normally followed the rules. "What's so funny?"

"Your next confession." Ashley grinned as the blonde playfully groaned. "Do you think the priest will walk out with a hard on?"

Spencer chuckled, her nose wrinkling as she mocked disgust and shook her head from side to side. "They're all in their 80's."

"So," Ashley briefly sampled her lips. "You'd still get me hard at 100." Brown eyes gazed into blue and noticed the playfulness drain from them, replaced with a noticeable curiosity.

"Are you now?"

Ashley dipped her head and kissed her again. "Hard?" She watched the blonde nod a little and smiled. "Very." Her lips found hers again and they kissed longer. "Hard and wet."

"Show me." The whispered words were warm against her lips, Ashley kissed her a final time before sitting up. She lifted her left arm up and raked her fingers through dark curls as she stared down at her half naked body. KILL ME. She read the two words and was reminded of her many flaws, the disaster that was her body. What the fuck am I doing? She internally panicked watching her right hand stall at the button of her jeans.

"You're hand is shaking." The words were softly spoken near her ear laced with a noticeable fear. She turned her head and met Spencer's concerned face. "What's wrong?"

Where would you like me to start? Her mind harshly snapped as she gazed into blue eyes. "Don't," She curtly demanded stopping the blonde from touching her. Hurt and confusion painted her beautiful face, Ashley hated herself for it. Hated herself for the entire night. "You don't want to touch me." Her eyes never left the blonde's. "I'm disgusting." She looked away, ready to get up and leave, but was stopped by the hands on her body.

"You're beautiful." She looked back into her lover's face and opened her mouth, ready to protest when a soft pair of lips silenced her.

Feeling a warm hand cup her jaw, she stopped thinking and gave into the blonde. Allowing her tongue to enter the warmth of her mouth, she moaned deeply into the kiss as Spencer closed the distance between their bodies. Skin against skin, Ashley's fingertips grazed down her spine and the girl in her arms shuddered as she continued down two full globes, cupping them, Spencer's nails dug into her shoulders as she broke the kiss starved for air. "Take me," She breathed hoarsely into a flushed ear. "I'm yours."

Spencer looked into her eyes, searching. Ashley had to wonder if she ever believed a word she said. "Forever, remember?"

She smiled, a smile that spoke a million words, all expressing the happiness she felt. It was worth it, Ashley thought as the blonde took her lips in a tender kiss. She was worth everything. "I love you." The words were whispered against her lips, between kisses.

Ashley said them back, meaning every word.

She was urged onto her back and her eyes hungrily watched the blonde as she settled on top of her. Her hands moved to her intoxicating skin and explored the expanse of her back before drowning in soft blonde hair. She cupped the back of her head and closed her eyes. Bringing Spencer's lips down to meet hers, she took them in a possessive kiss. The blonde kissed her back just as hard, her earlier shyness completely dead, she ran her tongue over Ashley's bottom lip and moaned as she lightly sucked on it.

Messaging Spencer's scalp with one hand, she caressed her neck and shoulder with the other, loving the warm skin under her fingertips. Spencer left her mouth, trailing her lips down her jaw. Eyes tightly shut, Ashley turned her head offering her more of her neck, sighing as a warm palm cupped the roundness of her breast. Her hips jerked as a thumb brushed over her taunt nipple, a shaky moan escaping her as the sensitive skin of her throat was sucked, kissed, and licked.

Through hooded lids, she watched Spencer's hand tease her nipple and lips kiss all over her chest, heading to her other breast. Her mind went back to Grey's, to the night Spencer found her and how bad she wanted the blonde but didn't dare take her against the wall of a crowded night club. She didn't want Spencer to ever want her, but it was so apparent she did and the feeling wasn't one sided. Ashley just wished things were different.

She wished she was different.

"Spencer," She gasped feeling the wetness and warmth of her mouth surround her painfully erect nipple. She kept her hand in her hair, lovingly stroking her blonde strands as she trembled all over, the intense pleasure pooling between her legs.

It amazed her how different it was with her. How much she loved kissing her despite how much she hated to kiss, something she found too intimate and pointless. She craved Spencer lips like morphine or coke, which she was normally on with other girls.

They didn't compare to Spencer.

No one did.

Throwing her head back, she closed her eyes as another moan escaped her, biting down on her bottom lip as she moved to her other nipple, a whimper escaping her as she teased her with her tongue. "Fuck, Spence." She moaned tossing her head to the side.

The room was filled with her soft, labored breaths and occasional low moans as the blonde's mouth moved back and forth from breast to breast flicking her hardness with her tongue, it drove Ashley overwhelmingly crazy. There were times she found herself pulling on her hair, the pleasure becoming too much as her mind screamed 'Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck' over and over again.

Brown eyes opened and her back slightly arched as the blonde kissed both her light brown nipples. Her blue eyes dark with desire closed as she trailed her lips lower, placing soft kisses across her rib cage. Showering each painful letter with love, she tensed and looked away feeling a light stinging behind her eyes.

The full moon was beautiful shining high above the night sky, she saw past it. Her body solely focused on the lips kissing down her body. She knew the pleasure would be short lived, Spencer would see the mess that was her body and be done with her. She was fucking gross, ugly, and fucked up. Spencer would find out for herself and finally be done with her.

Her mind continued thinking a million thoughts per second as Spencer stopped at the waistband of her jeans. "Ashley." Her name was softly spoken and she turned her head, meeting the blonde's gaze. A single tear slipped from her eye and with some aggravation she wiped it away. "Here let me help you." Her voice was cold as she sat up and undid the button of her jeans.

Ignoring the blonde's presence. she removed the rest of her clothing and tossed them aside. She kept her eyes off Spencer and stared down at herself. There was enough light from outside to see the horrific scars and fresh cuts staining the top of her thighs. She smirked reading the few 'Fuck Me' scars scattered between the many small and long cuts.

She just loved fucking herself up. What a joy it was waking up the next morning and having no recollection of even grabbing the razor blade much less burying it in her flesh and drawing on herself. The smile died from her lips as a warm hand covered her own.

Spencer didn't need this. She was too good to be dealing with a basket case like herself. Someone who didn't hesitate grabbing a razor to take out her anger and frustration on herself. The person who deserved all the pain. A fucking whore. Who knows, one night she might have the balls to tear into her wrist. Just one straight line going down- "I love you." Her long curls were pushed back behind her right shoulder,

Ashley stiffly placed her hands on Spencer's upper arms as she slowly kissed down her neck, her hand teasing the naked skin on her hips, she shuddered as they moved up her torso brushing over her left breast only to move back down, coming dangerously close to her sex. A breathless sigh escaped her, a reminder of her painfully aroused state as Spencer teased her inner thighs. Her fingertips lovingly stroking the tattered yet sensitive skin, turning her legs into jelly. "You're so beautiful, Ash." The words were huskily spoken in her ear, she gasped feeling her touch where she needed it the most and instinctively turned her head, desperately seeking her lips in a kiss.

She groaned into Spencer's mouth her hips rocking back and forth, pressing herself harder against the hand cupping her; she reached out and while teasing the blonde's tongue with her lips, slipped her hand between her legs, finding her wetness. They moaned into each other's mouths, the kiss becoming sloppy and incoherent as they touched each other, their fingers coated in the other girl's arousal, "Ashley," Spencer moaned dropping her head onto her shoulder as she teased her clit, rubbing the hard little nub in fast light circles.

"Spencer." She breathlessly panted over and over again feeling the blonde's fingers rub her harder. The lips on her shoulder viciously sucking her skin as Spencer moaned deeply, her fingers bringing the blonde ecstasy, "Fuck, come with me, Spence, come with me, come...ugh, now, fuck! Spencer!" She groaned loudly to the sky as the blonde's fingers rubbed her faster the juices flowing freely from her contracting walls as she came hard hearing her name pass Spencer's lips.

She fell heavily back onto a pile of pillows, her chest heaving as she lied spent. Spencer's warm trembling body covered hers, her flushed face buried into her neck. Ashley felt her warm breaths against her skin and wrapped her arms around her heaving frame, holding tightly onto her as she tried to control her own frantic breathing.

There was still a faint throbbing between her legs, its beating in sync with her heart. She heard an 'I love you' somewhere distant and faraway. She murmured the words back and gave into her exhaustion, falling into a dreamless sober sleep.

Her eyes opened and she was met with the harsh sunlight shining through the window. She turned away from it and noticed the blonde. Spencer stood beside the bed throwing on a pink robe, her eyes casted down as she tied it closed. A knock filled the silence of the room and everything made sense. Ashley lied on her side watching her walk to the noise. Her eyes met shocked blue for a second before the blonde stepped outside, closing the door behind her.

Aiden.

She couldn't stand him.

Rolling onto her back, she stretched out her sore muscles fighting back a smile as the nights events replayed in her mind. She was happy. There were no other words for it. For the first time- Ashley relaxed onto the bed sheets, her mind flipping a switch, one that turned her thoughts dark. No one could touch her sober, a simple hug made her tense up, and it was impossible for her to do anything sexual without some kind of high. Turning her head, brown eyes landed on a picture of her and Spencer sitting on top of the dresser.

Their young happy faces bringing a small smile to her face.

The last time she had sex sober was with Micheal. A familiar pain shot through her. Ashley sat up and stared down at her cut up thighs. Fuck Me, Fuck Me, Fuck Me- "Fucker." The pain felt so real and she always felt it when thinking about the man who robbed her of her virginity. Her mother's sick boyfriend. The reason her father-

Ashley moved off the bed refusing to deal with her fucked up memories.

They weren't meant to be brought up sober.

Only her incoherent fucked up mind could deal with them.

Standing beneath the air vent, she scanned the floor for her clothes fighting back a shiver as the cold air assaulted her naked skin. She found her jeans but her eyes strayed a second later. Spencer stepped back inside the room. Their eyes met and she flashed her a small smile. A fake smile hiding what she really felt. What she didn't want her to see.

Ashley moved to her, clothes forgotten, and lightly grasped onto her hips urging her back against the closed door. "Fuck him." She pressed her body into Spencer's and softly kissed her. "We're none of his business."

"He's just worried about me." The blonde wrapped her arms around her and placed another kiss on her lips. "How'd you sleep?"

"The way I do every time I'm with you." She rested her forehead against Spencer's and simply basked in their closeness as she gazed into her gorgeous eyes. He had every right to be worried. "Perfect. And you my little snookie bear?"

"Snookie bear?" The blonde chuckled softly gazing into her playful eyes. "Its adorable."

"You're such a bad liar." She found herself laughing along with her. "Snookie bear." She tested the name out and grinned at her facial expression. "I'm sorry but I've never been in this situation before." She all of a sudden became serious realizing their current status. "I really don't know what to call you now."

"Anything but Phoenix." Spencer flashed her a small smile of reassurance. "Nothing has changed, we're still us. The same us we've always been."

"No." Ashley gently corrected. "A lot of things are different now." It was her turn to do the reassuring. "Like," She looked up in thought in a playful matter, until she actually thought of something. Her face changed suddenly as she looked back into blue eyes. "Before, I'd never give a flower."

"And now?"

"I'll drop everything to make a quick trip next door and pick the roses out of their bush." Her eyes closed as she moved her head from side to side, rubbing their noses together. "The scratches from the thorns will be worth it," She moved forward for her lips, "Because you're worth everything."

Spencer closed the small space between their mouths and their lips met softly, the kiss becoming deep and heated within seconds. "I promised Aiden," The blonde murmured between kisses. "I'd be down after a quick shower."

Ashley took her lips in another kiss. "You lied." She murmured playfully sucking on her bottom lip before kissing her again, harder this time. Spencer didn't fight her. Instead, she pulled her closer moaning as she slipped a hand into her robe, cupping a full breast.

She teased the hardening bud between her fingers, swallowing the blonde's whimpers, she felt her hands in her hair, messaging her scalp, playing with her curls, treating each strand like a precious gift, something no one else did.

Slipping her thigh between the blonde's legs, Spencer broke the kiss with a gasp, her blue eyes closing as she connected with her wetness, moving her hips against her, she teased her sensitive center, her lips sucking on a delicate ear lobe. "You're so wet." She groaned into her ear feeling her arousal coat her skin. "Are you always so easily turned on?"

"Only with you." Was her breathless reply as Ashley pinched her hardened bud. "For you." She added with a moan.

"For me?" Ashley grinned against the softness of her neck, kissing the fair flesh before lightly sucking on it. Her hands moved to the tie of the robe. Undoing it, she moved her hands up to her shoulders, removing the pink garment from her body.

Ashley took Spencer in another deep kiss, moving her hips a little faster, rubbing her a little harder. The moans going down her throat along with the increase desire painting her skin told her how much the blonde enjoyed her.

But she wanted her a different way.

Ashley broke the kiss and stared into her hooded eyes with desire burning into hers. The thought of what she wanted making her heart pound between her legs. "I love you." She stopped moving the thigh between her legs and pulled her body away, the confusion evident in blue eyes. "Don't worry." She moved to her ear, hotly whispering, "I'll make you come," before trailing her lips down her body.

She started innocently at her neck where she kissed her way down to her left shoulder. Nipping at the skin there, she continued down, sucking on the skin above an erect pink nipple, lightly grazing her teeth over its hardness. Her eyes gazed straight up into the blue watching her, loving the smokiness in them, the dark desire she knew pooled in her own eyes, Spencer's hips jerked as she did it a second time, a low moan escaping her throat.

The hand buried in her curls clamped tightly shut, grabbing a fist full of her hair as she sucked and licked down her tight abs, the intense basketball work out making them flawless and hard. She paid special attention to every inch of their perfection, dipping her tongue into her belly button, she finally got onto her knees.

The bizarre almost appalled look in Spencer's eyes was the last thing she saw before dropping her gaze to the neat patch of blonde wispy hair. Plenty of girls had been down her and up until now, she found the thought of putting someone else's pussy in her mouth disgusting. She refused to do it. But it was different with Spencer. She even found her scent to be alluring and hot. Looking up she noticed the apprehension in her eyes, and for the first time she realized how tense she was. "You smell good." A blush instantly painted her cheeks and her discomfort and embarrassment became apparent. "You can tell me to stop anytime."

"I know." She answered shyly with a small but loving smile that was easily reflected in her blue eyes. Reaching up, Ashley took the hand on her shoulder and intertwined their fingers together, giving it a gentle squeeze, she moved her head forward, her eyes never leaving blue.

Brushing her lips against blonde hair, she kissed her there and then moved lower. Spencer held her breath as she placed another kiss, this time on her outer lips. She slipped her tongue inside her slippery folds and watched the gasp escape Spencer's lips, her head falling back against the door, the look of raw pleasure etching her pretty features as she squeezed her hand tightly. Her hips moved on their own accord pressing herself harder against her lips, Ashley moved her tongue thoroughly through her wetness, the pounding between her own legs insane. She was just as aroused, if not more, and with her free hand ran her fingers through her own wetness, her tongue finding Spencer's clit.

She moaned along with Spencer, her tongue making fast circles around her hard slick nub, the taste of her desire intoxicating, she drank her greedily fueled by her sighs, moans, and the husky way she panted her name over and over again. Her hand cupped the back of her head, keeper her close against her. Ashley's eyes closed as her own pleasure became too much, her fingers making fast light circles around her clit. She moaned deeply against the blonde, her lips sucking on her clit.

Spencer's hips slowly started thrusting against her, Ashley met each thrust eagerly with her tongue, making it flat and hard against her. The blonde moaned uncontrollably as she moved faster against her, her body trembling all over. Spencer bucked against her mouth, a final cry escaping her as she came hard into her mouth. Ashley soon followed, groaning deep into her sex as wave after wave of pleasure rushed through her.

Their hands stayed tightly interlaced as Spencer slowly slid down the door. With trembling limbs, Ashley moved closer to her, taking her quivering frame into her arms. She kissed the nearest skin to her lips over and over again, placing a final one on her temple.

They held each other for several minutes, recovering from the aftershocks of an orgasm. "Did that really just happen?" Spencer playfully groaned burying her face in Ashley's neck.

"Yes." She slowly moved her hand up and down her back. "And you loved it."

"I love you." A soft kiss to her neck followed the declaration.

"I love you too." She kissed the top of her head, smiling as strands of blonde tickled her nose. It was so easy to say, like when they were kids. _I love you, Spenny. _She always wanted her to know, and she made sure she always knew. On a daily basis. Sometimes more than once in one day. "I love you, Spenny." She gave the hand in her grasp another gentle squeeze.

Spencer lifted her head from her shoulder and softly kissed her lips. "I wish we could stay like this forever." She mumbled against them.

"On the floor in front of your door? That's how you wish to spend the rest of your life?" She playfully inquired, the smile on her face reaching her eyes.

"Yes." Spencer chuckled kissing her again. "In front of the door," Another kiss. "On the floor," And another. "Forever in your arms. It'd be a dream come true."

"You always were easy to please." She smiled fondly into her eyes, her fingers stilled at the small of her back, drawing imaginary shapes. "A two dollar magazine was all it took to make you smile and hug me like you've never gotten a gift before in your life."

"I don't think it had much to do with the magazine." She placed her head back onto her shoulder and snuggled closer against her. "I just loved seeing you. My day was never complete without a visit from you. I loved you like crazy, Ash...and I never stopped."

"I know." She leaned her cheek against the top of her head and closed her eyes, focusing on the Vanilla scent filling her senses. "You should go take that shower before Aiden comes back up here." She internally rolled her eyes. "He's more annoying when he's angry."

Wearing a black 'King High' basketball T-shirt and green gym shorts, Ashley made her way down the staircase. She denied an invitation to shower with Spencer knowing it'd further piss Aiden off to see them both come out of the bathroom with wet hair. She didn't care what he thought or felt, but his opinion meant something to Spencer and she didn't want to give him another reason to give her hell.

Stepping into the living room, her eyes took in the bodies scattered all over and the trash littering the normally clean area. Paula and Arthur would die if they saw the state of their house. She walked deeper into the room and sternly kicked the first body she came across. It was a guy passed out completely naked next to the couch. With a moan, he turned his head and looked up at her. "Party's over, time to leave." She moved onto the next body and spent the next 10 minutes getting people out of the house.

She wanted to skip the next body but decided against it. It was either waking her up or letting her sleep on the couch. She didn't Spencer to have to see her again. Gently shaking the shoulder of a petite blonde, her face stayed emotionless as she opened her brown eyes and looked up at her with a sleepy gaze that turned a second later. "Don't touch me." She snapped angrily.

Ashley smirked. "But I thought you wanted me inside you, fucking you. It's all you could talk about last night." She didn't give her much of a chance to reply. "Its time for you to go." She turned around and moved onto the next person.

"You're such a bitch." An almost playful voice commented from behind. She ignored the owner of it and moved onto a teenage boy with long green hair face down on the coffee table. She shook his shoulder. "Wake up, time to go home." She shook harder when he didn't move.

Finally, he got up after shooting her an annoyed glare and headed to the door. "How was the skank you went upstairs with? Was she better than me?"

"I asked you to leave." She turned around giving the blonde her full attention. "Why are you still here?"

Her name was Alexis, one of Ashley's biggest fans. The brunette didn't understand why she kept bothering her. She treated the younger girl like crap and only used her for sex and drugs. At 16, she had a nice body, pretty face, and knew how to put her tongue to good use, but what really mattered was the drugs she stole from her brother. One of the school's biggest dealers. He was the ONLY reason she didn't completely ignore her. "I wanted to say goodbye." She replied defensively. "You didn't give me much of a chance to last night."

"My bad." She carelessly replied looking away. She was fed up with her complaining. She's lucky I even danced with her. Her eyes landed on her next victim- a hand wrapped around her wrist before she could move. Her jaw clenched in frustration as she faced her. "Go fuck yourself. There, I said goodbye now you can walk yourself out the fucking door and I'll see you next time I need my clit sucked." She abruptly walked away from Alexis and everyone else in the room.

Entering the kitchen, she ignored the two boys standing in the middle of the room. Aiden and a tall blonde haired boy she knew played on the team with him. She felt both their eyes on her as she opened the dish washer looking for a cup. "That shirt looks hot on you, Baby." She looked up at him and noticed his eyes on her body. "So you're a fan-"

"No." She cut him off closing the dish washer, her dry throat forgotten as she stared into his dark eyes. He looked familiar and she felt sick. "I hate the team and the fucking school and all the morons who waste their time watching a group of men chase after a fucking orange ball." She dropped his gaze and eagerly walked to the exit of the kitchen, only stopping when he stepped in her way.

He licked his lips and tilted his head to the side, his eyes once again raking over her body. "Who do I have to pay to see you again?"

"Fuck you." She spat and attempted to get passed him but was blocked by his massive frame. He stood taller than Aiden with more muscle mass. His facial expression turned sour and it further angered her. "You're too small for any whore to fuck twice." A smirk made its way onto her lips as she recalled their last encounter. The memory was fuzzy, her mind on a different planet that night, she wasn't even sure it was him but realized it didn't matter. They were all the same. "You couldn't even keep it up longer than a minute."

"Bitch." He attempted to close the distance between them, eager to get in her face like some big shot, but was stopped. Aiden wedged himself between their bodies and pushed his bigger frame away from her.

"Dude, chill out. She's a girl."

He half snorted half laughed, his eyes finding hers again, the anger still evident in his gaze. "She's a fucking slut, man. You should let me knock some sense into her. Teach her a fucking lesson she'll never forget."

"I'm not the one who needs lessons." She smugly clarified finding the scene amusing. Obscenities spilled from his lips as he struggled to get past Aiden, at one point he almost succeeded, but she didn't care. What could he do? Hit her! Let him go, her mind taunted gazing into his fuming eyes. He wouldn't be the first guy to hit me.

Two more guys entered the kitchen and managed to escort the angry teenager out of the house. Unfortunately, Aiden stayed behind and didn't waste anytime turning around. She met his angry blue eyes with a calm relaxed demeanor. "You really don't give a damn, do you?"

"About him? No." She coolly responded.

Aiden laughed and it was far from joyful. "You selfish bitch." He shook his head, his eyes staring incredulously into hers. "Is that how you feel about Spencer? You just don't give a damn."

"Exactly." She answered her voice oozing sarcasm. "I could give a flying fuck about her."

Aiden snorted. "Thats very believable. It must be the truth."

"You don't know anything." And it was the truth. He didn't know anything about her and Spencer. If he did, he would know she found her life more precious than her own. "I was her friend long before you came into the picture."

"And then you stopped." He shook his in disgust. "Giving her up for what? Drugs? Prostitution? And what will happen when she finds out? She would already know if she was allowed in the locker room with us."

Ashley didn't have any answers, not even a sarcastic bitchy remark. She simply stood there speechless, staring almost helplessly into Aiden's face. Finally, her eyes dropped his, and she folded her arms over her chest, staring down. He made it sound like she enjoyed it, when really, she'd sometimes spend hours under a shower head trying to wash the smell of the guy off her skin. A smell that wasn't really there, but she still smelled and felt him on her and it'd take high dosages of anything to get her to feel decent enough to live with herself again. And then there was her mother. She knew without her having to say a word. It was simple. Ashley always had money to buy clothes and drugs and Christine never gave her a penny. She didn't have a job. It only made sense what she did to make money.

And it was all for an expensive habit.

"I just hope she didn't sleep with you." Her eyes found his again. "Because she was a virgin." A bitter grin shaped his lips. "And you're a whore."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"Tell her something came up." She _was _a virgin. The tense of the statement was not lost on her. Aiden's blue eyes were harsh as they stared into her brown, waiting, searching, and wanting answers. She had none to give him. His blunt words, harsh, almost cruel, meant nothing to her. He gave her old news and it seemed almost comical he felt the need to remind her of the fucked up life she led, like she had no idea. "And I had to go."

His entire posture relaxed and her leaving had everything to do with it. She was giving him another excuse to preach to Spencer, proving she was selfish and only wanted her for the sex. It would all end right then and there because she wasn't going to tell her different. She was selfish and their whole little love fairy tale bullshit could easily be erased and re written into something meaningless.

She didn't want to remember it and maybe if she tried hard enough, she could convince herself it never happened.

Ashley walked out the kitchen with every intention of leaving, but the front door was ignored. Her eyes strayed to the dark hallway across the room. There was no arguing and she felt nothing as her legs carried her through the living room, reaching the threshold. She walked down the short hallway, not caring for the light switch.

She didn't want to draw any attention to this part of the house.

The part she valued most.

Her footsteps came to a halt and she fought back a little grin, not because she felt good. No. She was disgusted with herself all over again. I do value this the most, don't I? This room and not Spencer's. The room I- we- She sighed deciding it didn't matter what they did in her room.

It wasn't happening again.

Standing in front of the black door reading 'Do Not Enter,' she lifted her arm and knocked a couple of times, loud enough to wake the slumbering boy inside. She almost felt guilty, not for waking Glen, but for seeing him behind Spencer's back. It was like old times when she'd sleep over and wait for her little blonde friend to fall asleep giving her the perfect opportunity to sneak out. To see her twin and not for the reasons she thought.

Love and sex had nothing to do with it.

They spent the night upstairs in his parent's office where a safe lied in the corner. Glen knew the combination and what lied inside was better than any amount of gold. Xanax, Valium, muscle relaxers, pain killers- it was a dream come true and she felt almost jealous that he had the doctor for a mother and not her.

_**You left me for him and no matter how hard I try to get you back, you never stay with me.**_

_But I always came back_, she angrily thought watching the door open. _I always came back to you, Spencer_. He filled her vision. _But it's wrong for me stay. _His blonde curls were a mess, his eyes thick with sleep, barely opened. _This is my life._ He looked like shit. _And there's no place for you in it._ Without saying anything, he walked away. _Because I fuck guys for money._ She followed him inside the room. _I sleep with girls for pleasure._ Closing the door behind her.

And it's all I'm good for.

"Have fun last night?" He walked casually to the computer desk settled in the corner of the dark room, bending over a hand held mirror. He grabbed a short silver straw and ran it across the smooth reflective surface.

"Sure." She answered nonchalantly her eyes obsessed following the straw as it hovered over a second line. Her mouth watered at the sight. The decision was made before a question was asked. She stopped thinking and Spencer stopped existing the second Glen moved away from the mirror, satisfied with his morning fix. Every nerve in her body ached for a taste of heaven, sending her mind to a better place, numbing what she didn't want to feel.

Love being at the top of the list.

She took Glen's place at the computer desk and bent over, picking up the wal-mart gift card next to the mirror; she began cutting lines with a guilt free conscious. She wasn't tied down to anything. Anyone. So she slept with Spencer, big fucking deal. She slept with a lot of people and the love she spoke so highly of was the Xanax talking. Her mind drilled the thought into her head, thoughts she didn't want right now. Everything was supposed to stop.

Don't worry, her mind soothingly whispered. It'll all be over soon. Her fingers took the silver straw between them, trembling as anticipation wracked her body. The straw was brought up to the entrance of her left nostril. Holding the right one closed, her eyes fluttered shut as she breathed in something better than oxygen.

"Did you fuck anyone?"

"_Ashley," Spencer moaned dropping her head onto her shoulder as she teased her clit, rubbing the hard little nub in fast light circles._

"_Spencer." She breathlessly panted over and over again feeling the blonde's fingers rub her harder. _

"No." She moved the straw to her right nostril and held down the left, snorting a second line. Releasing a breath through her mouth. She breathed in extra hard through her nose, making sure she got every last grain of coke in her system. Her eyes fell on the pile once again. Why stop at two? She playfully questioned grabbing the wal-mart gift card again. So I get behind the wheel and crash to my death, oh well. "I spent the night with Spencer." Her eyes concentrated on the neat straight lines in progress.

"Oh God."

"_What's so funny?"_

"_Your next confession." Ashley grinned as the blonde playfully groaned. "Do you think the priest will walk out with a hard on?"_

"What did you two do?" There was a bit of amusement in his voice, he even laughed a little. It was hilarious to think she could spend an entire night with Spencer, wasn't it? Considering she didn't care for alcohol, drugs, random hookups- anything that was her life. "Fuck?"

Laughing, she was laughing when nothing was funny, replacing the gift card with the silver straw. "It wasn't fucking." She grinned bringing it up to her left nostril, holding down the right, inhaling and then dropping the straw and taking another deep breath through her nose. "It was dreaming." She closed her eyes, her heart racing, a wave of nausea filling her stomach. Her fingers came up again and she breathed in her last slice of heaven. "It was all a fucking dream." She murmured a lazy smile painting her lips.

"I don't want to know."

"Good." She sniffled extra hard and then straightened up. "Because I forgot it."

Turning around, she faced Glen and leaned back against the computer desk. Her eyes opened and she frowned. His room. She didn't want to be in there. Her arms folded across her chest. He laid back in bed, eyes closed. "I'm leaving."

He said something, she didn't really hear it, didn't care to know. She walked out of the room and stepped into the hallway, the darkness making her dizzy, her heart pounding hard against her chest. Entering the living room, faces, faces, faces, Alexis was there talking to a couple of people. She smiled at her and she smiled back, but didn't stop, she had to leave.

She had to get out of there.

As she walked out the front door, leaving Aiden alone in the kitchen and Spencer in the shower, each step away from the house became more and more difficult. She was probably on her mind, her blue eyes eagerly waiting to see her- she saw them dull in her mind's eye, a look of disappointment maybe anger and definitely pain painting her precious face. The promise she made to never hurt her came to mind.

She never was good at keeping promises.

Just fucking stop! She internally screamed wanting the voice inside her head to shut the fuck up. She didn't want to think about her anymore, it was starting to hurt. If I'm so selfish then why do I care so much? Cocaine. It normally kicked in immediately with her, but she still felt everything she wanted to numb. I should have done more, she thought running a hand through her hair. Until my heart stopped.

Voices floated through the dry heated air meeting her ears. She stopped dead in her tracks on the hot cement burning the bottom of her feet. The nerves screaming at her to move onto the grass, she ignored them knowing she deserved the discomfort. The grass was too much of a luxury for someone who deserved the worst hell imaginable. A whore taking the poor virginity of a practicing catholic- was she supposed to feel guilty?

She was Catholic too, if that meant anything.

Her lips curved in a tiny smile as a sad excuse for a soothing breeze flowed through her. Leaving her wanting more, the hot sun beating brutally down on her. Winter simply doesn't exist here, her mind murmured as she turned her head.

A small boy and girl played in the front yard of the neighboring house. Her eyes moved off them and landed on a...

Rose bush.

Tuning out the small voice in her head demanding she leave and never look back, Ashley gave her scorching skin a break and stepped onto the grass, walking until she reached the small children. The boy looked around 10 with bright red hair and freckles. His sister ran into the house. She assumed to go tell her parents about her. "I'm Ashley." She introduced herself to pass the time.

"So?" The boy looked at her like she was crazy.

She liked him already. "I thought kids were supposed to be non judgmental and a joy to everyone around them."

"You're a stranger." He flatly pointed out. "I'm not supposdta talk to you anyway."

"I must have forgotten how fucked up this world is." I'm only here half the time anyway, she thought aimlessly as the little girl came running out with a another girl who looked around her age. Older sister or baby sitter she assumed and with a charming non-threatening smile approached her. The girl was cute but she had no desire to really check her out. "I'll give you a hundred dollars for a few roses." The older sister quickly glanced at the rose bush and then back at her. She smiled a warm giddy smile. "They're for my girlfriend."

The look on her face became priceless. A mixture of shock and disgust; her brown eyes noticed the cross hanging around her neck for the first time and she had to wonder. Was she Catholic too? "Umm...sure." She finally answered not really knowing what to make of the situation. "But we don't have any clippers."

"That's okay." They were never an option anyway. "I have hands."

Her eyes slightly widened but she didn't say anything. With a quick nod, she went back inside the house, leaving the door wide open. Ashley guessed that was her way of watching the kids while she watched TV or did something else self-absorbed and mindless.

Not that she gave a damn.

The green, healthy, plant towered over her, its fragrance light and refreshing. Brown eyes scanned for the reddest, healthiest, and largest roses. Only the best for my Spenny because I love her soooooooo fucking much. I can't ignore her longer than a few minutes...it must be love. Without any hesitation, she buried her arm into soft leaves and sharp thorns. "Or maybe I'm insane." The scratches happened instantly but she didn't flinch. "That would make more sense." The sensation of their sharp ends stabbing her skin lost on her. "Little kids think so." She didn't feel anything. "And they know everything." With a determined mind and somewhat long nails, she used them as tiny saws, viscously digging into the stems until they were ready to be pulled free. "But I love her too."

Holding twelve long stem roses in the palm of her hand, she gripped tightly onto them. They were her perfect gift to Spencer. She didn't want anything to spoil they're beauty and perfection luring her to fall even more in love with her. Not that the love she had for her now wasn't enough, it was more than enough, almost overwhelmingly, but she was greedy, selfish and she wanted her whole heart to herself.

Using her free hand, she reached out for the door knob and entered the house. Every instinct in her body told her to look up. She did. Her eyes landed on the beautiful girl standing at the top of the staircase. Oblivious to the shock and fear pooling in her blue eyes. she went to her, a huge smile planted on her face, excitement coursing through her veins, its source the poison tainting her blood, rapidly spreading through her body, she felt only its affects. "I picked these for you."

Spencer cupped her hand blossoming with roses with both of hers, cradling it like something fragile.

The smile on her face only widened.

Pressure was applied, Spencer's grip firm around her flesh. She looked up and noticed she wasn't even looking at her. Her blue eyes were casted down the staircase. "Can you please get them out of here, Aiden."

"Yeah. Come on guys it's time to go."

"Aren't they beautiful?" Ashley was led down the hallway, the urgency of the situation lost on her. Spencer opened the bathroom door and she was pulled inside with her. "Aren't they beautiful, Spenny?"

"Yes." She finally got the answer she wanted and gorgeous blue eyes to herself. Spencer looked into her face, a smile spreading across her lips. "Give them to me." Her soft voice commanded and she did. Releasing them from her tight grasp, she looked down and noticed the blood for the first time, drowning her hand in its red thickness.

There wasn't anything alarming about the sight.

She bled all the time.

"I told you, Spenny." Spencer carefully took the roses from her, leaving thorns in the palm of her hand. Her wrist was taken and placed under lukewarm water. She looked up into her face. "I said I was going to get you roses from next door and I did." Spencer's eyes wouldn't meet hers, they stayed casted down as she carefully pulled each thorn from her numb flesh. "Aren't you happy I didn't leave?"

Spencer looked at her and her eyes followed the single tear sliding down her face. She stopped smiling looking into her blue eyes. The roses were supposed to make her happy. Why was she crying? "You're sad?" She unconsciously sniffled, her nose a bit itchy.

She shook her head, a smile once again brightening her face. Ashley loved her smile, loved knowing she made her happy. It filled her with a sense belonging like she had a purpose on this earth after all. Her heart flipped in her chest as she leaned forward placing a gentle kiss on her lips. "I'm just happy." The blonde kissed her again, applying more pressure to her hand to stop the bleeding. "You make me so happy that sometimes I cry." Her free hand came up to her face. Ashley stood still, her eyes watching Spencer, feeling her gentle fingertips brush the skin below her nose. "There," She whispered her voice quivering. "All clean." Placing a gentle kiss at the tip of her nose, she looked away from her dilated eyes and focused on her hand. "Be still for me, I'm just going to bandage you up."

"Okay." Her eyes darted all over the room as she stood still waiting patiently for her to finish bandaging her hand. "You make me happy too." Another sniffle, she looked at Spencer and missed the way she paused, tensing up. "That's why I couldn't leave you because I didn't want to hurt you and make you think I was selfish and just wanted you for sex because I really really love you and I didn't want to break any promises even though I'm not really good at keeping them I want to keep them with you because I just don't want to lose you because you make me super happy and I've wanted you for as long as I can remember because you've always loved me and never hated me like my Mom but I guess it's a good thing she hates me because it won't hurt as bad when she dies like it did my Dad because I sometimes see him and he seems so real but he's not he's fake and it fucking sucks because I miss him so bad and then there's Micheal..." The words just stopped and she no longer stared at Spencer.

Her eyes stayed on the floor and only when she felt a gentle touch to her chin did she look up. Spencer once again cradled her hand like something precious, placing a lingering kiss on her knuckles, she whispered "All better," and gently pulled her smaller frame to her. Wrapping her arms around her, she gently kissed the tip of her nose again. "I love you."

Ashley smiled into her face loving the sweet kisses she placed on her forehead and cheeks. "I love you too." She whispered tilting her head, her dilated eyes hooded now, they never closed as their lips softly touched. Running her hands up and down Spencer's back, she lost herself in the kiss, running her tongue over her bottom lip- she stared confusedly into blue eyes as Spencer pulled away.

A smile and then a final kiss to the forehead. "Lets get some food into you."

Ashley immediately shook her head. "I'm not hungry."

"Have something to eat with me," Spencer kissed both sides of her face. "Please?" She asked gazing into her brown eyes, her blue soft, warm, inviting- how could she say no?

"Okay." Her hand was taken, fingers intertwined. Spencer led them out the bathroom and down the hall they went. Her eyes examined the walls around them, scanning the pictures. "There's you, Mrs. C, Glen, Mr. C, you, Glen, Mr. C, me, you again, Mr. C, Mrs. C, you, Glen." The pictures stopped. She turned her head and met blue but not the ones she loved.

"Is Glen here?" She turned to Spencer who asked the question.

"I just saw him not too long ago." She answered reaching up to play with the ends of her curly hair.

"Of course you did." She looked at Aiden and her hand unconsciously tightened around Spencer's. A terrible fear ripped through her. What if he said something about the guy who wanted to fuck her? About her being a whore? She would hate her and never want to see her again-

"Don't start."

Aiden looked at Spencer and did what he was told the warning in her tone and the soberness on her face telling him it wasn't a good time to pick on Ashley. "He just left." He answered the original question and kept quiet watching her look around the house.

"What a disaster."

"I'll take care of it." Aiden soothed and Spencer looked at him, surprise filling her features.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded taking another glance at Ashley "You have enough on your plate."

"Thank you."

Spencer led Ashley into the kitchen and he followed behind, needing a black trash bag. Reaching the sink, he continued watching them finding himself unable to stop. Spencer stepped inside the pantry and Ashley leaned against the door frame watching her every move. The blonde murmured something and Ashley laughed murmuring something back. Spencer kissed her cheek and ran her fingers through her bangs, total adoration on her face....love.

Aiden looked away and knelt down, grabbing a trash bag.

He walked out of the kitchen with more answers. A reality he didn't want to face. Phoenix. What she was doing....it wasn't going to end right. Ashley. She wasn't good for her. The brunette wasn't good for anyone. He picked up the trash on the floor mostly out of guilt. He hoped Ashley would just leave and never come back, be gone from Phoenix's good graces after his little talk.

That didn't happen.

Instead, she had to go do some stupid shit with Glen and make everything worst. Come back with flowers, he looked back at the entrance of the kitchen. Their voices were still hushed. Ashley was high and Phoenix didn't seem to give a fuck. She acted like everything was fine and dandy. His eyes went back to the trash. She needed to get rid of Ashley, not pull her closer. She used drugs and everyone knew it, including her. He sighed remembering the loving concern on her face, one he often saw her wear when Ashley was around. The brunette wasn't going anywhere, Phoenix wasn't going to listen.

She was in love.

Ashley lifted herself onto the counter top, taking a seat next to the stove. Spencer opened a large can of Campbells chicken noodle soup and empty its contents into a medium sized sauce pan. She couldn't stop staring at her body as she moved around the kitchen wearing a white tank top and pink Abercrombie sweat pants. A familiar throb started between her legs, its urgency intensified by the coke in her system. She imagined ripping the tank top off her girlfriend's body, hauling her onto the kitchen's island and fucking her with her tongue until she screamed her name, begging her to stop.

"Hey," A soft touch to the knee and the daydream was shattered. She turned her head. The blonde stood between her spread legs softly rubbing her thigh through green gym shorts. "Calm down." Her foot shook anxiously against the cupboards, she instantly stilled it. "That's better." Spencer wrapped her arms around her waist and placed her head on her chest. Right above her fast beating heart.

Ashley returned the embrace, wrapping her arms around her upper back rubbing the strong muscles there. "It smells good already."

"Are you hungry now?" The girl in her arms softly asked slipping her hands under her shirt and caressing warm skin.

An appetite simply didn't exist. She had no real desire to eat. Her eyes landed on the soup cooking on the stove. Spencer put a lot of work into feeding her. She didn't want to let her down. "I'm always hungry for chicken noodle soup."

Spencer chuckled softly at her imitation of the kid from the commercial. "It is your favorite next to Grilled Cheese and Spaghetti."

"Like some four year old." She nuzzled the blonde hair closest to her nose, stopping to smile against its softness. "I guess it runs in the family. My Dad's favorite was cereal. Fruity pebbles, Lucky Charms, Crunch Berries, Golden Grahams, Honeycomb- we should have cereal for desert."

"We have marshmallows." Spencer mused moving one of her hands from the warmth of her back to the ends of her curly hair. "How does rice krispie treats sound?"

"Wonderful." She hummed against her soft hair. "In fact," She playfully drawled out. "I'm so ready to marry you."

Spencer chuckled tilting her head up to meet her gaze. "Is that all it takes to get a life time commitment out of you?" Smiling, Ashley nodded and dropped her head. Their lips met softly, the right side of her face cupped by a warm hand. "We'll make Raife proud," She murmured against her lips. "And use ring pops," Spencer pulled away and leaned her forehead against hers running her fingertips down her jaw. "Like last time."

"You remember that?"

"Of course." She ran her fingers through her curly hair. "How can I forget my wedding day?"

"**What's the emergency, Angel? You're draggin me like there's a fire." **

**Ashley gripped tightly onto her father's hand, leading him out the backyard door. "Daddy, Spenny and I have something very important to tell you." She stopped walking when reaching the diving board. Spencer sat cross legged staring up at them. "We want to get married."**

**His brown eyes widened in shock as he turned his attention to the adorable little blonde. "You want to marry her?!" He asked pointing to his little girl. Spencer giggled and nodded her head enthusiastically. "Sunshine I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into-" He stopped talking when noticing the glare his daughter was giving him. "Okay, okay. But you gotta have the rings, right?" Both girls looked at each other sort of confused. "There can't be a wedding without rings." He looked down at his Ozzy Osbourne T shirt and ripped jeans. "And one of us needs a tie cause ya can't have a wedding without someone in a tie." He pointed to himself. "I'll wear the tie, you two just stay right here in your swim suits and I'll be right back."**

**The two girls didn't have to wait long for him to return. He came walking outside with a tie and two ring pops in his hand. "Now we're ready to party." He placed the candy down on a nearby lounge chair and scooped his daughter up in his arms. "Stand up Sunshine." She did was she told and was scooped up by his other arm. He stepped onto the diving board and walked to the edge, turning his attention to Ashley. "Do you take sunshine to be your wife forever and ever through sniffles and bad jokes?" **

"**I do."  
**

**He looked at the little blonde. "And you, Sunshie? Do you take this little brat-" A pinch to the shoulder changed his tone. "I mean this beautiful little princess to be your wife forever and ever until you turn wrinkly and gray like me?"**

**She giggled. "I do." **

"**Awesome, you girls are married. You may now high five the bride." They high fived and were thrown into the pool a second later. Spencer and Ashley reemerged laughing and swam to the edge. "Here are your rings." They each took the candy and quickly opened the colorful packages. **

"**Daddy does this mean my last name is Carlin now?" Ashley asked around the diamond shaped candy in her mouth. **

"**Is mine Davies?" Spencer asked right after. **

**The brunette looked at her. "We have to have the same last name." **

"**I want Davies." **

**She frowned. "I wanted to be Carlin." **

"**Woah, woah, woah, girls you can't start fighting now." He laughed taking a seat at the edge of the pool. "You don't even have a mortgage yet!" He pointed to Ashley. "You're going to be Ashley Carlin-Davies," He moved his finger to Spencer. "And you're going to be**

"Spencer Carlin-Davies."

A soft smile graced her lips. "I loved the name so much I started using it in school. Of course Ms. Adams called my parents and they weren't too happy about it. My Mom made me stop."

"If she could see us now." Ashley murmured a smile playing at the corner of her lips. "Or last night."

"She'd castrate you." Dropping her head onto her shoulder, she began playing with the dark material of her shirt. "And send me away to some bible school in Alaska."

"You mean a place where it's actually cold in December?" She mocked horror. "The bitch." She laughed softly against her neck, Ashley smiled holding her tighter against her. "I would follow you, build us a nice little igloo on top of a mountain somewhere. I can't guarantee it'll be as nice as your door but I'm sure we'll be just as happy in each other's arms."

"That's a given." She whispered nuzzling against her warm neck. "I'm always happy in your arms."

"Don't mind me." Aiden announced stepping into the kitchen. "I'm just getting another bag." His eyes stayed casted down, avoiding them, his discomfort obvious. Ashley released her hold on Spencer and hopped off the counter top.

"I actually make a decent maid." He opened a new trash bag and finally looked up. Spencer stood turning off the stove. He shot a glance over his shoulder and noticed Ashley at the table. "If only Justin were here to see his Domestic Goddess at work."

"Cleaning would be the last thing on your mind if Justin were here." The blonde shot him a playful smile. "Want some soup?"

"Sure." Placing the bag on the counter top, he moved to her side and helped grab plates. "And I wouldn't do anything inside your parents home. I have more class than that." He paused. "Now outside. in my car. on the driveway is a different story."

The cuticles around her nail were ripped out as she stared down at the table top, not seeing anything as she drifted far far away into her own thoughts. The cocaine's affects had worn off leaving her down, very down. She felt like shit, talking wasn't going to happen, what was the point? No one wanted to hear what she had to say, she didn't even care for her meaningless opinions. She dropped her hand and stared down at the bandage wrapped around the palm.

Blood stained.

She must have really fucked it up for it to still bleed. There were light scratches up her arm as well. Her eyes moved away, sick of her body, and gazed out into the living room. She needed a cigarette or a couple of shots. Who was she kidding? She needed more coke to feel better.

"Here," She looked at the bowl being placed in front of her and then moved her gaze up. "Thanks." Flashing Spencer a small smile, she looked back down. Food. She didn't want any but picked up the spoon and forced the warm liquid down her throat anyway, listening to Spencer and Aiden go on and on about school and the team. Ashley tuned it all out. She didn't really care, nothing but one obsessive thought mattered. She needed more and next time she planned on doing 5 maybe 6 lines because 4 just wasn't enough.

She wanted to feel more.

She needed to feel better.

Pushing the chair back, Ashley stood up and grabbed the empty bowl of soup. "It was amazing. Thank you." She told Spencer before walking to the sink. Her mind was unfocused and anxious as she washed the dish thinking of every way possible to slip into Glen's room without being noticed. "I'm going to the bathroom." She casually announced walking out of the kitchen.

The paranoia followed closely behind.

Walking through the living room, she felt the eyes on her, staring and judging, she swore she heard someone whisper coke head and snapped her head to the right, expecting to see Alexis where she was earlier but found no one. Her heart still raced, it never stopped and she idly wondered if today would be the day it finally exploded in her chest, killing her instantly. The thought didn't scare her. She kept going, walking down the hallway, the bathroom was ignored.

She walked into Glen room's instead.

Eight lines later, she crossed the threshold with a more confident swagger. She was simply flawless. Everything felt good, the temperature of the house was perfect, not too hot not too cold. She felt like singing but grinned instead, a million different song lyrics shooting through her head at once. When I think about love, I don't think about a bright moon, twinkling stars, red wine, silent whispers, holding hands, secret loveletters- I wanna be screwed by you, but anyone else will do, I wanna be screwed by you and you and you and you....! I feel it now all through the day, I have to try it in every way, yes I'll have it long and tough, I don't mind if it's hard and rough-Darling come here,fuck me up the...

"Ashley," She turned around feeling the hands on her hips burn right through her clothing. "There's no music playing." There was confusion on her beautiful face, Ashley simply grinned and draped her arms loosely around her neck, moving against her. "Who says you need music to dance?" The truth was she heard music blaring loudly in her head, pulsating all through her body. The hands stayed on her hips and she pulled Spencer closer, pressing her lips against her ear. "I really really wish Aiden would leave."

Spencer jerked back and stared strangely into her face. "You watched him leave." She must have seemed clueless because she went on to say, "You even said goodbye to him. He offered to drive you home and you said you'd rather spend another night with me. Ashley it just happened."

The room began spinning in fast circles, Spencer's words going in one ear and out the other. She closed her eyes and buried her face into the blonde's neck, holding onto her for dear life. She was falling at a fast rate, so fast she'd splatter if she hit the ground, splatter to her death and for some reason she didn't want to die. She wanted to live and to breathe and to be with Spencer forever and ever through sniffles and bad jokes. "I'm sooooo fucked." She groaned into her skin. "So so fucked."

Double her last fix was beginning to be a bad idea, and at the same time, she felt like she didn't snort enough. Her body wasn't soaring into euphoric bliss. It was still on earth and she felt all of its bullshit. She didn't want to be there anymore and if she were in her right mind she'd realize she couldn't feel anything more than anxiety. She had to constantly be moving, she couldn't sit still, her hands needed to do something. "God, it feels," Like hell, like her lungs could stop at any moment, every nerve in her body stood on edge, waiting for this big thing to happen. It was torture. "So good."

Her eyes opened and she was staring into Spencer's eyes. "I'm worried about you." Her hand reached for her, running her fingers through her bangs, caressing the side of her face- Ashley looked down and realized they were lying on the couch instead of standing like she originally thought.

"I'm fine." She closed her eyes and leaned heavily against Spencer, melting into her body. She felt her heart beating against hers and tilted her head up, kissing warm skin. "I'm great." Spencer's finger's messaged her scalp and caressed ringlets of soft curls, soothing her body. "Perfect." Ashley kissed her again becoming obsessed with a new thought. She couldn't stop counting her heartbeats, and finally, at 393, she fell asleep.

"Wake up lesbos."

The words entered her ear and she barely heard them through the pounding in her head, it took her foggy mind a minute to understand exactly who said what. A groaned escaped her slightly parted lips as she nuzzled deeper into Spencer's embrace. Her head was going to explode.

"Mom and Dad come home tomorrow. This place needs to be spotless because I don't need to hear anymore of their shit."

"Then get to work, Ass." Despite the immense pain in her head, Ashley smirked at her little Spenny's spiteful remark. Her and Glen, at one time, were pretty close but of course, they grew apart and constantly fought now.

"We all can't be gay in this family." He retorted with the barest hint of a slur in his speech. "I'll leave the feather dusting to you dykes."

Spencer attempted to get up and with energy she normally didn't have after a coke binge, she placed a hand on her upper arm, stilling her movements. "It's the drugs talking." Ashley opened her eyes, the light in the room intensifying the pain in her head. She fought back another groan staring up into furious blue eyes. "Just ignore him." It happened often enough, Glen would get high and bad mouth every and anything he came across. "We'll clean up," Her eyes closed and she buried her face in Spencer's neck again. "Like the good little dykes we are."

"Good."

"I can't stand him."

The pain in her head stopped being important as she propped herself up on an elbow, gazing into Spencer's face. "Forget him. He's not worth the stress" She ran her fingers through her blonde hair and leaned over, placing a light kiss on her lips. "Besides, how would you explain a bruised and bleeding brother to your parents?"

She smiled despite her anger. "PMS."

Ashley chuckled and regretted it as a sharp pain ripped through her head. Her eyes snapped shut and she groaned as her head fell back onto the couch. Spencer said something about medicine but the rest of her words were cut off by the throbbing in her head. A soft kiss to the temple and the warm body next to hers was gone.

Ashley turned over on her back, eyes clamped shut. She felt like she'd just been hit by a bus whose driver hated her guts and put the thing in reverse just to hit her all over again. The cocaine, it almost always did this to her, but she never had to deal with it long. Another line, a couple vodka shots, and a cigarette later she was cured.

But that wasn't an option now.

She was going to play by Spencer's rules and use Spencer's drugs to make her feel better. Drugs that did nothing more than fix her instead of destroy her. She deserved all the pain in the world for sneaking off in the first place, but Spencer wasn't the type to sit there and let her suffer. "Can you sit up for me?" She nodded and did what she was told.

Keeping her eyes closed, she opened her mouth and felt a small pill placed at the tip of her tongue. She drank it down with the water pressed to her lips and lied down slightly groaning when finished. "I'll be right back." She brushed her fingers through her bangs and placed a kiss to her brow, leaving Ashley alone with her worst enemy, she stood up and walked away.

I should have left, her eyes opened and she turned her head. Spencer doesn't need this shit. The digital clock on the cable box told her the time. 7:05 at night. She couldn't believe she slept the day away. It took her the next day to fall asleep after snorting coke, sometimes she spent hours pacing back and forth. Her exhausted body begging for sleep and her fucked up mind demanding she stay awake, filling her head with a million thoughts per second. And now, it was all done, the few moments of feeling like a rock star dead replaced with regret, guilt, and sadness. She was worthless, a waste of space, a girl not even a mother could love. What was she doing there?

"I have a surprise for you."

Ashley pretended to not hear a word, staying completely still for a couple of seconds, until her conscious spoke up. Stop being a little bitch and at least pretend to be interested. "Gimme gimme." She lifted her eyes and noticed the subtle excitement pooling in her blue. She forced a smile and took the hand being offered to her.

Spencer helped her off the couch and planted a firm kiss on her lips. "I've been thinking of ways to help you feel better." She placed her hands on her shoulders, and with a quick reassuring smile, urged her to turn around. "A hot tea with lemon and honey," She wrapped her arms over her shoulders and led her to the staircase, talking softly in her ear the whole way up. "A soothing message," They walked down the hallway, "A nice warm bath." and only stopped when reaching the entrance of the bathroom. Her breath caught in her throat and for some reason, she wanted to cry. "And then I decided to go with all three," She was urged inside the room and heard the door close behind them. "Because I love you," She placed a kiss on her neck. "And you deserve it."

The room was warm and steamy from the water filling the spacious but not overly huge bathtub. A cup of tea sat in the corner of the tub, a slice of lemon floating on top the dark liquid. She felt Spencer's lips on her neck once more as her arms left her body. Ashley faced her and opened her mouth ready to protest, she didn't deserve any of this, it was too much, but she didn't get a word out. A finger was placed over her lips, "Just shut up and let me undress you." Spencer playfully cooed dipping her head and replacing her finger with her lips.

Ashley didn't resist, just closed her eyes and kissed her back. Spencer's hand ran over her hair and cupped the back of her head, deepening the kiss- "The water," She quickly pulled back and rushed over to the tub.

Ashley watched her turn the two knobs off and grabbed the hem of her shirt, about to take it off when she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. The roses she had picked earlier. She walked to the sink, took off her bandage, and grabbed the head of one. "We can't forget the finishing touch." She threw the red petals into the water and faced Spencer.

The blonde shot her a smile and she closed the distance between them. "This is wonderful." Gently grasping onto her hips, she urged the blonde back against the bathroom wall murmuring 'thank you' before taking her lips in a heated kiss.

Tongues danced and they moaned into each other's mouths. Spencer slipped under her T shirt, her nails grazing up and down her sides. riding the dark material up her abdomen. She shivered breaking the kiss and lifted her arms for Spencer, allowing her to pull the shirt up and off her body. "Did I do that?" She breathlessly inquired her eyes glued to her left shoulder.

Ashley turned her head and noticed the dark bruise staining her skin. Recalling all the sucking and nipping she did there, "It's hot." She looked into the face of her mortified friend and placed her hands back on her hips, pulling her closer. "It's hot." She softly repeated kissing her lips.

"Does it hurt?" Spencer mumbled against her lips, concern plainly written on her face.

She shook her head smiling as her teeth playfully nipped at her bottom lip. "I love you." She grabbed the bottom of her tank top. "And the marks you leave on my body." She worked the shirt up her abs, over her chest, and pulled it off her. "I want everyone to know I'm taken." She reached behind her back and undid her bra, "And they can't have me." Pulling it down her arms, her eyes never leaving her face as she added, "Because I'm yours."

Spencer leaned forward and kissed her again, smiling against her lips as she softly moaned feeling their nipples brush. The blonde's fingertips moved down the front of her body, running over her breasts, trailing down her abdomen and sliding into the waistband of her gym shorts. Euphoric bliss, her mind murmured as Spencer moved her lips along her jaw, down her neck. Cocaine didn't compare to Spencer. To feeling her body against hers, her lips driving her made with desire.

Her fingers found the softness of Spencer's hair as her tongue trailed down the valley of her breasts. The pain in her head long forgotten as moaned feeling Spencer tease her nipple with her mouth, using her tongue to flick the hardened bud into a frenzy, her fingers teasing the delicate skin just beneath the waistband of her shorts. "Jesus," She groaned feeling her mouth move to the other breast, showering the little bud with multiple swipes of her tongue.

"Sounds like you're ready for mass." Slowly, the gym shorts were pushed down her hips and trailed down her legs, leaving goosebumps along her smooth skin.

"I'm sorry father for I have sinned." She breathlessly teased practicing her next confession. "Her name is Spencer Carlin and she seduced me with her wicked lesbian ways."

"Are you complaining?"

Ashley shook her head and closed her eyes, her fingers buried in blonde hair as Spencer kissed down her stomach, teasing her skin with her tongue and lips. She was too turned on to feel insecure, and that was the beauty of being with Spencer, she mused feeling her fingers tease the sensitive skin of her inner thighs, making her quiver and sigh. She made her feel normal, beautiful and nothing like the rape victim coke whore she saw in the mirror.

The little girl who lost her virginity at twelve simply didn't exist and it felt good to breathe.

"Spencer," She panted begging for more, her body demanding it.

"Hmm?" The blonde hummed placing light kisses all over her moist inner thighs.

She groaned noticing her blue eyes, dark with desire, peering up at her as she teased her delicate skin with her mouth. "I need you," Desperation soaked her husky voice, she needed to cum. "I mean you don't have to eat me out or anything you can just-" Her lips brushed against her and she lost all ability to speak coherently. Her hand stayed buried in blonde hair enjoying the soft warmth against her hand. "Spencer." She groaned deeply, the blonde's tongue teasing her outer lips.

"You taste good."

The playfulness in her twinkling eyes brought a smile to her flushed face. "Don't even think about stopping."

"You're so wet," She tilted her head to the side, "Are you always so easily aroused?"

Inhaling sharply, her head fell back and her eyes rolled into the back of their sockets feeling her fingers brush against her drenched sex, right above an aching clit. "Only for you," She moaned. "So take whats yours."

She didn't let her down.

Replacing her fingers with her mouth, Ashley trembled. a soft moan escaping her as Spencer's tongue slipped between her lips. Moving against the tongue blissfully assaulting her clit, her hips jerked on their own accord and she couldn't stop making noise to save her life. Breathless sighs and needy moans filled the room, at one point her knees nearly buckled sending her to the ground, but she kept it together, and at the same time, it felt so much like falling apart, losing control of her body, she moaned again, Spencer's name as she sucked on her clit, and then, as her tongue lapped hungrily at the sensitive bud, she came hard into her mouth, and nearly died when she kept going, swallowing everything she had to offer, humming against her the entire time. "I can't stand anymore." Her legs trembled all over and she was weak at the knees.

With Spencer's help, she reached the edge of the tub and took a seat. The blonde removed the rest of her clothing and took a seat next to her, drawing an arm around her shoulders, Ashley leaned against her and focused on getting her body back under control. Small tremors continued to wrack her small frame as Spencer placed several kiss on the crown of her head, "Was it good?"

"Very." She moaned against her chest, opening her eyes. They landed on a taunt pink nipple. Placing her hand on frim abs, she trailed her fingers up- her wrist was taken. Ashley looked up.

"The water's going to get cold." Spencer stood up and urged her along with her. Ashley stumbled and would have fallen if she hadn't been there to catch her. Surprise filled her blue eyes. "That good?"

She buried her face in her neck and groaned, mostly out of embarrassment. "Yes," She kissed the naked skin under her nose. "You were that good."

Ashley followed Spencer into the tub and settled across from her, sighing in contentment as she melted into its warm bliss. "Come here." Spencer reached for her hand under water. "I want to give you that message."

Smiling, Ashley turned around and settled back between her spread legs. "You're erotic service was more than enough."

"You're just so irresistible I can't seem to keep my hands off you." Spencer teased moving her hair aside and placing a tender kiss to the nape of her neck. "I find any excuse to touch you."

Her fingers dug into the muscles of her back. Ashley closed her eyes and groaned. "This one has to be my favorite." She grunted and leaned further back into her touch. "You'll love how I repay you."

"Something tells me it won't come in the form of paper."

She smiled. "Paper isn't much of an option. I spent all my money on those beautiful roses."

The hands stilled on her back. "And how much was that?"

"It doesn't matter." Ashley turned just enough to plant a kiss on her shocked face. "You're worth every penny."

"I'll pay you back." She kissed her again, this time on soft lips.

"You already did." Another kiss. "Message was worth at least a million and then there was the erotic service-"

"Ashley I'm serious-"

"So am I." With a smile, she kissed her chin and then the side of her face. "You're worth it." Spencer gave up arguing and simply dipped her head, placing a lingering kiss on her forehead.

Ashley leaned back against her, her head coming to rest on her shoulder. "Remember the last bath we took together?" She said after a moment of silence.

Spencer's arms wrapped around her waist and she felt her chin come to rest at the top of her head. "We were 8 years old at your house and it was after we got out of the pool." She chuckled against her curly hair. "That poor maid coming in there with a mop looking completely helpless and scared to death."

"She had every right to be." I'm surprised my mom didn't kill me right then and there. "We flooded that bathroom and drenched the new carpet in my parent's room." She softly smiled at the memory. "But the bubbles were fun."

"I told you to turn off the water." Spencer murmured against her ear. "You just wouldn't listen"

Ashley turned her head. "I thought it'd be like playing in a waterfall if it overflowed."

"I'm sorry, Ash." Spencer lovingly cupped her face with a soft chuckle. "But It wasn't anything like a waterfall."

Ashley turned in her arms and dipped her her head kissing her softly as she straddled her. "I promise next time it'll be a real waterfall." She kissed her again, deeper this time and suckled her bottom lip as she broke the kiss. "And we'll write our initials somewhere," Her tone was hushed, breathless. "And it'll be ours."

"Mmm, build a nice little house next to it." Spencer murmured against her lips. "Give the grandkids something out of a fairytale to play in."

"Equipped with a unicorn," Ashley smiled taking her lips in another kiss. "And princess with ridiculously long hair they can climb up to their rooms with."

"Ohh, we'll be the coolest grannies on the block." Spencer cupped the back of her head and brought her lips down for another kiss. It was playful at first, both girls chuckling between kisses, mostly nuzzling their lips together, and then hands began to roam, and their chuckles turned into sighs, the nuzzling stopped being enough and desperation took over. Ashley's hand slid up Spencer's abdomen and cupped her left breast as the other hand moved south. "So much better than paper." She breathlessly whispered closing her eyes, her hands roaming up and down Ashley's back.

"I know the feeling." The brunette murmured against the softness of her neck, teasing her inner thighs with one hand and her nipple with the other. "We should end every day like this."

"Mmhmm," Spencer hummed her approval. "I would love to spend every day with you," She moaned digging her nails into her skin as her fingers gently stroked her.

"Does the offer to live in your closet still stand?" Nipping at the hollow of her throat, she trailed her lips down her chest, kissing away the many droplets of water as her thumb teased a highly sensitive clit.

"Too...good..for closet."

"Oh yeah." Ashley moved up and captured her lips, kissing her deeply as she moved back against her hand, crying out into her mouth. They kissed until Spencer could do nothing more than pant furiously against her lips, her hand taking her higher and higher. She trembled all over raking her nails down her back as a soundless scream escaped her.

Ashley kissed the sides of her face, forehead, chin and lips while softly teasing her with her fingers, creating new waves of pleasure to wash over her. She finally stopped feeling her hand wrap around her wrist. "No more," Her breathless voice begged. Kissing her cheek, Ashley complied and wrapped her arms around her trembling lover. Nipping lightly at her earlobe, she whispered 'I love you' several times as she slowly came back to earth.

Spencer turned her head and rubbed their noses together whispering, "I love you too."


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Sorry for the delay everyone. I just want to thank everyone for reading and the feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll do my best to make sure i never make you all wait this long again. I've just been busy with life. Anyway, I'm so sorry and I hope you enjoy the next chapter. :D

Slightly disoriented, Ashley blinked and looked around the room.

Spencer's bedroom.

A small smile threatened to shape her lips but she stopped it, lying completely still as the warm arms around her tightened, embracing her more thoroughly. Spencer slept soundly spooned against her back, breathing softly near her ear. She loved waking up to the blonde and it was abnormal for her to love waking up at all. Normally she'd start the morning swallowing, snorting, or smoking something before brushing her teeth. The rest of the day would be a daze and then forgotten the next morning. None of her days were ever worth remembering, but she didn't want to forget today or yesterday or even he day before, wanting those memories and the new ones they'd make today.

The zune dock's alarm went off, Ashley stared at it hearing a soft groan from behind. She could no longer contain a smile as the blonde held her tighter, burying her face into her neck. "Make the sun go down." She drowsily pleaded, the words muffled against her skin.

Ashley placed a hand over the one on her stomach, caressing the soft skin. "Don't you love the sunshine, Sunshine?"

The blonde weakly chuckled. "Not when it keeps me from you."

Ashley rolled over until she was on her back. "I'm right here," She reached up and brushed her fingers through blonde bangs gazing into her lover's sleepy face with a playful smile. "So take me."

Spencer bent down and she easily accepted a tender kiss placed on her lips. "We have school." With an affectionate smile, she placed a finger over her lips. "And no, we can't skip. Exams start today, remember?"

The brunette playfully kissed the digit pressed against her sealed lips "How can I after all the studying we did?"

Spencer shook her head becoming more awake, the sleepiness in her eyes replaced with a playful excitement. There was also joy etched noticeably on her features and it was obvious she wasn't the only one who enjoyed waking up this morning. "_I _studied. _You_ just lied here watching me."

She smiled, a genuine happy one that didn't exist anywhere else. "Reading is the last thing I want to do with you in the room."

"And what's the first?" The blonde asked affectionately running the back of her knuckles down the left side of her face.

Her hand, which rested comfortably on the small of Spencer's back, ran up capturing a bare wrist. Ashley smiled into her lover's blue eyes moving up to take her lips in a searing kiss, their mouths never parting as she rolled over, pinning the blonde underneath her. "Begging," She panted against her lips, kissing her more softly.

Spencer giggled running her fingers through waves of curly hair. "Begging for what?"

Ashley smiled against a soft pair of lips. "Another day with you." She nipped at her bottom lip, gazing into her eyes. "Not at school."

"We can't." The blonde's forehead came to rest on hers shaking her head from side to side, their noses brushing against each other, their eyes locked, she murmured again, "We can't."

Mondays. She hated Mondays. She hated all the week days. "I know." She forced a smile and pecked her girlfriend's lips, allowing it to linger as she held her close. "But it'd be nice."

The chrome colored door opened and a flip flop was first to step out followed by the rest of a petite frame. The teenager took a couple steps away from the car and closed the door. Glancing down at her body, examining the light blue cami and jeans; she swiped a hand through her curly hair and turned her head, meeting the happy face of her beautiful girlfriend. "I look like an Old Navy Model."

Spencer smiled at the random outburst and took her hand as they walked to the quad. "And what exactly are you trying to say about my style?"

"That it's hot on you and.." With dark shades covering her eyes, she tightened her grasp on the hand holding hers feeling a sudden wave of paranoia destroy her relaxed mood. "Different on me." She finished masking her discomfort with a lop sided grin.

Everyone's eyes were on them watching their every move, waiting, wondering, and turning to their friends to point them out.

The urge to look over her shoulder was strong imagining someone whispered 'dykes.' She ignored it and focused on the girl walking her through hell.

None of it was real.

Her mind loved fucking with her, sober or high, it didn't matter. Paranoia was beginning to be a close friend of hers, making daily visits, sometimes brief, sometimes long, lasting into the night, keeping her from the delicious escape of sleep, something she didn't get very much of, and when she did, there were usually nightmares that followed.

"Different?" Spencer tilted her head and with an appreciative gaze raked over her body. "You're right." A look of mock concern painted her features and she cooed, "You're beautiful body is fully clothed." A goofy smile sprawled over her lips and she leaned over placing a brief innocent kiss on her cheek. Ashley tensed and her eyes moved quickly to the left and then right making sure no one saw. "Don't worry, you still look amazing."

"But you're wrong." She corrected pointing to her mostly bare shoulder, a thin strap weakly covering the skin there. "I'm still showing some skin."

Spencer immediately blushed at the sight. "You should have picked the one with the sleeves." She murmured facing straight ahead with an almost shy smile on her face.

"It's not too late." Her low voice responded turning to look at the shirt with the sleeves.

"What?" The blonde playfully inquired. "Want me to take it off right here and hand it over?"

"You're boyfriend wouldn't like that too much." Their hands were separated as a tall muscular boy wedged himself between their walking bodies wrapping his arms around their shoulders; he looked at Spencer with a arch in his brow. "Do I want to know what I walked in on?"

"Our plans to fuck in the bathroom." His head snapped in her direction and she was reminded of how much she disliked his shocked face. "It was a joke." As subtly as she could, she slipped from underneath his arm and simply walked next to the 'happy' couple.

Phoenix. She officially stepped into the presence of the popular, gorgeous, 'girlfriend' of Aiden Dennison, the moment her Porsche pulled onto campus. Her eyes flickered over to them. They were perfect, everyone loved them, predicting they'd be together forever because of how beautiful, talented, and happy they were. Little did everyone know, they were bullshit.

They were gay.

A teenage boy, William who was also on the team took the empty space next to the blonde and began chatting it up about practice. Turning her head, she tuned them out and unconsciously wondered if she ever did anything with him. Or maybe he was there when that other asshole bragged about fucking her. Of course, he wasn't the only jock she fucked. There was a whole list of them out there. Names were never exchanged and they all started to look a like after a while, she had no idea who fucked her or who knew, and she really didn't care.

The drugs were worth it.

Shooting another glance at the beautiful blonde, she questioned her place in her girlfriend's life. The one she led so deceivingly well. The play that was her school life. Spencer played lead actress and Ashley felt like the person back stage. The one who pulled the ropes or worked the lights- the person in the background.

But even she had to admit; It was for the best.

She was a whore and Spencer was the best player on an all boy's basketball team. Straight A's, perfect attendance- the girl who could do everything, the one person who ever gave her anything worth owning, her heart handed to her raw and beating, strong and filled with love.

Ashley wasn't sure what to do with it outside in the real world.

She wasn't anything like Phoenix. They were different on many different levels and no one would look at them and think they were perfect for each other, not like her and Aiden.

The thought didn't sit well with her.

She didn't understand what so many people saw in the tall dark haired boy.

Then again,

She never gave him much of a fair chance.

Ever since 6th grade, when he moved into her neighborhood, from their first encounter in front of his house, standing beside her little blonde friend, seeing the amazement in her eyes as he did some trick on his skateboard- she always had this fear of him. That he'd take Spencer away from her and like the stupid teenagers in so many cliché movies; they'd end up falling in love, becoming the most enviable couple in high school, and one day get married living a boring traditional lifestyle with Spencer playing housewife and Mommy while Aiden's job required him to come home at night in a business suit, walking through the front door pecking his wife's lips before taking a seat at the dinner table where the food Spencer slaved over a hot stove over lied on a beautiful custom made table cloth.

For awhile she was convinced her worst nightmare was slowly coming true, especially when they started dating. She couldn't stand the sight of them and wished on more than one occasion it was her holding Spencer's hand, kissing her, making her smile and not him. Of course, her anger towards them was short lived when she found out the truth.

**The drugs that night was amazing. Ashley wasn't too sure what exactly was in her system; her vision techni color, her heart steadily beating, she felt her body vibrate from the rhythm; she was perfect. Life was amazing and she owned the world. At the top, she looked down and laughed; she was above everyone else at a stupid fair Glen insisted they go check out. At first, she had no desire to go and then he whipped something out of his pocket, something small, see through and filled with an off white powder.**

**A cocktail he explained piquing her interest. **

**A variety of different pills crushed up and placed in a small glass vessel. **

**It was magic. Every second high was bliss in its purest form. She never wanted to come down, and she didn't. Snorting it throughout the evening, she only paid short brief visits to reality, hearing things she didn't care for, she burrowed back into her mind, to **_**her **_**reality. One she would easily give her life for, the risk was worth it, the possibilities of a heart attack or stroke never present in her mind when she snorted more than what was safe. **

**Fuck safety. **

"**I've never done this before." A deep voice floated from somewhere nearby. She wasn't sure who the owner was or why he was with her or where they were going, but she kept walking with him in the darkness. If she were sober she'd realize they were heading to the darkest part of the fair littered with dumpsters and unused props. **

**They were the only ones in the area. **

"**Done," She sniffled hard for the thousandth time that night and lost her balance but quickly recovered on her own and avoided falling flat on her face. "Done what?"**

"**Pay to have someone do stuff to me."**

**The words snapped her out of the beautiful world she strolled wonderfully through, one that existed only to her, and she found herself backed up against something cold, the smell around them revolting; a familiar scent of shit and every day trash- Ashley made out his features and with dilated pupils watched his face near hers; she turned away from him, "Don't." She murmured as he jerked his head back.**

**His nervous, almost shy, inexperienced demeanor vanished, replaced with a harsh coldness. "I gave Glen two hundred dollars for this and he promised I wouldn't get ripped off." His hand came up and roughly cupped her jaw. "You're going to let me kiss you, okay?"**

**Closing her eyes, she relaxed against the dumpster. His lips bluntly pressed against hers, every muscle in her body tensing all over again, she closed her hands in tight fists, the nails of her thumbs digging into the palm of her hands as he touched her all over. And like a God send, she mentally fled the scene and was back on her peaceful stroll though la la land where everything was perfect.**

**An abrupt noise nearby brought her back to the fair and panic swept through her. Pushing the body tightly pressed against her, she turned her head. Turning the corner of a different dumpster, she immediately made out one of the two people who were now eagerly making out. Fueled by anger, she stalked toward them ignoring the fuming boy following behind, a million different thoughts rushing through her head. **

**What the fuck was he doing there? **

**With strength only drugs and anger provided, she grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him off the other- guy??!! Her eyes widened and she snapped her head to an equally freaked out Aiden. "You fucking bastard!" She lashed out at him losing all control, her fists beating at his much larger body in an angry frenzy. "You mother fucker I'll fucking kill you for doing this to her!" **

**With help from Aiden's 'friend', she was pulled off him and held tightly by her wrists. "Let me fucking go!" She screamed struggling against a strong body. **

"**Calm the fuck down." The dark haired boy ordered wiping blood from the corner of his lips. **

**  
"Why? So you can fucking cheat on her some more?" Her efforts were renewed as the words left her mouth and every fiber in her body yearned to give him what he deserved. "I'll make you pay so fucking bad, I swear I'll rip off your fucking balls and shove them down your throat you pathetic excuse for a fucking man."**

"**I didn't pay to see a fight." An irritated voice floated through the night air meeting her ears. She froze watching Aiden's eyes widen and then flicker away from hers, landing on him. **

"**What did you pay for?" He curiously asked breaking the silence.**

"**What do you think?" The boy replied sounding angry and out of patience. He looked back at Ashley. "I paid for her pussy and I'm waiting to have it. So are you ready?"**

"**No." She answered money being the last thing on her mind. "Go ask Glen for a refund. I'm done."**

"**That's bullshit!" **

"**I think you better leave." His blue eyes scanned over his much smaller frame. He'd easily take the boy down and his stance told him so. Her 'customer' looked ready to argue, and after sizing up Aiden, and murmuring a 'fuck this' he turned around in an angry huff and walked away. **

**Turning his head, blue eyes landed on the much bigger body keeping Ashley restrained. His gaze softened. "You should leave too." **

**With a short nod, the muscular Latino released Ashley and awkwardly left the two alone. **

**Aiden looked back at the quiet girl in front of him. Her arms were folded around herself as she leaned heavily back against the dumpster, staring at the ground. "I'm not the only one with a secret-" **

**Her brown eyes snapped over to his blue, fuming. "I'm not the one cheating-"**

"**Neither am I." Aiden cut her off and before she could say another word added, "I'm gay and she knows I'm gay and like the good person she is, she's decided to help me out by pretending to be my girlfriend so when some straight girl asks me out I can tell her I'm taken. Now what's your fucking excuse?" He sounded disgusted and it was his turn to be angry. He knew how much Ashley meant to Spencer. She held the curly haired girl high up on a pedestal. **

**He never understood why. **

**She was a bitch as far as he was concerned.**

**A warm rush washed over her and her eyes fluttered shut, a lazy smile sprawling over her lips; she felt really good all of a sudden and nothing could bring her down. Not even Aiden who softly said her name and then cursed it a second later. "You're fucked out of your mind, aren't you?" No, nothing about her was fucked. She was perfect in every sense of the word. Life was amazing. She shook her head from side to side. "Is that why you do it? To pay for your...drugs?"**

"**What?" His words entered her mind jumbled together and too fast for her to understand. "Oh yeah." She quickly added realizing what he was asking and at this point all she wanted to do was be honest about everything because life was too good to lie and everything was amazing and everyone loved her.**

"**God, if she ever found out..." He shook his head from side to side watching her head loll to the side before snapping straight up again. "You'd break her heart." She simply shrugged and looked away, staring into space with her glassy eyes. He wasn't going to let the worthless piece of trash in front of him do that to Phoenix. She was too good of a person to get hurt by some junkie whore who fucked guys for drug money. "If you really cared about her, you'd back the fuck off." He spoke sternly, loudly, and clearly- he wanted her to hear and understand every word. "Because if she found out her best friend who she loves so much sold her body for money- with her brother?- it'd fucking kill her. So do everyone a favor and spare her the pain of loving someone who obviously doesn't give a fuck about her." Ashley looked at him, a blank expression on her face, the lazy smile gone. "I won't tell her what I saw, but you have to promise you won't say anything about me to anyone else." He paused and then added, "And I want you stop hanging around her."**

**Despite her current state of mind, she heard and understood everything Aiden was asking. Spencer...they rarely talked anymore, but they still did, occasionally whenever they ran into each other. Ashley would do everything in her power to make sure she never realized how fucked she was and smiled a lot pretending everything in her life was fine and dandy- she never wanted her to find out the truth about her fucked up life, about anything. **

**And she'll never know. **

**Ashley was going to spare her the pain of knowing her and stop hanging around for awhile. And when the blonde approached her, she'd push her away whenever she got too close, and keep a safe distance. **

**Convince her to hate her. **

"**Okay."**

Ashley turned her head noticing the silence in the air. Aiden walked between her and Spencer staring down at his cell phone, his fingers moving like crazy on the small keypad. Obviously texting someone. Her eyes moved to Spencer. The blonde stared ahead in deep thought- Ashley followed her gaze to a girl sitting cross-legged under a small tree. She recognized her immediately. The rocker. She had a class with her last year, but couldn't remember her name. She looked back at Spencer. The blonde never gave her an answer as to what happened on their date, and for a moment, she questioned who dumped who and why?

"Oh! Phoenix come here, Justin and I need your input."

Ashley's head snapped toward the voice.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't realize exactly where they had stopped.

Right in front of Madison and her current boyfriend Justin at a picnic table. She was out of there. Hanging out with Aiden was one thing, but hanging out with both Madison and Aiden was too much. She couldn't stand the Latina. "Hey," Spencer looked at her before taking a seat at the table. "I'm leaving."

Spencer hesitated, debating whether to ask her to stay or not, and then finally nodded. "See you at lunch?"

"Yeah."

How familiar the walk to the back of the school felt. Strolling through crowds of people she couldn't stand, feeling their eyes on her, her mind bad mouthing each and every one of them like she had done so many times before- she felt like the same person and nothing was different about her life. If she looked over her shoulder, she'd see Spencer with Aiden and their jock friends laughing and talking about the game or their perfect relationships, ones they promise would last forever. And Ashley, she was headed behind the school where all the 'bad' kids hung out.

Littered with dumpsters, cigarettes, and drugs, it wasn't hard running into viscous gang members and wannabe drug lords- a hand wrapped around her wrist and she was pulled against a thin body, "Hey, whore." The blonde greeted her with a teasing smile.

"Cunt." Ashley smirked moving out of her grasp, she reached out and hooked her fingers in her belt loops, "When are you going to learn?" Pulling the small blonde to her, their faces inches away, she smugly reminded, "I always make the first move."

"I'm sorry, Master." The blonde in her arms grinned. "I sometimes forget I'm just you're bitch,"

Alexis lifted her left hand to her face. Brushing a cigarette gripped loosely between two fingers against her lips, Ashley parted them accepting the thin white stick. "And my only purpose in life is to please you." The brunette said nothing, her face expressionless as she took a drag off the cigarette, examining the face so close to hers. Alexis was gorgeous. Stroking her soft face with one hand watching her brown eyes turn from playful to something more serious, the intensity enough to make her do something cruel, her hand moved down her neck. She was so mean to her, this cute girl who went out of her way to make her happy. Ashley didn't give fuck. She could buy her the world, wrap it in gold and hand it to her on a silver platter and she still wouldn't love her.

A smile made its way onto her lips.

When they slept together, it wasn't even her she was sleeping with.

She'd imagine someone else.

"You have a glow."

Ashley's eyes never left her face as her fingers brushed over her left breast; Alexis sharply inhaled and then held her breath as she moved lower. "I don't want to glow." Her fingers lingered at the crotch of her jeans enjoying the change in her eyes, the lids slightly lowering, the desire making its presence known. "I want to soar." Her fingers trailed across her thigh to the right pocket of her jeans; she reached in and pulled out a black case of mints.

"I'll take that." The cigarette was gently removed from her hand. "I always need one around you." She paid no attention to the girl standing inches away from her. Her eyes and hands were solely focused on the small mint box in her possession. A surge of excitement rushed through her, opening the lid, hungrily examining the small white pills inside, the rest of the school day would be something to look forward to instead of loathe. "Are you sure that's a good idea? We're taking exams in a few minutes..."

"Fuck exams." She placed two white pills on her tongue and dry swallowed them with no problems. Exams. Spencer came to mind after hearing the word and without realizing it, she smiled. The blonde had spent a good part of the night studying. A clear picture of her determined face deep in concentration as blue eyes scanned the small text of the study guide came to mind. Lying next to her on the bed as she studied, watching her every move, Ashley fell into a deep easy sleep.

The smile died along with the fond memory as the brunette slipped the box of mints back into Alexis' jeans feeling the klonopin's affects.

"I want all these cigarettes out now!" A female voice boomed from behind. The Principal, Ms. Alley, always came back there looking for trouble. Standing 5'8, she was in her mid 40's but kept herself in decent shape. Usually wearing a lady's business suit, she kept her long brown hair pinned up and had a very powerful demeanor. She was an intimidating figure when she wanted to be, but Ashley wasn't going to be a good little girl for her. The fear she normally saw in other people's eyes as she approached them made _her_ eyes roll. She was nothing to be afraid of. "Young lady, did you hear me?" Her eyes watched Alexis' face as she took one last drag off the cigarette.

Ashley gently grabbed her wrist and urged it back against the brick wall, extinguishing the white stick, she kept her hand pinned above her head and moved in taking her lips in a hard forceful kiss. She wanted to give Ms. Alley a show. Her hand moved up cupping a full breast as she teased Alexis' tongue- A hand wrapped around her upper arm and she was pulled off the blonde.

"You're coming with me." The hand released her arm, she paid no attention to it or the owner. Her eyes were focused on Alexis' shocked face. She hardly ever kissed her and when she did, she was fucked out of her mind.

"Tell me you didn't like it." Alexis challenged the confident look on her face telling Ashley she assumed she loved it. That she was soooo turned on by the softness of her lips and skilled

tongue-

"I fucking hated it." The fallen look on her face was the last thing she saw before following Ms. Alley through the school.

The walk would have been miserable sober because the older woman wouldn't stop talking. Ashley tuned it all out and said nothing when being asked a question. Her eyes aimlessly wandered around the school but nothing registered in her mind. Everything around her seemed to move faster and she couldn't catch up. She was in slow motion, falling behind, while everyone else moved, lived, and laughed.

A coke machine. They passed three of them and her taste buds yearned for the sugar filled liquid. Unconsciously, she patted all around the jeans Spencer let her borrow, and then remembered the roses, and the little money she had left, gone. She'd have to change that sooner or later. A brief conversation with Glen and she'd be good. The impulse to laugh, it was hilarious how she could think about fucking a stranger for money and not a feel a thing.

A deep frown made its way onto her lips.

She completely stopped walking.

The girl under a thin tree sat cross legged with a sketch pad on her lap. Not too long ago she sat alone, and now, she had company. Spencer sat next to her with a thoughtful look on her face. They gazed into each other's eyes while speaking quietly, or maybe loudly but Ashley was too fucked to hear them. Maybe they were talking about her and how awful she was for kissing another girl even if it meant nothing. "Ms. Davies?"

"What?!" She harshly snapped hearing her name a million times from the same voice. Was being alone with her thoughts too much to ask for? Why did everyone want something from her? "Call my fucking mom." She spat. "I don't give a fuck." That was the worst she could do. Dial her Mommy's number. "I'll even push the buttons for you." Whipping out a black cell phone from her pocket, her thumb pushed three numbers before it was taken away.

She angrily looked up at the principal.

"Ms. Davies we're almost at my office. Please keep yourself under control or I'll have one of the security officers escort you off campus." Her facial expression told her she wasn't playing around. "Do I make myself clear?"

The brunette nodded and was handed her phone back. She began following her again and allowed herself to sink into the klonopin in her system. She felt more relaxed but had trouble keeping her mouth shut. The thoughts racing through her head eager to make themselves known.

The desk with the secretary was oblivious to her, the chaotic ringing of the phone deaf to her ears, she stepped into Ms. Alley's office and took a seat in the chair in front of the large oak desk. She looked all around the familiar room, lingering at the family photos. She had a beautiful family.

"Thank you." She turned her attention to the older woman, taken aback. Did she say that out loud? "Now Ms. Davies," She took a seat at the large desk and wasted no time meeting her gaze. "Before we begin, would you mind removing those glasses from your face, please." She reached up and did what she was told, praying her eyes gave no indication of her current state. "Good. As you know there is a strict smoking policy." The brunette nodded deciding to just smile and nod like she always did. "We also have another policy on PDA, but I'm not going to go over either with you, again. It doesn't seem to be doing any good." She heavily sighed. "Calling your mother isn't working, detentions aren't working, suspensions aren't working- what should be my next step?"

Ashley's frowned deepened, annoyed with the question. They both knew the next step. "Want me to spell it out for you?"

The older woman stood up from the desk and smoothed out her navy blue suit. "I'm not going to expel you." She walked around the desk and stopped beside her chair. Lightly grabbing her chin, she forced her to look up into her face. "I know how someone like you would spend the free time." She released her face and folded her arms across her chest.

"And how does someone like me spend their free time?" She sarcastically inquired already knowing the answer.

"You tell me." She gently shot back. "Christmas break is only a week away, and if I remember correctly," She hesitated before adding, "The date of your father's passing is approaching. How does your family deal with the occasion? Or more importantly, how do you normally spend your time on that day?"

_Swallowing a handful of pills with a few vodka shots in the attic where all of my father's belongings carelessly lie collecting dust in the darkness. I wake up the next morning surprised to be alive and then deal with a massive hang over I later kill with more pills. My mother's always a fucking bitch and anything I do wrong she makes sure I pay. I never learn a fucking lesson because it never hurts. I don't feel anything January 2__nd__ and maybe this year I'll get lucky and never have to see it again. _

"My mother takes me on vacation and hugs me a lot." She forced a smile. "She makes sure I'm alright." It was her favorite lie to tell people. The lie convincing everyone her mother was the absolute best. She had to be extra convincing to school officials to keep truancy away. They've caught a glimpse of her not so pretty bruises before and she didn't want her dear mother to rot in jail for hitting her. She was the love of her father's life and it was her job to make sure nothing happened to her.

Even if she was the reason she occasional spent more than two hours in the bathroom covering her battered body with makeup.

It was what he wanted. For her to look after Christine whenever he wasn't around.

Even after what she did to him.

"It sounds nice. I wish my family had that luxury after the death of my father." The principal smiled softly. "I know it's hard, and I'm glad you have a strong support group. But I want you to see the school's counselor-"

"Expel me or let me go to class." She harshly demanded standing from her seat. "I'm not seeing a shrink."

"That's fine, Ms. Davies." She simply stated hardening her gaze. "But please at least take some time to think it over. Maybe have a talk with your Mother. It did me a lot of good and maybe-"

"It'd fix me too?" A smug smile shaped her lips. "Look at my body, look at the mansion I live in, look at my car," She paused a moment and then added, "Look at my girlfriend. Everything is perfectly fine. _I'm _perfect. There's nothing to fix."

Ms. Alley shifted almost uncomfortably in her seat examining the teenager in front of her. "I'm looking into your eyes and I don't like what I see."

"Then I'll put these back on." Her vision became darker as the sunglasses came back on and she opened her arms for dramatic affect. "Problem solved." Dropping her arms, the sarcasm left her face and was replaced with impatience. "Are we finished? The bell just rang and I'm going to be late for my exam."

There was a knock on the door and her eyes moved from the rebellious teen to the head poking through the small slit of the open door.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Alley but there's something we need you to look at right away."

"I'm just about finished here." Ashley heard the door close behind her and felt a sense of relief.

She'd finally be able to leave.

Walking out of the office building, she stopped a few feet away from the door and stared out into the quad, watching the hundreds of moving bodies scramble to get to their classes. _The date of your father's passing is approaching, _she couldn't get the words off repeat in her head. They moved in fast circles in her mind keeping her frozen. January 2nd was the worst day of her life, and she spent every anniversary far far away to the point where she was no longer herself. She spent the day someone else, someone without senses or memories. Someone who didn't want to see the light of day anymore and would love if darkness forever took her life.

Until the evening came.

Spencer. No matter what, she was always there for her, and a lot of the time they said nothing to each other. The blonde would simply hold her as she lied in her arms, trying her best to feel the loving arms cradling her like a small child. They'd stay that way until she had to leave. And for a goodbye, her friend always placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

"I've been looking all over for you."

"Couldn't wait for lunch?" Without hesitating, she wrapped an arm around the blonde's shoulders and felt one wrap around her waist. The world around them faded and she stopped caring who saw them together and what they thought. Phoenix didn't exist to her. Spencer would always be the blonde little girl she loved growing up. Not the school's celebrity. "I'll walk you to class."

"And here I thought you were embarrassed to be seen with me." She commented with some surprise as they strolled through the school yard, walking a little slower than everyone else.

It was her turn to be surprised. "Am I that easy to read?"

Spencer smiled nodding a little. "I've known you most of our lives." Softening her voice, she added, "You're an open book by now."

Leaning further into the blonde, her temple pressed against her shoulder, she regretted swallowing the two pills. "I'm not embarrassed by you." Being honest was easy when she didn't give a fuck. "I just don't want to fuck up your perfect little world."

"I don't live in a perfect little world." Her voice was low, the words meant for Ashley's ears only.

"My bad." She corrected herself. "I meant, I don't want to fuck up Phoenix's perfect world."

"Ashley I don't care about-"

Ashley stopped, facing Spencer, her hands linked behind the blonde's back, she gazed into her blue eyes. "You don't care?" She murmured slowly dipping her head, her eyes dropping to a soft pair of lips. She looked back up into the frightened gaze of her girlfriend's, Phoenix. There were teachers standing outside of their doors, kids moving all around them, and Spencer cared. "You're an open book, Love." She dropped her hands from the other girl's body and took a couple steps back. "Good luck with your exams," Her eyes lingered on the blue she loved, "Phoenix."

Turning around, she left unaware of the eyes following her.

She strolled through hallway after hallway in a daze.

The tardy bell rang but she didn't hear anything. Her mind was too far gone to really hear anything other than her thoughts.

She finally made it to class and ignored the teacher bitching at her for being late, again. Taking her seat, she stared down at the desk while lightly tapping her fingers against the hard surface.

She stopped fighting the drugs in her system and relaxed, allowing them to take over.

Spencer wasn't around so it was okay.

It was okay to be fucked and it felt good.

She turned her attention to the teacher hearing her voice nearby. The short dark haired woman went on and on about the exams. Ashley half listened not giving much of a damn. Her eyes fell and lingered on her breasts. This was her first year teaching. She was hot. Nice and young, she'd rather do her than the exams. Smirking, she fought back a fit of giggles and dropped her head onto the desk, closing her eyes. She murmured 'fuck' and smiled to herself.

"Ashley..." A strong hand was placed on her shoulder, gently shaking her passed out frame. A moan escaped her parted lips as a masculine voice repeated her name. Opening her eyes felt impossible, they became heavy like lead and she had no desire to wake up but the hand wouldn't leave her body. "Ashley." She finally lifted her head from the desk and opened her eyes, the brightness of the room forcing them to close again. "Mr. Darouce is giving you the evil eye, you might want to wake up now."

Mr. Darouce? She wondered trying to keep her head from falling back down. That was her 3rd hour teacher's name. When did she switch classes twice? Ashley opened her eyes and allowed them to adjust, rubbing the sleep from them, she turned her head to the reason she was awake. Aiden stared into her face lacking his usual annoyed expression. He seemed worried, concerned. She fucking hated it. "Why are you staring at me?"

His face changed and with a sigh, he stood up from his kneeling position and looked away from her. The annoyance came a second later. Painting his features as he waited by her desk. Ashley stood up and began walking, nearly stumbling into another desk. "Need help?" Aiden asked and she shot him a look that screamed 'fuck you.' "I thought you'd be different." She walked outside of the classroom, her head pain free but filled with a thin layer of fog. A reminisce of the klonopin. "I actually had some hope for you."

"And what were you hoping for?" She carelessly inquired as they walked slowly through a crowd of students polluting the hallway.

"That you'd stop poisoning yourself." He snorted. "If not for yourself then for Phoenix."

For the millionth time that year, she found herself hating the person who gave her a class with the tall pain in the ass walking beside her. "For someone who claims to like boys you give our little Phoenix a lot of attention."

"I'm her best friend." He defensively reminded, glaring bullets at the careless teen whose eyes didn't care to meet his. "And who are you? Who the fuck are you?" He asked again when she didn't answer.

"You know who I am. Name starts with an 'A' ends in a 'Y.'"

"That's not what I meant, smart ass." He shook his head and looked away from her in disgust. Everything about the brunette disgusted him. From the 'I don't give a fuck' attitude to the drugs she selfishly used without thinking of anyone else's feelings. She was trash. "I don't understand your intentions with my friend. And what really sucks is, I know what hers are for you. But I don't think they're the same."

His words meant nothing to her and she was done with the conversation. She kept her lips tightly sealed and eyes straight ahead, ignoring his presence completely until the muscular body next to hers disappeared into the crowd of moving bodies. She stepped out of the hallway and ventured further into the quad. Her legs stopped moving and she stood staring at her back. The pills in her system were almost non existent now. A couple more would do the trick, lift her spirits. Alexis would be easy to find. All she had to do was turn around-

Her mind shifted as a familiar girl walked by a few feet in front of her. She followed her tall frame and noticed the way she turned her head in Spencer's direction. Rebound. The word entered her thoughts with such force that she looked away from the guitar player. The magical night she shared with Spencer was becoming a pathetic stunt with smoke and mirrors. Did the cocky attractive rock star break Spenny's heart? And she was there to pick up the pieces, Spencer's back up plan. Someone to take her mind and heart off the girl she really wanted. Whatever. Ashley didn't care.

She was used to being used.

The blonde must have felt her eyes on her, because she turned around flashing her a dazzling smile. An excitement reaching her eyes at the sight of her. Ashley gave in and approached her girlfriend forcing a smile of her own. "I can't tell you how long I've watched the clock hoping it'd move a little faster so I could finally see you."

Why? Ashley sourly thought keeping a good front up. It made sense a second later what Spencer wanted from her. "How does off campus lunch sound?"

"Sounds great." Spencer comfortably walked beside her as they made their way to the parking lot. "What'd you have in mind?"

"There's a deli down the street." She casually answered taking out her keys.

"Hopefully they have something light. I'm still full from breakfast."

"Good." Ashley replied under her breath opening the driver side door. She waited for Spencer to close the door before turning the car on and backing out. They drove through the parking lot in a comfortable silence, putting the right blinker on, she drove off campus and headed down the main road.

"How was the exam?" Spencer asked turning her head to look at her.

The brunette couldn't recall picking up a pencil much less reading through a booklet and answering questions. She wasn't even sure she was given a test. Her teacher was a bitch, just the type to skip her and let her fail. "Nothing to lose sleep over." She simply answered. "How was it for you?"

"The questions were the same as the study guide. Word for word. I think I did good."

Ashley couldn't stop the little smile curving her lips. Spencer was always good in school, but for some reason, when it came to test grades she was unsure. Even as a little girl, she would anxiously wait to get her paper back to see what she scored. The results were always the same."You scored highest in the class."

"And what makes you so sure?"

Turning the wheel, she pulled into the Deli's parking lot. "I've known you all our school life and that's what you always make on a test. Highest in the class." Funny how the title could easily suit her for an entirely different reason. She stopped and turned off the car, turning her head. The blonde seemed puzzled examining the building. Ashley openly stared at her, studying her, finding the tilt of her blonde head as her brows drew together in confusion absolutely adorable. Spencer faced her and she delve deep into the depth of her clear blue eyes. Alexis could never compare to the beautiful girl sitting beside her. "They're out of business."

You don't have to buy me lunch to get fucked. She couldn't help but think gazing into her pretty face. I'm easy. "I know." She reached over and ran her fingertips down the side of her face, tracing her jaw. "I'm still full from breakfast." Spencer leaned into her touch convincing her they both wanted the same thing.

Proving Ashley's thoughts right.

The air around them changed like her eyes darkening with desire. She leaned in closer to Spencer drawn in by angst and sexual hunger. Rebound. The word entered her mind as their lips touched. Closing her eyes, she kissed the blonde with a strange mixture of anger, love, and lust. It wasn't sweet and simple, but hard and full of passion. With a moan, the blonde's fingers caressed her wild curls as she teased her tongue, Ashley began to wonder if it was her kissing Spencer or if she was imagining someone else's tongue in her mouth.

Breaking the kiss, she trailed her lips down her delicious throat placing her palm firmly against the crotch of her jeans. She whispered hotly into her ear rubbing against her wetness, making the blonde squirm and sigh. "Don't cum, yet." She nipped at her earlobe, "I want to feel you, warm and wet around my fingers." Her lips went back to her neck, and she sucked, kissed, and nipped the sensitive flesh while her fingers unbutton and unzipped her jeans.

She kept her lips pressed against the pulse point in her neck, feeling the erratic beating of her heart as she slipped her hand underneath the waistband of her panties. "Ashley," Spencer hissed arching against the leather seat as her fingers glided into her wetness. Her thighs parted for her, and her hips rose to deepen the contact between her hand and her erection. The brunette closed her eyes and sucked her neck harder, feeling one hand tangle in her hair while the other covered a fresh dark hickey staining her shoulder, clutching almost painfully to her.

"Ash...please..." Her voice was strangled and laced with a moan as she reached down, pulling her pants and underwear down her quivering thighs. The blonde settled back against the leather seat, her head falling back with a moan, her eyes tightly closing, she wrapped her arms around Ashley, and in return the brunette buried her free hand in blonde hair, cupping the back of her head as she teased her slick folds.

Her forehead fell onto the blonde's temple and she nipped at the skin closest to her mouth. "No need to beg," She murmured against her skin. "You'll come." It was her profession. What she did best. Get people off, sometimes inside her, sometimes on her, the fluid sometimes making her gag, sick to the point where, she couldn't stand to look in a mirror. They became her enemy. And then she'd feel the guys pull out of her and move from on top of her, putting their clothes on, sometimes she'd curl up into a ball, other times, when she didn't give much of a damn, she'd reach over for more drugs and take whatever amount was necessary for her to just pass out.

Soft lips gently pecked hers, her first impulse was to turn her head away, screaming stop. But she came back to reality, and allowed the lips to gently tease her like she was teasing Spencer. She stopped thinking and kissed her back, more passionately, swallowing her moans as their tongues danced. She felt a hand move to her breast and grabbed her wrist, pulling it away. She linked their hands together as she entered the blonde with a single finger, deciding she wasn't distracted enough.

The blonde panted heavily against her lips as she glided in and out of her, the warm walls pulsating around her touch. Ashley teased her clit with her thumb and felt the hand she held tighten, squeezing her hand to the brink of pain. Her eyes opened and she watched the blonde's face as she fucked her, adding another figure. A deep groan escaped her as her hips moved to meet each thrust. The brunette loved watching her like this. Her face painted in bliss, flushed with desire, moaning and sighing. "I love..." The words spilled from her lips, but she didn't want to say it. "How you feel around me."

"I love having you in me." The blonde deeply groaned riding her fingers as her head fell back onto the head rest. Her panting filled the air around them as Ashley plunged faster in and out of her, using her thumb to tease her hardened bud. She dipped her head and feasted on her throat, sucking and kissing the sensitive skin as she took the blonde higher and higher, wanting her fall into an orgasm to be a long pleasurable one.

The blonde moved frantically against her rhythm, Ashley pressing her lips to her pulse point, she suckled the skin there feeling her girlfriend's back arch. She stayed frozen like that as the walls around her fingers strongly convulsed, drowning her hand in her girlfriend's desire.

Spencer fell back onto the leather seat, her arms wrapped tightly around Ashley as she continued quivering all over. The brunette kissed her neck a final time as the blonde whimpered feeling her fingers leave her wetness. Ashley stared down, watching her hands get the recovering blonde decent. She pulled up her pants and underwear, buttoning her jeans and pulling up the zipper.

Without looking at the blonde, she moved back into the driver's seat and turned the key in the ignition. The Porsche came roaring to life and for a moment, she sat staring out the windshield listening to Spencer's breathing, a blank expression on her face. A hand was placed on her forearm "Are you okay?" The blonde softly asked beside her.

"Yeah." She put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking space.

Why wouldn't she be?


	14. Chapter 14

_**A**_fter running her mouth to Student Services, cradling her stomach and looking miserable, she was finally allowed to leave for the day. The walk to the parking lot wasn't rushed, she took her time strolling leisurely down the walkway enjoying the now cloudy afternoon, procrastinating. Her destination was home and the impulse to run to her car and speed down the busy streets wasn't there.

It was never there when she had to go home to Christine.

The Porsche came into view, Raife Davie's second child. He loved the car, his brown eyes always twinkling with joy at the sight. It must have been contagious because at the time, Ashley felt the same way about the expensive Porsche. Especially when they rode in it together, feeling the sun on their skin and the wind in their hair. Ashley laughing at her father and the outrageous things that spilled from his lips, the skin around them always painted with dark stubble.

'I love ya, Angel.' He'd say picking her up off the floor and hugging her to him, his dark sunglasses coming closer as he leaned in to kiss her cheek.

'Nooooo." She'd whine turning away from him. 'Not til you shave.'

The feel of his short prickly facial hair against her skin always bothered her. She hated it banning him from kissing her whenever it was present on his face. Now, she regretted turning him down, wanting her father's affection now more than ever. How stupid she felt thinking he'd be in her life forever. Staring at Raife's car, fighting back tears, she wanted to go back in time and allow her father to kiss her no matter what was on his face. She still missed him, every day was the same, and time didn't heal shit.

Reaching the car, her fingers paused at the door handle. She wasn't ready to leave. Her eyes were still stinging from her thoughts. And then there was Christine. She'd be surprised to see her home early from school. She hated when she faked an illness to leave. Hated the fact that she was nothing like her when she was in high school. A cheerleader with a thousand friends, good grades, cute boyfriend and gushing teachers.

Placing her arms at the top of the car, she wrapped them around each other and dropped hear head into the darkness they created. Idly, her fingertips tapped against the hard top and she became angry. Not long after the car was given to her, it was taken back and for awhile kept in a shop, returning home with major body changes. The soft top was replaced with a hard one, 'It has a sun roof,' her mother said responding to the pissed off expression on her face. She didn't want a fucking sun roof.

Tears streaked down her face, the bitch even changed the color from a bright apple red to a dark silver. Replacing the bad ass tires with more simple ones, the Porsche wasn't the same car her father purchased. It was transformed to look more average, boring- her father would never buy anything so quiet. His car had to be loud and outrageous. Not safe.

Her lips twitched in a smile hidden by the darkness of her arms remembering the night at Grey's. Frustration from all around led her out the night club's door, to her car where she had more cocaine inside the glove box. The keys wouldn't cooperate, like everything else in her life they wanted to give her hell. Fuck them, she thought throwing them onto the ground. She'd get in another way in front of everyone in the fucking parking lot. Getting on top the car, she released the pent up anger in a crazed frenzy, stomping, her eyes fixated on the sun roof her Mother kindly added onto her father's Porsche. She wanted it to shatter, it was all she could think about as the glass cracked, the cocaine stopped existing, she didn't care for it anymore, she just wanted the car destroyed.

Spencer stopped her. Her frightened tear stained face enough to snap her out of the anger induced assault on the Porsche. She deflated beckoning the blonde to her, wrapping her in her arms, holding her heaving frame as she cried on her shoulder. She just wanted to make everything okay again. Ashley looked up from the darkness and gazed into the parking lot, her keys jingling in her hand from the movement. Why was she there, outside in the parking lot watching her. She should have been inside making out with the tall Rocker. That's what she was doing as she was leaving the building, leaning in for a kiss. The dark haired girl must have shot her down, knowing she wouldn't put out later. Maybe Spencer mentioned her virginal status and the egotistical bitch wanted nothing to do with her. Another surge of anger and she wanted to track the Rocker down and kick her ass.

Opening the car door, she slipped into the Porsche ignoring the ignition. Her first priority was the glove box, opening it, she searched every cranny inside the small space looking for something, anything to take to kill her never ending thoughts. Maybe that's why Spencer came running outside, heartbroken and rejected, she needed her best friend to hold her, promising everything would be okay- those tears had nothing to do with her.

They were for the Guitar player.

Slamming the glove box shut, she turned on the car and placed her hands on the wheel, putting the Porsche in reverse. She finally had a reason to go home. There was nothing to take in her car. Her thoughts revolved around her bedroom, taking her under the bed to the shoebox, she craved whatever filled the clear plastic sandwich bag hiding inside. There were few pills, but a variety of them, a beautiful mixture of pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti anxiety medication. She was going to take a little of everything, crushing and then mixing them together, she decided to snort them like coke.

It was going to be a trip.

Reaching out, she turned on the radio in an attempt to ease her anxiety. Her free leg bounced up and down excitedly as her other foot steadily pushed down on the gas, refraining from going the speed she wanted to go. The one that'd take her home in under 5 minutes. She was a desperate wreck and her stomach churned as she licked her lips stopping at a red light. She hated stopping, she needed to go, her body begging for a hit of something.

She needed a cigarette.

Turning her head, she eyed the driver in the car next to her. A soccer mom. She scrunched her face in disgust and turned up the music, hating the stereotypical house wife. The ones who drove mini vans full of loud obnoxious kids. Mother's who tucked their children in at night, fondly smiling down at them before kneeling to kiss their brow, wishing them a good night, adding 'I love you' before leaving the room. It made her sick. Didn't they know the kid would grow up to disappoint them anyway? Why not skip the bullshit and treat them like shit from the beginning? Her sweaty palms gripped the steering wheel more firmly as she switched lanes, moving into the one with less traffic.

Anything to get home faster.

She was sick of the world around her and needed a trip far far away ASAP.

Pulling into the beautiful home, her eyes scanned the driveway and she mentally screamed 'fuck' seeing two vehicles parked side by side. One was Christine's and the other belonged to her long time boyfriend, David. He was her longest relationship next to her father and...Michael. She turned off the rap music blaring from the speakers, her mood turning sour and the noise becoming an annoyance. David made her nervous, he was coming around more and more, and Christine showed no signs of getting bored of him like she did her other relationships. There

was a chance he was different from them, maybe she found his Hawaiian/oriental looks more appealing, or loved the sight of his great body, feel of his thick black hair- she didn't like it. He also had money, lots and lots of money, she didn't see him going anywhere anytime soon.

Opening the car door, she stepped out and locked the Porsche making her way to the front door. Her heart pounded more fervently in her chest knowing she was close to easing her body's desperate plea to soar. More than ready to spread her wings and fly, she walked into the house, entering the living room, she paused finding Christine's dark brown eyes on her.

Her mother lied on the couch, fixing her clothing as David scooted away, somewhat embarrassed. She watched him move a safe distance from her Mother. How modest! She internally complimented, sarcasm soaking her thoughts. He could fuck her right there and she wouldn't care. Her Mother trained her well.

When Mommy had company it was her job to stay the fuck away and hide upstairs.

She never covered her ears. At 12 she was lying in bed listening to her Mother's pleasure filled screams as they drifted down the hallway and invaded her room like an unwanted ghost. She'd get through it downing Vodka, Whiskey, or wine and then laugh at the sex in her drunken state. Her Mother fucking guys who weren't her Dad was hilarious, especially after his death.

It stopped being funny the next morning. 'You look sick.' Spencer would comment and she'd lie to her concern face and say she's fine, refusing to mention the alcohol or the sex she listened to through out the night. She picked up the bottle two nights after her Father's death, his favorite drink becoming her new best friend. Vodka did wonders for a shattered soul, but was harsh on her young body. The hang over's were always bad, leaving her passed out over a toilet throwing up, and no one knew a damn thing. Her grave appearance was often mistaken for grief over Raife's death. She was so sick of everyone asking if she was alright. Everyone knew and made a big deal out of it. They didn't comfort her, just pissed her off more. She didn't want to be like the pathetic kids on TV. The ones that made you feel sorry for them, their tears breaking the viewer's hearts- she didn't want anyone's pity.

And Spencer. She didn't want things to be different between them, but it was always there in her blue eyes, how much her heart ached for her. It was harder to pretend around the blonde but she managed, only breaking down every once in awhile. It was nice to be held and kissed, guaranteed everything would be okay. Spencer was good at giving her affection, but she didn't want to make a habit out of it, mostly keeping things to herself, she'd put up a happy front for the blonde to keep her from worrying and making suggestions.

And what wonderful suggestions they were, she thought keeping her eyes on Christine's face seeing past the tight smile. She wasn't too happy with her decision to come home early. How deep did her anger run? Was she angry enough to get off the couch and strike her where she stood? Leave something new on her face....'Ashley, my parent's will know what do. They'll make her stop'

'No' She'd quickly say feeling panic wash over her in waves. 'We can't tell them. Or anyone, promise me you won't tell anyone.'

'Ashley-"

'No, Spencer.' She cut her off hardening her gaze. 'I want you to promise you won't tell anyone. Please?'

'She'll keep hurting you'

'It doesn't hurt.' She reassured. 'It never hurts. Please don't say anything.'

Her little blonde friend didn't want to, but in the end, she did promising she wouldn't say a word. "David, my Kid's home." Christine thew her back over the arm of the couch, covering her eyes with her right arm. "Why is my kid home?" She quickly looked at him again, a toothy smile on her face.

David shrugged glancing at Ashley before meeting Christine's gaze with a playful smile of his own. "Is she sick?"

"Sick of being in class." She snickered looking in her direction. "Ashley loves to act sick. She could be an actress."

"She is beautiful like her Mother."

Ashely's gaze drifted to him, and she mentally told him to shut up. The words bullshit. His compliments meant nothing to her and she looked nothing like Christine.

She looked like her father.

The older brunette turned her head and settled her gaze on her only child. "Come here, Baby. Give Mommy a kiss."

The brunette went to her, and leaned over, placing a chaste kiss on her lips. Foreign arms wrapped around her as Christine pulled her down on the couch with her. She met her gaze with a blank dullness in her eyes, too tired to play along this time. She loved showing off to her men, leading them to believe she was the best Mother in the world, convincing them she loved her more than anything else on the planet. Ashly stopped caring and normally went along with it, usually too high to recognize her; today she was sober and not in the mood to pretend she had a relationship with the woman holding her.

I'm not the only actress in the room, she bitterly thought.

"What do you think?" Christine looked away from her and settled her gaze on the man seated at the other end of the couch. "I could be her older sister, huh?"

"Younger." David corrected throwing his head back in laughter with Christine.

She attempted to leave, fed up with being the butt of their jokes and the reason they laughed when she spent most of the drive home fighting back tears for Raife. The man who gave her Mother everything and got little back in return. She didn't want this woman's hands on her, but Christine held her tighter, refusing to let go. "Hear that, Angel? I could be your younger sister." She defiantly stared away from her, thinking she had botox to thank for her 'youth.'

The arms that 'lovingly' held her turned angry, and she was pushed off the couch, catching herself before falling onto her knees. She turned around and looked at the angry woman glaring into her eyes. "I don't understand you're attitude." She shook her head in disgust. "You've never had a sense of humor." She adding glancing at David's surprise face. "At least your girl laughs at the things I say, but this one," She gestured to Ashley, "Thinks she's too good for everyone else."

"Take her back to the hospital and ask for a refund." He began chuckling mid sentence before adding, "Tell them they gave you a broken one."

The statement was lost on her as she stared strangely at the older woman laughing hysterically. She met his daughter? Normally she wasn't interested in her men's children, she despised them, and stayed way from the ones with them. But she met his daughter, and liked her? Why? She didn't' feel good watching David. Fear gripped tightly at her chest, squeezing painfully hard. She didn't want him moving in. Ever.

'That's not a drink for little girls.' A deep voice commented from behind, she mentally cursed and then turned around stiffening under the hungry gaze raking over her body. 'But you're not a little girl anymore...'

Her tongue was tied in tight knots and lips sealed, in her head she saw herself say, 'I'm going upstairs,' but she couldn't get her mouth to work. She stood in the middle of the living room with her eyes glued to the entrance of the kitchen. Unconsciously, her arms wrapped around her middle and she felt unsafe. Christine's voice filled her ears as she spoke to David pausing to sniffle hard, getting Ashley's attention. She turned her head listening to her Mother's sigh of satisfaction. A pang of jealousy shot through her as she eyed the adults on the couch.

They were on something.

"I'm going upstairs." She left the room in a daze missing whatever Christine called out to her. The staircase seemed longer than usual as she walked up each step barely moving, her hand gripping tightly onto the rail. Her head hurt. A deep ache that would never go away. 'Go ahead fuck my little girl.' Her Mother's voice taunted, 'She's already broken.' The non existent words were enough encouragement to move faster, nearly running to the large room at the end of the hallway. The door was opened and she collapsed on the floor taking in the state of her bedroom.

It looked like the aftermath of an earthquake or Tornado. Everything was on the floor, her dresser drawers pulled out and dumped, her bed free of any sheets and pillows. She didn't do any of it. With tightly closed fists she repeatedly hit the soft carpet. Internally screaming, It's not fair!!! It's not fucking fair!!! With tear filled eyes she stopped hitting the floor and stared at the shoebox on the ground, counting the ripped pieces.

There was no sight of the clear plastic bag.

On unsteady legs, she stood and turned away from the disaster, falling twice in an attempt to make it to the staircase. Her body was a mess of trembling limbs and aching muscles. Acting out like a spoiled child who didn't get their way. She felt dizzy from desperation and fear, her heart pounding hard in her chest, she felt it in her wrist, and tears flowed freely down her face as she reached the living room, falling onto her knees in front of the couch. "Mommy, where's my bag?" She whimpered crying harder, "I need my bag. Please tell me..." She trailed off feeling her tender fingers brush through her curly hair, the warm palm cupping her face, she melted against it.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Ashley pulled away from her touch as if it caught on fire and burned. Her brown eyes gazed weakly into Christine's face and she saw no compassion. The older woman even seemed to be smiling a little at her own lie. She buried her face into the expensive leather and released a strangle scream into it. Sobs wracked her aching body a second later and she cried like a pathetic little girl to a mother who didn't give a fuck. Who never gave a fuck. Who sent her to a Catholic school full of nuns who loved to yell at her for every little thing she did wrong. A mother who never spent any time with her, too busy with her own life, spending her father's money like there was no tomorrow. The bitch who cheated on him breaking his heart, forcing him to write a goodbye letter tittled, 'Dear Angel' before leaving the house to wallow in his pity somewhere else, snorting all the cocaine in the world, his heart stopping, lungs failing, and brain shutting down forever. The bitch who let her rapist get away, blaming her for Michael fucking her at 12 years old. Like she asked for it, begging him to push her to the floor, beat her face, and fuck her until the pain was too much she blacked out.

She hated this woman. And yet, she protected her from the authorities, begging her best friend to keep her mouth shut so she wouldn't go to jail for giving her a black eye.

She was near hysteria with the tears pressing her face harder into the leather of the couch, she didn't want to breathe, she wanted to drown in her tears, suffocate right there in front of her Mommy. Her eyes tightly closed and she put more pressure on her airways, closing them to the point of pain.

Her head felt light and the tears slowed down, she fought her body's natural instinct to move up for air, and then gasped loudly when a harsh hand pulled the back of her hair, forcing her face off the couch. Her mother filled her blurry vision and if she wasn't too busy gasping desperately for air, she'd be screaming. "Stop acting like a desperate addict because I refuse to have one living under this roof. You hear me?" Christine pulled her hair harder, she winced in pain and then fought back laughter. You're daughter's not an addict...just everything else.....Prostitute at the top of the list.

"Give me my pills." Her voice was low and trembled. "Or I'll fuck David." She could no longer fight it, the look on Christine's face too much, she laughed. The living room filled with it, and she only slowed down to add, "I'll give him the fucking of his life!!! He'll love my pussy riding his-" Her words were silenced by the palm striking her face, over and over again. She didn't lift her hands to protect herself, she sat there and took it. Allowing Christine to beat her pretty little face. She didn't want to be beautiful like her Mother, "Harder!" She screamed through clenched teeth. "Fuck me up!"

The hand still buried in curly hair pulled her by it, dragging her to the staircase. Christine wouldn't shut up, her eyes opened and she watched everything move fast, catching a glimpse of the empty couch- David was nowhere to be seen. Was he ever there? She wondered through the intense pain shooting through her body. The older brunette kept screaming, yanking her harder and harder with each step, she tripped more than once over her unsteady feet, the pain keeping her from walking straight.

Finally, the harsh grip left her throbbing scalp and she was thrown to the dirty floor. Looking through a small slit in her left eye, she watched Christine approach her and her left eye closed and she bit down hard on her bottom lip as the heel of her stiletto came into contact with her aching flesh, stomping everywhere from her face to her battered thighs- she lied in the fetal position listening to her screaming, "You worthless whore! I hope you die! I hope you fuck the wrong boy and die!"- she didn't fight back, just kept still and quiet each and every time the heel collided with her body, her mother using all of her strength to hurt her.

And then she was gone.

Rolling onto her back, she cradled her stomach feeling pain everywhere, especially her head.

Tasting blood in her mouth, she cursed assuming she lost a tooth, and then relaxed realizing it was just her lip.

She made a mental note to not bite so hard next time.

And then smiled realizing she always made that note and always bit down on her lip when her mom was in one of her moods.

The 'I hate Ashley she's going to pay' mood.

Opening her eyes, she turned her head and came face to face with one of the pieces of the shoebox. She reached out, taking it into her hand, she closed her fist around it wanting to cry all over again. Christine didn't realize how many men she had to fuck to get each and every one of those pills. Ones she needed now.

Releasing the cardboard, she watched it fall pathetically to the floor. Everything hurt, she fought back wincing and moaning as she stood up, almost limping down the hall to the bathroom.

She didn't bother turning on the light.

Falling onto her hands and knees, she kicked the door closed and opened the bottom cabinet of the sink. Grabbing a bottle of hair spray, she collapsed onto her back and reached up to her face, closing her left nostril. She placed the nozzle of hair spray at the entrance of her right nostril, and then closed her eyes. Her index finger put pressure on the small white cap and she snorted the gas filling her nose, only stopping when the can fell from her hand. Her eyes opened wide and she watched a purple fog float above her, thousands of colorful dots surrounding it. They flashed in several different colors as a ringing assaulted her ears.

It wasn't enough. She wanted more. Blindly, she felt around the floor for the can, and dropped it twice in an attempt to bring it to her face. Her eyes heavily hooded stared at all the pretty colors as she listened to the annoying ringing in her ears. It didn't bother her. She kind of liked it finding the noise to be unique along with the pattern the dots moved in, they were like floating clouds, always moving and transforming. Her lips parted and she sung along to the tune in her head, her words slurring. "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your fucking husband you bitch." She closed her right nostril and huffed the toxic gas with her left nostril inhaling until the can dropped from her hand. The colors faded, she followed them until her eye balls rolled into the back of her head.

She passed out.

_**T**_**he older blonde with tired eyes closed the door to the dark room standing beside a dazed teenager.**

**Keeping her eyes on the floor, she heard the door click and unwrapped her stiff arms. The liquor and valium she consumed earlier did little to ease her now tense muscles, still tingling from Spencer's body and lips- did Paula know anything? She was too terrified to look at the tall woman. "Ashley?" She finally lifted her head and settled her gaze on the doctor standing a few steps ahead of her.**

**Her eyes, which needed glasses or contacts to better her vision, squinted and she stepped closer grasping her chin- Ashley's muddled brain was clueless as she gazed into wide blue eyes. "Honey, what happened to your eye?"**

**For a moment, she was confused and also wondered what happened to her eye. Strangely, the older blonde's slender fingers brushing against the bruised skin reminded her of Spencer. To her sad angry eyes, the softness of her touch as she cupped her face, crying while staring at the blackness around her eye- oh that's what's wrong. "A preppy girl at school did it."**

**She prayed her best friend didn't hear the lie.**

**Gazing into the doctor's eyes, seeing the concern, she knew it'd be the perfect opportunity to part her lips and tell the truth ending the abuse. If she were smart she'd take Spencer's advice and tell her parents, who would know what to do, everything from Michael to her Mother to the alcohol and the pills she stole from Christine and how angry she got when she found out. The results, a black eye and a painful reminder of her deflowered state. Christine was always blunt about it. Calling her a whore, a fucking prostitute, Mommy's man eater- Her teeth raked over her bottom lip.**

**She could faintly taste the blonde's toothpaste.**

**The cops got to hear the same lie. 'A preppy girl at school hit me.' They were two men. One large and old and the other skinny and young. The younger one turned around in the passenger seat and stared at her through the black metal caging. "You're mother is going to have to confirm the story." They were trying to scare her into being truthful thinking they were dealing with a normal Mother, one who gave a damn.**

"**That's fine." She simply told them. Christine was the one who made up the lie. She'd be more than happy to confirm it knowing the truth would get her in trouble.**

**Turning her head in the back of the cop car, she gazed out the window wanting to laugh, scream, and cry. She really wasn't the victim, was she? Here she sat in the back of a cop car while...he lived a free happy life. Maybe her Mother was right. Maybe she seduced him without realizing it. Maybe sex just happened like that. Out of the blue...she never expected to do those things to Spencer. To kiss her and lie on top of her like- a single tear slid down her face. Did she...did she hurt Spencer like Michael hurt her?**

**One tear turned into two and two into three- before she knew it, she was silently crying in the back seat. She never wanted Spencer to experience...that. Sex, everyone at school was beginning to obsess over it, she didn't understand why. It hurt. Maybe not for the boys. She closed her eyes remembering _his _moans. She didn't want to hear him anymore. A part of her wanted to open the car door and run back to Spencer. Apologize and make sure she was okay.**

**Another part wanted to get drunk. Drink until the night stopped existing in her mind. Until everyone's faces became a blur and she could wake up thinking everything was a dream. Convince herself there were no cops, she had no black eye, and she didn't seduce Spencer.**

**They pulled into the drive way of her house. Would the night officially end with two black eyes? She wondered staring at Christine's faded figure as she stood behind the front door, worried. Ashley knew it had nothing to do with her. She was terrified that she opened her mouth, told the cops everything from her boyfriend to the beatings.**

**Let her hit me again, she tiredly thought looking forward to the Grey Goose bottle hidden underneath the bed in her room. The Valium was gone. Her Mother walked in on her taking it and decided a good scolding was in order. Thinking a slap to the face would stop her.**

**She wasn't done taking Valium. She loved it too much and vowed to have it again.**

**Maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but soon.**

_**C**_AUTION: USE ONLY AS DIRECTED. The words were blurry one moment and then came into focus the next. She took a deep breath and quickly lifted her head. The room began spinning and she rushed, tumbling over twice on her way to the toilet, sticking her face into the bowl and emptying the contents of her stomach. Her head hurt and she wasn't sure if it was the same head ache as before or a result of the hair spray.

Moaning, her eyes flickered over to the purple can lying next to a puddle of vomit. She didn't remember throwing up. And waking up to those fucking words....she flushed the toilet and crawled over to the can.

_[i]CAUTION: USE ONLY AS DIRECTED. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal. Help stop inhalation abuse. [/i]_She brought the can back up to her face allowing it to hover below her right nostril. The day was slowly coming to a close. From the dim sunlight shinning through the window behind her, she guessed it was around 6 or 7 PM. Her eyes flickered to the vomit on the floor. With a frown, she put the can back under the sink and stood up, holding onto the wall. The inhalant was tempting, luring her into a deep sleep, but she wasn't in the mood for another session. Waking up in a puddle of vomit was a major turn off, it'd be easy to die. No shivers ran down her spine, she didn't cringe or even want to cry. She could have easily died and the idea didn't affect her in anyway.

A heavy dizzy spell assaulted her head and she turned around leaning heavily back against the wall, waiting for it to pass. Her eyes met their reflection in the mirror, staring tiredly at the bruising on her face, brown eyes lowered. If she could talk she'd murmur a fuck noticing the dried vomit on Spencer's shirt. The smell drifted up to her nose and she fought back more heaving. Her mouth was dry, she couldn't get the saliva glands to do their job and the urge to sink back down to the floor and pass out was strong. Her body was exhausted, eyes heavy, and head throbbing.

She ignored it and stumbled out of the bathroom.

Removing her shirt, she dumped it in the laundry room and continued through the quiet house. Shirtless, she walked into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. The cold water filling her dry mouth soothing. She greedily drank until the bottle was empty and then grabbed another bottle. Moving to the other side of the kitchen, she looked out into the front yard through the window above the sink.

Only her car was parked in the driveway.

She assumed they wouldn't stick around the entire night.

They did have _his_ kid to tend to.

Placing the empty bottle down on the counter top, her eyes lingered on the granite surface. Christine had them installed almost immediately after her father's death. The memory was vague but she dug it up recalling being in the car with her and Michael, hung over and tired. They dragged her counter top shopping with them at a bunch of different stores. A smile never made an appearance on her face, she was mad. Mad that his opinion meant something to Christine, that she'd pick the counter top he liked best and put it in her father's home.

A knife sitting at the sink caught her attention. Inhalants were strange. She always followed through with her impulses and never gave anything much thought. This time wasn't any different. The high wasn't there but the after affects were enough. Her arm reached down and her hand wrapped around the dark handle of the sharp knife.

Humming a song she heard earlier on the radio, a real catchy tune she couldn't get out of her head, she raised and then quickly lowered the knife into the beautiful dark granite. "It never stops, it never stops, It never stops," She sang the only words she knew out loud hearing the music in her head as she walked around the kitchen, the knife following closely beside her, engraving a deep damaging line into the beautiful surface.

Her gaze landed on the island in the middle of the room. It'd be rude to leave the kitchen without putting so much as a scratch on the new addition to the remodeled kitchen. Michael said he always wanted a kitchen with an island. How nice of her Mother to make his dreams come true. Even if they hardly used anything in the kitchen. It mostly served as the perfect place to keep the liquor cold. Gripping tightly onto the knife, she carved the words 'Fuck' repeatedly around the stove, an image of her thighs came to mind and she had an idea of what she wanted to fill her canvas with.

Satisfied with the Kitchen's new look, the teenager dropped the knife into the sink and casually walked to the refrigerator, looking for more water. The tall blue bottle hiding behind the milk and orange juice captured her attention. Like a mindless insect drawn to bright lights, she reached deep inside and wrapped her hand around the cold, blue glass. SKYY Vodka. Familiar with the brand, she hopped onto the kitchen's island and opened the liquor bottle, taking two healthy swallows-

'That's not a drink for little girls' She dropped the bottle jumping at the sound of shattering glass, feeling the liquid splash onto her skin, her throat shakily swallowed the vodka in her mouth. 'But you're not a little girl anymore.'

She had to get out of the house.

_**T**_he young brunette sitting in the driver's seat of an expensive Porsche stared daze like out the windshield, her mind quiet for once as she listened to satellite radio. Anyone staring at the vehicle could easily mistake her for one of the many rich, spoiled, enviously gorgeous daughter's of a singer or movie star running around L.A with their VISA's and Mastercards in hand. Her outfit screamed money she didn't have hiding painful bruises underneath. Unlike the daughter's of those successful celebrities, nothing was ever handed to her without a price tag, especially money.

Ashley found herself in a familiar area. There was no need to look up at the street signs. She had them all memorized. It would be easy to declare the vicinity her second home. There were night clubs on almost every corner catering her most sinful darkest desires on a regular basis. Stopped at a red light, looking around with little interest, humming to the song filling the air, she wasn't sure what she wanted. Confusion had followed her from the Mansion's driveway to the street she sat at now. Hopping into the dark gray Porsche wearing clothes that screamed 'fuck me' she sat clueless behind the wheel unsure of a destination. Eying the well known party street and its people, frustration was beginning to set in feeling no real desire to park the car and venture.

Turning the wheel into the nearest parking lot of the nearest club, the teenager ignored her feelings and forced herself outside the comfort of the Porsche and onto the streets of L.A. Where else would she go? Back home? That wasn't an option and she didn't have the money to waste gas on aimless driving. Spencer came to mind throughout the drive, but she didn't give her much thought. Her parent's were back from a two week cruise. They would want warm, loving family time, leaving little opportunity for Spencer and her to fuck. There would be no point in going. Spencer would feel the same way. It's not like she had piercing green eyes and a guitar.

Voices floated all around her, their owners gorgeous men and women of all ages, she stepped into the club thankful for the loud music hoping it'd wash away the negative thoughts swimming in her head. Walking through the crowded night club booming with excitement and joy, her hand unconsciously moved to her abdomen, gripping her bruised side. The memory of Christine's sharp heel stomping on her vulnerable body clear and crisp in her mind. Dancing wasn't much of an option, she could barely walk without aggravating the tender flesh.

Leaning back against a nearby wall, disgusted with the hell her heels put her feet through, she slid down and sat on the floor watching but not seeing much. Her eyes blankly looked through the mass of dancing bodies, ignoring faces. Why she was there was a mystery. Leaving the house in the first place made little sense. 17 with a fake ID, no money or drugs, a bruised, aching body- what was she expecting to accomplish?

"Can I buy you a drink?"

The words were screamed close to her right ear. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice her new company settle beside her on his ass. It was strange how she attracted strangers sitting on the sidelines of a dirty dance floor against an empty wall. Men had such low standards, she thought turning her head to examine the very kind one willing to buy her alcohol. He looked around 22 with black spiky hair, a muscular body, and a reasonably cute face topped with an eye brow piercing. The teenager leaned over, her lips hovering close to his ear, she replied, "And what would you like in return? Nice conversation?"

He turned his head wanting to gauge the expression on her face. She gave little of what she was feeling away, masking her face with a serious yet challenging look. Nothing he was used to. The girls he normally went after smiled sweetly or giggled bubbly accepting his offer for a drink and a dance. But the beautiful brunette was different. He leaned over again, and screamed into her ear, "What does two drinks get me?"

Compromising with men wasn't new to her. It came almost naturally but to a younger audience. Normally, teenage boys from King or other high schools at house parties or sometimes she'd find someone her age in a club and allow them to show her their car. Inside and out, but mostly the back seat. Glen was always around, it was his job to find the guys who wanted a piece of her, and to stay around while she made the money, keeping a close eye on her, making sure the guys didn't go too crazy. No Spencer, I didn't fuck your brother but he's seen me fuck countless times, she thought darkly moving closer to the stranger. "200 gets you a blow job in the bathroom."

The price was a little ridiculous but she was sober. The more she felt the more he paid. Watching his shocked face, it became clear he wasn't used to paying for sex. The man was good looking enough to not have to try very hard to lure women onto his cock. The possibility of him saying no didn't bother her. A large part of her wanted him to say no because she was sober and would remember every gruesome detail. There would be no fog or questioning, she'd know for sure it happened and remember his face and...taste.

"Deal." He screamed loudly into her ear.

Standing up, he reached down and offered her his hand. She took it. The music pulsating through the building drew the majority of the club to the dance floor. She couldn't get into it. Faintly grasping her bruised side, the pain would ruin what little good time she had dancing. And it would be there in the restroom, gritting her teeth, she'd get through it and everything would be okay.

Removing her eyes from the dark floor, they landed on broad back. The man was nice enough to loosely hold onto her hand, leading her through the throng of moving bodies, not too eager to push her up against a dirty stall wall and have his way with her.

He stepped into the restroom first, pulling her inside a second later, looking over his shoulder to flash her a small smile. It didn't make her feel better and she simply looked away feeling everyone's eyes on her. She slightly relaxed watching the nameless man close and lock the door to the stall. The next second he was smiling down at her, placing his hands on her hips, the little comfort she got watching the door close vanished and she stiffened under the fingers on her body.

Remaining silent and dropping his gaze, her eyes focused on his jeans and she moved her hands to his crotch. "Hold up." She looked at him. "For 2 hundred I want some foreplay." He dipped his head a wide toothy smile shaping his lips. "I want to enjoy you a little."

The smell of his hair gel assaulted her senses as he dropped his head, placing his lips on her neck. She flinched at the contact but he kept going tasting the sensitive skin there. Her eyes focused on the ceiling. In an attempt to relax, she wrapped her arms around him hoping her body would betray her and she'd enjoy him kissing down her neck. The stinging behind her eyes told her it wasn't possible, and when he moved his hand to her breast, cupping a little too hard, she flinched again. "Are you new at this?" He confusedly questioned gazing into her eyes.

Startled, she gazed back speechless and simply shook her head from side to side. "Sure you're not a virgin?" He questioned further, "You seem a bit...tense."

There was never anytime for conversation when she sold her body. Talking was the last thing she was ever capable of doing. But there was nothing stopping her now and she felt uncomfortable with the stranger's eyes on her, waiting for an answer. "I'm very virginal." She purred licking the outer shell of his ear. "So take my cherry."

"You'd let me?" He asked with surprise gazing into her face with wide eyes.

"F-For a higher price." She stuttered fearful of what she was offering the stranger. A chance to fuck her right there in the Men's restroom. Condoms, did he even have one? What if he didn't? Would she still let him? "I want 5."

"500 dollars?!" He asked incredulously.

"I'm worth it." She replied forcing a grin on her face.

"Okay." He gave in smiling a little. "But I get to eat you out first."

"D-Do whatever you want. Just no kissing. I hate kissing."

"No problem." He agreed continuing to knead her breast. "I love your body." He whispered in her ear. "Just so petite." Ashely went back to staring up at the ceiling, counting the seconds in her head...

_**E**_ctasy. Grinning into the darkness, head pressed against the hard steering wheel, eyes closed in bliss- she understood how the drug got its name. The world's evil slowly faded into good, there was no pain anywhere, and her mother's fury never existed. Her fingertips brushing against her skin felt amazing. Everything she touched elicited a surge of joy to run through her, widening the smile on her face, one she promised would never go away.

Fucking the guy was worth it. Maybe not at the time...but now, she would do it all over again feeling as if she owed him more than a nice fuck for the incredible drug. "How do you feel about E?" He asked handing her the 500 hundred dollars in the dimly lit men's room. Her dull eyes lightened at the inquiry. "I love it." She replied and then smiled for the first time that night receiving a small white tablet. "Enjoy." They walked out of the bathroom, going their separate ways. Now, Ashley sat in the expensive leather of her car radio blasting in sync with the AC enjoying the drugs in her system. Enjoying the world in general. Nothing was wrong, too numb to ever feel pain, euphoria blasting through every part of her body, she would gladly die feeling this amazing and call it the perfect ending.

Minutes, hours, days, she wasn't sure how long she sat in the club's parking lot listening to the soft music spilling out of the speakers. Time meant little to her. Nothing but the music and the cold air hitting her skin mattered. Muddled voices from all around disrupted her, there was yelling, drunks fighting, Ashley lifted her head and her eyes went to the review mirror, giving her a nice view of the building.

She didn't want to be there anymore.

Putting the car in reverse, she pulled out of the parking lot, not bothering to look over her shoulder first. Luckily there was no one behind her and she drove out of the parking lot without hitting someone. A song she was familiar with came on the satellite radio and the lazy, pleasant, happy, floating expression painted her face as she sang along to the catchy music. "I like you, and I'd like you to like me to like you. But I don't need you, don't need you to want me to like you because if you didn't like me, I would still like you, you see. La la la."

Desiring the outside air, wanting to feel it through her hair and face, she rolled down all the windows singing from the top of her lungs.

There was no destination in mind as she drove through street after street singing. Home wasn't an option. Her mother would grab the knife she used to ruin her kitchen on her neck, slashing a long line through her throat, smiling the whole time. "I fuck you, and I love you to love me to fuck you But I don't fucking need you Don't need you to need me to fuck you If you need me to need you to fuck That fucks everything up."

Like so many times before, the curly haired teenager wondered why her Mother hated her so much. Would things be different if she was like Spencer? Probably not. As a little girl she'd always over hear her and Raife's arguments and more than once listened to the words 'You should have never talked me out of an abortion! Now I'm stuck with you and a baby!'

Tears stung her eyes but she refused to let them fall. Ecstasy was supposed to make everything beautiful, she wasn't going to cry while on it. Instead, she was going to smile and admired the world around her. Stopped at a stop sign in a nice subdivision mirroring the one she lived in, she stared at a tree planted in front of a gorgeous house. "I love you, and I love how you love how I love you But I don't need you Don't need you to love me to love you If your love changed into hate Would my love have been a mistake? La la la La la la."

Her eyes moved up the long, strong trunk to the naked branches at the top. How easy it'd be to end everything right then and there. Make her Mother happy for once and just...end it. The car did 0 to 60 in under 5 seconds, without a seatbelt, she'd most likely be dead on impact. "So I'm gonna leave you, and I'd like you to leave me to leave you But lover believe me, it isn't because I don't need you (you know I don't need you) All I wanted was to be wanted But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed La la la La la la la la la la la la."

The perfect ending. Life felt amazing at the moment, but it wasn't going to last forever. Every drug had a come down and every come down left her wanting more. Always wanting more...the feeling made her miserable and desperate. Fucking men in bathrooms...w-when she had a girlfriend? Spencer...Closing her eyes, her foot hovering on the gas, murmuring 'I'm sorry' she pushed hard on the pedal.

Out of nowhere, seconds away from the tree, she braked, hard. Her head hit the roof of the car as it jerked harshly from stopping at a fast speed. Heart racing in her chest, hands trembling, she looked at the passenger seat and stared at the reason she stopped. The phone rang loudly beside her. Reaching out, she brought it to her ear and with a shaky voice answered. "H-Hello?"

"Thank god you answered." The voice on the other end sounded relieved. "I've been worried sick about you."

Ashley blinked sitting in the awkwardly parked car. "You have?" She quietly questioned. "Why?"

"I heard you checked out and I've been calling all day but you never picked up-"

"What did you think happened to me?" Curiosity took over for a moment and she couldn't help but wonder why the blonde was so worried. Looking up at the tree she had come close to hitting, seconds away from death, she frowned in the darkness of the car. There was so much that could happen to her. "Drug overdose, car accident, Christine-" She stopped talking realizing she named them all out loud. "None of that happened and I'm okay. My phone's been in my car all day a-and the house phone is lost, dead somewhere." With a silent sigh, she added, "I'm sorry I made you worry."

"I'm just glad you're okay. I was going to ask if you wanted to come over for dinner but I guess it's too late, you're probably tired-"

"I can be there in under 10 minutes." In a more hesitant voice she added, "if you still want me too."

"I always want you over."


	15. Chapter 15

Sorry its been awhile. I've just been real busy with school and work and friends, but I'm really going to try and focus more time on writing because I've missed it. Thank you so much for reading and the feedback is deeply appreciated. Enjoy!

Chapter 15

_**A**_ll thought died away at seeing those blue eyes. Beautiful, familiar, warm, and loving- they were in shock, examining every inch of her from head to toe. They met her brown, pinning them down with an intensity that pierced through the fog of ecstasy. The brunette felt her, her fears and concerns. The way her lips parted before quickly closing again. The blonde stood speechless and didn't know what to think of the girl standing before her wearing clothes that left little to the imagination. Most of her abdomen revealed, brutal words hidden along with a bruise that took hours to properly cover, one she vowed Spencer would never see.

Standing outside on the door step, like an open book, she saw all of Spencer's concerns. Always concerned...why? Ashley didn't understand why she always wore such a painful expression whenever she was around. The brunette found herself wishing she were like everyone else. Someone oblivious to her inner turmoil, someone who didn't give a fuck! Tears burned behind her eyes and she wasn't sure why. Crying wasn't what she had in mind showing up. The plan was to sleep with Spencer and leave. A booty call, that's what this was about.

Spencer just wanted to cum.

Acting impulsively, face expressionless, hiding what was numbing all over again. There was no guilt or arousal as she pressed her body into the blonde's. Closing her eyes, she was briefly aware of the warm breath tickling her skin followed by the feel of soft lips pressed against hers. With one hand she cupped her face, deepening the kiss, teasing her tongue, and with the other she cupped her breast kneading it through her clothing. She was going to make Spencer feel better than the fucker in the bathroom! Her girlfriend was going to cum and cum and cum and cum- The blonde turned away from the kiss and gently pushed her back. "What are you doing?"

The question took her off guard and she stared strangely into the blonde's eyes wondering why they weren't darkened with desire or why she didn't give her a hungry stare like the stranger in the restroom. Didn't _she_ love her petite body? "I-I..." Her lips sealed shut and she looked down. "Isn't this what you want?"

The question was asked dejectedly, her voice quiet and tired as she stared at the floor. She wasn't good enough to sleep with Spencer. The blonde must have finally realized how filthy she was, smelled the guy on her, tasted him on her breath- she wanted to cry, curl up in a ball and close her eyes, never opening them again. The ecstasy did little to make her feel good. Did nothing to clean how dirty she felt.

"Don't you want me?" She murmured more to herself than to Spencer, losing herself in her thoughts, disappearing from the room. A soft touch to the face and she flinched stumbling back into the door. Her hand moved covering the hidden bruise on her side, the dull pain taking her back to the bathroom stall. His hands gripped her too tightly there as she awkwardly rode him on the toilet seat. She was thankful for the condom he wore without any complaints. He must have thought she was full of STDs by the way he quickly slipped it on. Not that it mattered, he ate her out and her body betrayed her by liking it, giving him more and more...

Ashley slid down the door until she was seated on the floor, staring blankly at the same spot on the carpet. She could still feel his hands on her, remember every flick of his tongue, the smell of the alcohol on his breath- why didn't she hit the tree? He would be there forever in her mind and she would see his face whenever she fell asleep and wake up tormented by it- She should have hit the tree and erased him forever from her mind.

A warm body settled next to hers on the floor and she flinched a second time feeling an arm brush against her. She didn't want to sleep with anymore men. There was enough money maybe she could tell Glen to reschedule because she was too tired to fuck anyone else- "Get the fuck away from me!" She snapped attempting to move away, far far away where no one could touch her tainted skin. His moans filled her head again, his ecstasy soon becoming hers, she didn't feel it now. Nothing felt good. Not even the soothing words being spoken to her as someone' else's arms succeeded in capturing her small frame holding her tight against a strong body. Spencer. The tears came rushing down again. "No! Please just let me go, you don't want me, please! Just let me go." Her face fell against the other girls shoulder as she held the blond with all her might. "God, Spence, just kill me. I don't want to be here anymore, just fucking kill me!"

"You don't want that-"

Jerking back from loving arms, her wild brown eyes stared fiercely into watery blue. A sadness accompanied the tears, and Ashley knew her words had hurt her heart, the beating organ now aching where it lied in her lover's chest. She didn't care. "Why wouldn't I? My Mother hates me!" Her eyes tore away from the blonde's and moved to her revealed abdomen. Her fingers moved to the skin, clawing madly at the expertly done makeup and tattoo concealer hiding her scars and fresh bruises. 'Ashley stop!' She didn't hear the words and fought the hands trying to force her to listen. "Look at me." With an insane smile, her eyes moved back up.

Spencer sat speechless examining the damage. The skin stained with the words 'Kill Me' now had large dark bruises beside them. And before anything was said, she was gathered in strong arms again. "Oh Ash.." The brunette melted into the embrace feeling the girl holding her softly kiss the top of her head. Closing her eyes, she smiled fighting back a moan. Everywhere tingled with pleasure. A warm rush ran through her veins replacing fear with ecstasy. It was back erasing her bad thoughts. She felt nice again. Decent. "You told me she stopped...but she never did, did she?"

The brunette shook her head smiling at the intoxicating sensations running through her body. Warm arms held her tighter and she felt tears land on her naked skin but paid no attention to them. Nothing but the pleasure mattered. "You've been through so much, so so much...where have I been?" More tears followed the statement, they didn't register in Ashley's mind. She was too busy kissing the skin closets to her lips, loving the taste of the blonde's skin arousing her to no end. "Why haven't I been there for you?" The words were spoken above a whisper, Ashley barely heard them, and pulled away when she did.

She watched the tears roll down the blonde's cheeks, drawing her brows together, a second later her fingertips came up to her lips and she gasped. "Spenny I'm sorry, I'm s-so sorry I-I didn't mean to hurt you." She moved out of the blonde's arms, horrified. "I'm just like him."

Ashley Ashley Ashley she heard her name in pleas spilling from her lover's lips but she wouldn't listen and shrugged the tender hands off her body. "What's wrong with me?" She lifted her face from her hands and stared at Spencer through her tears. The blonde reached out brushing her fingers through her bangs with her own tears. "I'm sorry." Ashley sniffled finally allowing the blonde's arms to wrap around her, too exhausted to keep fighting them off. Eyes closed, she was 12 years old again hating herself for hurting Spencer and ashamed of liking it. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me." The words were whispered. "I promise."

"Are you sure?" She whimpered wanting to look into her face but too tired to move from the warmth of the body holding her. "Because Michael really hurt me and I did that to you. I...did that to you. Why?"

"Because you love me."

Ashley frowned at the response staring blankly at the far wall, her mind muddled with confusion and ecstasy. The closeness was too much, she was feeling it again, and for some reason she really wanted to kiss her friend. Horrified, her mind told her to leave but her body wouldn't listen. Leaning into the blonde felt too good. "No I don't." She smiled against the soft material of her shirt. "I don't love you." The hand running through her hair paused and the body holding her tensed.

"You don't mean that."

The brunette suddenly felt sad. It was a familiar feeling when hurting her friend with harsh words. But it was the right thing to do. Keep Spencer as far away as possible. She wasn't good enough to speak the truth. I love you...Spencer deserved better. "You don't know anything."

She wanted to leave, hop in her car and disappear. It didn't feel right. Nothing felt good. Moving slowly in attempt to free herself from loving arms, she slid down the blonde's body not getting very far. With wide open eyes, the brunette turned over lying on her back with her head in the blonde's lap peering up into blue eyes. They were puffy, wet, and breath taking. "What don't I know, Ash. Tell me."

Ashley saw her lips moving forming the words before she heard them and too caught up memorizing the small details of her lover's face, she didn't understand. Nothing made any sense. Why was Spencer crying? "Tell you what?"

Her eyes stayed focused on blunt nails watching as they descended up into the air. Brown eyes filled with wonder feeling the strands of soft blonde hair flow between her fingers. Where she was and what she was doing didn't click right in her head. For a moment, her eyes fluttered shut and she shook her head trying to differentiate what was real and what was a figment of her fucked up imagination. Was Spencer real? Brown eyes opened and Ashley followed the other girl's hands, watching them reach up wiping away the wetness from her face. "Your dark secrets." She finally whispered softly touching the brunette's face. "The ones destroying you."

Secrets. The word entered her mind altering her mood. A frown shaped her lips and she looked almost sad. Gazing up into waiting blue eyes, she opened her mouth ready to speak, but nothing came out. This couldn't be real. She didn't want it to be real. "I really really like you." The words were simple and she spoke them while moving her hand, stopping at the blonde's wrist. "Let me show you." Never breaking eye contact she removed the soft touch from her face and brought the fingertips to her lips, placing a gentle kiss. "I'm good at it."

Ashley took one finger into her mouth and slowly sucked on it closing her eyes, she moved her lips to the next one and didn't stop until she reached the end. "Ashley," She heard but didn't want to listen. Kissing her wrist, she trailed her lips up the blonde's arm, "You don't-" She silenced Spencer with her lips desperately kissing her until they were both breathless. "Stop."

The brunette kissed her again before she could say another word and urged her onto her back on the floor covering her body with her own. Ashley moved her hands to Spencer's wrists and pinned them down above her head kissing her more roughly. The blonde's struggling was oblivious to her, in her mind she was thrashing in pleasure, moving eagerly against the thigh Ashley placed between her legs. She felt nothing but arousal and need. The need to be inside Spencer, she wanted to feel the effects she had on the blonde. Breaking the kiss, she savagely sucked down her neck trailing her hand down her body. Without much thought, she slipped past the waistband of Spencer's gym shorts and found the thickness of her desire.

"Ash." The teenager paid no attention to her name. She was too focused on the beautiful body withering underneath hers. The taste of her clean skin and the feel of her slippery clit encouraging her to go farther. "Please, stop."

"Stop?" She paused fixated on the black lettering on the blonde's shirt. "Stop." She repeated and looked up. Spencer said nothing and didn't move. The silence along with the fresh tears spilling from her eyes made Ashley look away. Nothing felt right. "Why am I here?" She wondered staring wide eyed at her hand in Spencer's shorts. Acting impulsively, she removed it and quickly got off her, so fast she stumbled over twice. Stranding, she held onto the wall her head spinning. "I...I have to go."

An arm wrapped around her shoulders. "Lets go upstairs."

Staring at the door knob, she shook her head too afraid to look at her friend but not understanding why. "I-I need to leave."

"Stay with me." A soft kiss to the temple followed the warm whispered words. "Please."

Ashley leaned into her shaking her head no. "I can't." She murmured not sure why but knowing she couldn't stay. "Did I do something wrong?" Being with Spencer didn't feel right. There was something...wrong.

"No." The blonde softly kissed her curly hair. "Every thing's okay."

Ashley looked up into her face and watched the tears slowly roll down. "Then why are you crying?" She reached up and tenderly cupped her cheek, wiping the salty wetness from her skin. "Why do I always make you cry?" She moved her hand from the wall and curled it around the hair on Spencer's neck. "All I want to do is make you happy." She whispered staring heart broken into her friend's sad face. "Are you happy?" She swallowed hard fighting back her own tears. "Do I make you happy?" They finally fell and she let them lost too deep in blue eyes to even think of wiping them away. "Do I ever make you happy?"

Spencer closed the distance between their mouths and kissed her softly, running her hand through her hair. "I'm very happy with you." She kissed away the new droplets escaping blue eyes. "I just wish I was around more to make you happy."

Startled by the softly spoken confession, she slightly moved back meeting her gaze. "You've always made me happy-"

"I haven't been there for you." The brunette watched her strangely as she looked away. "I should have saved you from her along time ago."

"They should change your name from Phoenix to superwoman." She whispered with an almost evil smile moving forward to kiss her cheek. It wasn't long before she wanted more. So much more...she wanted to devour the blonde. Ashley cupped the side of her face urging her against the wall, finding her mouth and quickly deepening the kiss as she moved her body teasingly against the blonde, rubbing her in all the right places- "Stop."

"I'm not going to." The brunette traced her jawline and trailed down the length of her neck, loving the feel of soft skin under her fingertips. "I'll take you by force if I have to." A small smile tilted her lips as she dipped her head, wanting another taste of her lips. "I have the experience." Spencer sharply turned her head away and she jerked back staring confusedly into the blonde's incredulous gaze.

"How could you joke about that?"

"I-I.." Ashley stammered shocked by the anger in the blonde's face and tone. She closed her mouth and stared helplessly into her face not sure what to say or do. Brown eyes left blue and landed on the floor. Her head hurt. She brought her fingers to her temples and began rubbing them vigorously. There was something wrong. So so wrong. She felt sick and ashamed. Images passed through her mind and she saw his face again, drowned in pleasure as she rode him, his grunts assaulting her ears...

"Come here." The soothing voice beckoned wrapping strong arms around the dazed teenager's shoulders. "Don't cry, Ash. Everything will be okay. I'll make everything okay again. Shhh, don't cry."

"I'm so tired, Spenny." She whispered through her tears fiercely holding onto her friend. "I'm so fucking tired."

"I know, Sweetheart." A gentle kiss was placed at the crown of her head. "Lets go to bed."

_**I**_n and out, In and out, the night was full of confusion and a tenderness her mind was to fucked up to comprehend. Lying in bed, her head resting comfortably on a pillow, brown eyes opened and saw a girl her age sitting up beside her staring out into the darkness. Oblivious to the tears on Spencer's face, Ashley watched and then gave into her curiosity. Reaching out, she wondered if it was a dream or not. If she was really alive...or dead. "Are you an angel?" Her drowsy voice broke the silence as she touched the girl's soft skin, straining to see her face in the darkness.

Panic. It instantly filled her, a harsh pounding started in her chest, where was she? Who was this person with her? Why was it so dark- "Am I dead?" She asked a second later, horrified. "I don't want to die." Brown eyes closed. "Daddy where are you?" She asked, terrified. "Daddy save me." She whimpered being urged into a warm body, convinced that the arms wrapped around her pathetic crying form would protect her. She grasped onto Spencer with white knuckles, sobbing into the material of her shirt. It hurt. Everything always fucking hurt.

_Daddy's going out, Angel. And if you never see me again just know I love you with all my heart. Your Mommy did something very bad to me and I have to go away for a little while but I still love her and you should too. I want you to always love your Mommy, Angel and take care of her. I want you to make sure she stays safe and protect her. I'll see you soon, Love Daddy. _

Her lips silently formed the word 'No' as she lied awake refusing to open her eyes. The note occupied her thoughts and she turned angry. Christine had killed her father. She was convinced. The bitch cheated on him and he couldn't take the betrayal. It was too much for a man deeply in love with his wife. Michael. She cheated on him with fucking Michael. And not too long after Raife's funeral he was living in his house fucking his daughter.

Brown eyes snapped open fuming. She felt sick a second later. The darkness surrounding her was familiar, she made out everything with ease and it horrified her. She was at Spencer's house, in her room, on her bed...lying beside her. She didn't bother trying to remember how she got there. Her memory was foggy and she didn't want to know what led her to the blonde's house. The last thing she remembered was being...with him.

Carefully slipping out of the bed, she noticed the blonde's pajama clothes on her body and paused. Her head turned and she stared at the sleeping girl. The tears fell immediately. Guilt washed over her along with shame. Her girlfriend's hands touched her filthy clothes, removing them from her disgusting body, to put clean pajamas on her so she could sleep comfortably.

She had to get out of there.

Quietly, she looked around for her old clothes and car keys in the dark. Being there was killing her, she couldn't stand it knowing what she had done the night before, every detail clear and crisp in her mind. Fucking him sober was a bad idea. Her dirty clothes were neatly folded on top of the dresser. She fell to her knees realizing her keys were nowhere to be found.

She was stuck.

Deciding to take a shower, she got up and headed to the bathroom.

She needed to wash him off her skin.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

_**A**_shley felt the intense ache in her legs, their screaming for release. She ignored the pain finding the perfection she craved to be more important. Following the brush in her hand with her eyes, watching it paint a new face. The colors were different, not what she was used to, but she made it work, expertly hiding the bruising on her face.

She had years of experience.

Her legs screamed in protest from being crossed too long on the bathroom's long vanity but nothing was going to stop her. The hours could turn into days and be lost to her forever and she wouldn't care as long as she liked what she saw in the mirror.

Someone different, refreshed, and beautiful.

"Fuck!" She hissed violently shaking her trembling hand. Throwing the make up brush aside, she decided to take a break. Frustration filled the small clean bathroom as she took a hard look at herself in the mirror, examining every detail of her face, making sure everything was perfect.

It wasn't good enough.

It was never good enough. She still looked like Ashley and she didn't want to look anything like the girl who could fuck some guy and then run to her girlfriend afterwards, allowing her hands to touch her disgusting body...

Running a hand through her slightly damp curls, her eyes met the door in the mirror and her thoughts wondered down the hallway.

Would Spencer be awake by now? A surge of excitement ran through her, a familiar sensation, one she felt often as a kid when it was time to go see her best friend. A smile threatened to cross her lips but she stopped it wanting to cry and scream. No, she couldn't smile right now. There was nothing to be happy about. Her eyes fell down to her arm and a scowl washed over her face. No matter how long she stayed under the shower head she couldn't wash him away, she still smelled him on her, remembered every detail of his face, his alcohol stained breath fresh in her mouth- she buried her face in her hands.

Where were her keys? She wanted to get out of there and take something to make everything go away.

Anything to make her mind disappear- she was on the bathroom floor digging under the sink for anything with a caution label, the warning telling you to stay away, inhaling this product could be fatal.

There was nothing.

Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, she didn't want to be sober, everything hurt too bad.

Slamming the small door shut, she scooted back against the wall, defeated.

_**O**_**ne, two, three, four... Young brown eyes stared at the bedside clock, counting the seconds. Her youthful features stayed expressionless watching time slowly go by. She wasn't alone, and lying in bed, she wondered if that was a good thing or if she wished the other person would go away and leave her alone for the night.**

She wouldn't be alone then either.

Lately, loneliness was a thing of the past.

The thought brought a pathetic smile to her face, just a simple tilt to the left side of her mouth. "I'm okay. How many times do I have to tell you? You're worrying for nothing."

"I love you, Ashley and I hate to see you hurt-"

"Nothing hurts." The 12 year old cut her best friend off wanting the conversation to end. She was tired of talking about herself. Everyone asking if she was alright, giving their apologies for her father's death. It was all bullshit and none of it made her feel better. If anything, it annoyed her. "Besides, my Mother's moved on pretty easily," She reminded bitterly with Michael coming to mind. "I guess it just runs in the family." Moving on wasn't too hard with a little help. "There's nothing to worry about, I'm still the same person. And I love you too. See? I don't hate the world and I'm not going all goth anytime soon. He's been dead for 4 months now. I'm over it."

After a moment of silence, an unsure 'okay' was her reply. Both girls knew she was lying. Ashley wasn't the same person. Everything wasn't okay and she couldn't move on, refused to accept her father's death, hated the sight of that fucking note she wouldn't allow herself to throw away. Hated the man sleeping with her Mother who she always hated. The world was horrible to her and she didn't want any part of it anymore.

But Spencer could never know that. She really did love the blonde and didn't want her to worry. If anything, she tried to be the same person around her, did everything to make it seem like everything was okay, but it was becoming painfully obvious she wasn't doing a good job. Spencer still worried about her, noticing the way she came to school completely hung over and always accepted the line, "I just didn't get much sleep' never thinking her friend would steal her mother's liquor and drink until holding the bottle to her lips became an impossible task.

"I wish you could have slept over tonight."

"You're not tired of me yet?" She mocked astonished.

"I'll never get tired of you. And I know you feel the same way."

Ashley stayed quiet a little too long and grinned when the little blonde opened her mouth again. "Ashley!"

"I feel the same way. Besides, you're the only one who puts up with me and my shit. Without you it'd just be me and...them." Her smile was completely gone replaced with a disgusted scowl. One she wore often when the pair was around. "But Christine and the man she fucks won't stop me from sleeping over next time. Promise." She added trying to sound normal, somewhat excited about sleeping over. Summer being a few days away. "I should let you get some sleep. It is a school night." She added doing her best Paula impression, ending the phone call before the blonde voiced anymore concerns.

A soft chuckle was her friend's reply followed by a slightly hesitant 'Alright' "Goodnight, Ash. I love you."

A soft smile shaped her lips. Ever since her father's death, the blonde has taken every opportunity to tell her that. "I love you too." She replied always meaning every word. "Good night, Spenny." She pulled the phone away from her ear and hit the end button, staring at the black cordless in her hand.

There was never any guilt, sometimes she wondered how throwing the phone aside and getting off the bed could be so easy. Opening the door, and walking down the dark hallway, careful not to wake Christine and the bastard sleeping in her father's bed, why could she always do it without feeling anything? There was a numbness blocking her conscious, something she was beginning to suspect didn't exist. At least not to her. Lying, stealing, drinking- she did it all more and more everyday having little regard for anyone else's feelings.

Her needs came first.

Especially now.

The kitchen was dark and the light switch was ignored as she walked to the refrigerator, thirsty. Excitement blazed up inside her as she wrapped her hand around the handle. An overwhelming need consumed her. She needed this, her body craved for every drop sitting in the dark blue SKYY bottle. She wanted to soar high above the clouds and the Vodka would take her there.

She grabbed the bottle.

"That's not a drink for little girls. " The lights came on just as she closed the fridge. A second later, she turned around and saw him. Standing at the entrance of the kitchen was Michael in nothing but boxer shorts. The redness filling his eyes told her he had been drinking. "But you're not a little girl anymore."

Her eyes looked past him searching for any signs of her Mother's presence.

There was none.

His gaze ravished her, moving up and down her body with a hunger she didn't want any part of. A tank top and shorts covered her small frame, she felt herself grow sick and afraid of what she saw on his face. He wanted her and now more than ever did she wish her Daddy was there. "I've never realized how much you've grown." He began moving, his almost nude form approaching her with each step. "Come give your Step Daddy a hug."

The Vodka fell from her hands as her legs dashed away from the man coming after her. Her racing heart filled her ears as fear shot through her body, adrenalin pumping. Christine, she had to get to her mother and make her stop him.

She fell to the ground and all she could feel was the pressure on her lungs as her head hit the hard tile floor. He was on top of her. The thought made her scream as loud as her lungs would allow. He shut her up with his palm, striking her over and over again. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" He hissed moving his hands up and down her body. She was dizzy and her eyes closed as she screamed against the hand holding down on her lips, painfully gripping her jaw.

Mommy please find me, please wake up and save me, please mommy please mommy please- Her eyes opened wide and the air was knocked out of her body. She stopped breathing feeling her body split into two, hot searing pain in and out, in and out of her, everything hurt, from head to toe all she could feel was pain.

Her eyes rolled in the back of her head and everything faded away.

"Ashley."

She jerked awake, sweat and tears covering her face, every instinct in her body telling her to run, wild brown eyes seeing nothing but red, she had no idea where she was, who was with her- she just had to get out of there. In one quick motion, she was off the bathroom floor and headed to the door, "Agh!" She cried out holding onto her side. Hands, someone's hands were on her, she fought them off, "No! Get the fuck away from me!" She hissed moving away from them.

Cradling her side, she fell to her knees staring at the bathroom floor through tear filled eyes. Waking up to her name, she saw Christine barely through her swollen eyes and got up ignoring the pain, "Mommy." She cried wrapping her arms around Spencer, holding on as if her life depended on it, "Mommy." The memory filled her mind, and she was reliving every moment. The pain was there as her young body was shoved back to the ground, her hair pulled as her Mother screamed, 'He told me everything! How you flaunted yourself to him, wanting him to fuck you, being a man he said he couldn't help himself and now he's gone!' The palm of her hand colliding with her swollen bruised face over and over again, "You stole and ruined the love of my life you selfish fucking whore! Was it good? Him fucking you until you passed out!'

"No Mommy no! Please no mommy, please don't hurt me, I didn't do anything! Please Mommy please, don't hurt me. I didn't do anything, I promise." Nuzzling her face into the fabric of a soft T-shirt, her arms tightened around the blonde's body.

"I won't, Baby, I promise no one will ever hurt you again." The words were followed by a gentle touch to her scalp, the delicate fingers running through her curly hair, soothing her soul, relaxing her body, she smiled feeling safe in her Mother's arms for the first time ever.

"You're falling asleep." The words were softly spoken and she simply nodded to them, Exhaustion wracked her body, what little sleep she had gotten was plagued, but for some reason, she felt a blanket of protection fall over her and she knew there was nothing to fear.

Dreaming wouldn't be a torment this time.

Everything would be okay. "Lets get you to bed." Gentle hands moved down her body and helped her up off her knees. She leaned into the body holding hers as they walked, the pain almost too much to bear. Her eyes stayed tightly shut as pain shot up and down her body. "It hurts." Her raspy voice softly cried. "Why does everything always hurt?"

"We're almost there, Sweetheart. You'll feel better soon."

"Promise? I never want to feel like this again. Everything hurts, I-I don't like it. I want it to go away. Can I have some of your Valium? Please Mommy. I've had it before, don't be mad, it was just...a few cards. You had so many, I just wanted some after Daddy died. I wanted to stop feeling sad, like you. I wanted everything to go away, Mommy, don't be mad."

"I'm not mad." A soft kiss was placed on her forehead, she smiled at the nice sensation temporally taking all the pain away. "Go to sleep, Sweetheart. You'll feel better when you wake up."

"I'll never feel better." She whispered with a sad smile feeling too weak to move. Her limbs too heavy to lift, mind foggy, nothing made any sense and underneath there was just one thing she really really wanted. Cocaine or painkillers, something to inhale, a toxic gas to take her out of this world, a handful of muscle relaxers, Xanax, she wanted fucking Xanax! Xanax, Valium, and Coke! Like that one night not too long ago where she mixed all three of them with Vodka and woke up with a 1000 dollars in her purse and no remembrance of how it got there.

Those were her favorite nights.

The ones she couldn't remember.

"Are you on anything?"

"No." The smile left her lips as she slowly gave into her exhaustion. "But I want to be."

_**T**_**he day was dark, cloudy, and cold. She didn't enjoy it. Nothing could make her smile. Anger dwelled deep inside of her along with a fury she was having trouble containing. The priest spoke, his words deaf to her ears. She wasn't interested in what an old stranger had to say about her father. Her poor poor Daddy...Raife's closed casket waiting to be buried- she avoided looking at it not wanting to cry.**

Spencer had done enough crying for the both of them.

Spencer and...Christine.

On the other side of the casket was her grieving mother and an older woman who claimed to be a relative. She held Christine as she sobbed, whispering to her, stroking her hair as others around watched with their own tears.

It was all bullshit.

Just an act.

Her tears meant nothing.

Where were they when she was fucking some other guy behind her Father's back!

The young brunette felt a soft touch against her arm and turned her head, meeting a sad blue gaze. Her eyes dropped to their linked hands. Seeing the whiteness of her knuckles from the pressure of her grip, she immediately let go. Everything tuned out moments before became an assault on her senses. The Priest holding a bouquet of flowers, throwing pedals onto the lowering casket, she looked up and met brown eyes.

Christine flashed her a small smile.

She had to leave.

Dodging tombstones, her legs carried her as fast as they could through the cemetery, knowing to run far far away from her. That somehow being near that woman would kill her. It was already eating her alive. Knowing what she had done, staring into the Bitch's face was torturous. Especially at her Father's funeral, and that smile... "Fuck you!" She collapsed breathless onto the grass. "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!" With closed fists she hit the ground in a mad frenzy, imagining it was her Mother underneath the assault. She wanted her to hurt. Hurt like she was hurting, she wanted the bitch to feel the pain, all the fucking pain she was in- Christine felt none of it.

"Ashley?"

The voice penetrated through the fog of sorrow, pain and madness. She stopped. Staring at the grass listening to her name, she felt numb. Her body seemed hollow, mind overwhelmed. Spencer getting closer, she focused intently on her footsteps, and unconsciously called out to her.

The small blonde filled her vision, panting. For a moment, she looked around and noticed her father's service missing. The dark red tent was gone and not a soul was in sight. "You're missing the best part." She met blue eyes. "Don't you want to see him buried? Or is my Mother making you uncomfortable with her over dramatic crying? It's just like her to draw all the attention away from him. Bitch." The shock was easy to read on the younger girl's face. How could anyone say that about their grieving mother? It was easy and Spencer didn't know shit. Nobody did. "We should get out of here." The brunette casually suggested standing from the ground. "There's a park nearby."

"We can't just leave-"

"Yes we can." There was a bit of desperation in her voice. She couldn't be there anymore. "Unless you want to stay for all the 'I'm sorry for your loss' and 'he was a great man.' bullshit." She was so tired of hearing it. Everywhere she went it was there, on magazine covers, on TV, even at school, everyone apologizing for the cocaine overdose- it never made her feel better, nothing was going to make her feel better, and she hated everyone who tried. "We'd have more fun at the park."

"B-But what about our parents?"

"They'll get over it." Raising an arm, she offered the blonde her hand, never breaking their gaze. "Trust me." And she did. Spencer's hand came up linking their fingers together with a soft smile.

Finding a way out the cemetery was easy and the walk to the park was comfortable. Neither girl talked, silently enjoying the other's company. They kept their hands linked both needing the contact. "You can blame me if you get in trouble." Ashley spoke for the first time since beginning their little journey.

"Are you nervous?"

"For you." Her eyes stayed on the ground watching her black heels with each step. "I don't care what Christine says." The words were more for herself.

She leaves me alone all the time.

"I wouldn't blame you. You didn't force me to go." Ashley looked at her, a bit unsure. Her numbness was beginning to wear off revealing her hidden conscious. She had spent the silence in deep thought, worrying about her younger friend. "I want to be here with you."

"We could go back." She sincerely suggested.

The blonde shook her head. "I'm not nervous."

Lifting one corner of her mouth in a smile, she playfully murmured, "Are you now, Sunshine?" Watching blue eyes cross in an attempt to see the fat rain drop that had fallen onto her nose.

"No," Spencer finally replied with a bright smile. "I love rain."

"I know you do." Ashley smiled up at the sky watching the clouds release more and more water. It felt good against her skin. "Rain, I don't mind. Shine, the world looks fine.  
I can show you that when it starts to rain everything's the same."

The Beatles. Raife loved them, always blaring the music in the house. Ashley sang it up to him while dancing in the rain. Spencer's voice soon joined in. The blonde loved the Beatles as much as she did. Spencer loved everything as much as she did. The brunette laughed meeting her gaze. Dancing by the main road on a sidewalk for all to see, singing their lungs out to the world- this should have been the funeral. If Raife had to go, he'd want a celebration not a depressing service at a church.

Song after song, they sung loud and proud to the dead rock star watching from high above, smiling at their horrible dancing. It was fun. For the first time in a long time, Ashley found herself laughing obnoxiously. Gazing into the smiling eyes of her friend, she pulled her close twirling her around a couple times before holding her close again. Giggling through their singing, she let her go and continued hopping around the land scape of the shopping center behind them.

A lot of their peers were beginning to date. Girls were noticing boys in a different light. They were no longer gross or infected with cooties, but HOT and something they wanted to play with. Magazines were replacing barbie dolls. The 'thing' to do in class was swarm around the girl with the teen magazine and drool over the famous teenage boys. Aaron Carter was a big one along with his brother and the rest of the boys in that group she could never remember the name of.

Ashley didn't care for any of it, but Spencer was different. People, boys and girls, liked Spencer. She was nice, funny, and social. The blonde wouldn't hesitate taking a peek at the magazine and letting the other girls know who she thought was cute.

It was always their female cast members or girlfriends she'd look at.

Girls, Ashley loved looking at them, and some of them were hot to her.

Spencer.

She had dreams that both tormented and delighted her. Ones where she took the blonde out and they always ended up kissing like in cheesy sappy romance movies.

She hated herself for it.

No one else liked girls.

Including Spencer.

It would never happen, no matter how bad she wanted it to.

Maybe she'd grow out of it and be normal one day.

Smiling that special smile of hers, the one that reached her eyes and lit up her entire face, making Ashley smile- she realized she'd never grow out of it.

She'd always want Spencer.

The sound of a car honking got her attention. Looking away from blue eyes, her heart stopped noticing the Carlin's SUV pulling up to the curve. "What are you two doing?" Mrs. Carlin's eyes bore into hers. "You're mother is sick and worried about you!"

No she's not! She bit her tongue and simply mumbled 'sorry.'

"Get in here, you two are going to catch the worst cold."

"Good thing they know a good doctor." Spencer's Dad chimed in trying to lift the mood.

Paula didn't see the humor in the situation and simply glared at the comment before going on and on about the danger they put themselves in. Staring out the window, Ashely didn't hear much of it. Her mind was consumed with the body sitting next to her, focused on the hand holding hers, letting her know everything would be alright. Not caring who was watching or what her parents would think, she placed her head on the blonde's shoulder and closed her eyes.

Maybe everything would be okay.

_**C**_lick, click, click, click

Ashley stirred and slowly opened her eyes. Everything came into focus a second later, Spencer's room, she was in Spencer's room lying on her bed. The blonde even filled her vision, sitting at the computer desk, too enthralled by something on the laptop to notice her eyes on her. Confusion settled in, what the hell was she doing in Spencer's room? How...when did she get there? And why was she sooo tired? Spiky black hair, muscular body, bathroom stall... Ecstasy. Everything vaguely came to mind, from the man she sold her body to to the drugs he gave her...she wasn't sure what the hell she took. It didn't seem like E. Coming off the drug was brutal, she didn't remember half the night, or even the day! How long had she been asleep?

Ashley tried to sit up and cried out at the immense pain in her side, startling the blonde. She felt her presence a second later and didn't dare look her in the eye, afraid of what she might find there. "Easy now," The words were softly murmured as a pair of warm hands eased her back down.

No words came to mind, she was speechless with a million questions running through her head. Fear kept her lips sealed, too afraid of the answers to her questions, it was better to not say anything at all. Brown eyes stayed glued to the blanket covering her body as she wracked her brain for answers. "Did you sleep well?"

She shook her head 'yes' to the softly spoken question, avoiding a conversation about her dreams. It was difficult to decipher what was real and what wasn't. Did she do her make up this morning? Or was that a dream? Spencer answering the front door, making out on the living room floor, 'stop' did Spencer tell her to stop? "Did you?"

The hesitation to answer was enough for Ashley. "I should go." Spencer's hand covering hers stilled her attempt to leave. She sat there staring at their hands, wondering if this would be the last time she'd be comforted by her soft touch. "I had a talk with my Mother." She looked up into blue eyes. "She's alright with you staying here awhile."

Her tone was gentle but the apprehension was written all over her face. Ashley wouldn't have been surprised if she held her breath waiting for a response, but she was just as unsure as the blonde not knowing how to feel. "Why would I do that?"

The question was drowned in confusion. The brunette had no idea what she said or did to convince the blonde she needed to live with her. Her body's answer was no, it didn't want to be under real supervision, it was just another road block from her next fix. She needed the high, would surely die without it- "To get away from her." Unconsciously, her hand moved to her bruised side. The foggy memory came to mind, did Spencer know the story? "She'll never hurt you again."

There was a hint of anger in those blue eyes, one she promised filled her brown when ever Christine danced around her thoughts. She believed Spencer's every word. The blonde would keep her safe and never let her mother lay another hand on her. "W-What did you tell Paula?"

"I asked if you could stay here and begged her not to ask any questions. She didn't and was alright with you staying here." As if reading her mind, she added, "I didn't say anything about Christine."

But she wanted to. Ashley knew the words were on the tip of her tongue, dying to be released. And for some sick reason, she felt a sense of relief wash over her knowing nothing would happen to Christine. That her Mother would be okay. I want you to always love your Mommy, Angel and take care of her. His last requests, she was going to honor them no matter who got hurt in the process.

Ignoring the pain, Ashley sat up and leaned forward wrapping her arms around Spencer, hugging her tightly. "I'm sorry." She murmured softly against her ear,

"Don't be," A soft kiss was placed on her neck. "We'll get through this." Ashley simply nodded against her shoulder, trying to believe in her lover's gentle words. It was hard. Don't be sorry... if only Spencer knew. She must not have told her about the guy at the club in her delusional state. Keeping it a secret wouldn't be hard. She never wanted the blonde to hurt like Christine had hurt her father. No, she couldn't do that to Spencer.

She loved her too much.

"Will you stay with me?"

Ashley closed her eyes and ignored her body's screams of protest.

"Yes."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

_**A**_shley walked into the kitchen feeling her stomach turn at the sight of food being served on the table. She had no appetite, despite spending a good part of the night crouched over a toilet seat. Sleep came and then left an hour later, leaving her awake and a trembling mess. Every muscle ached and her revolting stomach accompanied a never ending dizzy spell she swore would kill her. 'How are you feeling?' a soft touch to the face accompanied the caring voice. Ashley looked into blue eyes masking pain and exhaustion. 'I slept okay.' 'Everything is okay.'

Nothing was right at all.

"Are you ready for the best breakfast of your life?" A dark haired man asked placing a plate loaded with eggs, bacon, and sausage in front of her.

Ashley nodded weakly sending Arthur a forced smile. An intense nausea settled in her stomach as she stared down at the plate, thankful there was no one else at the table as she grabbed the fork. Her hand shook as it aimlessly made circles, moving the eggs round and round...

She refused to eat only wanting something to drown her mind in. Needing the high, her body acted out demanding she take it out of this world to a warm place she could lie under a bright purple sky, gazing up at the clouds made of Duster, enjoying a drink from the river raging with alcohol. Patron so clear and light sliding down her throat as she enjoyed the breeze, watching trees blossoming with marijuana sway back and forth from the inhalant polluting the air-

Dreaming was hell.

When it had nothing to do with Michael or her Father it had everything to do with drugs.

New voices entered the room, Ashley kept her eyes casted down mesmerized by the fork shaking in her hand. 'Fuck it' her mind screamed angrily dropping the silverware, wanting to throw the plate across the room. Her leg bounced anxiously under the table as she closed her eyes trying to push back the rage.

Why the fuck was she there? She wanted to be home with no audience to witness her fucked up hand, face, and life.

"What are you doing here?"

The deep voice startled her back to the kitchen. Her eyes opened to the site of curly blonde hair and a careless gaze. The owner of familiar blue eyes took a seat beside her. Ashley looked down at his hands noticing the steady grip he had on the fork as he ate, bite after bite- he would lick the plate clean. It wasn't fair how he could get high and seem completely normal, put on the most convincing act for his parents. Decent grades, good attendance, healthy appetite, everything about him looked healthy. He was your average American boy from a good home nurtured by loving parents- 'I'm fucking your sister.' She almost answered but bit her tongue instead.

"Glen quit being so nosey." Paula answered taking a seat across from them. "She's welcomed to stay as long as she wants." She flashed the brunette a warm smile before returning her attention to Glen. "As long as you two keep your hormones in check everything will be fine. Understand?"

"Yep. Right Ash?" Glen answered for the both of them, looking at her.

Sitting sober, feeling sick, exhausted from lack of sleep and dysfunctional nerves - it pissed her off to hear him answer for her. They weren't a couple. She didn't want him. Why the fuck was he answering for her? Her name was the last thing she wanted to hear leave his mouth. 'Ash' she wanted to kill him, rip his fucking head off and shove it down his throat.

He stared waiting impatiently for her to confirm HIS answer to their question.

"I don't want to fuck you."

Standing from the table, she walked out of the kitchen blindly headed for the front door. Reaching out for the knob, she heard her name and gripped the golden handle harder. 'Ashley.' She hated the sound of her name. Fucking hated it! "Where are you going?" It didn't matter. She had to get out of there. In the same second a million questions blazed through her mind. Where are my keys? Where is my car? How the fuck did I get here? The hot air hitting her skin, the brightness of the sun filling her gaze, breathing wasn't so hard until her heart stopped.

"Where are you going?" Hands gripped her upper shoulders, she shook them off.

"Out." Looking away, she walked off faster and faster down the side walk burning holes into her skin. She kept her eyes down not bothering to look where she was headed. Not caring. Anywhere but there, she had to get out, away from them all. She needed to go home. Needed her mother, her fist across her face-

Ashley! The name was said a little louder now, an urgency coating the sweet voice she adored. Soft hands returned to her body pulling her, hard. Lying on her back on some stranger's yard, she stared up into a frantic gaze.

"That car could have hit you!"

Ashley simply stared not comprehending the anger in the blonde's voice. It boiled in her eyes matching her heavy breathing. The brunette lied there quietly waiting for her to strike, ready to take a slap across the face, she looked ready to kill. "Did you hear me?" She demanded. "That car could have killed you!"

"Good!" She screamed standing from the ground. What did she want? An apology? A thank you? Ashley had nothing to give her. "You should have let it." Attempting to walk back out into the street, she was stopped. "Let me go! Spencer, let me go!" The hands held her tighter, brown eyes closed she didn't want to be there. "I don't want you! Let me the fuck go!" Her eyes harshly opened to the sight of blue.

"Calm dow-"

"Fuck you." She hissed refusing to fight the hands any longer. There was no use. Spencer was so much stronger than she was. "That's all you're good for." She smiled, "You're hot basketball body is all I use you for. I don't fucking love you. You mean nothing to me!" Ashley kept going as Spencer stayed silent walking them back to the house with a firm grip around the brunette's wrist. Desperation seeped into her voice, "Let me go, Spenny. Please. I'll be good, I won't do anything I just I just really I really wanna go for a walk. Why can't I just take a fucking walk? Listen to me!"

Spencer spun around meeting her gaze calmly as they stood in front of the door. "I'm listening, Sweetheart." She gently responded lifting her hand to her lips, she softly kissed her knuckles. "I love you."

That's not what she wanted to hear. A frown painted her lips and she looked away watching her trembling hand in Spencer's grip. Angrily she jerked it away and folded her arms across her chest. She needed to fucking walk. Everything inside told her to run, just turn and go.

Spencer would just follow.

Her eyes snapped up to the sight of Spencer running a hand through her hair, calmly keeping her gaze. "Can I trust you to behave?"

"Yes Mommy." She spat reaching out for the door knob.

Walking inside, the brunette's eyes fell on the staircase. She went to it hearing Paula call Spencer's name. The blonde left her side promising she'd be right back.

Ashley didn't want her back. She wanted the blonde to disappear and leave her alone. She hated being told what to do. Would rather a car hit her than have to spend another second with the Carlin's. She wasn't a Carlin and refused to be treated like one. 'She's welcomed to stay as long as she wants.'

It wasn't going to be very long.

The steps began to spin as she slowly climbed up the staircase. Staring down, she focused on making it up one at a time, feeling her grip on the rail weaken, her temples throbbing, she walked a little faster to the bathroom, collapsing in front of the toilet. The next 10 minutes were spent dry heaving into the bowl. Tears burned the corner of her eyes as she cradled her stomach wishing to die already.

The tears slid down her face, falling as fast as she angrily wiped them away. "Fuck!" She hissed seeing the mascara smeared all over her hands. "Fuck." Collapsing over the toilet seat, she gave up letting the tears fuck up her makeup. She didn't care.

Sobbing into a toilet bowl with an occasional gag, she didn't give a fuck. Let all the Carlin's walk in and she'd give them a show they'd never forget. Keep them entertained for hours.

Shoving a finger deep down into her throat, her body violently shook as she forced it to vomit, heaving over and over again. She didn't want to live. Life was bullshit. Maybe she could get one good high out of fucking her stomach up so bad it'd up killing her-

"What are you doing?" The words were distant, most likely non existent. Ashley heard them and accused her mind of fucking with her. The reason for her tormenting thoughts, she wanted it to stop and finally rest without seeing shit. A night without her Dad or Michael or her mother. She wanted to die and see nothing. An image of Christine standing over her open casket came to mind and she wanted to laugh.

For once in her life she'd make her mother happy.

A tight pressure burned her wrist and with one final gag, the finger was removed from her throat. Brown eyes widened, her breaths became panicked trying to get more oxygen into her system, "What are you doing?" A hand gripped her shoulder and she faced a sea of raging blue.

Ashley shrank back dropping the blonde's gaze, wishing she'd leave, get up and leave her to die. The eyes burning into her skin, she didn't want to feel their harsh warmth, couldn't stand the arms circling her shoulders, pulling her into a loving embrace. She wanted to both run and cling onto her girlfriend. "I felt sick." She closed her eyes dropping her head onto the blonde's shoulder, too tired to fight her away. "I just wanted to feel better."

Her voice stayed emotionless filled with a hoarseness resulting from the crying and empty vomiting. "Not like that, Ash." She kept her arms pinned to her sides feeling too weak and undeserving to touch the girl holding her. The stranger with black hair came back taunting her with his voice, she watched him smile behind closed eyes, face doused in pleasure. "Never like that."

"I'm sorry." The arms left her sides wrapping tightly around the blonde, guilt ripping through her as his imaginary moans filled her ears. "God, I'm so sorry." There were no more tears to cry despite the urge to scream her frustration at the horrible night replaying in her head. Exhausted and filled with shame, she held onto Spencer absorbing the comfort the hand moving up and down her back provided. She didn't deserve it. If Spencer knew the truth, she'd be the one painting bruises on her body.

Christine wouldn't have to lift a finger.

"Lets stay in." A soft kiss was placed on her temple. "We'll lie in bed all day with King, maybe watch some movies-"

"We need to go, Spence." She couldn't stay there another day. "I'm fine."

Ashley coldly removed herself from Spencer's arms, standing from the floor. She avoided eye contact and focused on the horror story that was her face. Cupping a handful of warm water, she washed the stained skin vigorously, scrubbing away the makeup, revealing the fading bruise. Grabbing her bag, she started from scratch watching the brush intently.

"_It's all about attraction. Love doesn't exist. People will tell you they love you to fuck you and then leave you when they get bored. Look at me and your father. He was appealing at first and then I didn't want him anymore, if it weren't for you I would have left him a long time ago. I wasted so much time on him….. Worst mistake of my life."_

And I'm the second. She thought angrily wanting to destroy the image in the mirror. Beat her shaking hand into the glass until it stopped trembling. God, she needed a joint, a drink, a fucking line! Anything to stop the anger. She found herself wanting to smile and scream, torn between wanting to leave and needing Spencer to keep her sane, safe.

Home wasn't safe. Christine would be there with David and they'd be high making fun of her, shoving the fact they were loaded in her face. And then they'd talk about his daughter. How great she was laughing at Christine's jokes. The bitch never told jokes when they were alone. She called her names and beat the shit out of her.

Christine would say anything to fuck up her face.

Nose crinkling at the soft bristles tickling her skin, she came back from the dark depths of her mind, expertly working on covering the fading bruise. Feeling eyes watch her, she refused to see the sadness there. Her grip tightened around the brush. She was so good at putting it there. An expert at fucking up. Maybe Christine was right and every kick, slap, shove, fuck, even punch was really her fault. She deserved it all and so much more, so so much more. "How often do you hide bruises?" The soft voice broke the deafening silence.

"All the time." Her eyes never left the mirror focusing on each brush stroke making sure everything was perfect. She lost herself in her thoughts, going back in time. She could feel Christine's harsh grip on her face as she sat at her Mother's vanity table. Anger radiated off the older woman as she hid the damage. An angry dark purple across her cheek. 'Do you realize how much of an inconvenience you are to me?' The grip only tightened, she wanted to speak out, tell her how much it hurt but didn't bother. Christine wouldn't care. 'Where did I go wrong with you? I should have listened to my mother.' Yes you should have had the abortion.

Strong arms wrapped around her from behind, gently clasping her waist. Impulsively, the child who was beaten and fucked came out and she wanted to shove her to the floor and...and… Ashley felt the world fade as she lost herself in her own reflection. With ease, Christine always threw her to the floor kicking her over and over again. She wanted a turn. A hateful darkness filled her eyes as she looked up into beautiful blue. The abused child retreated with a taunting giggle taking the anger with it, leaving behind confusion and surprise. "I thought you were someone else." She weakly responded to the question in the blonde's eyes, feeling nothing.

Ashley forced herself to relax into the embrace feeling the blonde's front graze her back, she turned her head breaking away from the intensity of her gaze, paranoid they saw deep into her mind reading all her torturous thoughts. "No more, Ashley." Spencer murmured against her lips, one hand gently cupping the damaged side of her face while the other sweetly teased the battered skin on her stomach. "She'll never do this to you again."

Lost in a sea of blue, she couldn't look away. The blonde had her right where she wanted, vulnerable and unable to run. Spencer held her tighter and the brunette drowned in her, feeling the warmth of her body like a blanket comforting her shattered soul- "I deserved it."

The spell was broken and she regretted the words watching the shock soon turn to anger. "After everything she's done to you, you think you asked for it?" Her silence was answer enough, "No one asks to be hurt like this."

She looked away from the raging sea the emotions there overwhelming. "It doesn't matter.."

"No, Ashley it does matter," The hand on her face urged her to look back up, "Its always mattered," She softened her voice, "You matter." The brunette didn't want to hear it. Spencer would never understand and she could never explain it to her. They saw two different people, one real, the other made up.

A figment of the blonde's imagination.

"I've got to finish this." She looked away from love filled eyes, meeting ugly brown in the mirror. No amount of make up would fix her. With a shaking hand, she grabbed the brush wondering why she bothered. There was no point trying to look beautiful when she wasn't.

She was disgusting.

The filthiest thing in King High.

"Here." The brush was gently taken from her broken hand, bringing her back to a reality she wanted no part of. An emptiness she couldn't comprehend ate away at her, fillng her eyes with a dullness silently asking 'what's the point?' "Let me." She was urged to face the blonde. Her blank gaze stayed on the ground where it belonged, far away from blue. She felt them examining her, taking in every detail of her face. "My Mother could look at that for you."

Ashley refused to look up feeling the gentle touch on her face, Spencer treating her skin so delicately. "There'd be too many questions."

"You can ask her not to ask and she won't."

"She's not dumb." Ashley closed her eyes. "Always asking her not to ask, she's going to know something's up and put all the pieces together."

"And what will she come up with?" The blonde was borderline whispering, coaxing the withdrawing teenager with a trusting voice.

'And what will she come up with?' Wasn't it obvious? "I use." She simply answered with no shame or guilt, wasn't this what Spencer wanted? The truth, for once. Her eyes opened boldly staring into her girlfriend's, daring her to argue, ready for a fight. The kindness in the hands fixing her face faded and she searched for any reason to raise her voice and storm out of the bathroom, wanting to run. Give me a reason, she silently pleaded. Tell me to quit, I want an ultimatum to refuse, or just leave and I'll go the opposite direction and never look back.

Desperation must have replaced the anger on her face because Spencer put the brush down and pulled her into a strong hug. Unsteady hands rose as she returned the embrace, fiercely holding onto the blonde as she lost control once again and sobbed into her T-shirt. Running, her mind had been obsessed with it, madly waiting for the perfect escape. The child who was beaten and fucked slowly came out and she felt angry. The unwanted memories would haunt her all day, she couldn't keep reliving them. The tears stormed down her face, she couldn't be sober! It hurt too much! School, she needed to go, it was so easy to get loaded at school. She knew the right people, wouldn't hesitate to skip a class- she stopped thinking telling herself it wasn't going to happen.

She wasn't going anywhere.

"God," Ashley groaned pulling back to wipe her face. "You must hate me."

Spencer looked down noticing the makeup on her hands. "Never."

"You should." The brunette fell back into her, nuzzling against the wetness on her shirt as she held her tighter. "I've been so mean to you."

"That wasn't you, Sweetheart." She kissed the brunette's temple. Ashley weakly nodded fixated on the image in the mirror. Spencer's arms wrapped around her petite frame, her makeup a disaster, revealing a fresh bruise. It didn't feel real. How could someone so wonderful hold her so close? Ashley lifted her head feeling her heart race at the sight.

God, she loved Spencer so much.

She deserved to know everything.

"I have something-"

"Spence!" Her lips tightly closed, trembling. "You two are going to be late!"

"I'll be down in a second." She yelled back to her mother never breaking eye contact. "What were you saying?"

"Nevermind." The word was soaked in the nervousness running wildly through her. "We should go." Ashley attempted to release her girlfriend and then stopped when she felt her arms tighten around her.

"We don't have to go, Ash."

There was a silent plea in her eyes. As if reading her mind, she knew her thoughts, could hear them begging her to change her mind, to stay in bed with her all day in the safety of her arms. The brunette wanted to say yes almost smiling at the thought, but couldn't. "I shouldn't miss another day. I sort of wanna graduate." She forced a smile. "I'll be okay."

She softly kissed her girlfriend's lips hoping to erase the uncertainty on her face.

"I can do this."

_**T**_he car came to a stop. Ashley's hand reached for the door falling seconds later. The girl next to her sat still staring out into the quad lost in a sea of thoughts. The ride to school had been silent, tense. Ashley's leg bounced the whole way anxiously waiting for their arrival.

It felt good to leave the house.

Spencer didn't feel the same way. The silence made Ashely more nervous, paranoid. She stared at Spencer and the blonde gave no indication that she felt her. "I won't ruin your reputation." She failed to keep the bitterness out of her tone. The blonde's problem became all too clear. "I'll do lunch behind the school so no one will think anything's up." She didn't hesitate opening the car door missing the confusion painting the other girl's face.

Angry, the brunette walked around the car needing distance from the blonde. She didn't get very far. Her hand was taken and she was pulled into a strong body. A warm breath fell across her face, "You'll do lunch with me." Her lips were taken and caressed by a softer pair, teasing her until she was nothing more than a puddle at the blonde's feet. Spencer pulled away and with hooded eyes Ashely gazed into equally hungry ones. "Deal?"

The brunette looked away examining the crowded quad. There were a lot of questioning stares, her heart began to race. "They don't matter." The words were softly spoken. "Only you."

All cravings stopped at hearing those words at realizing where they were and what just happened. Meeting the eyes of their peers, the strange expressions, some full of disgust, others amused- Ashley felt sick. "What are we doing?" The words were spoken more to herself but Spencer heard. The fear was evident as she met the blonde's gaze. "This will fuck up everything for you."

"It doesn't matter."

"Fuck." She gasped the arms around her body burning her skin. The confusion on the blonde's face was lost on her as she frantically backed away running a hand through her curly hair, panicked.

"It's not a big deal-"

A bitter laugh interrupted the bullshit. No big deal. It was going to be a fucking disaster! All the rumors, her friends will tell her so much shit, the truth. She'd hear the worst about her, meet the men she'd slept with for money. It was amazing how she had no clue now. "This was a mistake."

"Me kissing you?" The blonde questioned with anger she was beginning to have less control over.

"This whole thing." She easily corrected showing anger of her own. She watched her blonde head shake almost in amazement, astonished by the honesty in her eyes. Tears soon sprung into the blue staring her down, Ashley looked away.

"I-I'm a mistake to you?"

"Yeah." The bell rang throughout the school and for once in her life she was happy to hear it.

"Look at me." The tears were sliding down her face now, Ashley simply stared showing no remorse. There was nothing to apologize for. "You mean it." It was the blonde's turn to look away, running a hand through her hair. "I have to go."

Ashley watched her leave with no desire to chase after her.

'Fuck it,' She thought walking away, the eyes burning holes into her skin. She boldly met every curious stare. "What?" She demanded from a distance. They quickly looked away moving a bit faster to their next class. Ashley wanted to follow and beat their heads into the lockers. The anger consumed all rational thought, she caught a glimpse of the principal and decided to go to class, wondering how long she'd make it through the school day without killing someone.

"_**W**_here are you going? Come back here!" Walking out of the classroom oblivious to the teacher's voice, Ashley stormed down the hallway seeing nothing but the blurriness of tears in her eyes. Sitting at the desk, staring down at that fucking paper attempting to read a story about a farmer and his tomatoes, every thought in her head consumed with finding her next fix, she couldn't be there. The walls were closing in on her whispering to get out and find what she needed more than oxygen itself. There was no use fighting it, she had been fighting all morning, and it was becoming a losing battle.

The bathroom door flung open as she crossed the threshold stopping at the mirror. Her eyes examined every inch of her face, disgusted at what they saw. The brunette lost it taking out the morning's frustration on her reflection, the glass cutting into her skin as she hit the mirror over and over again until there was nothing left. A sick bitter joy building as she watched the shattered glass pool at her feet. She wanted more. The sober teenager moved to the next one hurting the image she hated most, making it disappear. No amount of makeup could fix her.

She was broken for good.

"Ashley! Ashley! Ashley!" Shut the fuck up! The name ran circles in her head taunting the teenager. God, she needed something, anything to make the raw emotions go away. She was going crazy, the dark child who lost her father and then virginity came out to play, taking all control. Anger, she was so fucking angry! There was a dark rage boiling inside, she felt it throughout her body begging to be released. "Ashley!" That person didn't exist. She lied dead on the bathroom floor shattered in a million pieces. "Ashley!"

"What?" She violently snapped turning toward the voice.

Alexis stood speechless seeing the fire in the brunette's eyes. She had never seen Ashley so angry. "You're hurt."

Breathing heavy, she followed Alexis' gaze to her bleeding hand. Blood ran down her fingertips soaking her hand, strangely she didn't feel any pain. Leaning back against the wall, she looked to the ceiling trying to control the whirlwind of emotions raging inside her. Each breath leaving her lungs worthless, the heart beating steadily inside her chest wasting its time- she looked at Alexis. "Come make it all better." The blonde attempted to move, she stopped her, "Lock the door, Lexie." She did.

Turning back around, she closed the distance between them silently taking the brunette's wrist. Ashley kept her free arm pinned to her side listening to the running water as she watched her, seeing the concern- Anger flared up once again. Why the fuck did she care so much? She wasn't her girlfriend! Things were supposed to be different with Alexis. Fun, hot, and then over. Nothing deep.

Cupping her soft face, the concern evident in her eyes, she traced her lips with her thumb wanting to wash the annoying expression away, replacing it with something more familiar. "What's gotten into you?"

None of your fucking business, she stopped herself from answering wanting to hurt the face in her hands more than caress it. No, her mind whispered knowing she needed to be kind, caring, and fake to get what she wanted. The dark child smiled happily knowing she'd soon get her way.

Staying the rest of the day at school wasn't an option, and she wished she had driven that morning instead of Spencer. She internally snorted at the thought. The blonde didn't even want her out of bed much less behind the wheel. It was a miracle she convinced her she'd be okay in the real world.

Brown eyes never strayed from Alexis' as she ran her thumb across her lips a second time. She couldn't do this with Spencer on her mind. There had to be some distraction. "I miss you." She lied grasping her waist, pulling the blonde to her until their bodies touched.

Their eyes stayed connected as she Ashley slowly leaned forward, breathing softly into the blonde's ear. "I'll prove it." She ran her tongue along the shell of her ear and felt the girl shudder in her arms, the hands resting comfortably on her jeans closing into tight fists.

Her mouth moved to her neck, sucking down the tender skin as her hands moved to fondle her breasts, listening to her breathing change, it only encouraged her to suck harder bruising the sensitive flesh. Alexis ran her hands through her hair raking insistent fingers through soft curls, pulling whenever she felt really good. "Take me home, Lexie."

The blonde laughed, "We're in the middle of exams."

"Fuck them." Moving to the blonde's lips, she took them prisoner and held them captive until they were both breathless. "I'm worth the F."

She laughed again, the resolve slowly leaving her eyes, replaced with adoration. How could she say no to that face? A wanting she rarely saw in Ashely's eyes, and it was all for her.

The blonde couldn't say yes fast enough.

"Lets go."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

_**W**_ith a racing heart, she felt the rubber of the tourniquet wrap around her skin. Her breaths leaving her lungs in shallow pants filling the large bedroom, it was all she could hear amplified in her head. His voice wasn't there. He was talking but she chose not to hear him, the combination of everything in her system allowing her to turn things off and on with one simple thought. Her leg bounced anxiously against the bed as she sat at the edge with him on a nearby chair. He ran his fingers through her bangs in an attempt to get her attention. 'Ashley' her name was spoken far far away the fingers moving to the side of her face. 'God, you're beautiful.' The words were murmured, she closed her eyes and wished them away.

"This might hurt a bit."

She looked up coming face to face with a syringe.

"Are you ready?"

Her eyes moved to the face matching the voice. It was blurry one second and then crystal clear the next. She looked all around the rave themed room, the black walls, black lights, strobe lights, the music- where the fuck was she? _Mister machoman is it true, that all the girls wanna come on you. You keep on telling me you're the best, I wanna put your lovin' to the test. Get your tiger baby out of it's cage, I wanna measure it, starting at the base. _His voice merged with the music, with unfocused eyes she watched him sing, his gaze coated with ecstasy and hunger as he stared into her face. He was rolling so hard one hand rubbing his crotch while the other loosely held the syringe.

She was too numb to panic, the question repeated itself in her head 'where the fuck am I?' mellow and more curious than scared. A wave came out of nowhere drowning her with an intense sensation of euphoria. She saw white angels floating all around smiling and caressing her face, 'You're so beautiful' one whispered placing a chaste kiss on her lips.

"Are you ready?" The voice came out of nowhere, hoarse and breathless, arousal dripping from each syllable.

_Make me hunger, make my honey flow free, a taste of sugar for a horny busy bee. What you get is what you want is what you see, let your fingers draw a line across me. Kiss my booty but don't treat it too kind, whip me baby, let your tongue go wild. _

The music brought her back to the stranger ready to shoot her up, devouring her with his eyes-

How did she get there?

"_Will you stay with me?" _

"_Yes." _

Why wasn't she with Spencer? Where was Spencer? She hadn't seen her in so long…

Another sensation ran through her.

She smiled and drifted away.

_**S**_he's done this before, along time ago. Again and Again, Spencer loved this ride. They went round and round holding hands, watching the world spin. Raife stood on the sidelines with his camera taking pictures, waving. The 'tilt a whirl' their favorite ride at the fairgrounds. They could spend the whole day pinned down to the seats screaming their excitement. "Look at us, Daddy…" She murmured to the ceiling, watching the world spin.

The sun made its way passed the dark curtains, a dull light accompanying the smell of sex in the air. She could vaguely see, but it was enough to make out who was lying beside her. Two naked bodies, one male, the other female. Alexis and her boyfriend Brad. Ashley stared at Alexis and then down at herself. She was also naked, her scars exposed.

The sight did nothing. There were no feelings, she was numb beyond belief. A part of her questioned the breaths leaving her body. Were they real? How was she still breathing? Time stopped existing along time ago. She didn't know how long she'd been with Alexis, had no idea if it was a school day, if school was even open anymore. Was it Christmas break? She didn't know. The last time she showered was a mystery. The last time she wore clothes, the last time she put on makeup, the last time she saw Spencer.

She didn't know.

A giggle escaped her, turning into a full blown laugh. She felt good for no reason. A hand crept up her torso, she wasn't sure who it belonged to, she lied tangled in a mess of naked limbs, and she didn't care. "I love your laugh." A hot breath coated her ear, she closed her eyes feeling the hot air move across her face, stopping at her lips.

The kissing didn't register in her mind, the hand fondling her breast nonexistent, and then a deep familiar voice came out of nowhere. 'God, you guys are hot.' Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she floated away.

High above the clouds, she swore to never look down. The hands roaming her body came and went, they never left, but she only sometimes felt them. Frowning, she realized she must not be high enough. God, she wanted to soar so fucking high she'd need a parachute to come back down. Like a space ship, blasting off into the galaxy, she wanted to fuck Aliens. "I need to get fucked." Her hands tightly gripped the sheets under her body as she unconsciously moved against the body on top of her.

"You are getting fucked." The voice replied, panting against the side of her face.

Opening her eyes, a moan escaped her as she tried to focus on the face hovering above hers. His eyes were closed, lips parted, moaning, his aroused breath falling into her mouth, his blonde hair- she turned her head watching Alexis and Brad until she could no longer see.

_**A **_cigarette hung loosely between her lips as she drowned in the music, her eyes staring into nothing. She couldn't remember the last time she saw anything. The last couple of weeks were spent blind, she couldn't recall much of anything. There were bits and pieces here and there, Alexis never left her side, Brad was always around, her parents were out of the country, they had the whole house to themselves. She'd done drugs in their kitchen, fucked in their master bedroom, fucked in their pool- there were so many marks on her body. She had no idea who put what where, and as long as she had cocaine, pills, pot, even heroin, she was okay with it.

"Here," Alexis approached her holding two drinks in her hands. Ashley took one downing the shot like water. "Do you need another?" The brunette shook her head putting the cigarette out. Her friend's body settled onto her lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. Ashley looked up with hooded eyes not being able to make out her face in the darkness of the club. It was so much better that way.

Alexis kissed her like she had done so many times in the last few days. Undressed her, teased her skin, touched her in all the right places, Ashley squirmed under her touch, moaned into her ear until she felt herself nearing the edge, finishing with Spencer's name leaving her lips. In her mind, it was her girlfriend touching her. The drugs were good at doing that. She could turn anyone's hands into Spencer's and not feel any guilt when she came at someone else's touch.

She never felt very much at all.

"I hate when you say her name." The brunette laughed burying her head against her friend's body. Alexis did so much for her. Free drugs, orgasms, a place to pass out without any worries. Her mother couldn't hurt her, or Michael. He'd never lay another finger on her again. She was too high for him to reach her. High enough to see her father's face in heaven- Suddenly, she wasn't laughing anymore.

"Are you holding anything?" She slurred looking up into a dark face. "I need, I need, something strong. Please?"

The blonde shifted on her lap, digging in her purse. Taking the brunette's hand, she placed two small pills in her palm. "Brad's waiting for me. I promised him a dance. Are you going to be cool by yourself?"

The brunette nodded dropping the two pills in her mouth. Alexis kissed her a final time before moving off her lap. Ashley's head lolled to the side unable to stay straight up any longer. Her muscles felt like jello, even her brain turned to mush in her head. She couldn't tell if she were breathing or not.

It didn't matter.

"I thought that was you." She heard but didn't pay any attention to. The couch shifted and she felt someone touch her skin. Still, she paid no attention to it. All thoughts stayed on the warmness of her skin. She couldn't stop touching herself, the feeling was intoxicating. "What's wrong with you?" The voice sounded angry, Ashley opened her eyes as much as she could only seeing darkness, she laughed against the cushions. "You look like hell." The couch shifted again, her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

Aiden kneeled in front of her gently shaking her body. There was no response, just a small smile on the brunette's face. "Ashley quit fucking around." He tried a little harder. "Wake up!" He shook his head in disgust. Everything about the girl on the couch was disgusting. The reason behind Spencer's misery sitting right in front of him, smiling. "You're so selfish!" He yelled at her passed out form, "You weren't even at her last game!" He screamed louder wanting her to hear every word. "She shoved Parker flat on his face in the middle of the game." He shook her a little more wanting her awake, she needed to hear this story. "He called you a whore and she fought for you!" He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "She quit the team…" He wiped a tear away staring pathetically at the girl his best friend was in love with. "What have you given up for her?"

Releasing her limp body, he stood up fed up with the unresponsive brunette. She didn't give a fuck about Spencer. How does someone disappear from the person they love? She didn't even have the decency to call her. She just left, leaving her girlfriend heartbroken and alone. "Fuck you." He spat for Spencer, knowing the blonde would never say it herself.

Ashley had to hear it from someone.

"Hey, what's up?" A voice asked beside him. He turned to find Glen sipping on a drink.

"I'm getting an ambulance over here."

"Why would you do that?" He asked incredulously. "She's fine."

Was he crazy? Aiden thought taking in his careless demeanor. Ashley couldn't even hold her head up. She wasn't fine. "Dude, she looks dead."

Glen waved it off handing Aiden his drink. He watched the curly haired boy take a seat on the couch, leaning over Ashley's prone body. He shook her while speaking into her ear. Sighing, he stood up taking his drink back from Aiden. "She's just had a little too much to drink. I was heading out anyway, I'll take her home."

He rolled his eyes. "It looks like she needs a hospital."

"She's fine, Dude." He smiled his reassurance. "Trust me, we go through this all the time."

He smiled bitterly. "I believe you."


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Dashboard, cup holder, radio, hand- Puzzled, she stared watching it drift up and down her exposed thigh, teasing her warm skin. Fear struck and then disappeared, along with her consciousness. One minute she was alert and awake, and the next, her head was pressed against the window, eyes closed or rolled into the back of her head as she drifted through waves of euphoria.

"We're here, wake up." A hand gripped her shoulder a little too hard, she moaned shaking her head. "Come on, I'm not going to stay in this driveway all night. I wanna go to bed." The deep voice insisted shaking her body a little harder. "Ashley,"

Her head snapped up, the harsh voice assaulting her buried senses. He sounded so familiar, the smell of alcohol on his breath- Frightened eyes met angry blue, she had to get away. "Calm down!" Ashley fought the hands off her body, twisting, kicking, scratching, screaming- she wasn't going to let him hurt her, not again. "Ash, stop!" 'NO' She screamed from the top of her lungs over and over again trying to break away from the hands on her body.

The air left her lungs as she fell hard against the dashboard, blood filling her mouth. The left side of her face stung, she touched the burning skin watching the blood fall from her mouth. Did it belong to her? Why was she bleeding? "Shit, you're bleeding." Her unfocused eyes followed the voice, and she was scared all over again.

"Get the fuck away from me!" She demanded watching him attempt to lean over. He jerked back turning, hesitating before turning his head to look out the window. The brunette didn't understand. What the fuck was going on? Looking up, she saw the familiar brick house... and smiled.

Spencer.

Laughter filled the silence of the car, blood flowed freely down her body, staining the leather of the Porsche. Her hand searched around for the door handle. She had to see Spencer. God, how she missed her best friend. There was so much to tell her. "Do you think she'll wanna go to the fair with me? Of course! Why wouldn't she? She loves me. We can ride all the rides 100 times and you can take pictures, Daddy, like you always do."

The door opened and she fell face first onto the concrete, laughing harder in a pool of her own blood. It hurt to blink, she kept her eyes closed, "Fuck," She giggled, everything hurt. Her hands felt around her body, searching. A frown painted her face at feeling nothing.

She had nothing.

Wincing, her body was pulled onto its knees by strong hands. "Fuck! A black eye and busted lip. Nice." She tried to make out the face in front of her but couldn't stop it from spinning so fast. Somehow, she realized she was standing and walking. Everything seemed to move faster in disoriented circles, she pushed away from the body keeping her up and collapsed, kneeling over to vomit.

"I should have left you with Lexi." Ashley missed the murmured words, dry heaving into the grass with no one to hold her hair up or rub her back. There were no promises that everything would be okay.

"I need something." Looking up, she shook her head trying to focus her shifty gaze on the dark silhouette. "Everything hurts." She pleaded weakly, needing another hit to settle the nausea boiling in her stomach.

"Lets get inside first." His hands were back on her body lifting her onto her feet. With a watery gaze, she turned her head, trying to figure things out. Nothing made any sense, she looked down at the blood on her hands.

"Am I dying?" Ashley fought to keep her eyes opened, she felt dizzy and weak, tired.

"Be quiet." The door opened, "Stay here, I'll be right back." She leaned heavily against the couch to keep from falling. Swaying back and forth, her eyes rolled into the back of her head, only to open wide seconds later.

They fell on the staircase.

"Try some of this." A small vile was handed to her in the dark living room. There was no hesitation or fear as she brought it up to her nose, inhaling as much as she could into her bloodstream before handing it back. His voice was amplified, it hurt her ears. She covered them with her hands not wanting to hear him anymore.

A pressure wrapped around her wrists forcing them away from her face. "Ashley, shit. Listen to me. We need to get the blood off your face. Don't move."

One minute she was staring into his dark face, and a second later he was gone. Ashley smiled, laughing a little. Her hands reached out searching for his body and only felt the air flow between her fingers.

Where was she?

Looking around the big dark room, she wrapped her arms around herself, all of a sudden very afraid. There were voices floating around, she could hear them and feel their eyes on her, but had no idea where they were hiding. They were out to get her. Hurt her, they wanted to hurt her so bad...

Ashley pushed away from the couch stumbling to the ground twice in an attempt to get away. She crawled to the staircase and one by one climbed up each step fueled by fear. They weren't going to catch her, she was going to hide, run and hide so no one could hurt her.. Staring down the dark hallway, with the help of the moonlight, realization struck. The second to last door on the right...

In slow motion, holding onto the wall, she walked feeling the ground underneath her feet move in waves. She fell several times but always got back up, her eyes glued to the door, second to last on the right, until she gripped the handle, leaning heavily against the solid wood.

It wouldn't open.

Tears flooded the brunette's face, mixing with the dry blood, she buried her face into the door, pulling back only to slam her head into the hard surface, over and over again- until she fell forward. Her breaths suddenly left her lungs in desperate pants. Light filled her sight, blinding her, her fingernails dug into someone's skin, "I'm so cold." She looked up, trembling. Her whole body shook, shivering- she was so cold. "Spenny..."

She blacked out.


	20. Chapter 20

**a/n: I really am sorry for disappearing I just haven't had the time to write. I'm going to be working on this and another story because I do enjoy writing and I want to finish this so enjoy and thank you so much for all the support and feedback. **

**The house wasn't just a house, but a mansion. A yard, littered with teenagers and vehicles, was painted in wealth. Shrubs and trees worth more than some of the vehicles planted in the healthy green grass. "Alexis lives here?" Shock laced the softly asked question as blue eyes stared almost wide eyed at the estate. **

"**Yep. Both her parents are lawyers and are always out of town. This is where all the good parties are found." _Along with all the good drugs, _The artist thought opening the car door in time with Spencer. "Stay close, the people here aren't always... friendly." **

**The blonde walked along side the taller girl ignoring the looks from all around. Many of her peers had drinks or cigarettes in their hands, she forced a smile at them all trying to hide her nervousness. Ashley was somewhere in this house, hiding away in one of the many rooms. Hiding from the world... Hiding from her. Every phone call went to voice mail and every question to Glen the same. 'She's at a friend's. Why do you care? She wants you to leave her alone.' It wasn't hard believing her twin. **

**_What am I doing here? _Ashley called her a mistake, and then disappeared. Vanished from her life without any word. Was she being obsessive? Trying to force Ashley to love her? "Don't worry," She turned her head. "We'll find her." **

**Spencer smiled. **

**Erin. The tall artist found her alone under a tree the other day. They made small talk that eventually led to Ashley's whereabouts. Very quietly Spencer answered she had no idea where her girlfriend was. Erin had a good idea and offered to bring Spencer to her girlfriend. She was very hesitant at first. The whole idea of Erin helping her find Ashley seemed incredulous. 'Yes' she bit the word back. The tall artist should have been the girl she shared lunch with, the warm arms wrapped around her at night... She hurt the girl once and didn't want to do it again. **

"**You're not asking for anything." Erin had interrupted, shrugging a little. "I offered and rescuing her would make me feel good, not bad." Spencer stayed quiet arguing in her head. She really wanted to 'rescue' Ashley, but not at Erin's discomfort. Her head answered shaking from side to side before her mouth had a chance to open, "Spencer." Her hand was taken into larger ones as she fell into an honest stare, "I know how much she means to you and how much this hurts you. I just want to help bring that smile back." **

**And here they were, standing in the most elaborate living room she had ever seen. The room alone had to have been worth 2 million dollars. Original paintings hung all over, hiding behind a thin fog of smoke. There were at least 10 people lounging in the lavish room, passing around a pipe. She felt a bit light headed as they walked deeper into the house. The effects of the smoke weren't important, the naked man and woman casually passing them in the hall ignored, she just wanted to find Ashley. **

"**What are you doing here?" Erin stopped along with Spencer running into a very naked Alexis. The blonde had just walked out of one of the many closed rooms lining the hallway. **

"**Where's Ashley?" Spencer questioned just wanting to leave. The look on the other girl's face wasn't very welcoming. The eye roll confirming her obvious dislike for her. **

"**It doesn't matter if you find her or not." Her hand reached for the doorknob behind her. "She's not leaving." Alexis motioned for her to approach. Spencer did stopping at the open door way. "We just had sex." The brunette lied naked on top of the covers, passed out next to a glass pipe. There was a bottle of Grey Goose on the floor and cocaine sitting on the dresser. "That's all we do. For hours into the day and the night-" **

"**That's enough." Erin interrupted wanting to wipe the smug smile off Alexis' face. **

**Each step seemed longer than the last, time stopped as she reached the bed. Slowly kneeling down, she couldn't believe the many marks on her love's body. Had Alexis put them there? Or maybe somebody in the other room. The naked man and the naked woman, where they in here? Did they suck on her neck? Bite her shoulder? "This is what you left me for," She grabbed the pipe lying close to Ashley's face. "This and Alexis." It fell from her hand. "I love you, but that's not enough, is it?" She slowly stood up from her spot on the floor gazing down at the passed out teen, the one who had her heart and broke it like so many times before. "I'll never be enough for you." **

"Spencer."

She looked up to see her mother rushing to her. Not wasting a breath, her phone fell to the floor as she stood up falling apart in her Mother's arms. "Mommy," She whimpered into her neck, "Oh god, Mommy." The words weren't coherent between her sobs. A gentle hand rubbed up and down her back, words were spoken to her but all she heard was her own pain, echoing throughout the hospital, amplified in her mind, it hurt so much... and when she ran out of tears, she was pulled to arms length. The older blonde reached up, wiping some of the wetness away "I... I need to ask you something very important, Baby. I need you to be honest with me." Spencer nodded numbly, her dull eyes gazing into similar blue. "Is it true-" The words abruptly stopped, interrupted by a quick intake of breath. "Were you... Involved with Ashley?"

Time stopped along with her breath, caught somewhere in her throat... The apprehension was visible on her mother's face, the hope that maybe it wasn't true. Maybe, she heard wrong and her daughter was the same daughter she's always had. The one who excelled in sports and academics, who was madly in love with the smart and handsome Aiden Dennison. "I love her, Mom." Her voice cracked from the fresh tears beginning to spill all over again, "She's everything to me. I-"

Paula urged her daughter back into her arms, "Oh, Baby, my poor baby..." She trailed off, out of words. There was so much she had to tell Spencer, but not now. The girl in her arms had been through enough, it could all wait. "They revived her," She started carefully, trying to get the words out through her shock. "So far she's stable. I can't make any promises, there was a lot in her system... Sweetheart, but she's in good hands."

Spencer nodded not feeling much of anything. It was so hard to feel, everything just seemed numb, non-existent. Ashley was okay, for now. Breathing again, her heart still beating- She needed to see her, see the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she softly breathed. She wanted to hold her hand, feel her pulse against her fingertips. "You look so tired, why don't you go back to the house?"

"I can't leave her."

Not again.

"Okay." Paula released her running a hand through her hair. "Your father is waiting with Glen at the police station. What a mess." Spencer nodded feeling numb. A yawn escaped her lips, she didn't want to think about her brother. Everything was a mess. Glen was fucked up when the police and ambulance arrived. They noticed all the bruising and the bleeding and immediately took him in for questioning. Her father dropped her off at the hospital and then went to deal with her twin. "We'll sit here a little longer, than I think it'd be a good idea to go home and rest." She nodded again too tired to argue, too tired to think.

"**What are you doing here?" Her voice was raspy from sleep and her eyes stayed hooded as she lifted her head. The brunette looking up seemed coherent enough to realize who she was. Keeping a stoic expression on her face, she questioned again when no answer was given. "Why are you here?" There was a bit of anger this time, Spencer just wanted to go find a dark corner to cry in. **

"**I don't know." She answered honestly watching Ashley's petite form sit up. "I was worried about you," She started calmly. "One minute you love me and the next you just run away." The tears burned behind her eyes, she tried to keep them from falling, but failed. "You run away to sleep with as many different people as possible and to do lots of drugs. I love you and none of them do and yet I'm the one you hurt-" **

"**Just go, please-" **

"**Why?" The pain was beginning to be too much. The idea of her staying with Alexis, sleeping with Alexis, doing drugs with Alexis- She wanted to go, wanted to run as fast and as far as possible from the girl on the bed. The girl grabbing the near by pipe and lighter. "I need you, Oh god, how I need you." Impulsively, she moved onto the bed, grabbing the pipe from her lover's hand. "Why did you leave me? I've needed you so bad, I've needed you so fucking bad..." Wrapping her arms around the motionless girl, she buried her face in Ashley's stained neck. "Why did you leave?"**

"**You shouldn't be here. Go, have her take you home." There was no comfort in her words and her body stayed motionless. Spencer pulled away staring into a blank face. There was nothing. Ashley met her tear stained face with no expression, nothing. She didn't care. Here she was crying into the arms of someone who didn't give a fuck. "Not without you." She desperately responded wanting to see some resemblance of love, she couldn't accept anything less. **

"**I'm not leaving, Spencer." Alexis casually took a seat next to Ashley, reaching for the pipe. "I'm not going anywhere." Brown eyes broke away from her blue as Alexis' arms wrapped around her nude body. "I'm staying, Spence." **

**There was nothing left to say. She got up from the mattress and found Erin at the door. The green in her eyes weren't the same, they were angry. "Hey," She softly touched her arm. "It's okay." It was a lie, nothing felt okay. She felt nothing at all except the warmth of the tall artist as she took her tense form into her arms. Running a hand up and down her lengthy torso, her head fell against her shoulder. **

"**You have no idea," Erin's voice was shaky, violent in her ear. "How bad I want to hit her right now." **

**She closed her eyes in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. She did have an idea, her heart wanted vengeance for all the pain the brunette had caused it. What more could she say to the careless girl sitting behind her, kissing Alexis behind her, smoking a pipe behind her? What else could she possibly say or do? Ashley didn't care, and it seemed, she never did. Her friend had a drug problem, a problem she obviously enjoyed, if that's what she wanted... what she needed to be happy, who was she to try and stop her? She was nothing to Ashley. **

**Fucking nothing. **

**Taking a last look back, regret came instantly seeing Ashley take Alexis right there in front of her and Erin. "Let's go." She took Erin's hand holding on with knuckles white as snow. She felt helpless, vulnerable, and couldn't bear the thought of letting go for fear of falling completely apart. The steel grip was kept until they reached the car. **

**Erin took her into another hug, she felt like a child needing comfort, so much fucking comfort just to function properly. "What's wrong with me?" She mumbled against the artist feeling the tears return. They soaked the other girl's shirt as she cried, hard. It felt as though she had been crying for days by the time they finally subsided leaving her an exhausted mess. "I'm sorry." The words were barely spoken, they were a sad excuse for speech. With Erin's gentle guidance, she settled into the passenger seat. "I don't want to go home." She couldn't let her mother or father see her like this. They would want to talk about it and she didn't want to talk about it. She would never want to talk about it and she would never want to say the brunette's name again. "Lets go to the studio." **

The car ride was quiet, she stared at the outside scenery forgetting to blink until her eyes burned, begging for the was no desire to speak or to be spoken to. **There was still comfort found in having her hand held. She had never felt so lost, so confused. She needed someone, she needed someone there or she'd come unglued, but she also wanted to be alone. She wanted to suffer in silence, in darkness, but she couldn't. She was afraid, terrified of being alone. **

They pulled up to the house. It took her a moment to lift her head off the glass, so lost in her thoughts, she hadn't even realize they had stopped until her mother released her hand, moving it to her shoulder. **"Sorry to wake you," The artist's voice was soft. "We're here." **Silently, she grabbed the door handle and stepped out of the car. The walk to the front door was a blur along with the trip up the stairs. Her mother said something on her way up, but she didn't hear a word. All she wanted was her bed.

**The cool sheets were soothing to her drained body and mind. "Hold me?" The artist didn't hesitate slipping onto the bed next to her. Trying to suppress the desperation overwhelming her, she gently urged Erin onto her back. Blue eyes hovered above green, their breaths mingled as they simply stared. "Thank you." Spencer finally whispered dipping her head lower. **

**The kiss was gentle at first slowly deepening, Spencer allowing her desperation to seep into every taste of the Artist's lips. Their bodies soon followed moving against one another, hands began roaming. The blonde had no desire to stop this time, Ashley wasn't going to ruin what should have happened the first time. She didn't want to stop kissing the dark haired beauty. The more their tongues danced, the more she wanted her, she wanted- "Spencer," Her name was spoken breathlessly, "This isn't a good idea, we shouldn't-" **

"**Shhh." Spencer hushed her rational thinking, taking her lips, she expressed how much she wanted this, wanted her, in a series of passionate kisses. She made sure Erin never had the opportunity to speak again, she didn't want to talk, she just wanted Erin. **

**She needed Erin. **


	21. Chapter 21

Every muscle filling her small frame grew taunt - It would be easy to strike. Beating the woman black and blue, like she had done so many times to her own daughter. How hard Ashley had to work to protect this evil witch, spending hours on her make up to keep her dark secrets hidden.

Keeping her hands pinned to her sides was becoming more and more difficult, especially with thoughts fueling anger - She could only stare waiting to see how long she'd be able to control herself.

There was no Ashley to stop her.

There was no one else around.

For several seconds neither of them spoke, just stared. The woman at the door didn't seem so tough now, even as the scowl turned her lips and the dislike masked her face, Spencer stood before her fearless and strong, not hiding her own dislike. The blue in her eyes became dangerous, like a predator carefully watching its prey. "May I help you with something?"

There was really no easy answer to the simple question. "How's Ashley doing?" What brought her to Christine's mansion was a mixture of complete despair and anger. Having spent the entire night crying, and screaming into her pillow, she didn't feel stable.

At the moment, she felt completely unpredictable.

The brunette gave her a strange look, a 'how should I know' expression that didn't sit well with her. "You don't know. You haven't seen her yet, have you?" She had the nerve to smirk smugly at the door, smirk at her growing anger. "My father's a social worker and my mother's an ER doctor. I know a lot about you and how you've treated Ashley." That wiped the smile off her face. "My parents have seen it too, and theyve had their doubts about Ashley's stories."

"What the hell are you doing here?" Anger shaped her demeanor, but nothing was going to scare her away. There was nothing scary about the coward in her face, and she loved filling her with fear. "Is it money youre looking for?"

"No," The blonde wanted to smile, she wanted to be smug to the woman. In the end, she knew the final laugh would be hers. "I want to understand." Her voice softened as the emotion became clear. The reality of what she was doing began to corrupt her hard exterior. "Why you treat her the way you do."

Christine wasn't going to make it easy for her. All she wanted was answers to the many questions that plagued her thoughts. What brought Ashley to the brink of death? Nothing else in the universe mattered, she had to know.

Vengeance was such a powerful emotion, she lost all rational thought to it, deciding the risks were worth what the outcome could be.

"Why should I tell you anything? I don't owe you a damn thing. And if your parents are such a threat, how come I'm still here? Why am I not in a jail cell, Sunshine?" Slowly, her confidence was returning, and it was feeling more and more like a game of chess.

"Ashley never wanted you in jail." The words were drenched in disgust for the plastic heartless woman. "For some reason, I'm not even sure, she protected you, begging me to promise I would never say anything to anyone about the beatings. And I love her so much, I swear on both Ashley's and Raife's grave I would never tell a soul. I just have to know, why. Why Christine do you despise Ashley so much?"

The seconds seemed like hours, and she could see the internal struggle, playing in her mind, seep into her facial features. From the stern eyes that bore deep into her sincere ones, to the untrusting scowl shaping her lips. She didn't want to say okay, but didn't have much of a choice. "Come inside."

The door closed behind her, and she never thought, In a million years, she'd find herself alone with Ashley's biggest tormentor. Never thought, she'd take a seat on the couch and calmly watch her move around in the kitchen."Would you like a drink Spencer?"

"No thank you." In her mind, this moment was violent. A dark fantasy she harbored on and off throughout her life. The urge to get up and shove her to the floor, kicking and stomping until the luxurious home became a crime scene, was overwhelming.

But she stayed still, and polite.

Blue eyes met brown watching the glass move up to her lips, she took painfully slow sips as she stared at her from across the room. "I never wanted children." She started casually. "I never wanted Raife either. Having sex with him at the young age I did was the biggest mistake of my life. I had two options. Marry him or have an abortion." She took another sip speaking with little emotion. "I lost my nerve and couldn't go through with the abortion. Another big mistake." She snickered and Spencer clenched her jaw finding harder and harder to sit there.

"We got married because it was the right thing to do. I naively thought maybe everything would turn out okay, maybe I would grow to love them both. It never happened. The longer I stayed with them, the more I grew to hate them. I hated everything about him, and she looked and acted just like him. She was the worst child. We sent her away to a catholic boarding school when she was young, and she was kicked out for picking fights. Not only with the other kids, but with the nuns. I knew she would be a handful and I wouldnt tolerate her foolishness. Yes, I beat her but she deserved it each and everytime."

"And does she deserve this too?" Picking up the picture on the end table, she spitfully showed it to the grinning brunette. "Does she deserve to see his face each and every day?"

"He did nothing wrong." Spencer couldn't stand to sit still any longer. A tiger crept underneath her skin and she wanted to tear the bitch apart limb from limb. "She asked for it."

"She was a little girl, Christine! What the hell are you saying?" Her tone had become violent and it was hard to keep the distance between them. Her grin grew into a full blown smile until she finally started chuckling. "She didn't ask him to fuck her, she was twelve years old, you can't really believe she would-"

"Did you know Ashley kept a diary?" The abrupt change in subject took her her off guard. Wearily she shook her head no, staring questionably into her delighted face. "You don't know my daughter. At tweleve years old she was drinking my alcohol, all of my alcohol and stealing my prescription medication. And your innocent little Ashley would get fucked up almost every night and write in this dairy." She chuckled some more shaking her head from side to side. "My little poet wrote about sex, often. She wanted it, Spencer. She really did. And these little fantasies all had one thing in common." She took another sip and her gaze became playful. "You. She wrote about fucking you, Spencer. At twelve years old, and yes I beat Ashley, and I beat her often. And I found the diary and I beat her, knew she was stealing my medication, and I beat her- She never learns and she does it on purpose. I know she does. She despises me as much as I do her. At twelve she wanted sex, at twelve she drank every night, at twelve she took my drugs and I do believe at twelve she fucked Michael. She fucked Michael because she knew I loved him, and she knew how to ruin that for me. And yes, when I found out, I beat her. I wanted to kill her because once again she managed to ruin my life and I wanted her dead for it, all the pain and agony I went through because of her. She's nothing but a whore, a prositute drug addict and she admits it. She has no shame, and you have no idea what I put up with. No, I haven't seen Ashley and I don't plan on seeing her anytime soon. She ruined my kitchen! And you better keep her away because im done playing her little games! Next time I see her, ill use the same knife she used on my counter tops on her fucking throat!"

_Checkmate_.

"You're sick, Christine. How you can justify this grown man forcing himself on your daughter, your little girl- You're sick for it. She didn't ask for it, I've seen true pain and agony in her. He broke her, he ruined her, and you did nothing, not a damn thing but accuse her, brainwashing her to believe it was all her fault. It wasn't. She did nothing wrong, it was your mentally ill boyfriend who-"

"Michael was seduced!" Her voice boomed with rage and she was beginning to see Christine's true colors. The woman who didn't hesitate raising a hand to Ashley, fucking her face and body up. "My whore daughter spread her legs to him begging for it-"

"And he gave in right? He fucked your twelve year old daughter, right?"

"Yes, but he felt pressured-"

Now it was Spencer's turn to laugh. "Are you telling me Ashley raped Michael? Are you out of your mind?" She smiled and held her hands up , keeping Christine from saying anything else. She was done with her nonsense. "Thank you for your time. Michael is a piece of shit, and so are you. You don't deserve any of this, Raife wouldnt allow it, and I won't allow it." Pulling a slim black cell phone from her pocket, she smiled smugly. "I hope you have a damn good lawyer, Christine. You're going to need one."

The brunettes face turned to sheer horror staring at the phone. She had recorded the whole conversation. "You lied to me." And the devil came out of her. "Give me that you bit-"

Spencer grabbed the approaching woman and slammed her against the wall. "Don't touch me! Don't ever fucking touch me!" She spat throwing her to the floor.

She walked out of the house, never looking back.

Hellos weren't needed as the blonde stepped inside, cupping her face, she lured her into a hungry kiss. Lately she had been a completely different person, wanting sex and not much else. Conversation was short, and unnecessary, Erin would sometimes get her head chewed off for saying the wrong thing. It was easier to never speak, Spencer didn't care to hear anything more than her name being moaned.

Falling backwards onto the bed, Spencer fell with her, covering the length of her torso with her hungry body, she kissed and nipped at her neck. Pensive eyes simply stared watching the blonde pull her shirt up mid way, trailing her lips to the waistband of her jeans. "Stop." Blue eyes opened meeting her hard stare. "I-I know you're hurting-"

"I'm fine." She moved her eyes back down to the button of her jeans, but never got a chance to touch it. Her hands were stopped by slightly larger ones, they moved them away ignoring the blondes frustration.

"Spencer, you're not fine. All you want to do is fuck me, and that's it. I know you're going through a lot, I just want to be there for you." The sincerety pooled into her eyes, she also seemed sympathic, but Spencer was finding it hard to care.

"What do you want from me?" Her voice sounded strange, like it belonged to someone else. She couldn't remember the last time she sounded like herself, felt like herself. That person didn't seem real now. The over achiever stopped existing, replaced with a short tempered distant bitch. "There isn't much to talk about."

Erin sat up and crossed her legs, taking Spencer's hands into her own, they stayed interlinked between them on the bed. The blonde found little comfort in the gesture, she was becoming more and more irate just wanting Erin, not her sentimental bullshit. "You just lost your brother, Spence. That has to be something to talk about."

Spencer looked away.

_The funeral was over before it started. She had no desire to do anything more than stare down or at a wall. Avoiding everyone, everything, was a priority. Only family was there, and they knew to give her space, most of them just greeting her, and then leaving her alone. Her demeanor wasn't polite, it was cold and unwelcoming. _

_She didn't want to be there._

_Not much crossed her mind on the car ride home. Her parents were worried about her, reccommending she see a therapist, get a prescription to help deal with everything. _

_She didn't want medication, didn't want anything. _

_The car found the driveway, and then she found her bedroom. In the darkness, she slept. And in the day, she laid awake hidden from the rest of the universe. _

"He died from heroine withdrawal and you already know that." Once again, she was beginning to lose all patience, something the artist was growing used to dealing with. "Should I cover anything else with you? Are you really so desperate for gossip-"

"I'm not trying to gossip, Spencer!" Now she was raising her voice,something she'd always been able to control. "He was your twin brother!" Today her silence ended, she had to get into the blondes head, she couldn't stand not knowing anymore. "He wasnt the greatest guy in the world but I know you have to feel something..."

The words trailed off butchered by her abrupt laughter. It was light as she stood and then stopped as she walked away from the artist, finding a window. The day was beautiful, but she didn't see much more than the suns empty brightness.

As she stared her mind began to wander in the silence. She hated Erin for putting all of this in her head again, all she wanted was to escape everything. Her life was officially unbearable. Glen was dead. She couldn't get the night to stop playing, the moment she found out.

The start of a very brutal truth coming to light.

_"Spencer," Darkness faded as the world came alive. Lately, waking up was nothing to look forward to. The sight of her father and mother, the distraught on their faces, could only mean more bad news. Silently, she laid almost lifeless just staring. Her mother opened her mouth and could only cry, burying her face into her father's shoulder. _

_It was strange... She didn't understand how a person could feel so numb. She almost didn't feel human. There was absolutely nothing, not a damn thing. It was almost as if someone had cut her open and removed everything inside of her, leaving a hollow shell. The words were finally spoken. "Sweetheart," Arthur's voice was soaked with emotion she couldnt feel. " Glen, he... He's with God now. He' gone..." _

_Blue eyes closed, it was hard to watch them fall apart. And yet, she felt paralyzed. Her brother was dead. Through their pain, they managed to explain. It was from the heroin withdrawal, his body couldn't handle the loss of a chemical it had grown to love, need. _

_As if on auto pilot, she moved to them as they collapsed on the floor, entangling herself in the mess that was her family. Together the three of them held each other, and cried. All of them destroyed, their hearts ripped apart. _

_They'd never be the same again._

"Hey," A gentle touch to her back brought her back from that night. Feeling a heavy exhaustion, she fell into the artist' s arms, closing her eyes. She loved losing herself in Erins body, the distraction kept her from reality, it momentarily took her to a different one. Having sex with Erin made her feel a sense of normality her life was lacking. She felt like a typical carefree teenager again. "It's okay to miss him Spencer."

"I don't miss him." The words were quiet and tired. She held the artist closer nuzzling the fabric over her collarbone. "And he's not my brother. Just a monster." Her mind began wandering again, to a much darker place. "If he weren't dead already, Erin." Her tone was hushed now, "I'd kill him myself."

"You don't mean-"

"I do mean it." She cut her off meeting the incredulous look on her face. "Isn't this what you wanted to hear? What's been going on in my head? I've thought a lot about how I would kill him. Debating between-"

"Spencer, stop." There was a look of sheer horror on her face as she tried to reason with the girl in her arms, but Spencer didn't care for it. The honesty in her voice, the darkness in her eyes- Erin didn't doubt for one second that Spencer would really kill Glen and the thought sent shivers up and down her spine.

Removing herself from Erin's arms, she walked away becoming more and more angry. The artist's shock was understandable. "You don't know anything." But the truth was much more powerful. Eating away at her every second of every day, there was no escaping what she had discovered and it made her so angry, the only comfort she found in knowing was thinking of all the different ways she would have hurt her brother. He deserved the worst hell imaginable. There was so much she wanted to do to him, and she'd never get the chance. "After he died, I went into his room. We needed pictures for the funeral and naturally I thought... I thought maybe he'd have some on his computer my parents would want to use." The words stopped and for several seconds she silently stared at the ground. "I-I," The pain came instantly choking her up, it was becoming more and more difficult to speak, but it all came out strained and forced. Spencer fought the tears hard, losing to them. "I found videos." She wiped some of the tears away, beginning to feel the rage boil inside of her. "Of Ashley... So many videos of her, Erin..."

Erin urged her into her arms, holding her close. The hysteria became apparent as she spoke. "And...and my brother was, he was filming her fuck all these different people. And I found, I found," Again there was silence as she tried her best to stay composed. It was a losing battle, but the artist patiently rubbed her back, kissing her forehead soothingly, letting her know everything was okay and to take her time. "Records, appointment times, names- they were like receipts and some of them were for purchasing DVDs of Ashley, and.. and my god Erin. She's not older than 14 In some of them, and the drugs...Theyre everywhere, and she does them all the time. I spent hours watching video after video, I couldn't stop myself. I cried until my body killed me, until it was too sore to keep crying. I fucking hate him, Erin! I want to hurt him so bad... He showed no fucking mercy and.. and some of his comments- I want to kill him, I'm glad he's fucking dead!"

Delving deeper into her guilty conscious, she pushed away from Erin and kneeled to the ground bringing her hands up to her face, she screamed into them feeling the guilt destroy her. "Where was I? Where the fuck was I?" She hated herself more and more, and now more than ever, she could understand the need to want to run. She wanted to run far far away from herself. What was she doing when Glen was leaving with a video camera and bag of cocaine? She should have known, and if she really thought about it, the conclusion was the same.

She did know.

The signs were always there. Ashley and her brother at a party, going into rooms with different men, and her frozen watching them. Why couldn't she go in there and stop them? Keep the men from fucking her friend, keep Glen from filming it, keep Ashley safe in her arms.

She wanted Ashley, she wanted Ashley so fucking bad that it killed her. The days were meaningless and the night's lonely. No one could fill the void, no one, and the pain was so overwhelming. She missed her smile, missed the scent of her hair, her laughter-

Erin was back at her side, rubbing her back as she released the agony, all of the raw emotion killing the person she once was. She leaned into her despite the intense impulse to curl up into a ball and stay that way until... Until... She felt something close to decent, but as the days passed she had little hope that she'd ever feel that way again. Spending every second anticipating the day her mother would come to her. The news would be grave, an expression that would paint her face. Her lips would open and the words... They'd become knives, killing her with each letter spoken. A life without Ashley, it was hard to imagine despite her friend's careless drug use, she couldn't think about it for very long. Even in a fantasy, the loss was too much, and the more she thought about it, the more clear it became.

She couldn't live without Ashley.

She didn't want to live without her. How could she wake up every morning knowing she'd never be able to see her dearest love? It would be an empty existence, and shed live the rest of it as a ghost. "I miss her." She spoke inaudibly against the artist knowing she couldnt hear the mute words. "I love her. I love her so much..."

_Little of her attention was on the movie playing on the tv, the reason lied beside her on the bed. She'd steal glances at the brunette from time to time fighting back the strange urges of her developing body. Twelve years old was becoming a strange age for her, just being close to her best friend was becoming torturous. Their bodies didn't have to touch to want to touch, and she had no idea what all that meant. _

_Ashley turned abruptly catching her stare, she lied on her side openly staring right back, smiling at her embarrassment. "You get so red, Spence." She mocked amazement. "You've known me forever and I still make you blush?" _

_"I'm not blushing." Ashley chuckled at the lie moving until her lips tickled her ear, she whispered. "You can stare at me whenever you want. I kind of like it." _

_She watched Ashley sit up trying to calm her heart beat. The blush on her face was a shade darker, she looked away sitting up with her friend. The brunette seemed a lot better lately, more like herself. She always seemed happier when allowed to sleep over, especially since losing her father two months before. "I'm starving. How about you?" _

_"What do you plan on cooking us, Ash?" She teased knowing the brunette didn't do very well in a kitchen setting. _

_"Whatever I can throw In a microwave, Spence." Getting off the bed, Ashley moved to the body mirror on the door, tousling her crazy long curls. _

_Spencer never forgot how incredibly gorgeous her friend was, unlike her awkward stage, Ashley was flourishing beautifully into a teenager with little physical flaws. "Who are you trying to look good for?" _

_Mischief glimmered in the eyes she met in the mirror, "You." She spun around and grabbed her hand. "Now dance with me." Spencer rolled her eyes playfully and began moving with the brunette. They mostly jumped around her room to the music playing from the movie credits. _

_Out of breath, Ashley fell into the giant bean bag bringing Spencer down with her. The blonde couldn't stop giggling peering down into the brunette's flushed face. Her head was tilted back continuing to stare into the mirror. "You're beautiful, Ash." She reassured also staring into the mirror. Her body completely covered the brunette's and if it weren't for being flushed from dancing, she knew Ashley would be pointing out her obvious blush. _

_"No," Ashley moved her eyes from the mirror to meet her inquisitive blue. Was she really about to argue with her? She opened her mouth to protest but a finger silenced her. "We're beautiful." _

_"Right." Sarcasm soaked the small statment, Spencer didn't feel beautiful, she felt awkward in her own skin. Ashley had flawless olive kissed skin with not a blemish in sight. She wasn't so lucky. "I have the worst case of pizza face syndrome." _

_"Pizza face syndrome?" A small smile graced her friend's features as she cupped the side of her face, running her thumb up and down the slightly blemished skin. The blonde looked away nervously, embarrassed her friend was touching her disgusting face. "You're perfect." _

_Spencer looked at her caught in the honesty of her dark eyes. She was momentarily left speechless, and couldn't argue with Ashley. There wasn't much she wanted to say, every instinct in her body screamed close the distance, and kiss the lips so very close to her own. Ashley must have seen the struggle in her eyes, because she didn't make a sound. She could only stare waiting to see what would happen next. _

Spencer lost the nerve and ended up murmuring a thanks before getting off Ashley. She lied in the dark studio staring at a blank canvas torturing herself. What if she would have kissed Ashley that day? Would it have changed anything? Would it have stopped her from seeking comfort in her brother's pain killers?

Rolling onto her back, staring at the ceiling, she felt the body beside her stir, a dark head lifted up from the pillow they shared staring sleepily at her. "What's wrong? Did you have a nightmare?"

"No, im fine. Just thinking." There was no oppurtunity for nightmares. She slept briefly after breaking completely down, waking up from a dreamless nap, she spent the next hours venturing down memory lane making herself miserable with thousands of what ifs.

"I have to see her." Erin moved to her, resting her head on her shoulder as she held her. "I haven't seen her since she collapsed In my arms." Her voice was quiet and distant as her mind raced. "I kept her alive, she would have died if I hadn't performed CPR. I don't even really know..." The words trailed off for several seconds as the memory replayed in her head. "I don't know if she's still alive, if she's awake, or asleep. I'm terrified, I know there's this chance she might not ever wake up, and I have this strange way of thinking that maybe if I never found out the truth, she could always be alive. And then I feel guilty for leaving her alone, because I know she's always alone in that hospital room. How terrible it must be to lie in a coma and never be spoken to by anyone you love." How could she just abandon her like that? "I have to see her."

Abruptly, she moved from underneath the artist, standing by the bed she looked around in the dark for her shoes. "I'm going to buy flowers and balloons and leave them for her so when she wakes up she'll know at least one person thought about and missed her." The tears were beginning to fall, she kept her eyes closed trying to stop them. "She'll know there was at least one person who loved her."

"Spencer." There was a voice of reasoning at her side, taking her hand, keeping her still. "It's four in the morning. Rest and see Ashley tomorrow." The other hand moved the hair out of her face, playing softly in long strands of blonde. "Please?"

Leaning into the taller body, staring into the darkness, at the empty canvas, her exhaustion was ignored, nonexistent. All she felt was this overwheling need to see her love. Erin stroked her hair, comforting her, and she knew the artist didn't want her to leave. The apprehension was in the air, and it lingered in the silence. "I need her Erin." But there was no second guessing where she needed to be. Where she should have been since holding her heart in her arms, and keeping it alive, she should have never left Ashley's side. "I have to go."

Walking down the white halls of the hospital was nothing new to her. She had come to visit many times to see her mother, growing to know a lot of the doctors and staff throughout the years. They all greeted her the same way. "I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. My family and I have kept you, Dr. Carlin, and Mr. Carlin in our prayers." Dr. Moore, a colleague and close friend of her mother's, gave his condolences as they walked to the elevator.

"Thank you." The elevator door closed and she braced herself, staring at Dr. Moore. She requested to see Ashley at the front desk and he offered to bring her to the room. He didn't say anything about her, and she dreaded asking, fearing the worst. "How is she?"

He met her gaze calmly and spoke professionally as they walked onto the third floor. "We're still uncertain of the extent of the brain damage. We've run many tests and we don't know why she's unresponsive. Her eyes have been open for a week now, but she remains unresponsive. She'll spend hours staring at the wall and doesn't eat or move. We've tried to contact her mother but she refuses to come and we haven't been able to track down any other nearby family members."

"I'm her only family."

The doctor nodded having brief knowledge of the relationship between the carlins and the sick brunette. "She dated your brother if I'm not mistaking. I'm sorry you're going through-"

"She dated me." The words came out shaky as they approached the closed door. The chart reading Davies, Ashley. She wanted so badly to run her fingers across the bold text. "I love her very much."

The doctor nodded in understanding placing a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "Take as long as you need with her, Spencer. And let me or anyone here know if you need anything."

"Thank you, Dr. Moore." With a warm smile, she watched him walk away. Turning her attention back to the door, she hesitated taking the handle into her hand. On the otherside of the door lied her best friend and love, she walked into the room slowly closing the distance between them.

Ashley had her own room, but it lacked flowers, cards, and pictures. There was nothing but an off tv and different machines connected to the sleeping brunette. Spencer carefully took her hand into her own, craddling it like a precious gift. "I'm so sorry." With her other hand, she wisked her dark bangs out of her eyes. Ashley looked peaceful in her sleep, the bruises faded almost completely, leaving little damage on her beautiful face. "I'll never leave you again." She ran her fingertips carefully down the soft skin of her cheek. "I love you so much." The tears started along with the guilt, her hand fell from her face as she collapsed onto the side of the bed kissing the hand she held so delicately, careful not to disrupt the tubes in her arm. "I can't live without you, Ash." Closing her eyes, she kissed each fingertip tasting her tears. "Please don't leave me. Please, Ash. Don't ever leave me. Please..." Blue eyes opened, Ashley's head was turned away from hers as she stared at the closed window. "T-they told me you were unresponsive. T-that y-you stare at the wall and nothing else." Her voice was hushed, heavy wth sadness. She reached out with a shaky touch, trailing her fingertips down her face once again. "Im going to take care of you Ash." Brown eyes closed, a single tear spilling out, caught by Spencer's caress. "My love, ill spend the rest of my life with you. You'll never be alone again."

"Hold me?"

The words were barely spoken but Spencer heard them as if the brunette had screamed them. Desperately, she moved to the fragile teenager sobbing into her neck as she held onto her for dear life. Her hands clutched tightly onto the sheets covering her love as she released an array of emotions. "I love you so much." She whispered through her tears kissing the skin nearest to her lips, she held the brunette closer to her needing the contact more than oxygen itself. "Please don't leave me." She was near panic lifting her head. "Please Ashley, I can't live without you. I-I c-can't-"

"I'm not going anywhere." Ashley spoke quietly, voice hoarse, eyes tired. Spencer moved to the bedside table grabbing the water she had brought in. She brought the bottle carefully to Ashley's lips, wiping away the few droplets on her chin. "Thank you." Ashley murmured as she settled back beside her.

As the tears subsidded, all she could do was lie there and stare at the brunette, watching the rise and fall of her chest. Thankful for each breath leaving her lungs, she reached out needing the contact. With one hand playing in her many curls, Spencer scooted closer to her, speaking softly near her ear. "I love you, Ashley Davies. My days without you have been meaningless and empty. I never want to spend another day without you again. I want to wake up with you, and fall asleep with you, and do everything in between with you. Would you like that?" She lifted her head peering down into Ashley's sad eyes. "Whats wrong? Am I hurting you?"

"No." Ashley stopped her from moving off the bed. "You're perfect." Spencer smiled dipping her head, she kissed the corner of her lips softly. Ashley met her gaze, "No." She stopped Spencer from kissing her lips, watching the hurt fill her eyes. "I wanted them to kill me, Spence." The tears came instantly, Ashley reached up and with all the energy she could muster wiped them away one by one. "I thought if I seemed brain dead they would just kill me. I want to die, Spence. I'm so fucking scared right now. I wish they would have never saved me. I wish I could have just died in your arms that night." Ashley moved her hands to her face and kept them that way for several long minutes.

Spencer could only watch moving her hand up and down her arm. "I love you, Ashley. You can't leave me alone. I- I would follow you. I don't want to live without you. No one can live without their heart."

Ashley removed her hands from her face and placed them on Spencer, urging her as close to her as possible. All of the equiment ignored, she held Spencer ontop of her urging her head down near her shoulder, she spoke nearly inaudibly into her ear. "Ive never been so afraid in my life. I-i fucked up bad, Spence. Ive fucked up really bad this time. I wish.. I wish you wouldnt have saved me, you should have let me die." She stopped speaking for several seconds just breathing softly, she sounded so tired, so very weak and tired. Spencer was about to stop her, and urge her to sleep, but Ashley continued before she had the chance. "Im pregnant, Spence."

Epilogue

The brunette staggared up the porch steps, leaning heavily against the door frame. Without thinking, she brought her hand up, knocking as hard as she could. She loved provoking the older woman late at night. The beating was seconds away and she wondered if her mother's new family would be there to see it. Angry by her own thoughts, she beat the door harder wanting to shatter the glass in the middle.

Falling forward, she fell into a warm body flinching as she felt it move. How her body wasn't used to it yet was beyond her, why it still feared a stilleto to the abdomen or an assault to her face angered her, she didn't want to give her mother the satisfaction of knowing she still feared her. "I want them here." She commanded to the body holding her up. "I want them to watch you fuck me up. All of them, the whole fucking world."

"Shh, you'll wake her up." The light in the room came on and she found herself lying on silk sheets, staring at the high ceiling. The brunette was lost in reality, nothing made any sense. The drugs took her in and out of her mind, and she couldn't help but wonder why the blonde was removing her clothes when she should have been angry. "Let's get this on you."

"Stop." Ashley cupped the moist skin on her face, and began to worry. "What's wrong?" Her mind began racing and she tried desperately to remember the events of that night. "I didnt fuck her, Spence. I- I we just took a few hits but I didn't fuck her." The blue boring into her brown seemed sad, she didn't like it and felt helpless to change them.

Loud cries abrupted from down the hallway and Spencer disappeared. Ashley's unsteady gaze landed on the dresser. There were small clear glass bottles and packs of new syringes lining the wooden surface. There wasn't any guilt or shame as she stood up holding onto the bed. The unsteady steps didn't keep her still, she almost fell but caught herself on the dresser. She could hear voices down the hall. Spencer's playful cooing and a baby's soft laughter was the soundtrack playing in the background as she opened a fresh needle and a new jar.

With shaky fingers, she opened and closed drawers frantically searching for a tourniqet. She was beginning to feel frustrated and opened and slammed them more aggressively, falling to the floor she gave up. Too fucked up to know what she was doing anymore, she simply sat there and stared.

Their master bedroom was something out of a magazine article. From high above, she could recall having the best time decorating the room, decorating the whole house, with Spencer. They had the resources to buy whatever their hearts desired. She had just turned 18 and was given her father's fortune. With Spencer, she bought a house and with Spencer they filled it with precious things. Their lives were set, and they loved every second of every day. Ashley couldn't ask for a better life. "What the fuck am I doing?" There was no emotion in her voice, she was too high to feel awful. Too high to realize the figure standing at the open door way, too high to acknowledge the horror on her face. "I can't do this anymore." The months of hiding her drug use from Spencer had been exhausting and stressful. But now everything was out on the table, Spencer had found her heroine and laid it out for her to see. "Ow." She looked down and saw her hand drenched in blood. The floor around her was a complete disater, as if a tornado had come and ripped everything apart. Viles of her heroine laid shattered on the hardwood foor along with a couple of drawers, articles of clothing, pictures, and anything else on the dresser.

"I did this?" She asked out loud not remembering getting upset and taking her anger out on their posessions.

"Lets clean you up." Ashley's head snapped up toward the voice. Spencer kneeled down and helped her up, keeping her bleeding hand at a distance. She couldn't speak, what would she say? All she could do was stare watching the blonde take care of her. Her hands moved gently thoroughly cleaning her wound. "I'm sorry." She found her voice, and it was sad and desperate. "You take such good care of me." Her head fell forward resting onto Spencer's shoulder, inhaling deeply, she smiled at the scent of her hair. "Im so so sorry." Spencer returned the embrace holding her tightly, Ashley kissed the skin on her neck. "I want to make everything better."

The cooing in the bedroom captured her attention. "I want to see her. Could I please see her Spence?" The blonde pulled away leading her down the hall. They stopped at a white carriage in their bedroom. Big blue eyes met her brown and tiny lips lifted into a big smile at seeing her. "I'm going to pack tonight, Spence." She reached down and ran her fingers through a full head of brown curls. "I'm going to get better, im going to find a good rehab." She turned her head meeting Spencer's watery gaze. "I'm going to get better for you," She looked back down at the smiling 7 month old baby girl. "And for Pheonix."


End file.
